Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 14603 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #600 on: October 11, 2019, 05:44:26 PM »
Thanks a bunch, squid! I really appreciate the support, especially after a day like yesterday.

The urges from yesterday were pretty much gone today, a good reminder that they always pass. I have also more or less managed to talk myself down from being disappointed in myself earlier this week. Roll with the punches and keep moving on.

Today was a pretty quiet day, actually. Just working on some things, catching up on email and stuff. Not much to report beyond the fact that the storm from yesterday seems to have passed.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #601 on: October 11, 2019, 06:04:34 PM »
That's good to hear.  I'm going to focus on breathing through the storms instead of MOing so frequently.  Just this past week a lot of storms for me too that I didn't experience during the reboot.  The tides are always changing.  Treat yourself to a weekend filled with activities you love, you're doing great dude. 

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #602 on: October 12, 2019, 02:58:21 PM »
Hey Blue,

Happy to hear you've successfully resisted all those urges you had yesterday. It help reminded all of us that even later in the process you still get these...

And don't worry for that girl you start to have a crush on. You start to get back in the "Game" so don't stress about it, you'll do well I'm sure! Give you some credit of having talked to her the first time and don't beat yourself to much when it's harder. The most important thing is to keep going forward.

Sorry for not participating on your topic as much, I try to avoid internet as much as I can :/

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #603 on: October 12, 2019, 06:06:53 PM »
That's good to hear.  I'm going to focus on breathing through the storms instead of MOing so frequently.  Just this past week a lot of storms for me too that I didn't experience during the reboot.  The tides are always changing.  Treat yourself to a weekend filled with activities you love, you're doing great dude.

The tides really are always changing, a good reminder that it really is just a day at a time. I definitely support breathing into it: just a little bit ago I read something that triggered me pretty hard, my body, thoughts and feelings were all alarm bells. So I just closed my eyes, listened to my breath, and focused on the sensations rather than the thoughts, and it all went away pretty quickly after that. It seems so simple, but it really works.

And thanks! I've been having a pretty good weekend so far, and I really appreciate the validation! As things get more stable, it gets harder to feel like I'm making progress. I guess if you make a graph of progress over time, it increases by less and less as time goes on. Slower progress isn't always a bad thing if it's just a product of how far you've come. I think I need to remember that more often.

Hey Blue,

Happy to hear you've successfully resisted all those urges you had yesterday. It help reminded all of us that even later in the process you still get these...

And don't worry for that girl you start to have a crush on. You start to get back in the "Game" so don't stress about it, you'll do well I'm sure! Give you some credit of having talked to her the first time and don't beat yourself to much when it's harder. The most important thing is to keep going forward.

Sorry for not participating on your topic as much, I try to avoid internet as much as I can :/

Thanks, Rebooter! I appreciate your support, especially about getting back in the "Game." I feel pretty positive about it now (after a few days), and I'm just open to seeing where things go from here. If it's all supposed to work out, it will. If not, then there's something better somewhere around the corner. You're right that the important thing is to just keep moving forward.

And don't ever feel like you need to apologize for not posting more! You need to do what's necessary to take care of yourself! I'm always happy to hear from you, but don't feel guilty on my account. Even an occasional post makes a big difference, so thanks!

Quiet day again today

Did some chores around the house and went to church thing in the afternoon. Mostly just took care of some to-dos to get ready for tomorrow and Monday. A couple urges here and there, but nothing too bad.

I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be a good day. I guess I'll just have to find out.

Have a good one, everyone!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #604 on: October 13, 2019, 06:42:35 AM »
Really great and helpful to see how after such a long time you're not just "cured" and stop caring, but still have to watch out and keep this a daily success. You're giving an example on how to take on this problem and I am learning a lot even from your quiet days. Sooner or later I always thought about going back to my "normal life", no matter how much I told myself to stay alert. Now your example shows how you managed this problem for over 200 days and despite a longer quiet time, there are still urges, there is still the danger of relapsing if not taking care of this process.

Just keep going as you always do! You can feel proud and happy about what you already reached now, this is a huge success and every situation of trouble you manage will help your brain to make the right decisions in the future!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #605 on: October 13, 2019, 09:28:37 AM »
Yeah, I know you're right. I think I was almost apologizing to myself for thinking it would be better to do it completely on my own. I had forgot how soothing it was to see other people struggleling, but making it through nonetheless. It was a constant living proof that everyone can succeed, if they put the strategy and the effort to do so.

Btw, I'm always happy to hear from you and see your success! Keep pushing man, you're doing great :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #606 on: October 13, 2019, 05:59:43 PM »
Really great and helpful to see how after such a long time you're not just "cured" and stop caring, but still have to watch out and keep this a daily success. You're giving an example on how to take on this problem and I am learning a lot even from your quiet days. Sooner or later I always thought about going back to my "normal life", no matter how much I told myself to stay alert. Now your example shows how you managed this problem for over 200 days and despite a longer quiet time, there are still urges, there is still the danger of relapsing if not taking care of this process.

Just keep going as you always do! You can feel proud and happy about what you already reached now, this is a huge success and every situation of trouble you manage will help your brain to make the right decisions in the future!

Thanks, achilles! I think giving up the idea of being "cured" has been one of this biggest changes for me this time around. In the past, I would think I was in the clear after a week or two without PMO. Then I got overconfident and went back to my old habits of thought and quickly relapsed again. Now, I'm realizing that there is no "cured," just a new way of life that accepts my addiction as something I always have to be aware of and work with. There's no feeling invincible this time around, and I think that has kept me going stronger than before. It's almost like I "respect" my addiction, knowing what it is capable of at any moment. If I play by the rules, we can coexist peacefully, but if I give it an opening, it will take over and tear me down.

Yeah, I know you're right. I think I was almost apologizing to myself for thinking it would be better to do it completely on my own. I had forgot how soothing it was to see other people struggleling, but making it through nonetheless. It was a constant living proof that everyone can succeed, if they put the strategy and the effort to do so.

Btw, I'm always happy to hear from you and see your success! Keep pushing man, you're doing great :)

It is kind of weird to me how relieving it has been to know that other people are struggling in the same way. Of course I'm sad that other people have to deal with it, but it helps so much to know that it's not just me. And you're right, anyone can succeed if they just stick to a good strategy at all costs.

Thank you so much for the encouragement and support! It keeps me going day by day!

Today was pretty chill

Not much happened, when to church and spent the rest of the afternoon cooking food for the week. Meditated for a little longer than usual. Quiet day, just building up some energy to go back to school and work tomorrow. I really liked having a few days off...wish there could be a few more...oh well, if only.

Urges/thoughts have been hitting me pretty consistently for the last few days right as I'm falling asleep. I don't know what it is about settling into bed at night lately that's setting me off, but I just do what I can to breathe past them and direct my thoughts elsewhere. Then, after a few minutes, I fall asleep, and things are generally much better in the morning. It has been weird, but it's predictable, at least, so I can take care of myself and not get caught off guard.

I guess that's it for today. Not a lot going on, which I really can't complain about. Let's go see what another week will bring!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #607 on: October 13, 2019, 06:52:08 PM »
It is kind of weird to me how relieving it has been to know that other people are struggling in the same way. Of course I'm sad that other people have to deal with it, but it helps so much to know that it's not just me. And you're right, anyone can succeed if they just stick to a good strategy at all costs.

I know what you mean and I feel the same way.

As for you're day it's good to have some of those calm ones from time to time. Since I'm on my second week of reboot, I try to avoid these as much as I can. I know they feel great when you're free of urges during the day and are free to relax.

As for your night, it's good that you see the pathern and that you're able to just breath these out. Happy that you had a relax day!
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 08:35:34 PM by Rebooter2019 »

Kush

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #608 on: October 14, 2019, 10:36:15 AM »
Sorry to jump in guys.. but one thing I believe which is helping me at night is keeping my phone and laptop in another room. This helps me to stay in control.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #609 on: October 14, 2019, 08:43:48 PM »
Thanks, Rebooter and Kush! I've definitely had success keeping devices far away at night. Lately, though, I've been playing around with an app that analyzes my sleep patterns, and that has also been weirdly protective: I don't want to mess up my sleep data, so relapsing isn't an option, lol. We all have to find what works for us, and I think it's generally good to err on the side of being too strict (no reason to take unnecessary risks).

As for today

I guess the biggest news is that I have a date on my calendar now. Because we both have complicated schedules, it isn't actually going to happen until next week, but it's all set.

I am about to say that I'm feeling kind of neutral about the whole thing, but I wonder if I'm just feeling normal. In the past, I would get suuuper worked up about calling girls and setting up dates and looking forward to them, but I wonder if that was partly because of the addiction-fueled emotional roller coaster that I was on.

I was still a little nervous about calling today (that seems natural), but I didn't just stare at my phone for a half hour before finally calling like I have in the past (more like three minutes, lol). Now, I'm glad that I have a date coming up, and I am genuinely looking forward to it, but I'm not riding any kind of crazy high like I might have used to. And I think that's a good thing probably. Instead of going all-in on a girl before the first date, I really feel like this is just a good chance to get to know someone and see what happens. I feel positive but also calm in a way I haven't before. Maybe I'm just tired because it's late. Or maybe something is changing about the way I process emotions.

Either way, I finally have something on the calendar. And that's a win that I will celebrate.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #610 on: October 15, 2019, 07:45:17 AM »
Well done sir!  Don't over think it, I'm happy you asked her out :).  How you have a great day!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #611 on: October 15, 2019, 10:58:22 AM »
That's so awesome Blue!! I think it's a good step in the right direction. No matter if it work or doesn't, the matter of fact is that you've progressed alot keep doing it everyday at your own pace :)

I'll reach that point eventually, but for now I happy for you. Plus you may be right about the roller coaster thing, but like squid said don't overthink it. It's good that you don't overjoy on something that could just give nothing. Again, I'm really happy for you!

I wish you a great day :)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #612 on: October 15, 2019, 06:43:12 PM »
Well done sir!  Don't over think it, I'm happy you asked her out :).  How you have a great day!

Thanks, squid! I'm definitely pushing back against the natural tendency to overthink it, so thanks for the support on that front! Today, I've mostly just put the whole thing on a back burner, looking forward to seeing what happens and happy that someone who seems cool agreed to go out with me, but also mindful of the fact that it's in the future and thinking too much about it now isn't going to help anything.

That's so awesome Blue!! I think it's a good step in the right direction. No matter if it work or doesn't, the matter of fact is that you've progressed alot keep doing it everyday at your own pace :)

I'll reach that point eventually, but for now I happy for you. Plus you may be right about the roller coaster thing, but like squid said don't overthink it. It's good that you don't overjoy on something that could just give nothing. Again, I'm really happy for you!

I wish you a great day :)

Thanks! It is so important to take things at your own pace. I have definitely felt pressure in the past to rush things, just because I feel like I "should" be in a relationship. I obviously took a big step in asking her out, but it was only after she took a few smaller steps to make me think it would be worth doing. I didn't want to leave her hanging, but I also don't have any big ideas about where this might go. Just doing my best to go along for the ride.

What's the rush? We'll all get where we're going as long as we keep moving forward. Thanks for your support!

Quiet day today

Went to work for most of the day, and not a lot happened there. In my downtime, I spent a little time creating social media accounts for a blog/video project that I'm starting. I don't trust myself to use the accounts, but I felt like I should create them before someone else takes the usernames. I have big dreams of someday being able to hire someone to handle social media for me, but, until then, at least I have the usernames already reserved.

I also spent some time today researching places to eat around town. By the looks of things, the part of the date that I have planned so far will end around dinner time, and it seems a little rude to just say, "Hey, pal, you're on your own for dinner." So I was looking into options. I don't, generally, eat out a lot, but I found some interesting places online today. So we'll see. There's plenty of time to figure that out.

Spent most of the rest of the day cooking and eating (pretty good way to spend time). The urges from last week have pretty much gone away, which is good. That definitely makes things easier.

Sort of just feeling normal-good, which is actually like the first time in a while. Not like euphoric, but also not bad for a change. Feels like maybe some things are starting to finally move forward in life (or just move at all, which is something).

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #613 on: October 15, 2019, 07:48:38 PM »
Keep on moving forward!  Eating out is way easier than cooking ahaha, you'll like it.  What video project are you doing?  Sounds interesting!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #614 on: October 15, 2019, 09:37:28 PM »
100% right! Just keep going forward! Relaxing it is to cook, I think ;) I'm curious too about that project of yours! Tell us about!! Please ;D

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #615 on: October 16, 2019, 12:57:47 PM »
Looks like you're doing well overall and got over the minor cravings and "flashbacks" :)

Good to see how you're taking on things with the girl with patience, you're right about not needing to rush anything! Be careful about the social media accounts and "curiosity" though, you know what tricks our brain can play and are right about not trusting yourself (at least too soon).

faenoe

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #616 on: October 16, 2019, 01:48:03 PM »
Love reading about your development story. It's inspiring to see that you really can return to a neutral state of being. Not necessarily good, but not bad. Just you. Just life.

Also, that's awesome news that you asked that girl out. Best wishes!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #617 on: October 16, 2019, 07:28:22 PM »
Keep on moving forward!  Eating out is way easier than cooking ahaha, you'll like it.  What video project are you doing?  Sounds interesting!

100% right! Just keep going forward! Relaxing it is to cook, I think ;) I'm curious too about that project of yours! Tell us about!! Please ;D

Thanks, guys! I've been playing around with the idea of making educational videos related to my field of study. It's mostly for fun at this point, but I wouldn't mind if it turned into a source of income. As much as I love living and working at a university, academic people can be a little frustrating at times, so part of me wants to open up some other options should the need arise.

Looks like you're doing well overall and got over the minor cravings and "flashbacks" :)

Good to see how you're taking on things with the girl with patience, you're right about not needing to rush anything! Be careful about the social media accounts and "curiosity" though, you know what tricks our brain can play and are right about not trusting yourself (at least too soon).

Thanks, achilles! Flashbacks is exactly the right word.

I'm definitely not in a big rush (or trying not to be). My brain occasionally makes big leaps into the future, imagining what things could be like if things work out with this girl. I've just been getting in the practice of thanking my brain for its enthusiasm and reminding it that we need to stay grounded in the present. We'll cross that bridge when and if we get there.

And you're right on about the risks of the social media accounts. I felt alarm bells going off in my head as I was setting them up (at school in public so there was that layer of protection). But it felt important to at least set them up. Luckily, all social media websites are blacklisted on my internet at home, so accessing them for "legit" reasons isn't even possible. If I use them at all (and I don't have plans in the near future to do so), it will have to be somewhere away from home and in public.

Love reading about your development story. It's inspiring to see that you really can return to a neutral state of being. Not necessarily good, but not bad. Just you. Just life.

Also, that's awesome news that you asked that girl out. Best wishes!

Thanks, faenoe! I've appreciated your support and comments! In the early days of recovery, everything feels like a rush of excitement and difficulty and all kinds of emotions. Things definitely settle down over time. It presents new challenges, but they aren't as difficult as in the early days.

Another quiet day

It was a day for laundry and homework and catching up on email.

The exciting news for today is that I found out I will be presenting a paper at a big conference next summer! I have been working on a project that I feel is important but also seems sort of on the fringe of what most people in my field are doing. I submitted my proposal without big expectations, sort of thinking I would get a no. But it was accepted today, and it made me feel pretty good that other people out there thought my ideas were good enough for a national conference.

Things have felt really slow this year, sort of like I was frozen in place in every aspect of life. But a couple things have started moving forward this week, and that's really encouraging. I'm cautiously optimistic that maybe I'm finally turning a corner and heading into brighter days.

As always, thank you all so much for your continued support. The last several months really have been unusually difficult. There have been days when I felt like I was wasting my time and that I had steered myself into a dead end professionally, socially, academically, etc. But, coming here to post at the end of the day and seeing all your comments and progress almost always put me back in a better mood.

We really are stronger together!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #618 on: October 16, 2019, 09:47:16 PM »
Great stuff blue, presenting a paper is super awesome.  And staying grounded at home is important too.  Any good recipes recently?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #619 on: October 17, 2019, 06:59:56 PM »
Great stuff blue, presenting a paper is super awesome.  And staying grounded at home is important too.  Any good recipes recently?

Thanks, man! Nothing too flashy in terms of recipes. I roasted a chicken at the beginning of the week and have just been remixing into a couple of different things (pasta, tacos). But I'm getting excited for fall/winter recipes (looks like butternut squash is going to be cheap at the store this week)!

Not much to say about today

I sort of had a slow start this morning, low motivation or something. But I was in class for the whole afternoon, came home to eat, and then wrote a short paper for my class tomorrow. So I ended the day a little stronger than it started.

I had an audiobook on hold that came through today. It's called Atomic Habits, and I don't know a lot about it but it's basically about the cumulative effect over time of smaller habits. That's definitely something I'm interested in (I can do small things no problem, lol), so I'll report if there's anything worth sharing.

Other than that, things have been pretty quiet. My worrying-about-the-future brain has been trying to decide what to wear on my date. Not quite grounded in the present, but more productive than baseless romantic fantasies.

Just pressing forward!

faenoe

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #620 on: October 17, 2019, 07:16:48 PM »
Other than that, things have been pretty quiet. My worrying-about-the-future brain has been trying to decide what to wear on my date. Not quite grounded in the present, but more productive than baseless romantic fantasies.

I am the same way when it comes to dates. I felt similar right before my interview today as well. I got home with an hour before they were going to call me and start the interview. About 15 minutes before I was getting really anxious. Then this really cool thing happened: I thought to myself, "hey it's pretty cool that my body was designed to go into overdrive before something important is about to happen." After that thought, I totally chilled out and stopped worrying about the interview. I knew that whatever happened would happen and my mind was preparing itself to perform at its very best. Don't worry too much about worrying about the future. I think that's pretty normal and if you are able to control it, it help you be your best self and feel confident.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #621 on: October 18, 2019, 06:10:39 PM »
Thanks, faenoe! It's always good to be reminded that other people deal with the same feelings. And I really like your perspective about how your body and mind are just trying to help you get ready for something important. That's a great way to think about it, and it helps me have an attitude of working with my mind instead of against it.

Today was another quiet day

Went to class, went to work. Spent a long time having a good conversation with my boss. Came home and had dinner.

Maybe a weird topic, but just part of documenting the process of recovery (not like I haven't shared weirder things about myself already, lol):

In the last several weeks/couple months, I have noticed what feels like a big increase in wet dreams. I feel like they used to happen pretty rarely when I was in the middle of relapsing all the time, but I get the feeling they're happening like once a week or so now. I'm not actually keeping track, but they're definitely a more regular thing than they used to be. Most of the time, I don't even remember the dream itself, but sometimes I do (usually something about trying to get away/look away from porn but not getting away in time).

I don't know if it's the new normal or just a phase of readjustment or what. But it's definitely a new kind of phenomenon that seems worth mentioning (even if only so it doesn't catch anyone off guard in the future if it's not just me).

End of weird topic: have a great weekend!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #622 on: October 18, 2019, 11:20:01 PM »
Have a great weekend blue!!  How's your video project coming along?

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #623 on: October 19, 2019, 04:05:08 AM »
I experienced the increase of wet dreams during longer streaks and during episodes without sex too, I guess it's normal as I've seen this description often around.

Your "worrying-about-the-future brain" also is something normal, thinking about the long term future should prevent us from making stupid mistakes in the present, otherwise we all were still watching porn every day  ;)

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #624 on: October 19, 2019, 10:59:01 AM »
Wish you great weekend too, Blue!

About the wet dreams, I wouldn't know much. I had only 2, I think, and it was when I was around 2 months in my hard mode reboot. I had non before reaching that point in time. So it's most probably your brain trying to push you in one direction. Some people have some of these, some have alot and some none. It's an individual thing.

I know that recently, I had exactly the same dream about trying not to look at porn. I woke up in panic thinking I was about to relapse and realized it was just a dream. The relief I felt when I realized it!!!

Keep us posted about your video project, man. It's a really cool one.

Take care Blue and stay strong :)