Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 14641 times)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #575 on: September 30, 2019, 09:37:48 PM »
Thanks, guys! Definitely going to take advantage of the next chance I get.

It was kind of a long busy day, but it was also pretty decent.

I have definitely felt a lot of pressure in my life to be dating, and that has usually made me feel like I was always chasing after someone, trying to get someone to notice me but also being way too scared to put myself out there. After my last sort-of-relationship fell apart in a difficult way, I just kind of decided that I was going to try to be the best I could be and the women could come find me. There's no way to know at this point where any of this could be headed, and I don't know this woman very well at all, but, from what I know so far, she seems like a really good person. You know, like a real solid person.

This is a long way of saying that today I felt a kind of confidence walking around campus. There was something about knowing that someone cool seemed interested in me that made me feel like standing up a little straighter. Then, instead of seeing girls walk by and think, "Oh, I'll never be good enough for anyone," I was thinking, "I don't need to worry about these people or what they do or don't think about me because there's someone awesome starting to maybe come into my life."

In one way, it kind of stinks that it has taken some validation from someone else to give me this little confidence boost, but I'm also happy to be experiencing it.

Porn really makes us feel like we are weird and worthless and disgusting and that nobody would ever be interested in us. Because we are so aware of the one problem (porn) we can't see all the good things that we have going for us. There's so much good in each of you. I don't know, make a list of your good qualities and talents. Do something to recognize everything that you have to be confident about. Porn keeps us trapped because it makes us feel like it's our only friend, like nobody else would want to be around us. That's a lie.

Recovery is hard, and it can be discouraging when it drags on. But I bet we're probably all doing better than we realize or give ourselves credit for.

Keep it going! One more day!

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #576 on: October 01, 2019, 11:33:12 AM »
Man, good idea about making the list!

IMO there is nothing wrong with feeling good about a cool person liking you.

As to the relationship stuff it's a bit of a balancing act I think, definitely sounds like you have the right mindset and it's great to ditch all the desperation mixed with not going for it. (The worst combo). I think the not being overly attached to it but still taking action to get it is the key.

I've had both desparate, but also feeling really good and not taking action. Sometimes I'd feel good but then when it's time to ask a girl out I'd feel not so good lol. Which is okay, being mentally healthy and confident, we can still have moments of doubt and fear to push through.

Still especially given this issue that brought us here, errring on the side of happy with self and not pursuing hard may be good for the time being. Great progress is happening and that's the important thing. Eventually girls/ a girl will come or you'll make the necessary adjustments to do the right amount of healthy non-desperate pursuit to get them, so long as you just continue on the path you are on currently

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #577 on: October 01, 2019, 04:16:34 PM »
I'd say take a look at your worldview on dating.  I used to think that dating was like a movie.  Where you see a girl in a public place and fall into love instantly.  But now I see it as a seed that grows into a living thing.  Also my view on dating is that it's wise to go on lots of first meet ups and first and second dates until you find someone who have a connection with. 

Online dating makes it all so convenient, and gives an advantage to thoughtful Intelligent men like those of us in the nation.  Pick some photos write a bio and max out your swipes daily.  Within three weeks the matches start to come in and you can meet a lot of women who are also interested at least slightly in you. 

You deserve a great woman dude, don't listen to the resistance.  Resistance is always lying and always full of shit.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #578 on: October 01, 2019, 06:09:41 PM »
Thanks for the ideas and support, guys! It always means a lot to come here at the end of the day and to find some encouragement. After everything that happens in a day, this is usually when I need that boost most.

You deserve a great woman dude, don't listen to the resistance.

Thanks especially for this comment, squid! I have definitely lived for years with the idea that my addiction made it permanently impossible for me to ever have a long-term relationship (i.e., as soon as "hypothetical woman" finds out about the porn in my past, that would be it). Working on recovery has definitely involved digging myself out of the hole of my inaccurate beliefs about dating, relationships, and my own "worthiness" to participate in it all.

I hear you on the online dating thing. I tried it for the first half of this year with really limited success (basically none). So I'm taking a break from it for a while at least, but who knows?

IMO there is nothing wrong with feeling good about a cool person liking you.

As to the relationship stuff it's a bit of a balancing act I think, definitely sounds like you have the right mindset and it's great to ditch all the desperation mixed with not going for it. (The worst combo). I think the not being overly attached to it but still taking action to get it is the key.

And thanks, quit! You're definitely right, nothing wrong with feeling good about being liked. Part of me just wishes I could have found that confidence in myself, but it's all a process.

And yeah, I'm definitely working on taking action without desperation. I think that's a good way of putting it. I feel like she has made some moves, so I wanted to make sure I'm reciprocating so that she doesn't assume I'm totally uninterested. Just focusing on being open to possibilities but also being chill about it, I guess.

Speaking of, today was pretty chill

Just work today (and some homework that I could have made more progress on). Work was pretty boring, actually, for some reason. Well, except for a goofy social mistake that I made.

I went into the breakroom to refill my water bottle, and I used up the last of the water in the water cooler. So I was thinking about where to set my water bottle down so that I could put a new one of those giant bottle back onto the water cooler. But then I saw that there was someone behind me waiting, so I like panicked because I was in someone's way and just bolted out of the break room in like a weird effort to be polite and not keep them waiting. Then when I was in the hall, I heard them refilling the cooler, which was what I should have done. Then I was like, "Why did I run away?" It was a weird, split-second decision, and it was the wrong one.

It was really bugging me today after I got home, so I finally just decided to email that person and apologize. Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of it, but it just sort of felt like the right thing to do. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I did feel like owning all of my mistakes (even like a clumsy social mistake) is part of this recovery process of reinventing my whole life. (And now I just feel weird and awkward that I sent someone an email, like I always do when I reach out to people.) Oh well, all part of the process.

Time to get ready to face another new day!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #579 on: October 02, 2019, 07:08:55 PM »
Today was a really quiet day. Just did some chores and homework. It was pretty productive, mostly in a staying caught up way and not a getting ahead way, but that's okay too.

Yeah, not much to say, I guess. I get some time off from school next week, and I'm really looking forward to that. Just got to push through the next few days.

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #580 on: October 02, 2019, 09:09:57 PM »
Sounds like a solid day!

Sorry thought I already posted about the previous post....
I just can totally relate to the occasional social stuff like that. Just like being really embarrassed by small things, that don't really make sense sometimes. The other day I ordered something at a coffee shop, I am cool with everyone who works there and they forgot to make what I ordered (a few people ordered the same thing so I think they got confused). I literally walked up to the counter twice and didn't say anything, feeling awkward. Third time I gently mentioned it and it was no problem they were like "oh sorry here you go". For me it's a little odd, because I am very gregarious and talkative seemingly very socially confident but sometimes very normal/small situations make me embarrassed or nervous.

But.... maybe it's not a huge deal, most of the time no one else notices it, so who knows maybe most or many people get feelings like this or it's just part of being sensitive to other people which overall if you average out the positives and negatives is probably a net positive.

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #581 on: October 03, 2019, 12:15:58 PM »
Congratulations on going steady towards success!  :) I guess the quiet days are the reason why you are advancing so much, you're the opposite of what I mentioned on Lero's journal about Lero and me (and many others) permanently searching for another thrill, for something to happen. This is leading to stupid decisions and many times back to porn. You learned to be happy with the every day pleasure and will more likely find true happiness due to appreciating the "normal" high of life.

I'm looking forward to the next episode of you and the girl, the build up is great so far and hopes are high there will a happy end ;) Don't worry about your history as a porn addict, most girls assume every guy is watching porn and by telling them you quit this shit forever you won't have any negative feedback but full support!

Worrying too much is a key almost all of us here seem to have in common as I notice by your story and the reply of Quitforeverthenwin. I can relate to feel uncomfortable about things others barely notice and it's really hard to get over it. The perfectionst self-approach could be a key why we escape to addiction and feel the pressure to escape from a reality that isn't as unforgiving as we use to think.

Just stop worrying, you're awesome! :)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #582 on: October 03, 2019, 05:43:07 PM »
I just can totally relate to the occasional social stuff like that. Just like being really embarrassed by small things, that don't really make sense sometimes.

Thanks, Quit! It's always great to learn here that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do sometimes. It's too bad that we all deal with these kinds of awkward/embarrassed feelings, but it is good to know I'm not alone.

Congratulations on going steady towards success!  :) I guess the quiet days are the reason why you are advancing so much, you're the opposite of what I mentioned on Lero's journal about Lero and me (and many others) permanently searching for another thrill, for something to happen. This is leading to stupid decisions and many times back to porn. You learned to be happy with the every day pleasure and will more likely find true happiness due to appreciating the "normal" high of life.

I'm looking forward to the next episode of you and the girl, the build up is great so far and hopes are high there will a happy end ;) Don't worry about your history as a porn addict, most girls assume every guy is watching porn and by telling them you quit this shit forever you won't have any negative feedback but full support!

Worrying too much is a key almost all of us here seem to have in common as I notice by your story and the reply of Quitforeverthenwin. I can relate to feel uncomfortable about things others barely notice and it's really hard to get over it. The perfectionst self-approach could be a key why we escape to addiction and feel the pressure to escape from a reality that isn't as unforgiving as we use to think.

Just stop worrying, you're awesome! :)

And thanks to you too, achilles! I really appreciate the encouraging words, and I will do my best to quit worrying. I also like what you said about appreciating the quiet days. I definitely know that boredom was sometimes behind my relapses: I remember feeling like PMO was some kind of fun, freeing experience. But when my morning alarm went off and I realized that I had been binging all night, I realized that it wasn't really all that fun or freeing.

Definitely better to have a good night's sleep and a "boring" day with a clear conscious.

Today was busier

But I guess not a lot busier. I had class and did some homework, and I still have to finish up a little assignment before tomorrow, nothing too bad.

The person from the watercooler emailed me back and basically said, "Yeah, whatever, no big deal." That's the right kind of response. It still felt like a huge thing to me at the time.

Not sure when my next chance to talk to the girl will be. Hopefully (maybe) sometime this weekend, but there's no guarantee. I have a little plan coming together in the back of my mind, but I'll just have to see if I get a chance to make it happen.

Other than that, the only thing that there even is to talk about is how bad my allergies have been this week, especially today. I don't know what's in the air lately, but I hope it clears up soon. I've been sneezing and itching like crazy.

Let's all go have a great Friday!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #583 on: October 03, 2019, 06:56:37 PM »
Yo blue, do you have the girl's number, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, linkedin, whatsapp, kakaotalk, wechat, or po box?

If so, send her a message bro, say you have been wanting to go to this event and has been enjoying her company and want to invite her to come with you.

Proactive man, you got this.

-squid

Quitforeverthenwin

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 483
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #584 on: October 03, 2019, 10:18:01 PM »
Lot's of good insights. I relate to what Lero said... wanting excitement. When I do the same thing each day I start to feel a lack of meaning... BUT that is a false thought, constantly seeking novelty and excitement can lead to pmo, and also harms the ability to have deeper relationships or deeper progress in areas of life, both of which would create meaning.

Also great point quitting pmo is huge. The cool thing is, most guys PMO a little and just about all MO. I told a girl, that I don't MO and it helps me appreciate the whole person more and be more present connected etc. the girl's mind was blown and she loved it. PMO was a problem but the solution of cutting all of it totally out, ends up better then we would have been if we never had the problem....

I have experienced and heard, cutting out MO for long periods, PMO addiction or not makes intimacy with a real person soooo much more powerful.

Very cool Blue that you got to the point where the boring days are cool for you! I agree with squid if you had the number just invite her out, but I am guessing you would have if you had her number?

I have a weird idea (not very romantic) can you think of 1-3 other girls who seem cool to you? Girls you may be a little interested in? Can you put a tiny bit of thought into them? Not saying you have to ask em out or anything. I mean literally put a little thought into them, just allow your mind to see options etc.

Sounds like you want a meaningful relationship, but for now perhaps thinking a little bit about other girls, will decrease the importance of this girl in your mind. Like instead of right moment it can be like "oh, there's that cool girl, she'd be cool to hang with" " hey cool girl, want to check out the musuem with me tomorrow" (casual).

I am thinking the book what color is your parachute (about job hunting) said ALWAYS have at least two options, so the one options isn't all or nothing and too important.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 10:21:13 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #585 on: October 04, 2019, 08:31:14 PM »
Yo blue, do you have the girl's number, Facebook, Instagram, snapchat, linkedin, whatsapp, kakaotalk, wechat, or po box?

If so, send her a message bro, say you have been wanting to go to this event and has been enjoying her company and want to invite her to come with you.

Proactive man, you got this.

-squid

Great question...and no...lol. Cutting off all the social media stuff has been part of my recovery (too much triggering stuff there), so I'm sort of trapped in the 1930s communication wise. But I'll get it figured out soon enough. Thanks for the encouragement!

Also great point quitting pmo is huge. The cool thing is, most guys PMO a little and just about all MO. I told a girl, that I don't MO and it helps me appreciate the whole person more and be more present connected etc. the girl's mind was blown and she loved it. PMO was a problem but the solution of cutting all of it totally out, ends up better then we would have been if we never had the problem....

I have experienced and heard, cutting out MO for long periods, PMO addiction or not makes intimacy with a real person soooo much more powerful.

This is a pretty cool thought. Part of the reason is that I always imagined myself as the one weirdo with a PMO addiction (of course that doesn't explain the billion-dollar industry), but you're right: those of us who have spent some time with porn and decided to get rid of it completely are a rare breed. How many more guys are just going about their lives, never knowing that they were in trouble. It blows my mind that what you told that girl blew her mind: I always imagine that my history with PMO will be a nasty surprise, but it's probably more likely that my present situation of quitting it will actually be a pleasant surprise! Thanks for the perspective!

I have a weird idea (not very romantic) can you think of 1-3 other girls who seem cool to you? Girls you may be a little interested in? Can you put a tiny bit of thought into them? Not saying you have to ask em out or anything. I mean literally put a little thought into them, just allow your mind to see options etc.

Sounds like you want a meaningful relationship, but for now perhaps thinking a little bit about other girls, will decrease the importance of this girl in your mind. Like instead of right moment it can be like "oh, there's that cool girl, she'd be cool to hang with" " hey cool girl, want to check out the musuem with me tomorrow" (casual).

I am thinking the book what color is your parachute (about job hunting) said ALWAYS have at least two options, so the one options isn't all or nothing and too important.

And you're right, this maybe isn't a very romantic idea, but it's a really good one. I definitely don't want to put all my eggs in one basket. At this point, I'm mostly interested in going on a date because I haven't really gotten a chance to get to know much about her. I mean, I know that we have had some fun conversations in more of a group setting, but that hasn't been enough to see if there's anything there. I'm being optimistically skeptical, I guess.

The other thing, though, is that, if I'm honest, I think I'm really good at friend-zoning people, which is maybe a little counterintuitive. I mean, I have a lot of friends who are women (probably more than men), but I'm also 100% comfortable having them as just friends, not especially interested in having more with them. And if you asked me, I'd have pretty good reasons (at least I think they're good) why a romantic relationship wouldn't work out, at least not long-term.

There's probably a lot to process there, but I sometimes wonder if there isn't an element of self-sabotage there. I mean, I've lived in a couple of places in the country, made a lot of friends, and only had a few relationships (and only one that really went anywhere). At the same time, I really have a long-term commitment in mid, and I don't want to get that wrong. If I've been waiting as long as I have, no sense settling now.

Hard to talk about that stuff without feeling like I'm being a tool sometimes. But I had a great relationship for a long while, so I know what it can be like, and I'm not too interested in starting something that can't be at least that good.

I'm talking myself in circles now.

As for today, it was pretty chill. The last long day before a good weekend and another week that should be pretty relaxed (at least comparatively).

Feeling a little weird today, not sure if it's allergies, the beginnings of a cold, or just a hangover from the benadryl I took last night (I slept weird last night, maybe because of that). Oh well, it's time for the weekend and some rest!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #586 on: October 05, 2019, 08:21:18 PM »
Not much to the day today.

Ran into some car trouble that I'm going to have to figure out on Monday. It's having trouble starting, sort of like it sometimes does on really cold days in the winter except it's not really cold right now so that doesn't explain it. Here I was thinking I was going to have a stress-free week and then this went and happened. Oh well, at least it's happening in a week when I actually have time to get it taken care of without messing everything else up. Hopefully, it's not a huge fix,  but we'll see.

I'm also having some people over for a brunch tomorrow. It should be pretty good (I just spent the last little while pre-cooking some things and cleaning up the front area of my apartment for guests). I like the idea of hosting people, but every time I do it I remember why I rarely do it. It's stressful, but, like I said, it shouldn't be a bad thing. Just something that will be kind of good but even better as a memory, lol.

Feeling better physically than yesterday, just have some car-related stress now. Working on relaxing into the evening and not getting too worked up about it. There's nothing I can do about it now anyway.

Just chugging along for another day!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #587 on: October 06, 2019, 08:25:57 PM »
Kind of a busy day. I had the brunch: it was good. It made me anxious to have so many people over, like it was my job to make sure they were all comfortable and happy (which it isn't). But overall it was good, and it seemed like people had a nice time. One of my buddies stuck around for most of the rest of the day. We just hung out and talked, which was nice.

Gotta go figure out for sure what's up with my car in the morning, pretty sure it's the battery but I don't know for sure.

Things are pretty quiet and pretty normal. Aside from a few days off of school, I don't really know what this week will bring.

Let's go find out!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #588 on: October 07, 2019, 08:54:33 AM »
Not much to the day today.

Ran into some car trouble that I'm going to have to figure out on Monday. It's having trouble starting, sort of like it sometimes does on really cold days in the winter except it's not really cold right now so that doesn't explain it. Here I was thinking I was going to have a stress-free week and then this went and happened. Oh well, at least it's happening in a week when I actually have time to get it taken care of without messing everything else up. Hopefully, it's not a huge fix,  but we'll see.

I'm also having some people over for a brunch tomorrow. It should be pretty good (I just spent the last little while pre-cooking some things and cleaning up the front area of my apartment for guests). I like the idea of hosting people, but every time I do it I remember why I rarely do it. It's stressful, but, like I said, it shouldn't be a bad thing. Just something that will be kind of good but even better as a memory, lol.

Feeling better physically than yesterday, just have some car-related stress now. Working on relaxing into the evening and not getting too worked up about it. There's nothing I can do about it now anyway.

Just chugging along for another day!

I had a problem similar to this a few months ago.  Turns out the battery terminals were very loose and after I tightened them, haven't had any more issues.

Nice job on the hosting!  Reminds me of a quote from Abe Lincoln's biography.  It went something like, "His house was a bight and happy place filled with frequent and lively parties, it was not a miser's abode".

Hosting get togethers is the opposite of pmo.  Great work dude, and it's okay it be a little stressed when hosting and wanting to make people happy.  That's what it's all about. 

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #589 on: October 07, 2019, 09:15:04 PM »
Thanks, squid! Maybe I'll host another get-together before too long (I still have to cool off from yesterday, though, lol).

Got the car taken care: the battery was on its last legs, so I replaced it and I'm back in action. Glad I caught it before I ended up stranded somewhere.

Had a weird, porn-related dream that has flashed in and out of my mind throughout the day today. At this point, it feels more annoying than triggering, but still something to be careful with. I just tried to breathe through it and focus on other things when it came up.

I picked up two tickets to the museum today too. I don't know when my chance to take someone with me will come exactly, but I'm ready for it now. "Hey, I've got a couple tickets...wanna come with me?"

Overall, a pretty decent day. It's a little late, and I'm a little tired but it's all good. After tomorrow, I'm on break until next week (thank goodness).

Onward and upward!

faenoe

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 25
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #590 on: October 07, 2019, 09:43:18 PM »
Hey Blue I really appreciate your story so far. As a new member of the forum, I also really appreciate your support. It feels good to not be isolated with my problems anymore. It feels good to belong to a community where everyone has the same goal. Keep it up man. You're an inspiration!

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #591 on: October 07, 2019, 10:20:57 PM »
Thanks, squid! Maybe I'll host another get-together before too long (I still have to cool off from yesterday, though, lol).

Got the car taken care: the battery was on its last legs, so I replaced it and I'm back in action. Glad I caught it before I ended up stranded somewhere.

Had a weird, porn-related dream that has flashed in and out of my mind throughout the day today. At this point, it feels more annoying than triggering, but still something to be careful with. I just tried to breathe through it and focus on other things when it came up.

I picked up two tickets to the museum today too. I don't know when my chance to take someone with me will come exactly, but I'm ready for it now. "Hey, I've got a couple tickets...wanna come with me?"

Overall, a pretty decent day. It's a little late, and I'm a little tired but it's all good. After tomorrow, I'm on break until next week (thank goodness).

Onward and upward!

Nice dude, actually getting the tickets is a significant step!  Any woman would be fortunate to go to a museum with you!

See you at the top,

-squid

Free-man

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 242
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #592 on: October 08, 2019, 07:36:15 AM »
It will come a fantastic date in the museum Blue!
Well done for buy the tickets and good luck mate!!!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #593 on: October 08, 2019, 07:04:20 PM »
Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate your support!

Today is day 215!

I'm kind of kicking myself, though, now that the day is ending. I got the tickets, I had a plan of what to say the next time I ran into the girl I'm thinking of asking out, and I was ready to go. Until I saw her today. Then what happened was we had a little conversation, everything I had thought of before disappeared from my brain, and she had to leave to do something before I even realized what happened.

I'm not really sure if I just deliberately didn't ask her out or if I just choked or what. I know with my head that today was not my only or even best chance to ask her out, but I still feel pretty rotten about blowing the chance that came my way.

On the bright side, we had a positive, if very brief, interaction. So it's not like my choking turned it into a bad thing (I still think the door is open). I also think my sort of open curiosity to get to know her better has turned into a little bit more of actual interest (so that counts for something too).

I also think that I learned that I'm just going to have to call her sometime soon (I do finally have her number). I felt like asking in person would be better (and also like calling on the phone is pretty old-fashioned), but I was raised with the idea that phone calls are the way to do it, and I think that will work better for me in the end. I was way too preoccupied with planning what I was going to say today that I didn't really relax into the flow of conversation like I should have. So I'll call: that's easier to psych myself up for, get it done, and then not have to make it seem "spontaneous" in person. But I'll give it a little bit of time before I do (I don't want it to seem like I'm just calling because I chickened out at the last minute in person: "Oh, hey, remember when we were talking a couple hours ago? Yeah, well I could have asked you out then but I choked so I'm doing it now. Wanna go out?")

Honestly, I'm just pretty ticked off at myself, but I'm also trying not to be. I'm doing what I can, and one mistake like today can't ruin everything. It's all learning, and now I have a better sense of what to do next time.

Came on here because I figured I would be able to get my thoughts out of my head. Turns out responding to other people's journals has also really helped me to feel better. Thanks to you all for being a part of this community. Trying to do this stuff alone really wouldn't be very fun.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #594 on: October 09, 2019, 05:54:33 PM »
Today was okay. It wasn't very busy, and I'll confess that I was coming in and out of pity-party mode throughout the day.

There is no good reason for me to have a pity party. I mean, I know the reason (see yesterday's post),  but I don't think it's a good reason. Nothing bad actually happened: I just have to wait a little longer for something good. I've been waiting for a long time, so what's a few more days?

Oh well, I took care of some things around the house and also ended up taking an accidental nap, which doesn't happen very often. In the back of my mind, I wanted to use today to set myself up to be productive for the next few days that I have off. I'm not sure I did a great job of that, but there's still time to get some things in place.

The thought came to mind that my mood/attitude today isn't going to serve me well when I'm eventually in a relationship or even a father. Like, am I going to let a relatively disappointment ruin my day, and is that going to help my kids? The thought didn't really snap me out of it today, but it has helped me to realize the need to improve at dealing with disappointments (which have, honestly, been a big driver of relapses in the past). I'll get it eventually.

Here's to a great tomorrow!

brandnewself

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 61
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #595 on: October 09, 2019, 08:37:00 PM »
Hi Blue, it's completely normal to feel this way. I remember once I was into a girl and decided to call her to give her a gift personally for her birthday. I took out my phone, typed her number in and then struggled for 20 seconds before putting the phone back in my pocket...This went for 3 times before I finally just tapped "call". Once the call was connected, I was so nervous that I was stuttering and it took me a while to calm down ::) Honestly the fact that you had brief but positive interactions with her means you're probably 10x better than I was haha. It's ok to be disappointed, it's normal to feel bad about something. It's even more normal that not everything goes as planned. Now when I look back, it was just a fun little experience I had 3 years ago.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #596 on: October 09, 2019, 11:00:58 PM »
Sounds like your building things up in your head a lot blue.  Are they any improv comedy classes or troupes in your city?  One of those classes would be helpful and fun!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1071
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #597 on: October 10, 2019, 05:45:27 PM »
Hi Blue, it's completely normal to feel this way. I remember once I was into a girl and decided to call her to give her a gift personally for her birthday. I took out my phone, typed her number in and then struggled for 20 seconds before putting the phone back in my pocket...This went for 3 times before I finally just tapped "call". Once the call was connected, I was so nervous that I was stuttering and it took me a while to calm down ::) Honestly the fact that you had brief but positive interactions with her means you're probably 10x better than I was haha. It's ok to be disappointed, it's normal to feel bad about something. It's even more normal that not everything goes as planned. Now when I look back, it was just a fun little experience I had 3 years ago.

Thanks, man! Always good to know someone else has had a similar experience. I definitely used to be the kind of guy who would just look at the girl he was interested from far away and never ever talk to them, so it's all progress. No reason to be a super smooth operator 100% of the time just because I think I should be.

Sounds like your building things up in your head a lot blue.  Are they any improv comedy classes or troupes in your city?  One of those classes would be helpful and fun!

You're probably right about building things up. I don't know: it's a constant struggle between what I consciously want to do (be chill) and what I sort of naturally do (dial everything up to 110%).

At the same time, I think I also struggle with my own past experiences of being asked out. It hasn't happened a lot, but I have had some women ask me out in the past. Never the ones I wished would. So I think on some level that I also feel like being asked out is always a "threat." You know, I feel like it is an act of imposing on someone (probably one that people expect and often hope for, but it still feels like asking a lot). So that gets in the way too. Sure, I could do it, but I hate the idea of putting someone on the spot and feeling like they have to say yes to be polite (since I have been on the receiving end of it). Even when the signs are pointing to the fact that it wouldn't be a problem, I still feel like it would be one. So I'm going to have to work on that false belief.

Today was an okay day

I did some work today to organize my desk and work space. My desk is kind of small, and it always ends up messy and crowded and like a bomb went off. So I got a little shelf and some containers to help organize my space more effectively and keep it clearer for productive work (and not feeling overwhelmed by the papers and keys and pens and books that have always tended to pile up). That felt pretty good, and I have gotten a couple other things done today. But it hasn't been as productive as I'd hoped.

More pressingly, though, I've been swimming through some urges today. Last night as I was going to sleep, some kind of image/fantasy slammed into my brain and really got my brain and body going. I can't even remember exactly what it was, but I remember that it happened. I did everything I could to breathe into the urge and let it pass by, and it eventually did so that I could sleep.

But the urges and thoughts have been rolling in and out all day. Not as strong as last night, but stronger than they've been in a long while. It's got me a little bit on edge. I have caught my brain saying things a couple of times today like, "Well, you could just google this one thing. Not to watch porn or anything, just to find out what it is." No, brain, I'm not going to do that, but thanks for the idea. I finally feel like I'm climbing out of the abyss, so now is not the time to throw it all away with a relapse.

Oh well, I've almost made it through today, and today is the only day that matters. In the meanwhile, I'll just keep on keepin' on.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #598 on: October 10, 2019, 06:59:38 PM »
Great work blue stay strong.  I'll post more later but need to run before it gets later.  You are doing awesome dude, if you ask and they say nah they will forget about it soon if you asked nicely.  But if you never ask and they wanted you too, they will feel like maybe they weren't good enough and maybe they should have asked.  It's always better to know, speak your truth dude.

squid

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 442
    • View Profile
Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #599 on: October 11, 2019, 04:34:38 PM »
Hope your day went well blue!