Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 10491 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #100 on: March 08, 2019, 07:23:20 PM »
A much quieter day, which is just what I needed.

I think I'm realizing that I have a better day in general when it starts well. If I get off to a bad start, it's hard to salvage it. Something to keep in mind moving forward.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #101 on: March 09, 2019, 07:36:21 PM »
Another quiet day. It looks like this most recent storm has passed. Now I just need to do a better job of preparing myself for the next one.

I'm working on a list of things/places/feelings that have triggered me to use P in the past. As I move forward, I really want to understand the underlying causes and work on dealing with them instead of just trying to stop acting out.

Here we go

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #102 on: March 10, 2019, 08:04:20 AM »
Another quiet day. It looks like this most recent storm has passed. Now I just need to do a better job of preparing myself for the next one.

I'm working on a list of things/places/feelings that have triggered me to use P in the past. As I move forward, I really want to understand the underlying causes and work on dealing with them instead of just trying to stop acting out.

Here we go
I think like it's a good thing to do, just don't overdo it. The more you think about P and the more you'll activate the pathway and the closer you are to a relapse! Just be careful, me I know it's boredom and loneliness that are triggers! Up to a certain extent not even in front of a computer or cellphone!! Only these two feelings that spark urges, maybe a little bit stress too!

Stay Strong brother!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #103 on: March 10, 2019, 07:33:55 PM »
Thanks, you're right. I definitely think loneliness has something to do with it for me, but I think even more than that I usually relapse in response to a feeling of being stuck/frustrated. I don't really know how to describe, which is kind of the point. If I can figure out how to address that feeling in a more productive way, I think I'll be taking a big step forward.

Anyway, today was good. I'm out of school for the week, so it will be a good time for resting and also catching up. I've been feeling really behind lately, so a week off will give me a good chance hopefully to feel more in control

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #104 on: March 11, 2019, 08:05:56 PM »
Not much to say about today. I made it through without much trouble. I spent some time working out a better way to keep track of my to-dos. I've been sort of drowning in tasks, and I need a better way to organize and do them. I think that will really help to take some of the stress out of the equation.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #105 on: March 12, 2019, 07:08:21 PM »
Another day. Slept in, did some school work, made some bread. I haven't made bread in a while, and I really liked it. I ended the day with a warm slice of bread with some butter. It was a simple, wholesome sort of thing. That's the kind of life I want, one where bread and butter is all my brain needs to feel okay. Someday, we'll be there.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #106 on: March 12, 2019, 09:50:33 PM »
That's cool! Happy that you had a good day! We'll be there sooner than we think espacially with all the efforts we put into this reboot!

Stay strong brother!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #107 on: March 13, 2019, 07:34:29 PM »
Thanks, man!

Today was also good. I mostly just sat at my desk, but it was one of the most productive days I've had in a while, which I'm excited about. I've definitely earned my sleep tonight.

Here's to tomorrow!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #108 on: March 14, 2019, 08:46:32 PM »
Awesome, I had that same kind of day today! It feel so great and as we add these days we end up with a productive life!

Continue like that ;)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #109 on: March 14, 2019, 09:25:15 PM »
Thanks--that's it, one day at a time we build a better life!

Today was a little less productive, but I still got a few things done. I spent some time with a friend tonight, and it was good to catch up.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #110 on: March 15, 2019, 08:00:30 PM »
Did some work today, not much else. I felt some stress throughout the day, but, instead of just working through it, I took some time out to meditate and calm down, and it helped a lot.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #111 on: March 15, 2019, 09:43:52 PM »
Here's me in a nutshell: I really fell into heavy pornography use and masturbation through high school (probably at least one session every day). I started to struggle with it (tried to stop) when I went to college and have continued to make incremental progress in overcoming this problem in the years that have followed. I'm in graduate school, and it's been a couple years since I've actually looked at anything with explicit nudity--but I've still found substitutes for explicit material and have found myself spending a big chunk of time, like one night about every one to three months, looking at non-explicit material and edging.

It's been a frustrating point in my journey. It's like there's a switch in my head that gets flipped "on" every couple months. For the most part, I feel like I function normally without thinking about porn, without wanting it, easily being able to say no when an urge or opportunity passes me by. But, every so often, it seems like it grabs me and won't let go until I waste a night edging to non-explicit stuff. Then I feel defeated, sort of like I haven't really made all that much progress. Lately, though, things have started happening more frequently (a few times in the last two months), and I've found myself looking up explicit things but then looking at the corner of the screen or something like that (not looking directly at the nudity on-screen). I'm not sure what I think about that, but I know that I can't quite bring myself to cross the line into explicit pornographic images or masturbation to orgasm. So I guess I feel like I'm stuck in a weird sort of limbo. I know I want to quit, and I feel pretty successful at it most of the time, but then I slip up every so often, and I worry that it might be getting worse rather than better right now.

I've learned a lot about myself over the years in battling this problem. I've learned that it most often comes at me when I'm feeling frustrated or hopeless about the future (especially in the context of my hopes for a marriage and family sometime in the future, like porn tries to fill that gap in its own terrible way). So I guess I've started spending more time paying attention to my emotions since it seems like it's negative emotions that fuel thoughts of porn that eventually lead to acting out. I've been working on my emotions through meditation, yoga, and more dedicated religious practice. I think I'm starting to turn a corner on how I feel about myself and my relationship to other people. I still wonder, though, sometimes about the balance between being compassionate with myself but not letting myself off the hook for bad behavior.

Anyhow, a long story made short, I was listening to something the other day that said a community is important in overcoming things like addiction. I found this place in my search for a community and hope that being a part of this group will be one of the things that's been missing in my recovery

I have not read your whole journal yet but really can relate to this first post. In terms of being mostly stopped but doing little edging teetering the edge of the addiction etc. As well as the having no cravings then suddenly a strong one.

When it comes to the marriage prospect. I listed my triggers a HUGE one, is this weird headspace where I think like "I have no prospects for dating... I want to be with a woman now etc etc" that's all bad. The best way, is to just realize it is NOT real. It's a weird headspace and just like any other strong urge. Literally it is happening to me a little now. I texted me neighbor to hang out, like impulsively I don't even know her and I feel dumb and that it was odd. But it came from this odd place of like feeling like I want female company now. It's like, whats the rush? For me the big help for handling this, is having motivation that are NOT about dating or women etc. Like if my main motivation is "I'll get over this and my dick will work and I can date" then when I feel down about being able to date women or that I have no opportunites to date, it's like well... fuck it!

So, a nice way to fix that is to think of other motivations for getting through those urges.

If I get throught these cravings.
- I'll have more focus and energy tomorrow
- Literally my brain will heal (prefrontal cortex gets stronger, dopamine recpetors become more sensitive)
-I'll have more energy to put in business
- I'll eventually be able to ENJOY way more nourishing activities to boost myself when I am down.

One more thing is.... I feel like you and are in a "in between" stage. Like mostly healed so it feels not so bad, the flip side is this lowers motivation....

Remembering the negative can help. What are the WORST moments of this addiction?

I have lost whole days.
Had awful experiences of my dick not working.
Towards the end even when watching porn I did not have real erections, I forgot what my full erections were like.
I contacted prostitutes as masturbation material

And worse... it sucks to think about but it helps to motivate, like this shit REALLY as bad and has to go.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #112 on: March 16, 2019, 08:16:32 PM »
Wow, thanks so much for your thoughts! This is all really helpful, and it's always good to hear from someone who's in a similar spot to me.

You're definitely right about the weird headspace. One of things I've really been thinking about since my last teeter/relapse has been not just not looking at porn but also getting better control of anything that gets the dopamine going in an unhealthy way. Part of that has been better about not being carried away by wanting to date/marry someone. In the past, I've sort of thought it was harmless because it wasn't porn, but I'm also realizing that those kinds of thoughts always, always come a few days or weeks before a relapse. It's like my gateway drug.

So now I'm just working at being a better, healthier me so that I'll be ready for her when the time actually comes, and I'm trying not to worry so much about being on my own for the time being. It can be tough, but it feels like the right thing to do.

Looking forward to talking about this stuff more with you. Here we go, together!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #113 on: March 17, 2019, 12:16:58 AM »
Yeah let's keep it up!

It's amazing how similar the triggers are.... Exactly the same, I'll start thinking/fantasizing about real women but that is a definite trigger for me.

I actually came online just now to post about this. I caught myself thinking "I am horny" a few times. But no, I was not horny I was having an urge craving etc. in the very very early stages. Maybe you are like me, I have a very strong imagination. I was surprised to get a text message from a girl, it was fairly platonic but I thought "I am horny" and my mind starts almost fantasizing about her, it feels real but then it's like wait this isn't real! That was happening in my mind. All thats real was the text I received, and it was non sexual.

For me I need to recognize the thought "I am horny" is often not accurate, what I am feeling is not just natural physical horniness... it is in large part also the beginning of an urge to fantasize a whole bunch about sex, which is a huge trigger for me for PMO and other nonsense (I developed some fetishes from the porn, that I am working to unwire from).

This doesn't mean I will turn down all sexuality, just to learn to separate actually having sex with a girl from a weird urge to need sex right now, which is not natural. Porn messes up the natural brain wiring and sexual process. Connection, socializing and even paying attention to the others persons feelings are a natural part of sex (even if it is casual, people use alcohol to get around this imo). This '' I need sex right now feeling" is not natural I reckon. In a natural setting, what if your partner is sleeping? What if no one is around? etc. plus a girl never does exactly what you imagined, even if they want to be accommodating, any interaction between two people just doesn't work like that, googling whatever you want whenever you want.

( this may be known and probably all over this site I am just sort of thinking as I write and putting some thoughts down)

So a part of this rewiring is going to be to have healthy sexuality that is CONTROLLED. And again for me, real sex with a woman is fine, just not fantasizing about it like crazy and coupling this with a healthy awareness and healthy even fear of the addiction to make sure watch oneself and not get swept back into it. (Being aware of and ready for the chaser effect for example which derailed my very first reboot).

That is a great attitude, improving ourselves and that will carry over into our relationships with women or our future wife and is very cool.

For example, I never thought I could be excited about this but I am.....

I am actually getting excited about having actual healthy ways to cope with stress! I literally consciously visualized being upset having a shit day and doing healthy things to feel better after. This is not the sort of thing I thought would be exciting but visualizing it really motivated me. For example, I had some triggers tonight and I went and did a short super late workout, since I figure that is a super powerful way to fight a craving (workouts change brain chemistry, it can't be stopped no matter how strong the craving is, so i figure if I workout it HAS to at least weaken the craving no matter what). So I had this short workout, and then did a late night swim for a looonnnggg time until I was exhausted, I practiced holding my breath and stuff and felt like I was on drugs after (but in a natural good way lol). It actually feels really good to be like "man, this would be pretty cool to be doing this consistently, doing fun healthy things for excitement and having habits thoughts and a lifestyle that is just healthy and happy.

Many sorry this post got long! Let's both keep up the good work!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #114 on: March 17, 2019, 08:32:31 PM »
No worries--this is the place for thinking things through, and I'm happy to see your thoughts here, especially given the similarities in our situations/triggers. It's really helpful to remember that I'm not alone in my experience, so post away!

But yeah, I know what you mean about that weird sex-right-now feeling. It's not realistic or healthy. It's a corruption of healthy sexuality, and it's one that seems like it's only possible with porn (for all I know). I was reading something a little bit ago about how one of the things that porn sets up is a false expectation for novelty. If you get bored of a picture or video, something else is just a click away. There's always something new. But, of course, that's no way to think of a healthy, long-term relationship. You can't (and shouldn't) just click to something new when you get bored.

I'm with you on being excited about improving in other areas of life. I've been eating better, exercising, learning to deal with stress and frustration in better ways. It all helps with my addiction, but it also just makes everything else better too.

We're headed in the right direction, so let's keep on going!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #115 on: March 18, 2019, 07:32:50 PM »
Not much happened today. I spent most of the day working on a big project for school. It's been a big thing that I've been stressed out about for a while, so it feels like such a relief to finally be turning it in!

Here's, hopefully, to somewhat smoother sailing for the rest of the semester and a better chance to take care of my recovery with more focus.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #116 on: March 18, 2019, 10:31:11 PM »
Not much happened today. I spent most of the day working on a big project for school. It's been a big thing that I've been stressed out about for a while, so it feels like such a relief to finally be turning it in!

Here's, hopefully, to somewhat smoother sailing for the rest of the semester and a better chance to take care of my recovery with more focus.
Sounds great! Sometimes a quiet day is really nice to have, especially during recovery. Plus getting the work done is great, it feels good today and will pay off later on when you have the project done and don't need to do it all last minute, win-win.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #117 on: March 19, 2019, 03:22:02 PM »
Not much happened today. I spent most of the day working on a big project for school. It's been a big thing that I've been stressed out about for a while, so it feels like such a relief to finally be turning it in!

Here's, hopefully, to somewhat smoother sailing for the rest of the semester and a better chance to take care of my recovery with more focus.

I'm happy to see that even with the stress from school, you're still on the path, my friend!

I just wanted to congratulate you on your progress and to tell you that doing your school stuff help in your recovery! So even if you don't take "care " of it per say, if you stay busy, you're still well on the way!

Stay Strong!!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #118 on: March 20, 2019, 08:11:36 PM »
Thanks, guys!

Yesterday was a long and busy day, so I ended up not posting. Today was still busy but not as much. Still on track. I noticed some thoughts and moments today when my brain wanted that rush of dopamine. Now that I'm paying attention to that instead of just trying not to look at P, I'm noticing that I'm catching myself sooner and redirecting, which is good. I'm not perfect at it yet, but it's a start, it's progress.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #119 on: March 20, 2019, 10:36:52 PM »
Good stuff! Great insight about the catching ourselves sooner and sooner in the process, that is definitely progress and makes things soo much easier. It's a little easier to catch oneself a second into glancing at a girl than to notice a strong urge at night after having looked at girls all day and probably much better for our brains and recovery, avoiding those dopamine surges. Keep it up!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #120 on: March 21, 2019, 08:26:30 PM »
Thanks! I really think catching things sooner is going to make a big difference. It's definitely something I've been working on, and it's helped me not to be so lax with my thoughts this week.

Today was another decent day. I have an important meeting with some professors at school tomorrow. It's a little stressful,  but I think it will go well. Then it's the weekend and another chance to catch my breath after a busy week

pichaelthompson

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #121 on: March 21, 2019, 10:41:21 PM »
Nice job catching/redirecting your thoughts, keep it up! What I've been trying to apply from my meditation is not only to catch these thoughts sooner, but to also the manner in which you redirect them. I've been trying to redirect them gently, rather than aggressively....like you're barely just touching it and it pops like a bubble :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #122 on: March 22, 2019, 07:13:44 PM »
Yes--that's a great point! I've definitely been working on being more positive and compassionate with myself. I've definitely been aggressive with myself as I've dealt with this addiction, so I'm trying to change that.

Today was a good day, though. My meeting with my professors went very well, and I feel more confident about the work I'm doing at school. I've been feeling really out of place there for a while, so this is a good step in the right direction.

Here comes the weekend!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #123 on: March 22, 2019, 10:57:18 PM »
Glad it's going well for you! Congrats on the meeting.

I notice reading that it's going well for someone else is helpful for me too. Cause I may be a little down, but I get reminded like oh yeah, I remember what it's like to have the good times. Enjoy the weekend, those two days off can be the best

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #124 on: March 23, 2019, 08:35:19 PM »
Thanks, man! Today was a decent day, a little busier than I planned on, but I had dinner with a friend unexpectedly. It gave me a little boost that I needed.

Let's see what tomorrow brings