Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 15101 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #625 on: October 19, 2019, 09:00:27 PM »
Thanks everyone!

The video project is slow going. It seems like there is always something more urgent to do, and I always stall out when it comes to editing. I'm still learning how to edit, so it's a slow process but I do like it. It's just one of those things that's hard to get started on because I know I need a good chunk of time to get anywhere. But I'll get there.

Your "worrying-about-the-future brain" also is something normal, thinking about the long term future should prevent us from making stupid mistakes in the present, otherwise we all were still watching porn every day  ;)

Really good point, lol. Thanks for reminder (and validation)!

I know that recently, I had exactly the same dream about trying not to look at porn. I woke up in panic thinking I was about to relapse and realized it was just a dream. The relief I felt when I realized it!!!

I know, I have this dream or a version of it all the time. I still hate them, but it is cool how they have slowly transformed from dreams about PMO to dreams about avoiding PMO. Even my subconscious is getting the memo, lol

Today was quiet (that's just how things are lately)

Just some quiet stuff around the house, groceries, cleaning, cooking.

My friend had told me to watch something on YouTube that he thought was funny, so I checked it out. It was funny, and I did like it, so I was watching other videos by the same people. But then, after a while, I started to realize that I wasn't watching for the humor anymore. I had started just watching for one of the women in the videos. It kind of slowly dawned on me, but I did catch myself. Once it started to be about just looking at her (and not even listening to the jokes) I decided it was time to quit, so I told YouTube to quit suggesting that channel and I went and did something else.

Another gentle reminder that an innocent thing can turn into a dangerous thing if we aren't careful. So stay alert, stay mindful, and stay strong!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #626 on: October 19, 2019, 09:15:18 PM »
I know, I have this dream or a version of it all the time. I still hate them, but it is cool how they have slowly transformed from dreams about PMO to dreams about avoiding PMO. Even my subconscious is getting the memo, lol

 Lol, that make me laugh, maybe I'm tired, but thanks :)

Editing is very time consuming, even more so when you start, but once you get used to it you're good for a speed improvement ;)

As for youtube, I actually catch myself do that on some occasion and stop myself from doing so... it's true that it is dangerous even if it doesn't look like it! Glad that you catch yourself before anything start to resurface!

Happy that you had a quiet day! Haven't had a lot recently, so I'm glad for you!

Take care Blue :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #627 on: October 20, 2019, 05:25:32 PM »
I know, I have this dream or a version of it all the time. I still hate them, but it is cool how they have slowly transformed from dreams about PMO to dreams about avoiding PMO. Even my subconscious is getting the memo, lol

 Lol, that make me laugh, maybe I'm tired, but thanks :)

Editing is very time consuming, even more so when you start, but once you get used to it you're good for a speed improvement ;)

As for youtube, I actually catch myself do that on some occasion and stop myself from doing so... it's true that it is dangerous even if it doesn't look like it! Glad that you catch yourself before anything start to resurface!

Happy that you had a quiet day! Haven't had a lot recently, so I'm glad for you!

Take care Blue :)

Thanks so much, man! I really appreciate it (especially the fact that editing will get faster as I get better at it. That's encouraging!)

Busyish Sunday (lots of church stuff)

I started the day with slightly higher anxiety than usual, not totally sure why. But then later in the day I ended up reading a couple articles about porn and dating and how women deal with men who are in various stages of pornography addiction. Even though the articles were encouraging and focused on healing and support, they still somehow shot my anxiety through the roof.

I can recognize that I have come a long way from the worst days of my addiction in high school and even a long way from where I was at the beginning of the year. More than ever before, I feel like I could have a reasonable shot at a healthy, porn-free relationship with someone. But I still worry about it being a permanent black mark on my record. I know that's not how it works with my brain. I know that there has got to be someone out there who is more interested in where I am now and where I'm going in the future, but it makes me worry that where I have been will speak too loudly. I think it's just fear, not realistic thinking. But it has grabbed and squeezed my heart all day, even at moments making me wonder if it's even worth going on that date this week (of course it is, and I'm definitely going).

So I don't know. It has been a day of unplanned introspection and retrospection. Worrying about these things isn't going to help. I just have to keep going forward, trusting that nothing that happened in the past has permanently ruined my chances for the kind of future I really want. The day will come when I have that talk with a significant other about my history of addiction, and I have some hope that it won't really matter to her that much. All I know is that I'm living now so that that conversation can be as hopeful and healing as possible rather than being a kind of shameful confession of my recent lapses, so that I can say, "Yeah, it's who I was, but it isn't me anymore."

Here's to a bright future, for all of us!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #628 on: October 20, 2019, 11:06:54 PM »
I can recognize that I have come a long way from the worst days of my addiction in high school and even a long way from where I was at the beginning of the year. More than ever before, I feel like I could have a reasonable shot at a healthy, porn-free relationship with someone. But I still worry about it being a permanent black mark on my record. I know that's not how it works with my brain. I know that there has got to be someone out there who is more interested in where I am now and where I'm going in the future, but it makes me worry that where I have been will speak too loudly. I think it's just fear, not realistic thinking. But it has grabbed and squeezed my heart all day, even at moments making me wonder if it's even worth going on that date this week (of course it is, and I'm definitely going).

Man, I know that feeling and to be honest I still have it, but I'm not as advance as you in my recovery! That squeezing sensation is there everytime that I think about that, even while writing these lines... it's subtle, but it's there!

I think, you have a good way to think about it(the last paragraph I mean)! I think you right as well. But I wanted you to know that you're not alone feeling like that! And as you said yourself that date is 100% worth it.

The moment about telling your SO won't arrive tomorrow, so don't stress about it too much. Don't forget that there's nothing to be ashame off. Anything can become an addiction! It happen that this one is really hard to beat once you're addict. That's all!

We can beat it, we're actually doing it right now, so it show that it's possible!

Stay strong, my friend we're with you :)

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #629 on: October 21, 2019, 02:19:18 PM »
In my opinion that's too much obsession about the topic, you're more than half a year porn free and voluntarily changing - just take a look at the partners section and the amount of girls who are in a relationship with porn addicts and desperately want their boyfriends to change. You're one of very few who realize their problem, try to change it and actually make progress. Everything's fine, you are more than ready and no girl will judge you for your past!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #630 on: October 21, 2019, 04:16:28 PM »
As someone who literally relapsed 3 times the day I met my now wife, I can say that love is just love, and it is obvious. Some kinds of love creep up on you and then become obvious, but whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with will respect and love you for who you are. Keeping on the straight and narrow enables you to give and receive love in an unhindered way, particularly in the bedroom. Don't fret about silly things like whether someone will understand. You will try your best to explain your situation and if she doesn't get it, fine. You need to love yourself first, my friend. You are a beautiful human being and any girl would be lucky to have you, and you need to find a way to believe this too, whether it's through positive self-affirmations in the mirror or certain kinds of meditation. You have been through a lot, and are humble enough to know that you are not invincible. That takes special strength of character.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #631 on: October 21, 2019, 09:42:11 PM »
Man, I know that feeling and to be honest I still have it, but I'm not as advance as you in my recovery! That squeezing sensation is there everytime that I think about that, even while writing these lines... it's subtle, but it's there!

I think, you have a good way to think about it(the last paragraph I mean)! I think you right as well. But I wanted you to know that you're not alone feeling like that! And as you said yourself that date is 100% worth it.

The moment about telling your SO won't arrive tomorrow, so don't stress about it too much. Don't forget that there's nothing to be ashame off. Anything can become an addiction! It happen that this one is really hard to beat once you're addict. That's all!

We can beat it, we're actually doing it right now, so it show that it's possible!

Stay strong, my friend we're with you :)

Thanks so much, man! Always good to know that I'm not alone. And you're right, it's not something that's coming tomorrow, but the things I was reading yesterday brought it to the surface. I'm feeling much better about things today, but it is always there just below the surface.

In my opinion that's too much obsession about the topic, you're more than half a year porn free and voluntarily changing - just take a look at the partners section and the amount of girls who are in a relationship with porn addicts and desperately want their boyfriends to change. You're one of very few who realize their problem, try to change it and actually make progress. Everything's fine, you are more than ready and no girl will judge you for your past!

You know, you're right. I'm on the right path, and I appreciate the reminder. If my yesterday is going to a problem for someone, she doesn't need to be a part of my tomorrow. Everyone's got something they're dealing with. Thanks for the reinforcement!

As someone who literally relapsed 3 times the day I met my now wife, I can say that love is just love, and it is obvious. Some kinds of love creep up on you and then become obvious, but whoever you choose to spend the rest of your life with will respect and love you for who you are. Keeping on the straight and narrow enables you to give and receive love in an unhindered way, particularly in the bedroom. Don't fret about silly things like whether someone will understand. You will try your best to explain your situation and if she doesn't get it, fine. You need to love yourself first, my friend. You are a beautiful human being and any girl would be lucky to have you, and you need to find a way to believe this too, whether it's through positive self-affirmations in the mirror or certain kinds of meditation. You have been through a lot, and are humble enough to know that you are not invincible. That takes special strength of character.

You're exactly right. Part of my renewed commitment to recovery this year came from the realization that I have to be okay with me first and to love myself before I could be ready to let someone else love me. I wanted (and want) to learn to live a full and healthy life on my own first. I really appreciate your kind words (as always). I know I have a ways to go in terms of loving myself the way I should, but I can also honestly say that I have made great strides since this time last year. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've actually started to kind of like the guy I see in the mirror each day. This is the first time in my life when that's really been true. I recognize that I still have more progress that I want to make, but I don't see myself as a filthy loser anymore. I'm coming around to the idea that I'm a "beautiful human being," and I can only imagine that if my internet-stranger friends can see it, the people I interact with must see it to. At least I'm starting to.

Anyway, thank you all so much for your continuing and important support! The road of recovery is not a road to travel alone, and your responses are a constant affirmation of the decision I was terrified to make at the beginning of the year to post my story on the internet.

As for today

It has been really uneventful. A pretty normal day, feeling much better than yesterday. Like I said, the stuff I read yesterday brought a lot of insecurities to the surface, but they settled back down for today.

I went grocery shopping this weekend, but I still haven't had a chance to cook any of the food. It's been an unexpectedly busy few days, and it's not slowing down. I had a church thing until late tonight (I'm going to feel sleepy in the morning, but posting is important), and I'll be out all day tomorrow (work + date). Luckily, I had some foresight a while ago to make some extra burritos one week and put them in the freezer for emergencies. Those defrosted burritos are going to get me through this!

Onward and upward!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #632 on: October 21, 2019, 10:03:51 PM »
It has been really uneventful. A pretty normal day, feeling much better than yesterday. Like I said, the stuff I read yesterday brought a lot of insecurities to the surface, but they settled back down for today.

There's days like that don't stress about! You're good now and that why we write to you. To pull you back up when you need a little help! I've read something once and want to share it with you:

Self-esteem and confidence, contrary to popular belief are not fixed they move throughout the day. It's true that one can have a generally high degree of those, but a some point they can have a dip too. Nobody's perfect and it's what you do during that dip that matter the most. Do you sink or you get back up? That is the question.

Sound like you have a good plan for tomorrow, keep up the good work Blue :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #633 on: October 22, 2019, 08:17:59 PM »
Thanks, Rebooter! Like the title of my journal says, I realized that I wasn't going to figure this whole thing out if I kept trying to do it alone. You all remind pretty much every day that that was one of the most important decisions I could have made for my recovery. That's also a great quote, and I'm glad you shared it with me. It's easy to say that addiction recovery isn't linear, but it can be harder to remember that nothing else is linear either. Self-esteem comes and goes just like everything else.

Today, though!

Work was pretty boring and I woke up with a headache. But I went on a date this afternoon/evening, and it was, honestly, really pretty good. We went to the art museum, which gave us plenty to talk about (I can't remember now who suggested doing something like this, but I owe you a huge thanks!) There was one exhibit that had like get-to-know-you questions built into it, so we went through some of those. I'm really uncomfortable talking about myself in general, but I really tried to be more open, to stretch myself a little. It was kind of fun. Then we went to dinner and had kind of a deeper conversation than I'm used to on first dates, but it was also really positive and I did a much better job of talking about myself openly than I did at the museum. Then we went back, I said that it was a good time and I'd do it again, she gave me a hug, and we called it a night. All in all, I'd say a pretty successful outing.

But my brain was up to its old tricks as soon as I was driving back home alone. It was telling me all kinds of things about how it probably didn't go all that well and how she was probably just being polite and don't get your hopes up and maybe you'll get a second date but then she'll have to tell you to leave her alone and on and on. When I stop and really think about those thoughts, I can recognize them as false and unhelpful, but it's crazy how quickly and effortlessly they flooded into my head after I was back on my own. Just another part of this recovery process, learning to let those false, negative thoughts flow by without taking them to heart.

I know the truth is that it went well and that I'm pretty sure it went well from her perspective too. I have sort of been cautiously interested (not wanting to get carried away like I usually do), but I definitely like her more now than I did before, and I think that's what counts. We finally got some time to just talk and get better acquainted, and I had a fun and encouraging time doing it. And for today, that's more than enough.

Back to business as usual for tomorrow!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #634 on: October 22, 2019, 10:48:01 PM »
Sounds like a fucking fantastic date blue!!! My god look how far you've come man, it's awesome.  At the beginning of your journal you were like samson without hair and now you got those long long locks flowing like Niagra falls pumping that sweet hydroelectric power deep in your bones dude. 

Attitude's important, you are a smart, intelligent, compassionate person who will find a woman to bond with.  Don't listen to the negative thoughts man.  Remember the quote.  "Resistance is always lying and is always full of shit."

Keep up the good work and thank you for your comments in the community.  You make a difference.


Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #635 on: October 23, 2019, 11:21:55 AM »
Sounds like an awesome step, man! Your mind may be playing tricks on you but you are seeing right through it. I find it interesting that you said 'Just another part of this recovery process, learning to let those false, negative thoughts flow by without taking them to heart.' Sounds like learning to see past our minds and reach something even deeper within ourselves that is beyond thought. It's as if the chief addiction is our identity with and attachment to our thoughts, then on top of that come other addictions including P...

Great that you had such a good time on your date! Take it slow and see it all like a practice. It doesn't ultimately matter what happens with this girl, so you can just relax and enjoy it in your own time. If it doesn't work out, the next one will come along and you'll already feel more comfortable because you'll have had more experience dating.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #636 on: October 23, 2019, 07:02:00 PM »
Sounds like a fucking fantastic date blue!!! My god look how far you've come man, it's awesome.  At the beginning of your journal you were like samson without hair and now you got those long long locks flowing like Niagra falls pumping that sweet hydroelectric power deep in your bones dude. 

Attitude's important, you are a smart, intelligent, compassionate person who will find a woman to bond with.  Don't listen to the negative thoughts man.  Remember the quote.  "Resistance is always lying and is always full of shit."

Keep up the good work and thank you for your comments in the community.  You make a difference.

Thank you for your kind words, squid! They mean a lot. I like the idea of being full of hydroelectric power! A few negative thoughts came and went today, but they weren't as convincing. I've had a few thoughts want to jump too far ahead into the future, but I've mostly just been thinking over some ideas about what we might do for date #2. Really liking Non-Dual Adventurer's idea to see it as a practice and just take it all as it comes.

Sounds like an awesome step, man! Your mind may be playing tricks on you but you are seeing right through it. I find it interesting that you said 'Just another part of this recovery process, learning to let those false, negative thoughts flow by without taking them to heart.' Sounds like learning to see past our minds and reach something even deeper within ourselves that is beyond thought. It's as if the chief addiction is our identity with and attachment to our thoughts, then on top of that come other addictions including P...

Great that you had such a good time on your date! Take it slow and see it all like a practice. It doesn't ultimately matter what happens with this girl, so you can just relax and enjoy it in your own time. If it doesn't work out, the next one will come along and you'll already feel more comfortable because you'll have had more experience dating.

Thank you so much! I am definitely not in any kind of rush. I really just want to see where things go, and I kind of want to keep as much of the interactions in-person as possible. It's maybe kind of a weird thought, but I've been thinking about how I usually turn potential relationships into just text-messaging conversations. I think it's more comfortable for me: no eye contact, no awkward pauses, that sort of thing. In some ways, I think my natural reflex is to turn real relationships into virtual ones as much as possible, but I'm thinking of resisting that reflex this time around. Our schedules line up enough that we can have face-to-face interactions at least once or twice a week just sort of naturally. That's how people did things before phones were invented and people still managed to have relationships, so I don't think it will cause too much trouble. But we'll see what happens. For now, I'm thinking real, in-person stuff should be the main way to go.

I think you hit on something too about identifying with thoughts or even the role of our self-identity in recovery. I have definitely made better progress in addiction recovery this past year than ever before, but I have also changed a lot about myself in the same time. In some ways, I feel like a totally new person, or maybe a more refined person. It's not just me minus PMO. On some level, I think we have to be willing to change our whole selves if we want to make it out of addiction.

Day 230

I was a little nervous setting a 50 day mini-goal, but I'm over halfway through it and feeling pretty good. I don't think it's somewhere I could have started out, but it's a testament to how things seem to stabilize over time.

I remember listening to a presentation once where the speaker said that time is an essential ingredient in healing. Even if you do all the right things in the right order, a wound will still take time to heal. I'm definitely seeing how time is an important ingredient in healing from addiction: the further I get from my last relapse, the less interesting and controlling the triggers and urges get. They still come around from time to time, but they don't stick around like they used to, and they definitely don't raise my heart rate in the same way. Starting is the hardest part.

I guess I'm getting a little theoretical because not much happened today. Laundry, homework, cooking. Very exciting stuff. A normal day, I guess, but with a little extra satisfaction from the good memories from yesterday and the new glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don't know what's in the future, but there are a couple things to look forward to in the near future, and that feels like progress to me.

Keep on going, everyone! And thanks again for the kindness and support!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #637 on: October 24, 2019, 07:15:02 PM »
A quiet day today, just homework and school.

It has been a busy week, and I have missed out on some sleep. Feeling pretty tired and ready for a weekend. Just gotta make it through a busy Friday and I'm (hopefully) good to go!

One more day closer to that brilliant future!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #638 on: October 25, 2019, 12:18:08 PM »
I love to read your journal, man! It is inspiring to see how the recovery evolve and how you evolve on a day to day basis! As you keep going like that, you will have a brilliant futur indeed!

As for the date, I'm happy that it went well and that you don't attach yourself to the result right now! I is far too soon to know what will happen! That's what I think, but yeah it seems like you both had fun and that's a really good sign :)

Stay strong Blue, keep progressing ;)

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #639 on: October 25, 2019, 02:43:09 PM »
Awesome stuff! Keep going, Blue!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #640 on: October 25, 2019, 08:54:38 PM »
Thank you both for the encouragement!

Today was a busy and long day, but it was also decent. I haven't gotten to bed on time once this week, and I can feel a little bit of a cold or something coming on. I'm hoping I can get myself back on track for next week, and I think I will. I had a busy weekend last week, and it was hard to get back on the right foot for the rest of the week.

Just a quick post today. Today is 65 days of posting here, and I just wasn't ready to break that streak (but the thought did cross my mind just now).

Here's to a great weekend, everyone!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #641 on: October 26, 2019, 04:49:53 PM »
It can be hard to go to bed on time... I know that for a fact! Just do your best and you will get back on schedule don't worry :)

Why the thought of not posting cross your mind? Is it just fatigue or something else?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #642 on: October 26, 2019, 07:35:09 PM »
Thanks Rebooter! I think the thought of not posting was just the thought of trying to save a few minutes so I could get to bed sooner. One day won't make a difference, I thought, but then I realized that it would destroy a pretty good streak of posting and I didn't want to do that. Getting a long streak is never the point, but it can provide some motivation in a pinch.

Today

A quiet day, not much happened. Just more at-home work and chores.

I have been thinking a little bit about tomorrow: there's a really good chance that I'll see my date from Tuesday, and I have been thinking about what I'm going to say/do. For the most part, I'm just reminding myself that there's nothing to get too worked up about. All I have to do is be friendly and present myself for who I am, and I'm feeling pretty positive/confident for the most part. But there's always that other side of my mind trying to tell me that it's going to go terribly, that she'll avoid me or that I'll say something and ruin everything. That part of my mind is bumming me out, but I'm doing what I can not to listen to it. The fact of the matter is that I don't know how tomorrow will go or if we'll even see each other at all. I just need to be good with myself, and everything else will flow from that. If we have a good connection, great. If not, then I gain some experience and don't end up any worse off than I was before.

So here's to hoping for the best and not getting too worked up about the rest!

faenoe

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #643 on: October 27, 2019, 12:48:22 AM »
Hey Blue. Just hopped on after a stressful week myself. I have been on the low end of sleep too. It sucks! I should be able to get plenty of sleep tonight and tomorrow night since I got enough homework done this weekend. Anyways, just remember that human body is pretty resilient but you gotta find some time to take care of you. Don't burn both end of the candle for too long. Keep inspiring. Bless.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #644 on: October 27, 2019, 12:16:35 PM »
Have a great date blue :)  Just remember, dating and sex is about connection, it's not a performance, and you'll be okay.  You're a thoughtful intelligent guy and women can sense that.  Be yourself!  Let me know how it goes!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #645 on: October 27, 2019, 07:17:43 PM »
Hey Blue. Just hopped on after a stressful week myself. I have been on the low end of sleep too. It sucks! I should be able to get plenty of sleep tonight and tomorrow night since I got enough homework done this weekend. Anyways, just remember that human body is pretty resilient but you gotta find some time to take care of you. Don't burn both end of the candle for too long. Keep inspiring. Bless.

Thanks, man! These stressful weeks happen from time to time, and I really appreciate the reminder to slow down and take care of me. I think this week will be a little slower and I already have some of the week planned out more manageably, so I'm hoping to get back on my feet a little more securely. Starting with an early bedtime tonight, I think.

Have a great date blue :)  Just remember, dating and sex is about connection, it's not a performance, and you'll be okay.  You're a thoughtful intelligent guy and women can sense that.  Be yourself!  Let me know how it goes!

Thanks, squid! Man, I really like what you said about it not being a performance. I think I have really thought about it that way in the past, even subconsciously. On this last date I went on, though, I really tried to resist that tendency and just be my true self instead of my performance self. I think it was one of the best dates I've had, not because it was the most fun or exciting but because it was the most real. I don't have a second date planned yet, but I'm planning to plan one (lol). I'm thinking something low key, just another chance to talk and maybe connect more. Who knows? I'll just let my thoughtfulness and intelligence flow freely and see what happens, lol. (Thank you, by the way, for the encouraging compliment)

Today was decent

Not much happened, but I did have a cool experience. I was talking to a church leader, and we got to the topic of porn. In the past, talking with church leaders about porn has always meant asking for help. But this time, I just ended up talking about the things that have been helping me this year to do better than ever before. He said that he's trying to help a lot of people deal with porn addiction but he hasn't found a lot of good resources to help people, so I just shared what has been working for me. He took a lot of notes, and it just made me feel pretty good that I was contributing, even indirectly, to other people's recovery if he shares my advice with them. My biggest things were 1) understand the nature of addiction as a coping mechanism, 2) meditation, and 3) find a support network. I feel like really connecting with these three things has turned things around for me in a big way.

So I thought I might see the girl I went on a date with today, and I didn't. No big deal. There's a part of me that wants to get nervous about that, but I'm reminding that part of me that getting nervous doesn't really help anything. Like squid just said, all I have to do is be myself. That's really all I can do, and there's no use worrying about it if I'm just being my best self. That said, it is really hard to talk about her without a nickname, so I'm going to pick one today. A while ago we joked about calling her Phosphorus, and I don't think that's a great one, but how about Ph? I think it will make things easier, and it kind of makes me laugh. So, I went out with Ph last Tuesday, and it was good. I thought I might run into her today, but I didn't. That's fine, just gonna keep chugging long, being my best self and seeing if I can't make some good connection along the way.

Let's go have a great week, everyone!

brandnewself

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #646 on: October 27, 2019, 09:14:19 PM »
Not much happened, but I did have a cool experience. I was talking to a church leader, and we got to the topic of porn.
Lol at first glance I read "cheerleader". I was like oh that's really fun hahaha. It's great to know that you could offer your own experience to other people in real life and not just online. You're awesome Blue!

As for Ph, why not call her or send her a message like you did last time? If you had a good time last time, then she probably wants to see you again. So if you call her, it's actually doing her a favor and making her day better potentially.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #647 on: October 27, 2019, 11:15:15 PM »
That great you and Phos had a good date!  Was it a drink after work?  You know blue, the more I learn, the greatest obstacles are in our own heads and don't actually exist.  It's good to call them out like you have been. 

That's also cool how you are educating the church on how to help people with porn habits.  I left the church because it couldn't help me with my habit but it gave me so much guilt and shame for that habit, that it really hurt my young mind.  I thought I was alone and really bad inside like something was wrong with me for a long time as a kid.  What a terrible sin, to tell someone that they are doing something wrong and terrible and then have no useful help for them to change. 

At least in the secular world where they don't think it's a problem, there is no negative pressure to quit.  And letting go of that shame and guilt is very important for growing up and moving past porn usage. 

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #648 on: October 28, 2019, 08:59:58 PM »
Not much happened, but I did have a cool experience. I was talking to a church leader, and we got to the topic of porn.
Lol at first glance I read "cheerleader". I was like oh that's really fun hahaha. It's great to know that you could offer your own experience to other people in real life and not just online. You're awesome Blue!

As for Ph, why not call her or send her a message like you did last time? If you had a good time last time, then she probably wants to see you again. So if you call her, it's actually doing her a favor and making her day better potentially.

Thanks, man! I really appreciate it. Yeah, as for the calling/messaging, I did send a message. We both have pretty crazy schedules, so it's been slow progress on that front. But it's a good practice for getting out of my head: I'm the kind of person who thinks that any amount of time longer than six seconds between messages means that I messed up bad. Now, at the rate it's been the last two days, we might have a full conversation by the end of the week, lol.

There's a big part of me that wants to get very nervous and like I'm losing my opportunity, but that's just a part of me that likes to worry and isn't grounded in reality. I'm just trying to see it as an opportunity not to get too worried and to just accept things at the rate they're going. I mentioned it earlier too, but I also sort of feel like it's important to do as much of this in-person as possible. A message or call here or there is fine, but I also just have the feeling that it should be real (instead of technology filtered) as much as possible. I don't know, that might go out the window pretty quick. Long story short, it's all making me a little nervous, but I'm working on just accepting and working with those nerves. It's very clear that I haven't ruined anything (it's way too early for anything to be ruined anyway), so I'm just going to see what happens.

That great you and Phos had a good date!  Was it a drink after work?  You know blue, the more I learn, the greatest obstacles are in our own heads and don't actually exist.  It's good to call them out like you have been. 

That's also cool how you are educating the church on how to help people with porn habits.  I left the church because it couldn't help me with my habit but it gave me so much guilt and shame for that habit, that it really hurt my young mind.  I thought I was alone and really bad inside like something was wrong with me for a long time as a kid.  What a terrible sin, to tell someone that they are doing something wrong and terrible and then have no useful help for them to change. 

At least in the secular world where they don't think it's a problem, there is no negative pressure to quit.  And letting go of that shame and guilt is very important for growing up and moving past porn usage. 

Yeah, it was a good date. We went to a museum and had dinner, and it was pretty great. I'm thinking whatever's next will be lower key, just to try fit something into our busy schedules, and I'll think of something "bigger and fancier" for a little further down the road if things work out. Who knows?

And I get what you mean about how it can be hard to find a place in church and deal with an addiction that you aren't really getting help for. For me, my religion is really important to me, and this addiction has caused a lot of pain. There's the pain of addiction and then the pain of feeling like I'm always at odds with my beliefs because, despite my best efforts, I keep falling really short of what I know I should be like. I think, because my religion is important to me and to my expectations for relationships and marriage, that fuels a lot of my apprehension about talking about my past with a future significant other. I know exactly what she will probably have grown up hearing about porn and men with porn addictions and, even if I'm totally clean for a long time, I worry that it will be an automatic deal breaker (but then she's just not the right woman). On the other hand, the ideas that people can change and that yesterday doesn't have to hold tomorrow hostage are central to my faith, and they are some of the thoughts that are really keeping me going.

So much of my cycle of addiction has been fueled by a belief that there isn't really anything better ahead for me. Talking myself into better optimism has been a big thing for me lately.

Today

Was a long and busy day. Another late-to-bed day (like most Mondays, but still late even for a Monday). So just a quick update. Not much to say about the day, though. Pretty normal day of schoolwork.

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #649 on: October 29, 2019, 02:23:13 PM »
Keep killing it, Blue! Sounds like really positive stuff with Ph and also with the church leader.

RE: Religion. I guess no religion has a complete picture of everything, including addiction recovery. Whether we are religiously inclined or not, we can definitely always learn something from other modes of thought and belief. They (mostly) all have something to offer us, even if it's just to show us that that isn't the way we want to live. I used to be very secular in my beliefs (in fact I was an atheist), but that eventually didn't work for me. Atheism brings no joy. It paints a very bleak picture of our existence and gave me no motivation to recover, because what's the point if there's no purpose whatsoever? I do think there's something in that, because ultimately we are so small compared to the energy that is behind the functioning of the universe, but it's not a complete picture. We are ultimately always connected to that energy, since we are of it. When I began to get more into Eastern philosophy/spirituality, it just resonated with me in a momentous way. My spirituality helps me come to terms with the hand I've been dealt in life and gives me direction and purpose for my actions.

I don't know why I felt to say that, it was just in my heart to say.