Amazing insights from all you guys! Before I was a P addict, I was suicidally depressed and suffered debilitating anxiety. If I hadn't turned to P, it would have been something else. I guess P was just the most accessible, and I had already been warned about the dangers of drugs, but never the dangers of P. I don't know everyone's reasons for turning to P in the first place, but for me, I feel that it had a purpose in my life to numb me from the pain. It wasn't a very healthy way to deal with it at all, but it sort of worked for a time. Overcoming P has been the single most challenging thing I have ever done, probably that any of us have ever done. Now, it's a crutch I just no longer need, as I lead an otherwise happy and fulfilling life.I truly think that someone who has been an addict and has been clean for a long time can really make an impact on the world with empathy, love, and compassion for anyone and their problems, whatever they may be. You are well on your way, BlueHeron. You transcend the need for P every single day.
It doesn't matter if we have to always work around stimulating stuff. Yeah, maybe we could never (or at least for a long time) look even at a picture but think about this: What if you were handicapped? You had just one arm. You would be forced to live your life like this. Now that we are "just P addicts", does it mean we don't have to treat it in the same way? Yes, I am handicapped by P. I can't look at pictures, I've stopped watching my favorite TV shows, I can't watch Youtube. So be it. I live my life the way it is.
"If I had a choice between going to back to a version of me that hadn't looked at porn yet and the version of me that I am today, I think I would probably stick with where I am."Wow, this is truly an amazing statement. So often I get hung up on past mistakes and fantasizing scenarios of who I'd be if I didn't make those mistakes. But the best part of life is the opportunity to move forward no matter what you did in the past, good or bad. When we are able to appreciate our flaws and find ways to improve on them, we have the confidence to go forward without fear, because any mistakes we would worry about in the future can be something that also be taken in stride, and used as learning experiences. Keep doing your thing, remember that you ALWAYS have support from this community!
I got introduced to P by friends and I was fascinated by it, as a teenager who started to develop his sexual brain. As P activates the same path in the brain as sex, it was obvious why I was so triggered by it. But after a while, it became a form of soothing/cope/self-medication/elevating myself when I feel down/do something when I'm bored type of thing. To keep the "pleasure" part in it, I had to escalate to stronger stuff.
Today was pretty quiet but also pretty productive. Last night after posting, I wrote down all the things that I need to do this week, and I put due dates on each of them. I accomplished everything for today except one thing (which I might have some time finish before I go to bed tonight). I know I do better when I write things down. I know I can take charge of my life when I have a real plan, but I also never get around to making that plan. Oh well, I'm going to try to do better at that moving forward.
For sure, thanks for putting up with (and appreciating) the long posts!I did the same thing today (writing down a plan), and I got even more done! It has been pretty satisfying. I leave town tomorrow for a week, so I was just getting things set up for while I'm away. I'm actually going home, which will be really good. I haven't been home since Christmas. But, I'm also a little nervous: home has historically been one of my favorite places to relapse. In fact, I joined this forum during my last trip home because I was in the middle of a relapse and just couldn't put up with my vicious cycle anymore. So I'll have to be on guard, but I'm also feeling optimistic because I have learned a TON since the last time I was home, and I think I am better equipped to deal with anything home will throw at me this week. Plus, I'll have you all to fall back on at the end of each day. We got this!Still making slow progress: 133/150 days
So I'll have to be on guard, but I'm also feeling optimistic because I have learned a TON since the last time I was home, and I think I am better equipped to deal with anything home will throw at me this week.
Yeah, you're right. As I think about it now... The addiction is a real thing, so I have to be vigilant, but it's also not something I really chose (I was too young understand what I was getting into), so I can't be too frustrated with myself. And I love that last thought. The only way now is the way out.Today was good, busy but good. The weather's pretty bad, but I'm warm and inside, so I can't complain.
I definitely didn't have anything to do with girls when I was "growing up," and I definitely think that probably helped me slide into porn. I definitely could have found healthier expressions for my interest in girls. But, at the same time, I think it's important to realize that a PMO isn't really about sex. It's about numbing ourselves to pain through sex. The addiction is about escaping pain, not about liking sex too much. (I don't know if that even makes sense to me, but it works in my head).
It has been a massive game-changer for me to realize that my addiction was my brain's effort to take care of me and to ease my pain. It was totally wrong, but it didn't come from a place of intentional self harm. That has helped me to see myself not as my own worst enemy or as some morally bankrupt loser who is obsessed with sex. Instead, I have started to see myself as a person who needs to learn a better way of dealing with emotional distress. I'm a person who needs to learn how to be a better friend to myself. And I feel like that has changed everything, my overall mindset, my attitude towards urges and temptations, my willingness of let go of porn and triggers even when I recognize that a part of me still really wants it.
I can relate to this and to your conclusion, it does make sense. Porn is the downward spiral away from natural interest and healthy expressions, but to us it was completely "normal" during adolescense. I even remember a quote from a girl from school when we talked about porn in a group and she said: "Every boy looks at porn, if they don't have porn in their computer it's maybe because they're gay.", well, failed logic aside - what about gay porn? - but nobody disagreed.Remembering my many hours of porn during adolescense really gets me emotional every time. Anger and regret about wasted time and not discovering this problem earlier. Thoughts about what could have been if only I hadn't discovered and consumed porn. I learned about the damage of drugs in school, but nobody told me porn was an even stronger drug than those they warned about.Instead of regret I try to think of myself as one of the few privileged who know about their problem and have a realistic chance of changing it to the better. Let's not forget there are millions of people out there who don't even know porn might be one of the sources of their problems in life. The thought of porn not being about sex, but basically being opposed to sex is absolutely right, but probably only common around us addicts who fell deep enough into the abyss to discover the essence of our addiction.
I can relate to this. For a few years, while heavily invested in P, I didn't have much success with girls either. But now, thinking about it, I was kind of uninterested in it actually. I had my "reward" from P and everything was fine. Until there came that day when real girls didn't interest me at all, like I said in another post, I looked at them and felt nothing. I think I was really deep into P to turn out that way. I mean, since I was 12 I had been drowning myself in P like a big ocean. I was not really a good functional P addict. I functioned to some degree only. Also, about the second part of your quote, P could definitely make some people think they are people with exagerated libido (which could create sexual frustration). It's not. It's just craving for P. They don't have high libido and they are not weird horny guys. But maybe they don't even know what's their normal if they have been invested in P since they were teenagers. I guess I was at some point like that, around 14-15 years old. For a while and then I hit that phase when I was kind of uninterested in it and only living for P. Like those heroin junkies who only lie on the couch all day without doing anything else. I did something like that but with P. To be honest, I don't even remember much from my school years when I was into P.
Man, it really scares me how resigned people are to the pervasiveness of porn. It's just seen as a normal thing by a lot of people and not as a serious problem. It's really too bad that we've been trapped by it, but it is awesome that we have become aware of the harm it's causing and are working to improve. And I really know what you mean about looking back on your adolescence with huge regret. I really feel like those years were completely wasted for me. It's like a gap in my life that was totally lost to only ever thinking about porn. I hate it when people ask about what I was like in high school or what I did in high school. I never have a good answer other than "I've changed a lot since then. I didn't really like high school." All I did was PMO or wait impatiently for the next time that I could PMO. (And I'm not going to tell people that!)In all that profound regret, I just try to focus on the fact that, regardless of what happened in my past, I can make changes in the present that bring me a much better future. My high school years may be lost to the void, but my late 20s don't have to be! It's hard not to feel like my past has ruined my future, but I always try to remind myself that nothing that really matters has been lost. Everything I really want in life is still possible.
Man I really like reading your journal. It always gives me some insights and helps me reflect on myself. I'm desperately looking for some philosophy to hang on to it and I think you've got a great one here.
Quote from: brandnewself on July 24, 2019, 10:49:32 AMMan I really like reading your journal. It always gives me some insights and helps me reflect on myself. I'm desperately looking for some philosophy to hang on to it and I think you've got a great one here.Thanks so much, man! It is really encouraging to hear that this awful experience (addiction) is turning into something positive (the ability to help other people fighting addiction). It means a lot.It seems like the weird urge-y feelings from yesterday quieted down overnight. Today was a chill day addiction-wise and a busier one activity-wise. I went all over town with family today, did some shopping, and got a little bit of work done. Pretty tired, but also feeling pretty good.Keep on fighting everyone: tomorrow is another day!
I'm feeling a little reluctant to get back to regular work this coming week. I feel like a lot of the things I do are not as satisfying or fulfilling as I would hope, and I'm trying to figure out if that's a problem with the things I'm doing or just my attitude. I don't know, but hopefully I can at least start turning my attitude around
I totally feel you about being at home with family, sometimes it can really stress me out and it feels like the only way to deal with it is through PMO or some other self-damaging action. As far as your work, I also do feel that way sometimes, that I should be either enjoying it more or that it is not leading to any positive changes. A couple things help me out with this; sometimes I think back and ask myself why I am doing these things in the first place, like what was my motivation to commit so heavily to this thing that I do every day, outside of money and outside pressure? It also helps me to look back a year or two to just acknowledge how far I have come since then, and then I can really see the growth in the long term that is often not easily seen in the day-by-day.So close to 150, we're all rooting for you! You got this!
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Topic: Not gonna go it alone (Read 17564 times)
