Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 18994 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #200 on: May 07, 2019, 06:42:21 PM »
Thanks, I decided to shoot for 100, why not? We'll see where I go from there.

Anyway, it was a reasonably productive day. I had a few urges that didn't really go anywhere. That's a good thing, but I'm also not sure I'm doing much to deal with them very deliberately. You know, just waiting them out, which probably isn't a good long-term strategy. Still getting the hang of going from no free time to all free time, I guess.

I've also sort of been processing something that happened last night. It's probably a small thing that doesn't matter, but it's been in my head and this is usually a good place for getting things out of my head. I was out at an activity last night with a group of people. I had it in my head that I would take the chance to talk to a new girl who had moved in recently, not really because I want to start anything with her (but what if?) but because she seems pretty cool and has been basically alone the last couple of times I've seen her (and it seems like she shouldn't be). When the event was starting, my buddy wanted to leave and he kept saying we should go and asking me what reason I could have to want to stay. I could tell that he needed to talk through some things, so I went with him and listened. I think that was probably the right thing to do, but I also felt unusually bad afterwards, like I had lost my chance to introduce myself to that girl and that I had let my friend pressure me into leaving even though it wasn't what I wanted to do.

And it's weird too because it's not like that was my only chance to talk to her. I'm sure I'll have a lot more chances in the future, and it's also not like I think it's headed toward any kind of relationship. But I've still been feeling down on myself since it happened. It's that unrealistic thinking in my head that says that because that one thing last night didn't go well nothing will ever work out. I know that's not true, but it still makes me feel weird. That's all. Thanks for reading my rambling.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #201 on: May 07, 2019, 08:00:38 PM »
That’s definitely a tricky situation you were  in, and I hope you can feel better knowing atleast you were there for your buddy. I always feel like I have to find the right answer or make the right decisions in life, but sometimes there is no way to know what is truly right or wrong, if there even is such a thing. That being said, maybe this streak has given you a greater desire to go out and talk to real women which is a great thing, but when you dont act on that feeling it can suck (that doesn’t mean that you always HAVE to talk to every woman- if a friend needs you, it seems perfectly reasonable to be there for him.) No reason to be down on yourself, as you said you’ll have many more opportunities....stay confident in yourself, we’re all rooting for you!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #202 on: May 08, 2019, 06:41:44 PM »
Hey, thanks!

Yeah, it was tricky, but I've sort of come to terms with it. What happened needed to happen. And you know, I hadn't thought about it before, but I've never really had the thought before that I was going to deliberately talk to/introduce myself to a woman. I was so distracted by things not working out in the moment that I didn't even realize that, for probably the first time, I had a real intention to strike up a conversation with a woman I didn't already know. Maybe that does have something to do with the streak and the other things I've been working on to be healthier and happier. It's not that I chickened out (which I have done so many times before) but that I ended up making a different choice. I guess it's not all bad. Plus I helped my friend, of course. Thanks for the outside perspective.

I had a little trouble with urges today, but the rest of the day was pretty chill. I've started thinking about being more deliberate about how I start and end my days. I've developed a habit in the last few months of spending way too much time in the mornings just looking at my phone in bed, and it just makes it so hard for me to get started. I want to cut that out. I think if I start the day better, it will go better. No more phone until after I work out in the morning. And then I want to read in the time before bed to relax into the night better. The morning and evening have been the times historically when I've had the most trouble with PMO, and they're still the times when I waste the most time. So I'm going to try to get them under control now that I'm not under so much pressure from school.


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #203 on: May 09, 2019, 08:11:24 AM »
I totally feel you on feeling bad about not talking to a girl! I still remember this beautiful girl in college looking at me, she just locked eyes with me for a minute. I am still like damn I wish I talked to her.... lol

In a way it's probably a good feeling in the long term..... it'll motivate you to get talking  to more girls in the future. Plus in this case it totally wasn't your fault, and you hopefully can likely talk to the girl another time. I sometimes have tended to be hard on myself about things with girls not going the way I want. The thing I am aiming to remember is.... being hard on oneself pretty much never works. I tend to be forgetful, I'll forget something get mad at myself, then I realized like "wait I have forgotten this thing 200 times and been mad at myself 200 times.... clearly being mad at myself isn't helping.." Same with girls, getting mad at myself for making a mistake. So I guess it's just helpful to consciously try and be easier on yourself, it's not easy though.

Also, the phone in bed is rough for sure! I try not to look at my phone too early in the morning and that is the way to go for sure!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #204 on: May 09, 2019, 05:26:36 PM »
Yeah! I'm probably too hard on myself in general, but I especially feel it when it comes to those long shots at romance. That's a hard one to work on because I feel like PMO on some level is the result of my being too easy on myself, so it's hard to ease up and not feel like I'm starting down a slippery slope. Something to think about for sure.

And you're right. I'll definitely get another chance. Maybe soon I'll get to report a different story.

Thanks for the support!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #205 on: May 10, 2019, 11:19:51 PM »
I totally know what you mean, that weird balance of being too hard/ too easy on self. I guess effectiveness is key. That is a great point, people being too easy on themselves can be a problem too. Perhaps a simpler thing is just focusing on moving forward? I mean in general not just for you or your situation. Just thinking out some thoughts on this topic.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #206 on: May 11, 2019, 06:44:03 PM »
I like that a lot, just focusing on making progress. Like if I wanted to go 10 miles, but I only went 5. I shouldn't call myself a failure: I'm still 5 miles ahead of where I was. All progress is progress, and I shouldn't be too upset with myself if it happens to be a little less than I hoped for. I think that really does add some helpful perspective.

I met with a group at a friends' house yesterday. We hung out and played games and stuff. It was a good time, and I socialized well and had some fun. For no reason at all, though, I spent the whole drive home feeling nervous and like I'd somehow done something wrong or made a fool of myself. Of course I didn't. Everything was chill, but that's the kind of worry that was running through my head. It's just how it goes sometimes, everything can be fine, but then whenever I put myself out there even a little, I spend the rest of the day worrying that I somehow messed it up. It's not rational, and it's not true. But the social anxiety is real sometimes, and I think it's all a part of what I'm working on.

Oh well, today was relaxed and pleasant. I hung out, did some work, tidied up a little. I didn't get as much done this week as I had originally hoped, but I also realized that I didn't write down any goals or set any deadlines for myself. So how could I have gotten much done? My one goal for tomorrow is to make some goals for the week and actually get things done. I should be able to do it no problem. I just need to hold myself accountable for the work now that school isn't.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #207 on: May 11, 2019, 07:58:55 PM »
I know 100% percent what you mean, I have had that as well, my mind would zero in after social interactions finding the one negative. Now that you mention it, I haven't noticed it the last few weeks, so at least it's not constant/passes. I was like that after every interaction for a solid stretch.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #208 on: May 12, 2019, 06:57:47 PM »
Oh good, so maybe I'll grow out of it  :D

Pretty chill day here for me. I had a headache for most of the day, but then I accidentally fell asleep while I was meditating and my headache was gone. So that was a bonus.

I'm going to try to write down some goals for the week before I go to bed and see if I can't have a more focused a productive week this time around. I've got some good ideas, so we'll see where it takes me.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #209 on: May 12, 2019, 11:06:49 PM »
Thats nice about the headache, normally if I fall asleep while meditating it's because I am underslept. The goals are super helpful, I wrote up some last week and it really has me accomplishing more, even on my unproductive days, I somehow keep progressing towards many of my goals.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #210 on: May 14, 2019, 06:28:51 PM »
That's super helpful to hear, thanks!

I tried sitting down to make some goals the other day, and I just drew a huge blank. I didn't have any ideas, and everything felt like it would be a waste of time. I think I was just in a bad mindset, but it sort of made me realize that I've been going along with the flow of school and letting other people tell me how to live my life. I've sort of forgotten what it is that fires me up and makes me excited.

So instead of writing goals, I've been trying to figure out what I really care about. I guess it's a process of soul-searching, and it's been interesting. I'm learning some things that I think I always knew but had never put into words. Hopefully, it'll get me somewhere.

Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned it in this journal before, but I've had this weird experience over the years of like edging while I'm asleep. Like I'll wake up masturbating, realize it and then stop. It's always confused me because I'm never sure if it's something I'm consciously doing or if it's just a weird thing that I shouldn't worry too much about. Usually, it seems like it has happened most when I'm struggling with urges and about to relapse, so I haven't really noticed it in a while. But I have a foggy kind of memory that it happened last night. I'm not really sure what to make of it or if it actually happened (it's hard to remember things from the middle of the night sometimes). It's kind of a weird thing to bring up, but it's also been a frustrating part of my recovery because it doesn't seem like something I can control but also seems like something I should be able to control. Anyone else have experience with something like that?

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #211 on: May 14, 2019, 11:01:18 PM »
Wow glad you brought that up! Shows it is helpful to be open..... (the thing about the sort of sleep masturbation)

Now, it could be not as bad for you... but in my experience, I had that happen it was super dangerous for me.... it led to lapses pretty soon after. It was super important to shut it down.

The key for me was....

Wearing harder to open clothing. If you are not wearing anything when sleeping, I'd change that for sure at least temporarily. For me, this hasn't (luckily) happened to me on this round of rebooting, but I had a period where it did. For now just wearing underwear, I consider a critical part of the reboot and I wear underwear with a fairly tight waste. When I had it as a real problem, the way to fix it was to wear tightish underwear AND fairly thick pajama pants either with tight elastic or with a drawstring. The drawstring can actually be more comfortable, since you can tie it where it does not feel too tight but you can't get your hand in there/ pull the pants off when semi conscious.

You'll get used to it, and you can make the room you sleep in a littler colder to compensate for the pants. For me I just take that pretty seriously, because when I went through the phase of that happening when I didn't shut it down it led to super frustrating lapses. The goal of the above btw... is simply (gonna go a little tmi (too much information) lol) you won't access your penis while asleep/ semi conscious, so you either won't do it or will wake up in the process.

Although some of this stuff may feel weird to talk about (hell, I posted a few days ago about how being naked while getting errands done was moving my penis around inadvertently which was stimulating so I had to put on underwear) (Nothing against gay people, but good thing I think most of us here are not gay, because I think that image will be not be too trigger for most of us, quite the opposite lol)  it is good to talk about it, since these annoying weird things/ like weird stimulations and other sneaky stuff is what kills the long streaks a lot of times it seems.

I feel you on having trouble with setting the goals. I am just getting back into it: Having the path is a good idea. Something useful though as well, is just to set small goals for the month. Ones you know for sure you can do, maybe even things you already know you will accomplish. I did this and just find it builds confidence, it's like building momentum. I also theoretically, think it helps heal our brains, because a healthy dopmaine system is heavily involved in goal setting/pursuit/ accomplishment. So I think setting small goals and achieving them is good for helping our confidence/ dopamine system recover. Another good one to do is fitness/ strength stuff. Something real simple like say you can do 5 push ups, maybe you want to be able to do 10 in a row within a month.

I read on article how fitness/workout goals are really good to start with/ overcome burnout, since it is so obvious when progress is made. 5 push ups---> 10 push ups. Which is basically good for our brains, to see obvious progress like that and it builds motivation.

Also again man thanks for being so consistent! You are the most consistent support/ poster on here and you have been journaling for much longer then most of the other active journals/ posting. So keep it up and I plan to stick around as well.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 11:06:18 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #212 on: May 15, 2019, 06:21:57 PM »
It is kind of a weird thing to bring up, but I really appreciate your thoughts! Like everything I mention here, I'm always surprised and happy to hear that it isn't just me. It definitely has always led to relapse in the past, so I want to make sure I'm shutting it down and not just letting it happen. In the past, it seems like it has happened more when I've had more sexual thoughts during the day, which I haven't been having as much lately, so it's kind of a mystery. It happened for sure last night for just a little bit: I fully woke up and turned over and went back to sleep. I've got a pair of shorts with a drawstring, so I might just bust those out for the next while just to be on the safe side.

And you're right on about the goals, too. It's so funny how I forget to apply what I learn to other areas of life. I've been learning recently about setting smaller goals to deal with PMO, but then here I go trying to set huge goals for the rest of life. Why would I do that? That only makes me feel stressed out about everything. Have I learned nothing? I'm mostly joking. It's a good reminder, though. If there is anything I have this summer, it's going to be time, so it's okay to start small. No rush. If I stick to small things, I can build up to larger goals when I figure out what works. Trying to set a goal that is too big is like thinking I'll have it all figured out before I even start, and when has that ever worked for anyone? Thanks for the reminder.

And thanks for support! I'm always so glad to hear that my posting here is good for more people than just me. I've learned so much about myself and my recovery by having to write out my thoughts and bounce ideas off of people. I used to say that meditation made the biggest difference for me, but I think being active on this forum has done even more for me than that. Where else could I get helpful advice about what kind of pants I wear to bed lol? So thanks right back at you for also being consistent: I've seen people come and go in the last few months, and it really helps to see people sticking around

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #213 on: May 15, 2019, 07:55:48 PM »
Haha, I am happy to make reccomendations about pants lol.

So true about the goals and how small ones helps. A remember reading something to the effect of "it's better to set a goal and then easily exceed it and knock out of the park, then to set one so high it is stressful". I am definetly finding this to be true, I have been setting and hitting small goals it's upping my confidence. Good reminder because I have hit half of them this month already! And tomorrow is likely another good opportunity to set some more small goals... Also if the small goal is reached, nothing is stopping us from setting another one literally immediately after.

AND Like you were saying about setting huge goals is reading the future. The nice thing with the smaller goals, we can accomplish them, see how much they help us in life or make us happier and do that repeatedly. It's getting real world data, almost like the scientific method. "Is this a good goal?" Yeah it really enhanced my life. " hmmm this one wasn't worth the time". Etc. So instead of needing to know exactly what we want, setting and achieving goals can help us see what we want IMO.

100% on the forum being so helpful, writing the thoughts out. All these little moments add up so much. So many brief posts I have made have just allowed me that little extra push to keep my mind clear. It is also great to see others going through the same stuff, makes me realize it's not unique and is likely related to PMO and thus fixable when pmo free for a longer and longer period.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #214 on: May 16, 2019, 06:20:15 PM »
I'm happy too, lol. It did the trick for me.

Anyway, I set some small goals today and got most of them done, which is pretty good. I haven't had very productive days lately. I've been so paralyzed about trying read the future with big goals that it has stopped from doing anything. So instead I just asked what I could do today and did it. And I think some of them are things that I will keep doing.

I have still been reflecting on what I really want in life, and one of the things that I realized today is that I generally feel pretty powerless, and I usually give up what I want because I think it will make other people happy. I sort of tend to be a people-pleaser, and I'm only now realizing how harmful that can be to me and to others, so I guess I'll start working on that too. I think setting small goals will help, give me a sense of power in achieving things that will make me feel better. I want to try to do a better job of sticking up for myself and being open about my feelings and wants. (Baby steps, of course)

Oh, but just now I had a closeish call. I'm not really sure why or how, but I sat down and started doing a rationalizing thing. I was searching for something "safe" on a "safe" website. No porn, not a relapse, but still not anything close to what a guy in my position should be doing. It was the sort of thing that got my dopamine going and got my heart racing for a little, which is a drag because it probably will only set me up for urges and fantasies for the next few days. That's something I could have avoided if I had just made better decisions. But there's not much I can do about it now, just be aware of it, take things slow, and not get too mad at myself. Possible triggers for what happened: becoming aware of my feelings of powerlessness and dwelling on them too much and getting carried away by fantasies of not being single. Come to think of it, I've been thinking more about not being single than I've realized the last few days. As much as it's true that I would love to be in a relationship, fantasizing about it does help at all.

Well, off to see what tomorrow brings.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #215 on: May 16, 2019, 08:11:28 PM »
Glad the pants did the trick!


Are there any activities you can do? Even something arbitrary, a fitness class or anything?


You mentioned the close call and it being triggered by thinking about feeling helpless/ too much of a people pleaser etc.
An odd thing I noticed with myself... when it comes to self improvement, focusing on myself too much didn't work too well. It leads to feeling bad, whereas losing myself in something else was helpful.

Totally random but an example: Say you feel like you don't stand up for yourself enough. Thinking about it might lead to just feeling bad. But if you lose yourself in a hobby it can feel good. Say you take up boxing, the first few months it stinks and it's annoying, but you're worried about how to learn to throw a punch properly and how to avoid being punched, how to move and stay balanced etc. It's frustrating BUT the focus is off yourself. It's a bit nicer to be like "man, I am frustrated with this boxing thing!" versus "Man I am frustrated with my general way of being". That goes on for some months, 6 months later you have the basics of boxing down, you may not be a pro or anything but you literally have the physical ability to beat up like 90% of people if you had to.

Does that mean go get in street fights? Definitely not, but it may change how you feel about yourself and how you carry yourself, thus feeling like less of a people pleaser? (This is a tiny bit theoretical not saying you have to box or it's the issue, just the general thing of I have found focusing on hobbies and outside skills helps how I feel about myself whereas analyzing myself too much doesn't work too well.

In my case I was bullied when younger, did take up boxing and other martial arts and it made me feel not 100% but so much better and is the basis for a lot of my confidence. Maybe a public speaking club (toastmasters is free and everyone) or a debate class in school could be more relevant? Then you just focus on enjoying learning to speak etc. and sort of make yourself forget about the deeper issue. (So that all the ups and downs of learning aren't super personal)

Me for example, I'll get all upset about not succeeding with women, I'll feel all kinds of insecurities. But I started going to a gym class I like I am the only guy there and all these friendly attractive women are their smiling at me, so that makes me feel better about the whole women thing without analyzing myself etc. Just focusing on the class.

One more thing, I may be a bit of a people pleaser too, I have the tendency to avoid confrontation, but it might not be all bad. I mean me and you on this forum seem to get really good feedback and appreciate from others, people tell me I come off as really friendly in real life. So it's all trade offs. Thereas good aspects to basically being a "nice" guy.

I was in a dating coaching group once, to learn to improve with women and like some guys were too nice, but a lot of those guys could learn to be confident and more assertive and succeed socially. Then some dudes were just jerks who didn't care about other people, out to prove something. There was nothing to really be done about that.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #216 on: May 17, 2019, 05:06:18 PM »
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm thinking I might just take up street fighting lol!

I think you're right about a couple of things. Focusing on just myself is a problem, more than likely. I definitely need to engage with something more deeply. It makes me think: I have set small goals for the day, but I haven't made a plan/schedule. That means that I have a day of good intentions that don't go anywhere. Time to think about making a schedule for myself too.

But I think you're also onto something deeper than that that I'll probably have to think more about. You know, not just keeping busy but making progress. I'm not sure I have a solid idea right now what that means for me. Probably not boxing,  but something like that, something to build confidence and to help me feel more secure. I'll definitely spend some time thinking about what that might be. I think there's something there.

I had some urges and fantasies to deal with this morning, but I tried to keep myself focused, and things calmed down a lot throughout the day. Not the most productive day at the end of things,  but not a bad day either.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #217 on: May 17, 2019, 08:06:44 PM »
In my experience, I never know what the heck I am going to like lol....

I wanted to do some form of martial art for self defense and so many of them were trash, then I got into boxing by accident.
I thought I'd love partner/latin dancing. I logically thought how great it'd be. It'd up my confidence with women, I'd be learning how to work as a team. It'd help me rewire. I'd love it and get exercise and then have a really easy way to meet women without even trying! : )

Turns out I HATE that stuff. LOL. Like I just hate salsa dancing, it's not fun. I didn't enjoy dancing with a partner, it wasn't really a good way to meet women, they were demanding and it felt like a job. So, all my well thought out reasons for it being great were 1000% wrong.

Now, I got into a different type of dancing. Not gonna even say what, but it is considered totally gay/ for women lol. (It's the workout class where the women look at me). I tried the class randomly and I ended up having a great time and really liking it. Never would have planned out being into it, it was like "hmmm, maybe that'll be cool *shrug*".

Anyways, I guess what I am saying is, for me it's been hard to plan out what I actually like, but just trying  a bunch of stuff certain things would stand out.

I am not 100% what my major passion/ direction is. But having a few little hobbies is still pretty cool and feels pretty good.

Edit: Speaking of trying stuff... as I logged off the computer I saw a bunch of poetry books on the ground of my apartment. I was thinking "I am good at writing" then at the bookstore I flipped through this book about poetry saying how great it was and is healing etc.

I got a bunch of poetry books and books on how to write poetry. To try it.

I HATE that shit. Lol. Like I read two sentences of any poem and I hate it.

BUT- I lost absolutely nothing (books from library)by trying it out and I mean we can only have so many hobbies. If I tried 10 things and get 1 hobby thats pretty fine.
« Last Edit: May 17, 2019, 08:20:39 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #218 on: May 18, 2019, 06:04:45 PM »
That's a really good thought: most of the things that have become my hobbies have been sort of accidental. Even what I'm studying in school was just something I sort of stumbled into. That's a good point: don't try to control everything. Maybe the solution to feeling powerless is not controlling everything but making an empowered decision to be okay with the things that I can't control (and still get better about sticking up for myself and not just completely going with the flow, but I digress).

Today was better than the last few, at least in terms of urges and feeling down. I got a sheet of paper and wrote down all the problems I face with one of my responsibilities and started thinking through more specific things that I can do to work towards solving those problems. It is something that I hope will alleviate some of my stress, and I might try it with some other aspects of my life as well. Anyway, I got part way through thinking through a solution to a problem, and I got suddenly very discouraged and thought, "Why bother, it's not like anyone does anything anyway." I think that's probably the wrong attitude, so I'm not going to give up, but I did have to take a break and go watch tv for a little to get my mind off it lol. Oh well, maybe I can try tomorrow after a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow should be a pretty decent day. Hopefully I can leave this round of urges behind for a few days (or more)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #219 on: May 18, 2019, 06:34:15 PM »
I often forget to do it, but have heard writing is really good for working out problems and getting them out of our heads.

Glad to hear you got through the triggering days! Looks like I am that situation at the moment, so I'll aim to follow your lead and get out to the other side!

Plus no matter what else is going on in your life, you have a nice long time PMO free right now! So your brain is healing bit by bit and at some point you'll likely turn the corner. So even if the feelings aren't all there, you're moving in the right direction.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #220 on: May 19, 2019, 05:59:11 PM »
Thanks for the reminder. It's a simple thing, but it is really helpful to remember that I am doing the right thing and that things are healing and improving little by little. Even if I'm not feeling it now, it's on its way.

Today was very chill urges-wise, which is a nice relief. I did have a porn dream during the night, and those usually make things worse, it seems like, but not today. Come to think of it, I've sort of realized that this last round of urges were more about MO than PMO. Porn and masturbation are all part of the same issue for me, so I don't know that I want to call it a breakthrough, but it's almost like my brain was saying "fine, if you won't give me P, and least give me MO." Maybe with time my addicted mind will stop thinking it can call the shots: it might be getting the message now that porn is off the table. I guess we'll have to see.

It should be another more relaxed week coming up, which I'm going to just try to embrace rather than stress about. There will be plenty of time to get lots of things done, so I shouldn't rob myself of a break by getting angry that I'm not doing as much. I should hopefully have a test this week related to school,  but it's been hard to schedule, so who knows. 

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #221 on: May 19, 2019, 08:49:49 PM »
Glad to hear the urges are still subsided!

I definitely agree that a dream about MO, although not always pleasant and what we want, is definitely huge progress versus a PMO dream so that's big and is definitely an indicator of healing in the brain. Also I know what you mean about MO. MO is a huge issue for me as well. It's good to hear about others with the issue...

The problem with MO is it can be rationalized as not a problem. But I KNOW 100% it is and it's all related. So again, good to hear it's not just me and it's a similar boat.

I also so know what you mean about having free time and not letting yourself enjoy it. I did that so much, just not accepting relaxing, needing to make it stressful or be stressed about what I wasn't doing. I still get it from time to time, having just piles of fun books laying around has helped me with that  a lot.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #222 on: May 20, 2019, 06:47:57 PM »
It's good to hear that you're doing well @Blueheronfan! My brain also tries to make compromises with me, a common one has been "if you PMO just one more time, you can say goodbye to it for good. Give it a proper goodbye." I know this is irrational beyond belief, just goes to show that while our brain might always try to trick us, we gain insight on how to keep going forward by side-stepping these tricks. In other words, triggers can be opportunities for growth; so while they are inherently bad, there is still good that can come from it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #223 on: May 21, 2019, 06:10:49 PM »
You're both right, and I'm glad to hear your thoughts. That proper goodbye stuff is nonsense,  but I've been there, the goodbye that just keeps giving.

Well, you've also convinced me of something else. I've been reading at posting at a set time, just to help me keep it as part of my routine, but I think I'm going to try to drop in a couple of times throughout the day maybe. Because just reading through your comments has given a boost that I needed.

I'm not sure that I really know why right now, but a wave of sadness came over me this afternoon. I've just sort of been down in the dumps for the last few hours and totally unmotivated to do anything. It has triggered me hard, and I found myself starting to test the edges a little (how close to porn can I get without getting to porn) on a social media app. Well, I deleted just now because I don't need it, and it's putting me at risk. Close call, definitely got the addictive dopamine loop going, but no P, M, or O. So that's something.

Stopping by here, though, has helped me to step away from the urges and from the weird sadness that got me today. So I think I won't just leave this for the end of the day anymore. It really did help, so thanks a lot for your comments! Every day counts as much as any other, but today is my 75th day without PMO and I'm not in a hurry to mess that up.

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #224 on: May 21, 2019, 08:25:57 PM »
I'm sorry you've been feeling bad this afternoon, I've been there more times than I can even begin to remember. I also get super lazy and unmotivated, and I usually will lie in bed and/or eat alot of junk food. While I may get temporary relief, it feels harder to bounce back the following days. I know it's probably the last thing you'd want to do while feeling this way, but sometimes it helps to do something good for yourself like workout or even just go for a walk. That's not to say that you'll feel great after, just maybe slightly less shitty and will feel more positive sooner than you think.

Regardless, you're doing great just by stepping away from urges, and the 75 day streak is something you should be very proud of even if it doesn't feel that way. I hope you feel better soon!