Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 18490 times)

Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #325 on: July 04, 2019, 06:33:09 AM »
You have within you the strength to get through even the darkest of days... Don't let anyone or anything steal your  SPARKLE keep your chin up and know that thing are going to get better...  Yes, they will... Take it one step at a time.. and keep believing in your dreams... always

I think you are doing a beautiful job figuring out some heavy shit  :)

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 637
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #326 on: July 04, 2019, 12:55:49 PM »
Thank you once again for your constant support and your helpful reflections, not only on my journal but on the whole community. Your way of reaching out to others is inspiring and I haven't felt this much support within this community for a long time. It's definitely helpful because apart from tons of reasons to quit porn now I feel responsible to other members of this community because I don't want to let you and others down after constantly supporting me and I want to follow your example to finally BE an example to others instead of writing about a relapse and "day 0" again.

I also feel like there is not much advice you need, because you are just doing great! Keep going, you're an inspiration!  :)

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #327 on: July 04, 2019, 03:11:20 PM »
Thank you once again for your constant support and your helpful reflections, not only on my journal but on the whole community. Your way of reaching out to others is inspiring and I haven't felt this much support within this community for a long time. It's definitely helpful because apart from tons of reasons to quit porn now I feel responsible to other members of this community because I don't want to let you and others down after constantly supporting me and I want to follow your example to finally BE an example to others instead of writing about a relapse and "day 0" again.

I also feel like there is not much advice you need, because you are just doing great! Keep going, you're an inspiration!  :)

I second this...@BlueHeronFan I know I can always count on you to give me good advice or just some encouragement, and the way you have gone about your personal journey has made me realize that while all our problems in life are different, approaching them with honesty, thoughtfulness, and a sense of optimism will always help us reach our goals. You are truly valuable to this community!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #328 on: July 05, 2019, 06:40:23 PM »
Thank you once again for your constant support and your helpful reflections, not only on my journal but on the whole community. Your way of reaching out to others is inspiring and I haven't felt this much support within this community for a long time. It's definitely helpful because apart from tons of reasons to quit porn now I feel responsible to other members of this community because I don't want to let you and others down after constantly supporting me and I want to follow your example to finally BE an example to others instead of writing about a relapse and "day 0" again.

I also feel like there is not much advice you need, because you are just doing great! Keep going, you're an inspiration!  :)

I second this...@BlueHeronFan I know I can always count on you to give me good advice or just some encouragement, and the way you have gone about your personal journey has made me realize that while all our problems in life are different, approaching them with honesty, thoughtfulness, and a sense of optimism will always help us reach our goals. You are truly valuable to this community!

Thank you once again for your constant support and your helpful reflections, not only on my journal but on the whole community. Your way of reaching out to others is inspiring and I haven't felt this much support within this community for a long time. It's definitely helpful because apart from tons of reasons to quit porn now I feel responsible to other members of this community because I don't want to let you and others down after constantly supporting me and I want to follow your example to finally BE an example to others instead of writing about a relapse and "day 0" again.

I also feel like there is not much advice you need, because you are just doing great! Keep going, you're an inspiration!  :)

You guys really are great! Any of the support I'm giving here is just a small way of paying back the support I've received. There definitely is truth to the feeling of not wanting to let you all down. Sometimes, a thought crosses my mind, but I stop it and say, "What would everyone on the forum say?"

Well, today marks day 120, and I've set a new goal for 150 days. It's helpful for me to have something to look forward to. I'm comfortable with a 30-day goal because I've done it before. Part of me wants to set a goal that even further out, but I also know that goals that are too ambitious have sunk me in the past. Oh, well, I guess that's something to think about in 30 days.

Yesterday and today were both decent days. I've been noticing that I don't have social anxiety as much as social inconvenience. You know, it's not like social things make nervous, but they make a little grumpy because I'd rather be doing other things. But I probably can't live life as a hermit, either. I ended up forcing myself to do some social things yesterday, and it was fine, but I also feel a little like my day would have been better without it.

Is that related to the attitudes porn taught me? I don't know. It definitely taught me to expect people on my terms: naked women whenever I wanted them however I wanted them. It didn't teach me to be flexible and accepting of others' ways of doing things. Maybe I should recognize that good things aren't always (or maybe ever) "convenient." Something to think about. I'm definitely a huge introvert, so socializing takes a lot out of me anyway. Do I stick up for my introverted self and say no to social things more often? Or do I suck it up and just do things because they're supposed to be good for me? I don't want to alienate people, but I'm also aware of the fact that I usually end up just sort of going along with whatever other people want from me and never really standing up for my needs and wants (which also seems unhealthy). Maybe there's a balance to it that I'm still trying to figure out. Self-respecting hermit or spineless party-goer? (There definitely has to be a middle-of-the-road option, lol).

Wow, wasn't expecting to go on that rant now. Oh well, the journey continues.

Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #329 on: July 06, 2019, 06:18:04 AM »
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human. You are not perfect---- and guess what? No one else is perfect either. Just keep doing your best. Strive to do better each day, but don't beat yourself up if you didn't quite get there. There is always tomorrow! You are trying- that is good enough  :)

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 637
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #330 on: July 06, 2019, 08:18:11 AM »
Congratulations on 4 months, that's more than me and many others here ever achieved. It's in your hands to succeed, your strategy seems just right: Small steps instead of a big goal far away.

I've been noticing that I don't have social anxiety as much as social inconvenience. You know, it's not like social things make nervous, but they make a little grumpy because I'd rather be doing other things. But I probably can't live life as a hermit, either. I ended up forcing myself to do some social things yesterday, and it was fine, but I also feel a little like my day would have been better without it.

Is that related to the attitudes porn taught me? I don't know. It definitely taught me to expect people on my terms: naked women whenever I wanted them however I wanted them. It didn't teach me to be flexible and accepting of others' ways of doing things. Maybe I should recognize that good things aren't always (or maybe ever) "convenient." Something to think about. I'm definitely a huge introvert, so socializing takes a lot out of me anyway. Do I stick up for my introverted self and say no to social things more often? Or do I suck it up and just do things because they're supposed to be good for me? I don't want to alienate people, but I'm also aware of the fact that I usually end up just sort of going along with whatever other people want from me and never really standing up for my needs and wants (which also seems unhealthy). Maybe there's a balance to it that I'm still trying to figure out. Self-respecting hermit or spineless party-goer? (There definitely has to be a middle-of-the-road option, lol).

Hard to tell if it's porn related, what are those things you prefer doing over socializing? Do you consider them healthy for your well-being?

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #331 on: July 06, 2019, 06:45:05 PM »
Congratulations on 4 months, that's more than me and many others here ever achieved. It's in your hands to succeed, your strategy seems just right: Small steps instead of a big goal far away.

Hard to tell if it's porn related, what are those things you prefer doing over socializing? Do you consider them healthy for your well-being?

Thanks, man! You know, I feel like it is healthy stuff. I feel like between my responsibilities at school/work, it's hard to find time for the things I want to do. So when I get the chance, I want to stay in and work on projects or catch up on reading or sometimes just watch a show. I guess for some people going it is a way to recharge, but it just wipes me out even more. So when it's been a long day and somebody wants to go out, I just know that A) I'm going to be even more tired and B) I won't get to work on the things that I want to work on. It's possible that I'm too attached to my own schedule and that I could be more flexible, but I also feel like it's fair to have different priorities and that it's okay to "let people down" sometimes. I can't be responsible for everyone's happiness.

You know, as long as I'm on this train of thought. I've mentioned it before, but I broke up with someone at the end of last year. She was/is a good person, like on paper she checks a lot of the boxes. But I just didn't feel like we worked out well together. I always felt like I was in trouble when I had to do other things besides spend time with her, and it started to feel more like a chore than a pleasure when we were together. Like I had to put in my time to make her happy. I realized that wasn't working and that it wasn't going to make for a happy life, so I broke it off. (Also, I just kept having to talk myself into being attracted to her. I just wasn't.) Long story short, I'm 95% sure that it was the right thing to do, but there's an annoying 5% that climbs into my ear a few times a week that says I did the wrong thing and that I was being unrealistic and that it's because of porn. As if I just wanted her to be hotter and more easygoing like the girls in porn. I'm pretty sure that's not true. I'm pretty sure our relationship wasn't a healthy one. But now that I have some distance from active PMO, I guess I'm wondering how else my addiction has affected my life. There probably isn't an easy answer.

In other news, though, I feel like today was the first legitimately good day that I've had in a long time. I spent most of the day working on one of my own projects, and I made some good progress on it. I had fun doing it, lost track of time, got in the zone I guess you could say. It's been a long time since I've been sort of happily absorbed in a productive task without worrying about other things I "should" be doing or that other people want me to be doing. I took some breaks to eat and to watch a show that I'm catching up on, and I got some groceries for the week. It's not realistic to expect every day to be like today, but I am learning about what works for me and what doesn't. Creative stuff really works for me, so I'll try to put more creative time into each day.

Keep on going and keep on trying. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives!

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #332 on: July 07, 2019, 05:27:11 PM »
I'm glad you found a creative outlet, that's really cool! I'm kind of like you in that I usually feel drained socializing with people all the time, it's definitely a tricky balance for me because on one hand having a really good conversation about things I care about or that are interesting can be really energizing, but it's just hard to have those types of conversations all the time. It's always okay to back out of a social thing if you're not feeling good about it, I just always try to remember to make sure I am around people that I feel is worth my time (as selfish as that may sound). Even writing on this forum gives me the energy I need to get stuff done, but actually harnessing the energy into consistent progress should always take priority over going to a party bc your friend needs a wingman or whatever. Keep it up, you're doing great!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #333 on: July 07, 2019, 06:26:48 PM »
I'm glad you found a creative outlet, that's really cool! I'm kind of like you in that I usually feel drained socializing with people all the time, it's definitely a tricky balance for me because on one hand having a really good conversation about things I care about or that are interesting can be really energizing, but it's just hard to have those types of conversations all the time. It's always okay to back out of a social thing if you're not feeling good about it, I just always try to remember to make sure I am around people that I feel is worth my time (as selfish as that may sound). Even writing on this forum gives me the energy I need to get stuff done, but actually harnessing the energy into consistent progress should always take priority over going to a party bc your friend needs a wingman or whatever. Keep it up, you're doing great!

Thanks! Yeah, I'm feeling much better about it all now, even just writing it out here has helped me come to terms with it all. Thanks for putting up with my rambles, lol.

But that's a really good point: I'm no good to other people (and I'm more likely to relapse) if I'm exhausted from being as social I sometimes feel like I should be. There is no shame in standing up for myself and my needs and saying no sometimes. I'm definitely a people-pleaser in general, so I hate disappointing people. But I never really understood that about myself or started to make progress on it until recently. It is crazy and awesome how this recovery process opens us up to learn so much about ourselves. I definitely think being more true to myself and my feelings will be a good thing for myself and also for relationships in the future.

Today was a quiet and generally pleasant day. My meditation turned into a nap, which I might normally feel a little bad about, but it just seemed right on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Then I cooked some food and started getting ready for the week.

Here comes another day to keep on fighting!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #334 on: July 08, 2019, 08:31:02 PM »
I'm getting back late tonight, but I wanted to get something from today out of my head before it can cause me too much trouble.

Had a closeish call, I guess. First of all, I'm not sure why people think it's a good idea to sunbathe in public, but I guess it's not their fault that I'm recovering from addiction (so it's not their fault). Long story short, I was just walking to work and minding my own business when I saw a woman in the park taking off layers to sunbathe in her swimsuit. I've mentioned before how I've seen people sunbathing there before, but that tiny glimpse of what looked like someone undressing really triggered a round of urges. My head was racing, my heart was thumping, I could feel that rush in my arms and legs. I just tried to keep my head down and focus on my breath until I got to my building.

Things have stayed pretty under control since, but I have had some urges come in waves throughout the rest of the day, stronger than I've felt in a while but not as strong as I've felt before. I'm hoping that some sleep and new day will get me out of the woods, but I may be heading into another wave of strong urges. Hopefully, writing it out will take away some of its power.

It's crazy how these things can happen totally unexpectedly. It's a good reminder that we can't completely create a life without triggers. We really need a plan for dealing with those triggers when they happen, and then we have to stick to that plan. I'm cautiously optimistic that today's trigger won't go anywhere from here, but it could really have wrecked me today if I had let it.

Stay careful and stay strong, everyone!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 462
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #335 on: July 08, 2019, 09:44:28 PM »
Congrats on four months, that's really awesome.  I'm new here and I also appreciate how active you are on here.  Being social is tiring to me too but not as tiring as trying to be social and just standing around feeling bad about not talking to people haha.

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #336 on: July 09, 2019, 09:24:41 AM »
Man, that sucks that you've been feeling urges from a chance experience....good job of being on top of it. One good thing that comes from this might be that atleast you know that when you do eventually get there with a real woman, you'll be able to be aroused for her, not wanting some other form of stimulation. That sounds like progress to me, keep staying strong!

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 241
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #337 on: July 09, 2019, 12:24:04 PM »
Well done for dealing with those triggers, man. I hope today is better for you and that they have subsided. You mention having a plan for when triggered. This is what I pretty much lacked the other day when I relapsed. Could you maybe elaborate about your plan?

- Adventurer

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #338 on: July 09, 2019, 06:56:53 PM »
Congrats on four months, that's really awesome.  I'm new here and I also appreciate how active you are on here.  Being social is tiring to me too but not as tiring as trying to be social and just standing around feeling bad about not talking to people haha.

Haha, that is truly the worst and mostly what I end up doing. We'll get it someday!

Man, that sucks that you've been feeling urges from a chance experience....good job of being on top of it. One good thing that comes from this might be that atleast you know that when you do eventually get there with a real woman, you'll be able to be aroused for her, not wanting some other form of stimulation. That sounds like progress to me, keep staying strong!

Thanks for your constant support, and for the different perspective. Yeah, maybe there is a bright side to all that: a real person affected me in a way that only porn could in the past. Definitely not something to go experimenting with a ton (because those triggers would eventually send me over the edge), but also not something to ignore. Guess it's all progress, so thanks for the reminder!

Well done for dealing with those triggers, man. I hope today is better for you and that they have subsided. You mention having a plan for when triggered. This is what I pretty much lacked the other day when I relapsed. Could you maybe elaborate about your plan?

- Adventurer

Thanks! Yeah, I could try. I don't know that my plan is super formalized, but there are a couple of things that have helped me to deal with triggers/urges more successfully in the last few months. For me, the biggest change has been in my immediate reaction to urges. It used to be that I just dried to push through them and do whatever I was doing anyway. If I had urges, I just kept doing schoolwork or kept worrying about dating or whatever. Now, instead of mindlessly pushing through them, I've tried to be more careful about listening to them, and trying to separate the physical sensations of the urge from the triggering thought/image. Sometimes, I'll say something out loud to myself like, "It doesn't matter" or "It's not worth it" or sometimes I'll say something, "Thanks for the idea, but I'm not going to do that right now." Somehow, acknowledging the urge has been more helpful than ignoring it. Yesterday, it took a lot more work, though, and I had to really get into a deep-breathing, eyes on the ground in front of me kind of mode, but it was still a powerful sensation in my body. I really tried to focus on what I was feeling, though, instead of on what I had just seen.

In some ways, too, I guess my overall plan has changed from "Don't PMO" to "Don't let any PMO thoughts or feelings take root." I know that feeling of arousal, and I know that, in my situation right now, there isn't any version of it that is "okay," so I notice it when it comes and just try to set it aside.

In addition to all that internal stuff, I also have content filters on my devices (mostly to protect from accidental exposure), I have a habit-tracking app on my phone that goes off every morning so I have a constant notification on my screen during the day reminding me to stay on track "Just for today," and I try to post here daily (or mostly daily) because it feels like an added level of accountability and helps me get my thoughts out of my head.

As for today
Today was a way quieter day than yesterday. I walked through that same park today, but I was much more careful about where I was aimlessly looking just in case. That said, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I've replayed that scene a few times in my head. The fact is, I liked it. As much as I know it's a dangerous trigger and that real people in public shouldn't have to worry about becoming someone's weird fantasy, the whole thing reminded me of a flavor of pleasure that I haven't experienced in a while. It felt good then, and it felt good when my brain replayed it a couple of times throughout the day.

And, on some level, I think that's okay. Okay that my brain and body reacted the way they did. What isn't okay is dwelling on it. Each time the image came back, I just tried to acknowledge it and set it aside. Yeah, I liked it, but I'm not interested in going where those feelings will lead (inevitably to trying to recreate those feelings with porn). Still have some urges and cravings, but they aren't as intense as yesterday. These things always die down, but here's to hoping they do it sooner rather than later.

Beyond all that, I went to work and then I met a friend from school in the afternoon. A group of boys thought we were on a date, and they were giving me all kinds of thumbs-up and making heart shapes with their hands behind her back. It was kind of funny, but also kind of a reminder that maybe I'm the only who thinks I have no business with women. Those boys weren't thinking "What is that weirdo loser doing with her?" But I was definitely thinking that it couldn't be possible that she was actually my friend and just liked me for me. (Probably because I'm still coming around to the idea of liking me for me.)

But it was a pleasant enough day. Tomorrow should be a little busier, which will keep me distracted from the urge-aftershocks. And then it will be one day closer to freedom.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 462
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #339 on: July 09, 2019, 10:15:46 PM »
You're doing great, going out with friends is awesome.  I found that part about the boys making heart shapes behind her back really funny.    :D

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 241
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #340 on: July 10, 2019, 12:36:27 AM »
Quote
Thanks! Yeah, I could try. I don't know that my plan is super formalized, but there are a couple of things that have helped me to deal with triggers/urges more successfully in the last few months. For me, the biggest change has been in my immediate reaction to urges. It used to be that I just dried to push through them and do whatever I was doing anyway. If I had urges, I just kept doing schoolwork or kept worrying about dating or whatever. Now, instead of mindlessly pushing through them, I've tried to be more careful about listening to them, and trying to separate the physical sensations of the urge from the triggering thought/image. Sometimes, I'll say something out loud to myself like, "It doesn't matter" or "It's not worth it" or sometimes I'll say something, "Thanks for the idea, but I'm not going to do that right now." Somehow, acknowledging the urge has been more helpful than ignoring it. Yesterday, it took a lot more work, though, and I had to really get into a deep-breathing, eyes on the ground in front of me kind of mode, but it was still a powerful sensation in my body. I really tried to focus on what I was feeling, though, instead of on what I had just seen.

In some ways, too, I guess my overall plan has changed from "Don't PMO" to "Don't let any PMO thoughts or feelings take root." I know that feeling of arousal, and I know that, in my situation right now, there isn't any version of it that is "okay," so I notice it when it comes and just try to set it aside.

In addition to all that internal stuff, I also have content filters on my devices (mostly to protect from accidental exposure), I have a habit-tracking app on my phone that goes off every morning so I have a constant notification on my screen during the day reminding me to stay on track "Just for today," and I try to post here daily (or mostly daily) because it feels like an added level of accountability and helps me get my thoughts out of my head.

This really helps me, thank you. It reminds me of the state I was in when I did almost a year clean. It is exactly the kind of mindset that leads to success. My only downfall was that I got cocky too soon and thought I was 'recovered'. Then my then relationship ended, I moved abroad, and it was a slow spiral from then on. You are not in that situation and I think you will be successful. I also think you'll have a relationship soon. Call it an intuition.

Quote
As for today
Today was a way quieter day than yesterday. I walked through that same park today, but I was much more careful about where I was aimlessly looking just in case. That said, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I've replayed that scene a few times in my head. The fact is, I liked it. As much as I know it's a dangerous trigger and that real people in public shouldn't have to worry about becoming someone's weird fantasy, the whole thing reminded me of a flavor of pleasure that I haven't experienced in a while. It felt good then, and it felt good when my brain replayed it a couple of times throughout the day.

And, on some level, I think that's okay. Okay that my brain and body reacted the way they did. What isn't okay is dwelling on it. Each time the image came back, I just tried to acknowledge it and set it aside. Yeah, I liked it, but I'm not interested in going where those feelings will lead (inevitably to trying to recreate those feelings with porn). Still have some urges and cravings, but they aren't as intense as yesterday. These things always die down, but here's to hoping they do it sooner rather than later.

Beyond all that, I went to work and then I met a friend from school in the afternoon. A group of boys thought we were on a date, and they were giving me all kinds of thumbs-up and making heart shapes with their hands behind her back. It was kind of funny, but also kind of a reminder that maybe I'm the only who thinks I have no business with women. Those boys weren't thinking "What is that weirdo loser doing with her?" But I was definitely thinking that it couldn't be possible that she was actually my friend and just liked me for me. (Probably because I'm still coming around to the idea of liking me for me.)

But it was a pleasant enough day. Tomorrow should be a little busier, which will keep me distracted from the urge-aftershocks. And then it will be one day closer to freedom.

I think you're absolutely right in saying that on some level, liking looking at women is okay. When observed through a meditative/mindful lens, the power from those strong feelings and urges can be harnessed and used. To harness them in the first place requires the strengthening of your ability to disassociate from them, which comes with time and practice. Accepting something but not being associated with it builds your meditative/spiritual muscles (however you choose to define it!). As a result, you have gained this insight! Congratulations! I hope to be back where you are one day. I pray that it will be sooner rather than later.

Also, BlueHeron, I like you for you. From your posts I see a strong young man who has faced and continues to face adversity, who is successfully overcoming all the odds, and whose posts inspire countless others to do the same. That is the truth about your life situation, and you should be immensely proud of yourself. Any woman would be lucky to have you, and any man would be lucky to have you as their friend. I for one, have already gained so much from your support in the brief while we've been writing in each other's journals, and I'm sure I will continue to as long as you post. I thank you for your support and your inspiration.

Peace and love,

- Adventurer


BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #341 on: July 10, 2019, 06:33:53 PM »
Thank you. Really, thanks a lot for your kind words, Adventurer. (And for your hopeful intuition, lol)

I'm sure I said it before, but when I joined here at the beginning of the year, I stuck in a cycle of binging and just trying to figure out where I was still going wrong. Signing on here was, in a word, terrifying. It meant disclosing something that I had carefully kept secret for close to a decade (except for a few carefully selected people along the way). (Also despite the fact that this is anonymous, still scary.) Maybe I hoped but never really imagined that I would be four months clean 7 months later. But I really never expected my presence here to make such a big difference.

I really believe that every bad part of our lives can be turned around into a positive in one way or another, but I always wondered how my addiction could ever have a positive side to it. It's really incredible to hear that my experience, story, and perspective are helping people deal with their addictions too. I never really imagined that there could be a redemptive side to this thing, but I'm learning here that there can be one, that there is one.

I hope to be back where you are one day. I pray that it will be sooner rather than later.

I'm praying right along with you! In the little while that you've been around here, you've been a big inspiration to me too! (I'm partway through Eckhart Tolle's book as well, so thanks for the recommendation.) Just keep being who you are and leaving the extra junk to the side.


Today was okay. Took care of some chores and got out of the house for a while in the afternoon. I was feeling pretty tired and a little down, so I ended up taking the rest of the evening pretty easy. The day ended up not being as productive as I had hoped in the morning, but I'm okay with that. I usually start the day over-ambitious anyway. On the bright side, I had much less trouble with urges today (still a little, but closer to their normal background-radiation levels), and reading and posting here has been a highlight of the day. Y'all are great!

You're doing great, going out with friends is awesome.  I found that part about the boys making heart shapes behind her back really funny.    :D

Lol, thanks! It was pretty funny when it happened! She finally turned around and caught them red-handed. And they, of course, just piled on even more.

Oh man, on to another day!

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #342 on: July 10, 2019, 08:59:53 PM »
That's funny with the girl, I think we all can relate to that at some point or another lmao! That story just kinda reminds me that we are just normal people trying to live quality lives at the end of the day, we were never these weird creeps or anything just because we are/were addicted to porn, we are all just people that felt the need to use P as a coping mechanism. Sure this is an addiction, but everyone around the world gets up each day and has to face their own set of problems, and wether it be addiction or something else we all are just doing what we think is best. Congrats to your success so far, keep going and inspiring others!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 462
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #343 on: July 10, 2019, 09:57:53 PM »
I'm sure I said it before, but when I joined here at the beginning of the year, I stuck in a cycle of binging and just trying to figure out where I was still going wrong. Signing on here was, in a word, terrifying. It meant disclosing something that I had carefully kept secret for close to a decade (except for a few carefully selected people along the way). (Also despite the fact that this is anonymous, still scary.)

My experience is the same.  But we all made it here and we are all making progress and it's pretty damn cool.  I really appreciate your contributions to this fourm and Blue Herons are awesome.  I saw a ton of them at the lake a few weeks ago. 

Lero

  • Guest
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #344 on: July 11, 2019, 04:55:19 AM »
I'm sure I said it before, but when I joined here at the beginning of the year, I stuck in a cycle of binging and just trying to figure out where I was still going wrong. Signing on here was, in a word, terrifying. It meant disclosing something that I had carefully kept secret for close to a decade (except for a few carefully selected people along the way). (Also despite the fact that this is anonymous, still scary.) 

I could say the same thing. In real life, nobody knew about my P addiction (and still doesn't). I don't have close friends like that. My friends are superficial. I know it sucks but... Coming here and getting this out of my chest: "Look, I'm a P addict, that's how I feel", was what I needed. It might help me get clean and not suffer in silence like a dog all my life. Also, this place is in my opinion the best place for P addiction. People here know a lot and there are people here who have streaks in double or triple digits. It goes without saying that this is where everyone P addict should be. It's like an AA online meeting but for P. Porn Addicts Anonymous or something like that. PAA hahaha  :D



Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #345 on: July 11, 2019, 05:44:39 AM »
This is a daily reminder that nobody else is as hard on you as you are. You are pretty great! I wish you would give yourself more credit! I hope you have a nice day out there!  :)

Good work today for taking it easy in the evening! You deserve a cake. This one's for you. Wooo!https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/sites/default/files/recipe-collections/collection-image/2013/05/summer-berry-cake-with-rose-geranium-cream.jpg

I got a bit hungry and ate the first slice  ;)

Stay gold my friend  :)
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 06:17:03 AM by Thank you for all that you do for me »

Non-Dual Adventurer

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 241
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #346 on: July 11, 2019, 11:06:01 AM »
Love what you said about the addiction having a positive side by inspiring others! You're right, it's hard to see that when you're in it, but it's really true that every negative must have a positive, and vice versa. Nothing can exist on its own without the opposite. We wouldn't know positive if we didn't know negative. We wouldn't know light without dark. We wouldn't know Yin without Yang.  Only the Pure Awareness is without opposite, because it is beyond opposite, beyond form, and beyond concept. It is just our very life essence. I hope you're finding Tolle's book inspiring.

- Adventurer

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1184
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #347 on: July 11, 2019, 06:57:56 PM »
That story just kinda reminds me that we are just normal people trying to live quality lives at the end of the day, we were never these weird creeps or anything just because we are/were addicted to porn, we are all just people that felt the need to use P as a coping mechanism.

This is a great thought. You're right. We aren't fundamentally flawed people even if it can sometimes feel that way. We just ended up with a bad habit and now we're working on changing it. We're decent guys doing the best we can, judging ourselves more harshly than probably anyone else would.

My experience is the same.  But we all made it here and we are all making progress and it's pretty damn cool.  I really appreciate your contributions to this fourm and Blue Herons are awesome.  I saw a ton of them at the lake a few weeks ago. 

It is awesome to see so many people progressing right now. I feel like things weren't that way when I first joined, but that could just be that I wasn't as well connected here then as I am now. And thanks, Blue Herons are awesome. Ever since I used them as my username here, they've taken on a special significance when I see one, like an occasional reminder that I'm on the right track.

I could say the same thing. In real life, nobody knew about my P addiction (and still doesn't). I don't have close friends like that. My friends are superficial. I know it sucks but... Coming here and getting this out of my chest: "Look, I'm a P addict, that's how I feel", was what I needed. It might help me get clean and not suffer in silence like a dog all my life. Also, this place is in my opinion the best place for P addiction. People here know a lot and there are people here who have streaks in double or triple digits. It goes without saying that this is where everyone P addict should be. It's like an AA online meeting but for P. Porn Addicts Anonymous or something like that. PAA hahaha  :D

Definitely! Telling a few people face-to-face has been helpful, but the group here has really made a difference. The people I have told have just sort of been supportive in the best way they know how, but the people here (you all) really know what it's like and can talk through things in a way more helpful and specific way. PAA all the way!  ;D

This is a daily reminder that nobody else is as hard on you as you are. You are pretty great! I wish you would give yourself more credit! I hope you have a nice day out there!  :)

Good work today for taking it easy in the evening! You deserve a cake. This one's for you. Wooo!https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/sites/default/files/recipe-collections/collection-image/2013/05/summer-berry-cake-with-rose-geranium-cream.jpg

I got a bit hungry and ate the first slice  ;)

Stay gold my friend  :)

Hey, thanks for the cake! I'm always happy to put the day on pause for some cake lol! I'll stay gold if you do!

Love what you said about the addiction having a positive side by inspiring others! You're right, it's hard to see that when you're in it, but it's really true that every negative must have a positive, and vice versa. Nothing can exist on its own without the opposite. We wouldn't know positive if we didn't know negative. We wouldn't know light without dark. We wouldn't know Yin without Yang.  Only the Pure Awareness is without opposite, because it is beyond opposite, beyond form, and beyond concept. It is just our very life essence. I hope you're finding Tolle's book inspiring.

- Adventurer

Thanks! Yeah, like I've said before and will continue to say, participating on this forum has really been transformative for my mindset/attitude towards recovery. I think more than anything it has given me a place to process it all, which is something I never had before. And Tolle's book is great! I think some of the ideas in the beginning of the book really helped me to focus on the Now and get through that crazy trigger the other day.

Today's report
Today was probably the most relaxed day of the week. I did some work on school stuff, did some work on my own projects, walked around a store for a while just to get out, and made some food for the next few days. I made some good progress, but not as much as I had hoped. Lately, I've been feeling especially tired in the afternoons, like physically and mentally weak. So it's been harder to get going, but I've also been careful to just accept that for now and take some time out to rest and recharge. I have been working out more rigorously in the last few weeks, so it might have something to do with that (maybe it's just normal, but I wouldn't know because I've never really worked out before in my life, lol).

Not much in the way of urges, probably just a few thoughts that came and went too quickly for me to remember them. Back to work tomorrow and then into the weekend.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 462
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #348 on: July 11, 2019, 09:29:19 PM »

Today's report
Lately, I've been feeling especially tired in the afternoons, like physically and mentally weak. So it's been harder to get going, but I've also been careful to just accept that for now and take some time out to rest and recharge. I have been working out more rigorously in the last few weeks, so it might have something to do with that (maybe it's just normal, but I wouldn't know because I've never really worked out before in my life, lol).

As a fitness nerd, I have two thoughts.  First you absolutely need more recovery if you are just starting to work out consistently.  Athletes should get 9 hours of sleep.  That's tough to do but if you can do it, you'll become superman.  The power of sleep is incredible.  You can also recover by stretching, baths and active recovery like walking.

Secondly try the twenty minutes recharge nap.  Set an alarm and keep it at exactly twenty minutes, keep the room dark and slightly cool of possible.  You'll find it's kind of trippy.  For me the first ten minutes I lay there then I go in and out and then I dream deep and I wake up refreshed.

pichaelthompson

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #349 on: July 12, 2019, 09:26:47 AM »
I've also been working out more recently, and have definitely been feeling tired both physically and mentally. Yeah like Squid said, rest and sleep is definitely key, I recently saw a ted talk about how getting a lack of sleep literally can change your DNA and make your body and mind age faster, bc mother nature has no evolutionary defense mechanism to this, as no other animals has ever had the problem of sleep deprivation. Sorry a little off topic, all this is just to say if you need to put aside some work to get an extra 2 hours of needed sleep, you should definitely do it!