Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 35475 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #925 on: February 15, 2020, 08:53:06 PM »
Thanks, quit! Just chugging along!

Good day

It didn't go exactly as planned, but it ended up being pretty good.

Earlier in the week, my department at school posted a part-time job for next year that I didn't know was opening up, so I decided to apply. I spent the whole morning trying to figure out what I would say in my letter besides, "Uh, I would like to have this job please." But I didn't really get anywhere. Then I went to a church thing, but I got there super late and was kind of flustered when I arrived. But I sat down and tried to settle into things, and then an idea for the job application popped right into my head. I thought about experience I have in my current job that would be really useful for this new one and that I for some reason had never thought of before. When I got home, I wrote up my application letter, and it felt pretty good. I'll be teaching next year no matter what, so I don't *need* this job, but it would be nice. I guess I'll just see what happens.

Then I had a bigger project to cook dinner than I realized and had to spend a lot of time cleaning up. So I wanted to get way more done than I did, but I'll have time for those things during the week. I'm behind what I hoped for but not actually behind.

Had some difficult emotions this morning, anxiety/frustration that I couldn't place, but they wore off as the day went on. Good reminder that my feelings aren't always a reflection of anything that's actually going on.

Let's go see what tomorrow brings!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #926 on: February 16, 2020, 08:27:46 AM »
Sounds like a decent day, even if it started a little anxious. I can definitely relate to working hard on something then once I stop worrying about it a solution can come up, or later the work is easier to get done. I think sometimes we forget that some of the anxiety may just be withdrawal on the reboot, I have been having it every single day, seemingly for no reason. I read somewhere that entire stress system/ response is thrown off by addiction and is adapting during recovery. So, just something to keep in mind. We probably want to put in effort to improve anxiety worry less etc. but it's nice to remember just by putting the addiction further and further in the review mirror, more and more fully will help

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #927 on: February 16, 2020, 08:37:03 PM »
That's a really good insight about the stress system/addiction. That could definitely be part of it. I feel like I get less non-specific anxiety, but it still comes around from time to time. Maybe it's all just a part of the same process.

Pretty good day

(maybe) the last time I talk about Ph: I found out through the grapevine that the guy she was with the other day was just some random guy from a dating app, but my reaction today was better than I expected it to be. I just sort of found it funny (who knows why internal laughter was my first response). But it sort of solidified in my head that I deserve more respect than that. Something happened when I heard that that was who that guy was: I just sort of let go of her completely and said, no hard feelings, but I'm worth more than that. Feeling disrespected is not part of the price of a relationship. And that was it. I just feel unusually at peace about the whole thing, which is good.

Anticlimactic story: There was a new girl at church today. I went out of my way to say hi and to introduce myself, just because I wanted to practice stepping out of my shell. We talked a little bit, not much of anything there (she seemed a little stand-offish and I was a little put off), but it was good to be a little more outgoing.

After that, I came home and took it easy. Did some cleaning, some cooking, some emailing. Quiet, pretty relaxing day. Semi-busy week ahead, but I think it should be good overall.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #928 on: February 17, 2020, 06:02:00 PM »
An okay day, with some bad mood thrown in

I'm not 100% sure why I was having a hard time staying in good spirits today. I know one contributing factor was that my supervisor called me in for a meeting today. I don't usually have to go to campus on Mondays, so I stay home and get other things done (like homework). I feel like it's a particularly busy week, so it would have been good to have the time to get things done, but I went in for the meeting this afternoon (and lost the travel time).

Then when I got to the meeting, I talked to my supervisor a little and then he realized that we couldn't do what he wanted us to do. Long story short, it was a wasted trip.

Weirdly, I felt worse leading up to the meeting than leaving it. Can't really explain that, but I guess the anticipation of being there was worse than having it all be for nothing, which doesn't make sense but maybe tells me something about how my mind works.

Oh well. It kind of goes without saying, but it wasn't a very productive day. I really hoped to get a lot done, but I ended up getting basically nothing done. A disappointment, but I did what I could given the circumstances.

On to a new day!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #929 on: February 18, 2020, 08:49:54 AM »
Man! I swear I responded to your last post.... I wrote out a reply, internet issues I guess. Sounds like you can do a lot heytee then PH, shows it takes some time ti really know a person. Thats why our lives come first!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #930 on: February 19, 2020, 09:12:18 PM »
Yeah, for sure! Thanks for the input, quit. Sorry about your internet issues!

Still doing pretty good

I have been feeling lately like I just don't have time for the things I want to do. Like I get to the end of the day having barely done the things that I absolutely have to do but not really myself forward in life the way I want. So I have been on a couple day project of trying to figure out where I'm putting my time. I printed out a blank weekly schedule, put in all the things I have like class and work, put in eating and meditating and working out etc., all in an effort to figure out how much flexible time I actually have each day to try to have more control over where my time is going.

I'm also trying to be more deliberate about planning each day, setting realistic goals and to-dos and working out a feasible schedule. Working out a new system takes time, but yesterday and today have been maybe a little more productive and a little less draining, so that's a good start.

My mood has been better, too, so I can't complain about that either.

I have caught a couple porn thoughts, mostly in the mornings and nights. Nothing too crazy, but I am trying to be careful and purposeful in how I deal with them. Thoughts can turn to fantasies and then into cravings pretty quick if I'm not careful.


quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #931 on: February 20, 2020, 05:26:10 PM »
For sure about being vigilant on the thoughts and aware of where they can lead.

Great about the good mood!

Priorities is helpful for sure, but yeah sometimes we are just pretty darn busy.

Funny I just started reading a book about EXACTLY what you are talking about called "First Things First" I am right in the beggining and he starts his books of with quote from people talking about their issues with time and how to fit in whats important, what you wrote looks like it could have come right out of the book lol. Not sure how good it'll be but I expect good things it's by Stephen Covery, the guy who wrote the 7 habits of highly effective people (truly great book).

Stay vigilant, glad to hear about the good mood! Even if you feel like your not getting done all that you want, seems you are at least going in the right direction, toward porn free, getting your degree etc.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #932 on: February 20, 2020, 09:22:22 PM »
Thanks, quit! Yeah, I'm definitely making progress, but I feel like it's usually "first things last," so I'm working on re-prioritizing so I don't always leave the things I care about most behind just because they don't have a strict deadline. I haven't heard of that book, but I might have to check it out. Let me know how it goes!

Good, busy day

A lot happened today, but I also got some good things done. I checked off a couple of personal to-dos and even got some schoolwork done. These last few days I have been more deliberate about what I do (less time wasting and clearer, more manageable to-dos), and they've been more productive. Not so much in the sense that I'm getting more things done but that I'm feeling more satisfied about what I'm getting done. I'm not just meeting deadlines, I'm also making more space for the things that actually matter to me.

I was talking to my teacher friend from church today, and we got to talking about how we're both working on seeing life as basically good and positive. He looked at me and said, "Nothing against you from two months ago, but you've changed." I really feel like I'm trying to change, not that I have changed, but it felt good. It was a sort of confirmation that the internal work I've hit hard this new year (building a better relationship with myself, changing how I look at life, dismantling limiting beliefs) is paying off and that it's making a difference beyond just how I feel. More than taking his comment as a sign that I've arrived, I took it as a sign that I'm on the right track and making progress. And that feels good.

You can still get tired when you're being optimistic, though (maybe even more tired when you're still working at it). I'm looking forward to getting through tomorrow and having a little more down time this weekend. (Time for nap!)

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #933 on: February 20, 2020, 11:09:14 PM »
Wow that is awesome, that your friend is able to see your progress! It can't get more certain than that, you are making progress! Sounds like things are on the right track, keep it up!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #934 on: February 21, 2020, 12:15:30 PM »
Good stuff blue!  That book sounds interesting.  Today's a new day man, that's a beautiful thing.  I've been thinking about designing my environment for success and making positive cues more obvious.  That's for making me think of it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #935 on: February 21, 2020, 07:43:47 PM »
Wow that is awesome, that your friend is able to see your progress! It can't get more certain than that, you are making progress! Sounds like things are on the right track, keep it up!

Thanks! I always appreciate the votes of confidence!

Good stuff blue!  That book sounds interesting.  Today's a new day man, that's a beautiful thing.  I've been thinking about designing my environment for success and making positive cues more obvious.  That's for making me think of it.

We always get a new day for free, and that's an awesome thing. No need to ruin with yesterday. I'm glad you're thinking about your environment. It makes a big difference for me. Just tidying up can turn my whole mood around.

Another busy day

I'm taking a class that is pretty difficult, but I posted something on our online discussion board last night. Today, my professor came up at the beginning of class and said she liked what I wrote and that she was going to try to think of other things I could read because we aren't going to cover the things I mentioned directly in class. It was a good confidence boost because I have felt sort of clueless the whole time, but it just turns out I'm interested in slightly different things. So I'm not clueless, just distracted I guess, lol. Anyway, it was encouraging to hear my professor reaffirm what I was thinking and say she wanted to help me pursue the ideas I was thinking about.

I finished and submitted the application for the summer program at my old university. It would be really cool to get in. I've done all I can do, though, so I'm just going to surrender it to the universe and stay optimistic. Whatever is best will happen.

Then I came home and lost a lot of steam. I have a weak sort of headache, and my stomach hasn't been right for the last couple of days. So I had some dinner, watched a show, and just sort of slacked off. Not a huge problem since it's Friday, but I do have a lot of work to do tomorrow, so there's a part of me that's getting on my case for not getting a jump on it now. I'm sure I'll do much better with some sleep and a fresh start. Not going to worry too much about it.

So, all in all, pretty good day to cap off a pretty decent week. Onward and upward!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #936 on: February 25, 2020, 02:34:23 PM »
Sounds like some great stuff happens! Very cool that the professor liked what you wrote, sounds like you are engaged. Hope these last 4 or 5 days have been good for you.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #937 on: February 26, 2020, 08:57:21 PM »
Thanks, quit!

Yeah, things are going pretty good. I guess the site was down the last couple days or something. It wouldn't load for me, but it did today!

I don't really have much news anyway, though. Just a pretty normal week. Working out a new system for daily goals and planning, and it seems like it's going well. I'm making progress in better ways, I think.

Today was pretty chill, too. Went to class, did some work, met a friend.

Here's to whatever's up next!

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #938 on: February 26, 2020, 09:15:01 PM »
That is great! A system for goals rocks, more mind meld! Just yestarday I made up a little notebook to track what I have done to work on my goals each day

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #939 on: February 26, 2020, 11:58:44 PM »
nice work blue keep it up!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #940 on: February 27, 2020, 08:21:38 PM »
That is great! A system for goals rocks, more mind meld! Just yestarday I made up a little notebook to track what I have done to work on my goals each day

That's awesome! I take the mind meld as a sign that I'm doing the right thing, lol. Yeah, it has been really helpful to be more deliberate and realistic about what I can and can't do in a day. Instead of just waking up and seeing what happens, having a plan with some manageable goals each day has helped me be more productive this past week than I have been lately, and that makes me feel better.

nice work blue keep it up!

Thanks! I will!

Good day

More homework and school and stuff. It was a busier day, so I didn't have as many goals for the day, but I did accomplish what I wanted to. One thing that's good about setting even conservative goals is that I don't have to feel bad tonight that I didn't do more. I did everything I set out to do and needed to do. Whether or not I could have done more, I did enough, and that feels pretty satisfying.

I have sort of lost track of time (it's hard to tell sometimes what was yesterday and what was this morning), but I will say that I have hit some pretty strong fantasies in the mornings, especially when I'm meditating, but also here and there to a lesser extent during the day. I don't know what that's all about, but I guess it's good that it's happening when I'm already tuned into not getting caught up in thought. Still, something to be careful about: fantasies lead to cravings lead to relapse.

Something to look out for. Here's to a good Friday and a well-earned weekend!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #941 on: February 28, 2020, 07:56:35 PM »
Kind of a frustrating day today, just an accumulation of irritating things at school and work. Lately, I've been wondering if I'm really headed in the right direction career-wise. I've been pretty sure of it for a long time, but the closer I get, the less attractive it all looks. I guess I have some soul-searching to do (what else is new?). I guess the first thing to figure out is if I'm really learning that I want to do something different with my life or if I'm just reacting to temporary problems. I don't think I can answer that right now.

When I was walking back from school today, my brain was like, "Who cares, man, just relapse." Hold on there, just because I'm not sure about the future doesn't mean it isn't still worth living for. Not today!

Riding the ups and downs. Hopefully things look better tomorrow. If nothing else, it's a day off of school.

Onward and upward!

Jeks

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #942 on: February 29, 2020, 02:33:42 AM »
I also would recommend you to keep going for now. When we are excited for something, we do easily forget, that there  is still work involved. When we bump into bigger difficulties our mind tends to overreact i feel like. Nonetheless keep observing yourself and keep thinking about this topic. Watch out that you dont pressure yourself too much. Its the number one trigger for me personally.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #943 on: March 01, 2020, 08:34:58 PM »
Thanks, Jeks, for your thoughtful response. You're right about what you're saying. I guess as I do more of this work, I'm just not sure it's the kind of work I want to do for the rest of my life. But I'm not making any decisions right now: I don't think my current situation is a fair reflection of what this line of work will ultimately end up being. But it has got me thinking.

The bad news
Yesterday, Saturday, swallowed me whole. I let my bad feelings have their way, and I made some bad decision that led to unfortunate mistakes. "Relapse" is probably the most honest word I can use even if wasn't "as bad" (whatever that really means) as relapses from the past. Definitely not a good day.

The good news
Today has been 100% the opposite, though. That's not to say that there haven't been urges/aftershocks, but I'm ending this day feeling much more stable and secure.

I mentioned a while ago that I wanted to make surrendering to a higher power a bigger priority for my recovery, but I haven't done much with that since mentioning it. But, after yesterday, I have come to a sort of realization: in a one-on-one matchup between me and porn, I lose every time. I might stall it out for a while, but I just can't win. It's bigger than me. Stronger.

That's not to say that I'm doomed. It just means that I want to quit fighting this fight on my own. It's exhausting, and it's a losing battle. I've been hearing a lot about the concept of "surrender" lately, and that's where I think I am. God, Source, the universe, whatever you call it, I feel like there's something out there that's bigger than me and bigger than porn--and it's fighting on my side, or it would if I let it. I'm not here to tell anyone else what they should be doing, but I happen to believe in a God whose whole job is to help me be happy and free from things like addiction to porn. But I haven't been treating him that way. I've been acting like I have to do this whole thing by myself, but I just don't have to. What if I let him do his job, lol?

Anyway, today was day 1 of trying to practice surrender and just put this mess on a higher power (I haven't really done the 12-step thing, but I know this is a part of that, but I'm getting sidetracked). I went to church feeling really nervous, guilty, shaky, but I just tried to give it all up, surrender. And it was surprising, but all of that pressure just got swept away. Just gone. Little waves of negative feelings have come and gone through the day, but nothing like what I started the day with.

So I came home and, instead of spending the day watching videos or doing other things I usually do, I just the spent the day doing quieter things. I did my weekly goalsetting/planning, and, in addition to writing down the things I need to do, I also planned in some things that might help me to feel closer to my higher power. I reorganized some apps and settings on my devices, just to change my digital environment (and counteract some unhelpful muscle memory). I wrote more honestly in my recovery journal. There's obviously a lot of work to do still, but the burden's not all on me.

I realized this morning that it has been about 10 years, give or take a month or two, since I first asked another person for help with this addiction. I had been PMOing almost daily (if not more) through high school, but it lost some of its grip when I started college. That was when I first actually tried to quit. It's been a long decade, for sure, but I am definitely in a better place than I was, and I can only imagine how much better of a place I'll be in in 10 more years.

I've written a lot, and it's mostly just for me to think through what has been in my head for the last 24 hours. I'm obviously not trying to tell anyone to believe what I believe or anything like that. But I will say that, for the last 10 years, recovery has felt like a job or a chore or an impossible task. After one day of deciding to give it all up to a higher power, I feel determined like before but also hopeful in a way I haven't before. If absolutely nothing else comes from having an attitude of surrender, I'm feeling better than before, and that can only be a good thing.

So away we go, no longer fighting this thing alone.

quitforeverthenwin2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #944 on: March 02, 2020, 01:45:41 AM »
Damn bro, sorry to hear about the relapse but I have to laugh a little at the ridiculous irony/power of our mind meld! Just updated my journal then went in to support you and did not expect this. I could have flirted with calling my previous days "grey area" but Saturday was my real relapse day too! I am kind of shocked. We both had 100+ days in terms of not full blown relapse with MO.

The interesting thing is our approach that we want to go in moving forward seems to be pretty much the opposite. So I have lots of experience with 12 step, in 12 step speak all my ideas about changing what I did and seeing a pattern in relapse are me "rationalizing" and are all part of the addiction, which I am powerless to. So it's really a pretty big difference in way of looking at things. At least that is what I was thoroughly taught in my local 12 step groups.

But hey at the end of the day all that matters is success! If 12 step works for you then that is awesome. Especially given that you already have faith it could work and be a good fit. I know that Russel Brand has a book about 12 step, and even for me, not a fan of the program I found some good knowledge in the AA book. That's the basis for the 12 step program and more in depth then the SAA (sex addicts anonymous) book. Also don't get me wrong, just because 12 step I don't consider the program for me it is full of a lot of  great people.

I totally relate to fighting this feeling like a job, and though in different ways, I think we both want to move away from that.

I know 12 step a huge part of it is about "not going it alone" which I know you can relate to, so if 12 step is the way you want to go, there are most definitely meetings you can go to as well as online meetings you can go to. In general I think that moving more toward a real support group that has  a proven system that works is a great idea for both of us. I am moving more into using SMART recovery's systems, and taking the advice of someone with loads of success there and perhaps you want to move into 12 step.

I had been thinking this for awhile, not to knock on the forums but there is no real system in place to follow that is consistent. Whereas for me SMART has that, a science based system with 1000s of people having success with it. And 12 step perhaps is that group and system for you, a faith based system also with 1000s maybe 10s of 1000s of people having success with it, if we count all the 12 step groups actually it could be millions.

Well man, cheers to some changes in our recovery and building on it in whatever way works best for us as well as building up our lives!

Jeks

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #945 on: March 02, 2020, 03:10:51 PM »
Hey blue, whatever helps you, helps you.
Keep thinking about why this addiction has to vanish of your life. Programm them into your mind. Stand up again. It will end.

wecandoit

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #946 on: March 02, 2020, 03:42:57 PM »
One relapse is not going to delete a year without porn (or how long you have). Make sure you don't fall back into the old porn routine and you should be good to keep going.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #947 on: March 02, 2020, 08:31:34 PM »
Well man, cheers to some changes in our recovery and building on it in whatever way works best for us as well as building up our lives!

Thanks, quit! This mind meld is a tricky thing, lol. I appreciate your insights! I'm not really all that invested in 12 step as a program, but the idea of surrender has definitely been popping up all over lately. I'm not totally sure that it means doing a whole different, but it does seem like an attitude change if nothing else. I'll keep doing my best, but I'm going to take the pressure off myself for the results (because it seems like that pressure is what makes the addiction so interesting). It's all experimentation, I guess.

Hey blue, whatever helps you, helps you.
Keep thinking about why this addiction has to vanish of your life. Programm them into your mind. Stand up again. It will end.

Thanks, Jeks! I'm definitely thinking through not only giving up the addiction but the feelings/thoughts that make me need my addiction. I'm definitely getting back on my feet and carrying on. Thanks for the support!

One relapse is not going to delete a year without porn (or how long you have). Make sure you don't fall back into the old porn routine and you should be good to keep going.

Thanks, man! You're right. It's easy to feel like one mistake ruins the whole thing, but it doesn't as long as it doesn't become a habit again. It's the habits that count, not the individual actions. And that's a good reminder.

An okay day
Mostly house chores and homework today. I postponed a couple things for tomorrow, but I ended up getting a lot done and having a pretty productive day. To be fair, I do feel like I could have scheduled in a few more minutes of rest, though. There's more to life than getting things done, and I'm feeling pretty worn out. But a decent day on the whole. A few ghostly urges here and there, but nothing that stuck around.

I don't usually think dreams really mean anything, but I had a crazy one last night that I've been thinking about all day. I was sitting on some tiny ledge near the top of a skyscraper, trying so hard to hold still so I wouldn't slip off. I kept slipping, though, but I was too scared to move and get in a more secure position because I thought any movement would make me fall. So I just kept getting closer and closer to falling off while at the same time being too paralyzed to counteract the slipping. Right when I was about to fall I woke up, still in the dream, in some kind of huge bed in a beach house. There was like an ocean breeze coming through the window and I could hear my family in the other room. Then I woke up for real.

It's got me thinking. How much of the time do I feel like I'm on some tiny ledge, hanging on for dear life, when I'm actually somewhere safe and pleasant? I know I spend a lot of time thinking I'm moments away from disaster, but I also haven't really had any disasters in the last few years. Sure, bad things happen, but never anything as bad as I worry about. What if I lived with the attitude of being in a pleasant beach house instead of being on a tiny ledge? What if I just relaxed a little?

So I guess that's the goal. Live a beach vacation life and not an imminent death kind of life. Sounds pretty nice, lol.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #948 on: March 03, 2020, 01:35:52 PM »
Sorry to hear about your relapse. It's true that we must surrender to the divine power, however we understand it/him.

How to do this is the true question. To live in surrender for me, means to live without ego. Ego, for me, means this 'I' that we call 'myself'. But what is this 'I', truly? You may answer, 'well it is me, obviously!', but that would be missing the point.

When I look for the 'I', whose name is Non-Dual Adventurer, where exactly is he located? He isn't located anywhere. What is Non-Dual Adventurer? He is a series of concepts that have built up over the years. A name was given to him when he was born (Non-Dual Adventurer is a catchy boys' name, huh?), and he carried that name with him through the years. Other concepts built up around this name, and I thought things like 'I, Non-Dual Adventurer, am kind', or 'I, Non-Dual Adventurer, have shitty friends'. Both these statements, positive and negative, refer to the 'I', but the 'I' it is referring to is actually referring to a series of concepts which is known as 'the ego' for the purposes of this argument. The only 'trouble' with that is (if you can really call it trouble), is that the we already established that when we talk about 'I', we don't really know what it means, and so begins the paradox. We think we know who we are and refer to ourselves as a person, but what is a person beyond a series of concepts? At the end of the day, these are all just concepts, are they not?

Which leads me on to my next point:

If all of these concepts are perceivable, i.e. the concept of BlueHeronFan, his life, and his personality, (you're aware of this, no?), then by whom are they perceived? Is something aware of the concept of BlueHeronFan? If something is aware of, or perceives the concept of BlueHeronFan, then can that perceiver be BlueHeronFan? Is the awareness not something much deeper than a concept? And isn't that awareness fully you?

Which leads me on to my next two questions:

Who is the perceiver of the ego?

And if the ego can be perceived by a deeper awareness within yourself, then is it ultimately real?

The ego is an entity that has been dreamt up through our collective thinking. We are all able to access a deeper awareness in ourselves that is before our ego and beyond our thinking mind. It just takes practice. In Advaita Vedanta (a branch of Hinduism), this awareness is God.

This practice of awareness of yourself as awareness itself, applies to every single aspect of your life.

'Live as if you have no rights', a sage once told me. What did he mean by this? Did he mean that I must simply become subservient and let everyone walk all over me? No. Did he mean that I must never stick up for myself if somebody is being nasty to me or somebody else? No.

He meant I must live as if I have no entitlements. Live as if nothing, not even this body belongs to you - as if you have it on loan from God (the divine awareness), and so you take care of it. Whatever you believe about an afterlife, you know that you only wear this body for a limited time and then you die. Don't take anything for granted - not this life, not this body, not even your next breath. Don't take for granted or try to control too much the people in your life,  the roof that keeps you from the elements, not your studies nor your life's journey. To surrender, you need to give this to God. You need to see the miracle that is your life and your being here in this body. If planning needs to be done, it is God's planning, happening through you. There has never been a time where the Universal Consciousnes (Life/the Universe/whatever you want to call it) has never had your back, even in times when you didn't feel like it. Also, if you must pray,  don't pray for God to remove the rubbish bits, don't say to God 'Please, Lord, rid me of this addiction', he doesn't want your rubbish. If you want to surrender, give it all to God. Give everything to him - your body, your voice, your breath, all that you own and possess.

After all, it is all just on loan anyway.

Not all of what I say may make sense now, but mull it over and come back to it when you need.

To summarise, I leave you with this, the peace prayer of St. Francis of Assissi. To me, it also talks about ultimate surrender:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
 
« Last Edit: March 03, 2020, 01:46:09 PM by Non-Dual Adventurer »

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #949 on: March 05, 2020, 08:10:18 PM »
Non-Dual Adventurer, thank you so very much for your thoughts. A lot of what you wrote is resonating strongly. The relationship between perceiver and ego makes a lot of sense (and resonates with a philosophy class that's kicking my butt right now, lol). But that paragraph about living without entitlements is getting printed out and hung beside my desk. I want to mull it more, and it feels right and it feels important, but I don't totally understand it yet. I'm grateful for your insight. I also really appreciate the peace prayer. That text has been important to me for a while, but just now it is taking on new significance as a guide to surrender.

This understanding of surrender feels so very important right now, and it's also very new. I find myself praying, "Tell me what to do to surrender better," as if I still want to be the one in control of and responsible for surrender. Kind of not the point, lol. But I think you're right. It's not just surrendering this dark corner of my life. It's surrendering everything. It's giving up the idea that it's all on me, as if I were that powerful. Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts.

Pretty okay couple of days

In general, I'm feeling pretty good. I think, overall, this inkling of surrender and turning toward a higher power is giving me a firmer foundation for emotional well-being. The last couple weeks, I was talking myself into a better mood, but it felt like a tightrope act. Relaxing into something bigger than myself makes my mood feel more stable and safe.

I've been making progress in school. I have big exams in the fall, so I have to get a committee and documents and things taken care. I got all my committee members on board (so that's a big relief), and I'm on track for the documents. I also have a week off next week, which I definitely could use to do some catching up. Even better, my class tomorrow is canceled, so it's just a few hours of work and then a good long break.

I sent messages to a couple old teachers today, just asking for some life advice. They have been in a similar situation to the one I'm in before, so I just thought I'd ask. Haven't heard back, but it just felt good to make a move out of my own head and to ask for some help. I always resist asking for help.

A few strong urges randomly through the day today. Strong in a different way than I'm used to. Not just a feeling of wanting, but like a specific image, a specific plan. Not an urge like "porn would be nice" but an urge like, "this porn right now." Probably, hopefully, just a holdover from a bad weekend. I held onto some of the urges longer than I would have liked, but I've just been catching myself and letting them go, surrendering them. I was partly amazed that I managed to leave the house this morning without getting into trouble, and I'm grateful that I'm not feeling anything too strong now. I think I'll just take it as a gift and get myself to bed early.