Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 10651 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #75 on: February 10, 2019, 08:18:08 PM »
Today was a quieter day. I had an intense conversation with a friend about some conflict that we've been having. The only thing I wanted to do was run away, but we got it done and worked some things out, so I think things will be better moving forward.

I've also had a couple of dreams lately about relapsing. More specifically, I've dreamed that I watched porn and then felt terrible and was trying to figure out what I was going to do next. I was very relieved in the morning to wake up those days and realize it was only a dream. So I guess, on some level, my subconscious is also getting on board with this process.

Let's see what this week will bring

blueRaccoon

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #76 on: February 11, 2019, 05:43:10 AM »
I have had similar dreams too. Wondering if it is common among rebooters? ???

Pete McVries

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #77 on: February 11, 2019, 06:01:50 AM »
It definitely is. Very often, I dream about PMO or masturbating.
Eight months clean and counting...

changemylife

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #78 on: February 11, 2019, 06:39:03 AM »
It definitely is. Very often, I dream about PMO or masturbating.
I had dreams about watching a P scene but not on computer, I was around, like looking at them in the room or something.

Rakses

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #79 on: February 11, 2019, 09:37:37 AM »
I also witness such a dreams sometime but I manage to hold myself away from temptation during a dream. Part of conciousness remains with me :)
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #80 on: February 11, 2019, 07:38:47 PM »
Yeah, it's weird. I've definitely had PMO related dreams, but the relapse-guilt ones are a new thing. They're not exactly pleasant, but I guess it's good to wake up feeling relieved instead of having cravings.

Oh well, today was also quiet. Just did homework all afternoon.

Kaingang

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #81 on: February 12, 2019, 08:36:35 AM »
I also usually have these dreams (nightmares) about relapses.

Good to know that your days have been quiet. I hope you've solved the issues with your friend. Dialogue is always the best solution. But we know that this is not always easy to do. Anyway dialogue and exposing what is bothering always ends up helping and causing a certain relief.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #82 on: February 12, 2019, 01:31:38 PM »
I actually had one not that long ago! I don't remember when though! It can be really disturbing when you wake up and you're like " Have I relapsed?" Then you realise it was just a dream!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #83 on: February 15, 2019, 09:27:09 PM »
It's been an exhausting week. Somehow it's Friday, but I never quite feel like I caught my balance. I took the afternoon easy and made some good progress on a couple personal goals. I put school on hold for the day, and I think that was a good call. Here's to rest and recovery, and probably a busy day again tomorrow.

But things are looking up. I'm in better headspace at the end of the week than I was at the beginning.

blueRaccoon

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #84 on: February 16, 2019, 05:58:14 AM »
It's a good idea to take a short break and get yourself balanced again when things just seem overwhelming. Happy to see that you progressed on your personal goals. Keep on progressing :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #85 on: February 17, 2019, 07:48:02 PM »
Thanks for validating my decision to slack off a little.

Yesterday was busy again, but today was another "day off." Hopefully this week is less crazy than last. I've noticed a couple more porn-oriented thoughts in the last couple of days. Not an emergency, but definitely something for me to be aware of. Those kinds of thoughts never go anywhere good if I let them have their way.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #86 on: February 17, 2019, 08:25:19 PM »
Thanks for validating my decision to slack off a little.

Yesterday was busy again, but today was another "day off." Hopefully this week is less crazy than last. I've noticed a couple more porn-oriented thoughts in the last couple of days. Not an emergency, but definitely something for me to be aware of. Those kinds of thoughts never go anywhere good if I let them have their way.

I notice that when I'm tired I have more of these. When I'm tired and have free time even more. Good thing to let them have their way my friend since I do that they don't become overwhelming anymore.

Stay strong my friend and take it easy. Some time of with friend can help too :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #87 on: February 18, 2019, 08:48:43 PM »
Thanks!

I definitely think I've been muscling through stress lately rather than actually taking care of it, and I don't think that's very healthy. I've been trying to slow down the last couple of days and take better care of myself. It's the start of another busy week,  but I had some more downtime today than I've been letting myself have. And I think that's a good thing.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

Kaingang

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #88 on: February 19, 2019, 06:18:41 AM »
It's always good when there are some breaks during the day to rest your head. after 2 to 3 hours of hard work it's good some short pauses and allow yourself to have a coffee, eat something healthy or do some stretching. take care and have a good week!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #89 on: February 24, 2019, 08:11:36 PM »
Thanks--

Things have been a little crazy, I guess. Was the last time I posted on the 17th? I guess so. I have a break from school coming up soon, so I think that that will help me to feel more caught up than I have lately.

I haven't had any PMO trouble this week, though, so that's good. Usually, it's one of the first things I'd turn to when things get stressful, so I'm glad to say that hasn't been the case this week.

Here's to another week!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #90 on: February 24, 2019, 08:17:36 PM »
Thanks--

Things have been a little crazy, I guess. Was the last time I posted on the 17th? I guess so. I have a break from school coming up soon, so I think that that will help me to feel more caught up than I have lately.

I haven't had any PMO trouble this week, though, so that's good. Usually, it's one of the first things I'd turn to when things get stressful, so I'm glad to say that hasn't been the case this week.

Here's to another week!
Awesome man! Keep going one day at a time! Plan some thing for that break that's coming up! It may help mitigate most risk of uncontrolled free time!

Stay strong brother!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #91 on: February 24, 2019, 08:21:51 PM »

Awesome man! Keep going one day at a time! Plan some thing for that break that's coming up! It may help mitigate most risk of uncontrolled free time!

Stay strong brother!
[/quote]

Oh, good call! Too much free time has definitely caused me trouble before. I wasn't even thinking about it this time around, but you're right--I can't just check out. Thanks!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #92 on: March 02, 2019, 09:33:09 PM »
I guess it's already been a week. So much for every day...

Things have been busy, late nights, hard work, hardly a minute to spare.

But I've been wobbly yesterday and today. I spent a little time looking up things I shouldn't have, scrolling through porn without really looking at it, wanting to but also knowing that I can't afford to. It's weird to me that this happens. Frustrating more than anything.

I don't really like talking about it, but I think, at some level, my own lack of success romantically is tied up in my porn problem. There's some part of my brain that points me to porn whenever I'm feeling frustrated about dating. As if porn could fill that gap somehow. Of course it can't--and I realize it every time I get close to it again. Those are not women I would be interested in if they were standing next to me. They don't have personalities as they're represented: I couldn't look them in the eye and have a conversation with them (not that the camera spends much time on their eyes anyway...) I'm not sure why it's so easy to forget that, so easy to think that looking this time will be anything other than a disappointment.

I didn't totally give in, but I didn't stay as strong as I'd hoped so I lost a lot of time today. Disappointed, frustrated. Down, but not out. Tomorrow is another day--and I'm going to look more seriously into the way I'm blocking websites: it clearly isn't as effective as I'd hoped. I also want to make sure that I check in here more frequently. It really does help when I can find my way here.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #93 on: March 03, 2019, 09:12:38 PM »
Man I can relate to that! My romantic life as been to level zero for the past couple of years and Porn was the vicious circle that kept me from leveling it up!!

You have to see dating as something you can't really have -> for now <- so you can focus on your recovery. As any addiction program you'll see amount the first rule is that your recovery is to be put first!! Nothing should come before, 'cause you're of no ones help in this state!!

As addict, we can't have a healthy relationship with a woman as our brain is polluted with porn and will only treat her as an object more than a person! It's only after a certain period where your brain start to reorganise that you may want to start engaging with woman again(romantically).

The frustration and disapointment come from this fact and it will help immensly to find something to direct all your energy toward until the pathways of addiction in your head grow weaker, subside and you can start dating again!

Just my thoughts on the subject! Stay strong brother, you can do it!!
« Last Edit: March 03, 2019, 09:15:07 PM by Rebooter2019 »

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #94 on: March 04, 2019, 08:25:32 PM »
True thoughts--thanks for sharing! It's definitely a frustrating thing because it's like a counterfeit of what I really want that also prevents me from finding the kind of relationship I hope for. Some days, I worry that having had a porn problem will always be a deal-breaker. I get at some level that that isn't probably true, but I sometimes wonder how I could ever even hope to establish a healthy relationship someday. (Or how anyone would be willing to take a risk on a person who's had the problem I've had.)

Oh well, that's a problem for another day. Speaking of frustrating, it's been a disappointing weekend. my addicted brain dragged me towards porn all night last night and for most of the day today. I didn't sleep, and I didn't accomplish as much today as I'd hoped. I just spent the time in a sort of fog looking up porn and and also trying to not look at it/pull myself away from it.

It's like a weird game where I try to get as close to porn (meaning explicit nudity and sexual acts) without actually getting there. I don't think the "less-hard" stuff is any better, but I really don't want to go back that to explicit stuff. Anyhow, needless to say, it's felt more like failure than success the last few days, but it seems like things have finally settled down and I'm closer to being in my right mind now.

I finally figured out today how to get OpenDNS running on my devices. I used to have it, and it was helpful, but my current modem is incompatible with it. But I learned it can be installed on a device-by-device basis instead, so things are locked down. I've really and truly decimated my access to anything even remotely pornographic today, which should be a step in the right direction.

I feel a little beaten down, but tomorrow is another day, and my internet is much more secure than it's been.

Pete McVries

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #95 on: March 04, 2019, 08:46:45 PM »
Good stuff! I'm excited to see if OpenDNS can help you becoming clean. I've considered setting it up, too but at the moment I don't need it. But it might be handy some time.
Eight months clean and counting...

Circle

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #96 on: March 05, 2019, 11:42:23 AM »
In most people's experience it seems like women are pretty understanding of the issue. I think lying to them about it would be worse.
Porn addiction/overconsumption is a health issue, not a moral issue. The fact that you have a problem and are taking steps to beat it is something to be proud of.
But I know the feeling as I have intense shame over the whole issue. But the women I have told have not been judgemental at all. In fact, some women (probably many) even find it attractive that you are pushing away the fakeness of porn so that you can connect better with them.

And fyi, your brain is definitely getting the high it wants from looking up porn and less-explicit images/stimulation. Good for you for locking it down.
I work on a computer and spend most of my free time on one as well - avoiding & supressing pmo thoughts is a full-time job when you have that much screen time. If you're not already, try to replace as much computer time as possible with physical activity and other things. I find the days that I get exercise make me feel much healthier and balanced mentally. Easier to ignore the porn thoughts

And more exercise= a healthier, more attractive you! Women like healthy, attractive guys ;)

True thoughts--thanks for sharing! It's definitely a frustrating thing because it's like a counterfeit of what I really want that also prevents me from finding the kind of relationship I hope for. Some days, I worry that having had a porn problem will always be a deal-breaker. I get at some level that that isn't probably true, but I sometimes wonder how I could ever even hope to establish a healthy relationship someday. (Or how anyone would be willing to take a risk on a person who's had the problem I've had.)

Oh well, that's a problem for another day. Speaking of frustrating, it's been a disappointing weekend. my addicted brain dragged me towards porn all night last night and for most of the day today. I didn't sleep, and I didn't accomplish as much today as I'd hoped. I just spent the time in a sort of fog looking up porn and and also trying to not look at it/pull myself away from it.

It's like a weird game where I try to get as close to porn (meaning explicit nudity and sexual acts) without actually getting there. I don't think the "less-hard" stuff is any better, but I really don't want to go back that to explicit stuff. Anyhow, needless to say, it's felt more like failure than success the last few days, but it seems like things have finally settled down and I'm closer to being in my right mind now.

I finally figured out today how to get OpenDNS running on my devices. I used to have it, and it was helpful, but my current modem is incompatible with it. But I learned it can be installed on a device-by-device basis instead, so things are locked down. I've really and truly decimated my access to anything even remotely pornographic today, which should be a step in the right direction.

I feel a little beaten down, but tomorrow is another day, and my internet is much more secure than it's been.

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #97 on: March 06, 2019, 09:54:11 AM »
@BlueHeronFan I'm always happy to share amd even more so when it help someone!!

Circle is 110% right, for the gym you'll learn to recognize your limit. Like right now I'm a state of overtraining, I know that because I've learn to see when my body is not at peak state! And since my training program is really good and my nutrition is in check the only thing left is recovery!

Plus it help in every aspect of your life, done correctly can bring discipline to it and maybe a purpose like in my case!

Stay strong everyone and be good!!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #98 on: March 06, 2019, 08:23:14 PM »
Thanks, Circle and Rebooter! I really appreciate your encouragement.

The shame is real, but I'm glad to know about your experience and the fact that people haven't rejected you for it.

I realized, somehow, that I had things set up wrong, so I tumbled into another hole today. I don't have a lot to say other than that I fixed the error, and it's actually set up correctly now.

I like the reminder to do physical activity more. With school and everything, I've been stuck at my desk even more than usual and my exercise habit has definitely not been as strong as it used to be.

I guess I've got a lot to figure out, but it's easier with your help! Till tomorrow!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #99 on: March 07, 2019, 08:45:49 PM »

And fyi, your brain is definitely getting the high it wants from looking up porn and less-explicit images/stimulation. Good for you for locking it down.


I've been thinking a lot today about this comment you made. You're exactly right. I've been so worried about not looking at actual pictures/videos of naked people (almost even congratulating myself for it) that I've totally been missing the fact that the less-explicit stuff still activates the same addiction pathways, reinforcing the problem even as I think it's getting better. I might not be looking at porn but I'm still looking at stuff that works like porn--and that's not going to help me get any better.

What a sneaky trick my brain has been playing. Thank you helping me realize it. Now I just need to figure out how to be more aware of the porn-like things that I've been relying on to get those little highs from time to time.

In other news, I made it through the day clean. A few sexual thoughts came and went, aftershocks from the earthquake of the last few days. I'm doing what I can to be compassionate with myself while also recognizing the need to continue changing. I feel better tonight than I might expect to, so that's something. Tomorrow is another new day.