Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 8062 times)

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #250 on: June 02, 2019, 06:05:37 PM »
I've read on YBOP that P could cause anxiety or, at least, increase it. Some people have reported a big reduction or complete disappearance of anxiety after quitting P so this is definitely something to keep an eye on.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #251 on: June 04, 2019, 06:36:59 PM »
I've read on YBOP that P could cause anxiety or, at least, increase it. Some people have reported a big reduction or complete disappearance of anxiety after quitting P so this is definitely something to keep an eye on.

Hey, thanks, Lero! That's an encouraging thought. The last little while has been one of the most difficult for me mentally/emotionally. Maybe that's just part of going longer than I can remember without PMO and the process of brain chemistry going back to normal. It could also be that I haven't been running to PMO at the first sign of trouble to numb my brain to negative feelings. Either way, it sounds like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and that's good to hear!

The last couple of days have been decent for me. No strong urges, maybe a thought here or there. I accidentally fell asleep after work today, but I probably needed it.

Just under two weeks away from 100 days without PMO. It's exciting, but I'm just trying to keep my focus on each day as it comes. Now is not the time to get sloppy.


Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #252 on: June 05, 2019, 02:32:03 AM »
100 days! Wow, man! This is outstanding! It seems like you have been handling it well. How do you feel by now? Any significant changes?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #253 on: June 05, 2019, 06:29:13 PM »
Thanks! It is exciting to be getting close to 100. It was my original goal when I first joined (I failed miserably at first), but it's been more attainable as I've stuck to smaller goals along the way.

I'm not too sure how I feel. Part of it is that I've been dealing with a lot of other things that have caused me some stress/depression, so I haven't been feeling great. But I also haven't been relying on PMO to deal with it, which is good.

I think the biggest change has just been my mindset. I've started paying attention to triggers that I wouldn't have even recognized as triggers before. That means I've been catching myself in the relapse process way earlier and way before I get anywhere close to PMO. I've also started to be more accepting of the fact that PMO is a part of my life story and then working to find ways to live with it. Instead of pretending that I don't find PMO enticing, I just recognize that it is something I like but something I don't have to do. I can choose to do other things. That has also helped me not to take progress for granted. I can't ease up just because I've got a good streak going (and I try not to focus too much on the streak, just on the current day).

I guess I do feel more in control, but I also feel like there's still a long road ahead. I read a book once that said that strong or stable recovery (I can't remember the exact word) only happens after two years of sobriety. So I'm optimistic, but I'm not ready to say I have it all figured out yet. I do have some better strategies for dealing with urges and triggers, though, and that's a big step in the right direction.

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #254 on: June 06, 2019, 01:33:04 AM »
That's outstanding progress, man!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #255 on: June 06, 2019, 06:15:35 PM »
Thanks! I appreciate your support.

I got myself with some sexual fantasies a couple of times today, and I just sort of said to myself, "What are you doing, man?" And I was like, yeah, what am I doing? So I moved on and did other things. It was interesting: I didn't have to fight myself, just catch myself and move on.

Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed day. I went into town, looked around some stores, remembered I was poor, and then came back home and hung out.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Lysandros

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #256 on: June 07, 2019, 01:08:13 AM »
Well done buddy! I'm almost up to a week and 100 days feels so long away. How much of a difference have you felt from when you first started?

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #257 on: June 07, 2019, 01:36:29 AM »
Thanks! I appreciate your support.

I got myself with some sexual fantasies a couple of times today, and I just sort of said to myself, "What are you doing, man?" And I was like, yeah, what am I doing? So I moved on and did other things. It was interesting: I didn't have to fight myself, just catch myself and move on.

Other than that, it was a pretty relaxed day. I went into town, looked around some stores, remembered I was poor, and then came back home and hung out.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.

That's outstanding progress, man! You moved past the fantasies just like that. 100 days, man! I have 4 days only but I'll get there too. Wait for me.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #258 on: June 07, 2019, 06:37:00 PM »
That's outstanding progress, man! You moved past the fantasies just like that. 100 days, man! I have 4 days only but I'll get there too. Wait for me.

I hope to be here still going strong to celebrate 100 with you, too! One thing that really helped me was setting smaller goals. Instead of trying to give up PMO for 100 days, I just focused on giving it up for 30 (honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to go 100 days without PMO). Since I was relapsing about once a month, 30 seemed right. After I did 30, I aimed for 30 more. Just keep going, one day at a time, know your patterns, and work on beating them.

Well done buddy! I'm almost up to a week and 100 days feels so long away. How much of a difference have you felt from when you first started?

Thanks, man! 100 days is getting close (less than a week now). I mentioned a few days ago that some things in my life right now are kind of a mess, so I've been feeling stressed out and overwhelmed by a lot. So I haven't been feeling my best. But I am feeling more in control of myself and less like I need PMO to function.

All that said, I can't take any of the progress for granted. Today I was driving and I thought I saw a girl that I "needed" to check out walking on the sidewalk, and I almost drove through a red light because of it. Oops! What a lousy mistake to make.

Keep your eyes on the road, guys, and we'll get where we're going. 

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #259 on: June 08, 2019, 02:05:50 AM »
Thank you very much for your encouraging words on my journal!  :)

You have come further than most on here and do extremely well analyzing your emotions and possible obstacles, been reading through the journal entries and can relate to this conclusion:

I know I've definitely gone back and forth on counting days. In the past it's been helpful and motivating up until the point that I relapse and then I quit for a while. Part of what I'm working on now is trying to do all the things that have helped (because I usually give up on things after a relapse and then keep relapsing), and counting has helped in the past. For me, it's also helpful to have some kind of goal (and not just count) because it has helped motivate me through urges the last couple months. When the urges strike a few days before my goal, it's easier to hang on for a couple days in order to achieve my goal and then the urges settle down.

The other part of counting, at least earlier in the year, is that it helped me realize that my relapses were happening more often and more regularly than I thought. I would have thought that I was easily going months at a time without a relapse, but counting forced me to realize that I was more on a 20-day cycle of relapsing. So in that way, it's been a helpful diagnostic just to see where I really am.

I've been stuck in the 20-day-cycle too and to my experience counting days helps to identify long term patterns of the brain (week 3-4 are the most difficult). Now that you are three months clean it's all about not becoming careless... keep treating this addiction as if it was day 1 and never underestimate our "enemy"! It took years to develop this addiction and they can't be undonde in just 90 days, but now you made it through the worst part and it's up to you - I'm sure you are going to make it to the "success stories" and finally overcome this addiction!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #260 on: June 08, 2019, 03:55:11 AM »
I hope to be here still going strong to celebrate 100 with you, too! One thing that really helped me was setting smaller goals. Instead of trying to give up PMO for 100 days, I just focused on giving it up for 30 (honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to go 100 days without PMO). Since I was relapsing about once a month, 30 seemed right. After I did 30, I aimed for 30 more. Just keep going, one day at a time, know your patterns, and work on beating them.

You know, maybe this is a good strategy sometimes. "I don't think I could go for 100 days without PMO so let's try for 30 and then if I can't go on, I'll give up." Then you reach 30 days and say: "I've succeeded in stay away for 30 days, I know I can, maybe I could go another 30."

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Thanks, man! 100 days is getting close (less than a week now). I mentioned a few days ago that some things in my life right now are kind of a mess, so I've been feeling stressed out and overwhelmed by a lot. So I haven't been feeling my best. But I am feeling more in control of myself and less like I need PMO to function.

That's what normal human beings are supposed to do. Life is good sometimes, bad sometimes, but we don't need to self-medicate ourselves. Self-medication actually doesn't fix the bad life, it doesn't heal anything.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #261 on: June 08, 2019, 04:11:15 PM »
Congrats man! Getting real close to your goal. Working out is great for sure, I have seen studies that show it is better then anti depressants by far for anxiety and depression. Any exercise classes near you? Can be social and make it easier plus not have to deal with youtube nonsense.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #262 on: June 08, 2019, 06:56:54 PM »
Thank you very much for your encouraging words on my journal!  :)

You have come further than most on here and do extremely well analyzing your emotions and possible obstacles, been reading through the journal entries and can relate to this conclusion:

I've been stuck in the 20-day-cycle too and to my experience counting days helps to identify long term patterns of the brain (week 3-4 are the most difficult). Now that you are three months clean it's all about not becoming careless... keep treating this addiction as if it was day 1 and never underestimate our "enemy"! It took years to develop this addiction and they can't be undonde in just 90 days, but now you made it through the worst part and it's up to you - I'm sure you are going to make it to the "success stories" and finally overcome this addiction!

Thanks a lot, Achilles! I'm always glad to give support: it's been at least as helpful as just getting my thoughts out of my head in this journal. Joining this forum was one of the scariest things I've done in my recovery process, but it has made a huge difference. I really appreciate your encouragement! And you're right: treating every day as if it was day 1 has really helped me to deal with things in a better way. When the going gets tough, I know I can make it through one more day (and it keeps me from getting too complacent like I have in the past).


You know, maybe this is a good strategy sometimes. "I don't think I could go for 100 days without PMO so let's try for 30 and then if I can't go on, I'll give up." Then you reach 30 days and say: "I've succeeded in stay away for 30 days, I know I can, maybe I could go another 30."


Thanks, man! It has really helped me to set smaller goals along the way. When the urges got really strong around day 27, I probably would have given up if I knew I still had 73 days to go, but I figured I could make it another 3. By then, the urges had settled down, and I continue making progress. It's all about keeping things small and manageable, I think.

Congrats man! Getting real close to your goal. Working out is great for sure, I have seen studies that show it is better then anti depressants by far for anxiety and depression. Any exercise classes near you? Can be social and make it easier plus not have to deal with youtube nonsense.

And thanks to you too! Always good to hear from you. Working out has been good for me, emotionally. I've never been very good at it, but I've been doing yoga for a while, and I think it got me to a place where I could finally deal with more strenuous exercise. I guess it's all a process, no matter what we're talking about (maybe someday I'll be confident enough for an exercise class, but I don't know if I'm there yet, lol).

Well, in the end, today was a pretty relaxed day. It was reasonably productive too, which is good. I've had a hard time getting started on things lately, so I'm working on that and today was a good step in the right direction. I got started on more things, and even finished a few.

Thanks again for all the support, and good luck to you all with another day!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #263 on: June 09, 2019, 06:25:04 PM »
Another quiet day. I think it will be a slightly busier week this week, but that's probably a good thing. I've been a little sluggish lately, and that might help shake me out of it.

Let's all go have a better week than the last one!

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #264 on: June 11, 2019, 04:19:33 PM »
I've been really sluggish too; I think a workout and healthy meals will get me back on track, among other things. Keep it up!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #265 on: June 12, 2019, 06:19:08 PM »
Thanks!

My internet was out yesterday for no reason, but I'm glad to be back and posting!

97 days. It makes sense that I would be feeling some urges/cravings now that my goal is close. That's always how it goes. They aren't very strong, but I have been noticing myself being a little casual with triggers. Maybe that's not the right way to say it, but I have been feeling more susceptible to things in the last few days. Nothing too strong, just something to take extra care of, I think. I'm close to the goal. Just got to keep going strong.

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #266 on: June 13, 2019, 08:52:08 AM »
The brain has a great way of making us "forget" how awful some pleasurable things made us feel. It's like when I got drunk long time ago, I felt sick, the hangover was killing me and I swore I would never ever drink again, only to get drunk again after a month. I "forgot" how I felt back then. The thought of feeling sick like that again now seemed a piece of cake. All I wanted was the pleasure. The same with all addictions, I guess. People quit hardcore addictions only to be back after a year. It's absolutely fucking disgusting what's going on. That's why we have to be mega careful.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #267 on: June 13, 2019, 03:06:57 PM »
The brain has a great way of making us "forget" how awful some pleasurable things made us feel. It's like when I got drunk long time ago, I felt sick, the hangover was killing me and I swore I would never ever drink again, only to get drunk again after a month. I "forgot" how I felt back then. The thought of feeling sick like that again now seemed a piece of cake. All I wanted was the pleasure. The same with all addictions, I guess. People quit hardcore addictions only to be back after a year. It's absolutely fucking disgusting what's going on. That's why we have to be mega careful.

I completely relate to this, and I would like to add that I think that in the short term the more times we make a mistake it is easier to not make it again as it is more ingrained in our minds not to do it again, but in the long term it makes it way harder. As we move away from our addiction we are going further and further into uncharted and uncomfortable territory. For me I have done a couple of 90 day streaks so this might be slightly more comfortable than someone that hasn't , but once I reach 150 days or so (hopefully) I will be completely new to the feeling of going without PMO (or just PM) for so long. Entering this uncharted territory makes doing familiar things such as letting urges come and go seem more unfamiliar than usual, so its important to constantly remind yourself to stick with what works even if it doesn't feel like it's working or feels worse than before. You're doing great, keep going strong!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #268 on: June 13, 2019, 03:59:51 PM »
I completely relate to this, and I would like to add that I think that in the short term the more times we make a mistake it is easier to not make it again as it is more ingrained in our minds not to do it again, but in the long term it makes it way harder. As we move away from our addiction we are going further and further into uncharted and uncomfortable territory. For me I have done a couple of 90 day streaks so this might be slightly more comfortable than someone that hasn't , but once I reach 150 days or so (hopefully) I will be completely new to the feeling of going without PMO (or just PM) for so long. Entering this uncharted territory makes doing familiar things such as letting urges come and go seem more unfamiliar than usual, so its important to constantly remind yourself to stick with what works even if it doesn't feel like it's working or feels worse than before. You're doing great, keep going strong!

I've experienced this with both alcohol and P. It's like, on that day, I know how miserable I feel and I tell myself I will never do it again, I will stay away from it for good. But after a period of time, the brain has a fucking great way of putting the pleasure higher than the miserable follow-up. Now, how miserable I felt back then seems nothing, like a piece of cake, and the promised pleasure is right there in front of me. I can smell it. Then I do it again and I feel miserable again and I'm reminded about that day and what I swore and I tell myself: "Didn't I tell you to stay away from it for good? Now you feel miserable like back then." You know what I'm saying?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #269 on: June 13, 2019, 05:59:05 PM »
Thank you so much, guys! I appreciate the support a lot!

I really am in new territory, and I'm excited to see where it leads. Today was a crazy busy day, so I didn't even have time for urges/negative feelings. That was helpful, but I still have to be careful. The next few days will be more relaxed, but I still have things to do. I've got better things going on now, I don't have time for porn anymore.

Thanks again, everyone. I'll check in tomorrow!

Do or die

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #270 on: June 14, 2019, 12:13:33 AM »
Keep going on reboot. It takes longer to completely rewire your brain. So don't expect major positive changes quickly. Be calm and believe in reboot process. All the  best for your journey.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #271 on: June 14, 2019, 03:43:23 PM »
Yep, everything Do or die said. The farther we go along this journey, the more we must appreciate the struggle of it because we don't have that fantasy image of "ourselves on a 100 day streak" like when we were on day 1. We are only who we are now, and that may mean some parts of us feel worse at times than who we were day 1. Sad I know, but it just goes to show how non-linear the path of progress is. Almost at 100, you got this!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #272 on: June 14, 2019, 04:24:19 PM »
Very important is to make sure you don't fall into that trap of: "I'm done with this, triggers won't affect me anymore," or something like that. You always have to treat it like always. What made you reach 100 days has to make you reach 200.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #273 on: June 14, 2019, 05:53:00 PM »
Thanks, guys, you're exactly right!

I definitely don't think 100 days is my ticket to freedom, but it is a good first step. I'm definitely going to set a new goal tomorrow in order to keep myself working towards something.

A few days ago, it was really nice out, and I was paying too much attention to the girls around campus. I felt pretty bad about it. It was nice again today, but I was prepared. I was aware of them, but I wasn't carried away by them. Shouldn't they be able to enjoy the weather without having some weird guy pretend he isn't staring at them? I did a much better job today by choosing to look at clouds, trees, and birds instead of body parts.

Little by little, I'll get this brain working better.

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #274 on: June 15, 2019, 01:43:08 AM »
Thank you very much for your support, not only to me but to the whole community! You are giving a great example!  :)

I definitely don't think 100 days is my ticket to freedom, but it is a good first step. I'm definitely going to set a new goal tomorrow in order to keep myself working towards something.

Keep it that way and you are right on track towards the "success stories"!