Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 14711 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #550 on: September 23, 2019, 06:26:37 PM »
Lol!

Nice, yeah being okay with it not working is super key. This sort of thing also gets easier with time. Man, maybe part of what led me to pmo was my unreal fear of asking girls out when I was younger. Like I was just so damn scared, I never did it. Instead I'd fantasize about those girls when a lone... bummer......

But the positive is, that kind of shows. Win/Lose or draw interacting with and pursuing real life women is so awesome! It's such a privilege, so much better, no matter the outcome, then living in a nasty isolated world of pmo.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #551 on: September 23, 2019, 09:09:20 PM »
You're right. I don't know if PMO made me scared to ask girls out or if I turned to PMO because I was scared, but I definitely have gotten a very late start on the dating game in the story of my life.

Nowadays, it feels like I'm not so much scared as usually not very interested. Part of me worries that it's just because porn has given me unrealistic expectations. But part of me also thinks that, now that I'm moving away from porn, I'm starting to see my own value as a person so I'm not willing to "settle." It's probably a little of both, but who knows?

But it's definitely all way way better than the isolation of addiction and constant PMO. That's for sure.

In other news, today was pretty busy but also decent. It felt like I was running around all afternoon and evening, but I did have a chance to interact with her again (seems like I should give her a nickname at this point, lol. Phosphorus maybe? No.) It was during a pretty structured activity, so there wasn't a lot of chance for like meaningful conversation, but we were laughing and having a good time.

Mostly, this is important because I think I usually feel like women are just being polite and not actually being interested or something like that. I feel like, after today, I'm pretty sure it's not just politeness, so that gives me some confidence moving forward. Still not in a huge rush: if it works it works, and if not oh well. Not going to force anything, but also not going to ignore the potential for progress. Besides, the best relationship I ever had started as a friendship, so I'm not worried about starting there.

Besides all that, today is Day 200. Next stop, 250 (and that feels like a really long way away, but I also feel like I can turn up the milestone difficulty a little at this point). We'll see, I might have to set an intermediate goal depending on how things go. But I'm feeling confident and hopeful, so no reason to hold back on the goal-setting.

Onward and upward!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #552 on: September 23, 2019, 10:09:20 PM »
Wow man! Congrats on 200 days, that is super awesome and a really great milestone.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #553 on: September 24, 2019, 07:09:13 PM »
Thanks, quit!

Today (and this week) are kind of crazy. I have a big assignment due on Thursday, and I just haven't had time until today to get started. I still have to do research and somehow get a 15-page report typed up by the end of the day tomorrow. It doesn't really feel possible, but I'm trying to stay positive. Luckily, I don't have too much on my schedule tomorrow, so I can mostly spend the whole day working on it.

Stress levels are high, but urges are low. It really does get better with time. Today I had the thought walking around campus that I used to just automatically stare at women and have to stop myself. Now, though, I think I would have to stare on purpose. That kind of creepy ogling isn't my default like it used to be, at least most of the time.

I guess what I'm saying is that deep change is possible. We can establish new habits and new lives. I feel like I'm just experiencing the beginning of that, but it's a real beginning.

Keep going, everyone!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #554 on: September 24, 2019, 10:21:25 PM »
Super cool blue!  You can get the paper done, just stay focused.  Have you been staying in touch with Phosphorus? 

Free-man

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #555 on: September 25, 2019, 02:55:44 AM »
Well done Blue!

Good luck with your assignment, you can do it!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #556 on: September 25, 2019, 06:36:50 AM »
Wow! That is so awesome, the changes you made. The key is persistence. I have to keep that in mind, this stuff changes over time. 15 pages sounds like a lot! At least you have free time to work on it...

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #557 on: September 25, 2019, 04:25:58 PM »
Besides all that, today is Day 200. Next stop, 250 (and that feels like a really long way away, but I also feel like I can turn up the milestone difficulty a little at this point). We'll see, I might have to set an intermediate goal depending on how things go. But I'm feeling confident and hopeful, so no reason to hold back on the goal-setting.

Congratulations on that amazing milestone!

In terms of entering the "dating game" I think by what you describe (having a good time, laughing, you think there's more to it than just her politeness), you have lots of open doors to just develop this naturally as you are going to meet her again anyway due to school. If I understood it right your idea of "casual" is not to ask for a real date directly and I support that idea because a date also puts pressure on both and might end up awkward.

I suggest to go for interesting activities in your city like street (food) festivals, cultural/art expositions where you don't sit down face to face, but walk around and have some topics to talk about besides the dating situation of question and answer.

It's also an easier way to direct the conversation towards the topic of a specific event and - if she seems interested - ask her out starting like "This saturday I'm going to event X, want to join me?" - you are showing her that you are going anyway and she won't feel the pressure of a date. If you get along really well, it's a lot easier to develop some kind of dating situation out of the activity or - if you feel like it will take some time - keep it casual for a while.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #558 on: September 25, 2019, 08:02:12 PM »
That sounds like a good idea^ probably better then my recommendation. I have met pretty much every date I have ever had from
"cold approach" so his idea may be easier and even more casual/ low pressure then mine. I think the general principle we all agree on is, casual/ low pressure. Romantic date ideas have worked close to 0% of the time for me and even dates that seemed romantic sounding have led to girls not showing up. It's not like in the movies.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #559 on: September 25, 2019, 08:15:05 PM »
At least in the early stages, I think they are right.  Our culture is superficial in the beginning stages of dating and there os a high chance of getting ghosted.  So you almost have to save the good romantic stuff until you are more serious.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #560 on: September 25, 2019, 08:43:41 PM »
Wow, guys, thanks for the support and ideas!

I just found out that my word processor somehow switched to being 1.5 spaced instead of double spaced, so I got some bonus length added to my paper for free. It's not quite done, but I felt like I could take a break to check in here before I finished.

It's has been kind of a bad day, mostly because I have spent the whole day writing and am not done yet. It's been boring and frustrating, but I'm close now, just a couple more pages. Oh well, it will all be over by the end of tomorrow, so at least it's not forever.

Nothing new to report on a potential date at this point. I haven't seen her, but even if I had it's been so crazy the last couple days. At this point, my big goal is to do something to communicate my interest. I feel like she has done a couple things to show that she is potentially interested, and I have been happy to respond to them, but I haven't done anything to go out of my way and return the favor. Maybe that's too much of a baby step, but I feel good about doing that first and seeing where it goes from there.

I also really like the idea of a walking/talking activity. In other cities I have lived in, there have been pretty good and inexpensive museums, but I don't know if there's anything like that here. I will have to do some research (maybe this weekend). I've always liked museums, so it would be cool if she was into that too. I definitely think you all are right to leave the showy romantic stuff until much later.

So I guess there's potential on the horizon...but not until after this paper is finished. Guess I should get back to work. Thanks again for your thoughts!


Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #561 on: September 25, 2019, 10:18:30 PM »
Cool man, get that paper done!

IMO: That's awesome she is communicating interest and you are returning it.... In my opinion the best way to show your interest is to set up a hang out, sounds like you like squid's idea and I think that's a good way to go too. So you can communicate interest by setting it up.

Pre warning Disclaimer: I have mostly met girls through cold approach so I may be a bit more jaded and fast moving because of this. BUT I think being cool with her showing most of the interest is definitely a good thing so long as you move things forward. (As we improve ourselves we just gotta get used to girls being really into us and chasing us a bit)

Warning jadedish section follows: In my experience going back and forth showing interest eventually fizzles out if it does not escalate to me and the girl actually hanging out. So, setting up a time to hang out moves things forward. Showing interest doesn't. Both can go wrong. Maybe if you "ask her out" (more accurately casually invite her to do something with you) it doesn't work out. But if it does: great you guys hang out etc. Showing interest, may not work out and if it does? Wait how does showing interest work out? I don't know... She asks you out?

On top of that, funny enough casually inviting her to hang out is lower risk.... you just friendly like invite her to hang out, if she somehow lost interest or it goes wrong, no big deal you can both play it off like you were just being friendly, even try something again in the future..... Showing interest on the other hand, so the goal is to make it really obvious that you are showing interest? That could actually end up with a higher risk, if it's not received well that could be awkward and if it is well you still have to set up a hang out, or it can fizzle. That happened to me in school, I was very outspoken etc. I would flirt with a bunch of girls, many were interested in me but I didn't escalate to hanging out with any of them eventually they all kind of got tired of it and lost interest and even found me annoying( not saying that'll happen)

Warning even more jadedish/ machiavellian sounding section: I mean you're kind of in a great position. She is the one signaling interest, you are just returning the interest and are in the position to smoothly set up a hang out with her, with basically zero risk on the downside and most likely on the upside her being really excited about it. It's kind of actually kind of good if the girl thinks she is more interested in you then you are in her....

"OMG I really like blueheronfan.... do you think he likes me?"
"OMG I tried to flirt with him and he was friendly I think he might, but I am not sure?! : ) ?!?!"
"He invited me to a concert he was going to!!! OMG!!!! I bet he likes me?! What should I wear?! Do I look cute?! Wait but what if he only wants to be friends? OMG! I better be early and answer all his texts"

VS
"Wow I really liked blueheronfan and he is clearly really into me, he showed lots of interest"
"Well thats nice he likes me, I guess he's pretty cute"
"Hmm he invited me to a concert.... hmmm I think I'll go, oh what's happening on social media any parties? I could always reschedule with him, he's sooo into me"

LOL sorry that is me being jaded a bit, but I have found especially now a days if I seem to be more into a girl then she is into me it doesn't go as well. (Not saying to be a robot/ sociopath) but also it can be good to get used to being the "desired one" rather then like we have to get girls to like us/ chase them (let the girl like you).

PLUS this is not all selfish, it's actually super super awesome for the girl if you let her like you and be into you and just move things forward and don't have to tip the balance back into you chasing her (which so many of us guys do as a habit and are actually more comfortable with) The whole process'll be real exciting and if you guys end up in a relationship she'll feel really good about it.

« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 10:24:15 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Do or die

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #562 on: September 25, 2019, 11:22:40 PM »
Great my friend. 200 days is an motivation for me. i am badly relapsing from last 2 months. today i am at day 9. i am really inspired from you. Rebooter who is at my place is  dream about success like you. congratulations for you present and future rebooted life.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #563 on: September 26, 2019, 05:58:50 PM »

Pre warning Disclaimer

Warning jadedish section follows:

Warning even more jadedish/ machiavellian sounding section:


Haha! Thanks, quit! Don't sell yourself short: that's good advice! I definitely don't want to string her along. I'm thinking if anything is going to happen at all, it will probably have to happen in the next week or two. Maybe that's too long,  but I don't know. At least part of my current non-hurry is because being in a hurry backfired on me so badly last year. I guess I figure it will work out if it's supposed to and won't if it's not. All I can do is give it my best and hope for the best. But I think you're exactly right: keeping things moving is important. Just showing interest without acting on it can be confusing and counterproductive in the end. I don't think there's anything jaded about that.

In related news, I found out that I can get free tickets to the local art museum through my school. So that has moved to the top of my list of potential options. I guess I'm not looking for the "right" moment to make it happen, but just a good one (i.e. not putting her on the spot in front of people). I guess the only thing to do is find out what happens (and remind my brain that taking far off adventures in our imaginary future is not especially helpful at this point lol).

In less related news, I finished my paper. It took longer than I hoped but not as long as I feared. But I'm still feeling pretty worn out after two days of staying up late to work on it. Plus I went too long between lunch and dinner today, so it didn't make for a very pleasant day.

But now I'm back home, I've had dinner, and I just have a little bit of reading to finish up tonight for class tomorrow. Just one more day and I can leave this stressful week behind. Good riddance!

On to bigger and better things!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #564 on: September 26, 2019, 06:45:30 PM »
"Just showing interest without acting on it can be confusing and counterproductive in the end."

Yeah I've done that many times in the past.  It's frustrating for everyone involved.  Be clear, that's better :)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #565 on: September 27, 2019, 07:49:09 AM »
Great job getting the paper done!

What you said sounds pretty solid. Not hurrying too much. Yeah, get it done. But it doesn't need to be like some OMG I gotta run this girl down and abruptly invite her to hang out kinda deal.

It might help to actually get the tickets, like plan a time to go to the museum, so it's already in your head. So you can literally plan to go yourself and then say to her like "I am going, why don't you join me" or whatever.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #566 on: September 27, 2019, 07:20:51 PM »
"Just showing interest without acting on it can be confusing and counterproductive in the end."

Yeah I've done that many times in the past.  It's frustrating for everyone involved.  Be clear, that's better :)

Thanks! I definitely don't want to frustrate anyone. I'm going to see if I'll get a chance to be clear sometime this weekend (there's a decent chance we'll cross paths Sunday, so who knows?)

Great job getting the paper done!

What you said sounds pretty solid. Not hurrying too much. Yeah, get it done. But it doesn't need to be like some OMG I gotta run this girl down and abruptly invite her to hang out kinda deal.

It might help to actually get the tickets, like plan a time to go to the museum, so it's already in your head. So you can literally plan to go yourself and then say to her like "I am going, why don't you join me" or whatever.

Thanks! I actually like that idea. I'll pick them up maybe sometime next week when I'm back on campus. Then it's just a plan I have anyway, and she's welcome to come if she wants (and why wouldn't she?) Plus, since they're free it won't cost me anything if it doesn't work out this time. Solid advice.

Today felt long
But it was fine. Not too much happened, just school and work. I met up with a friend after work, and we hung out for a little.

I'm glad it's the weekend. This week was so crazy I got behind on some housekeeping things (like cooking and laundry), so I have some catching up to do. Luckily, the weekend should be pretty quiet, so I should be able to get caught up.

Keep on keepin' on, and let's have a great weekend!


squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #567 on: September 27, 2019, 07:22:33 PM »
Great work blue, enjoy the weekend!  Any cool recipes you try lately?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #568 on: September 28, 2019, 06:05:36 PM »
Hey thanks!

Nothing too exciting on the recipe front lately. I really like banana bread, but I never have extra bananas (I eat them too fast), so I bought some extra bananas today specifically for baking with later in the week. That's something to look forward to.

Beyond that, today was (finally!) pretty chill. I went shopping, did some cleaning, meditated, hung out. It hasn't been maybe as productive as I would wish, but I also didn't have a really solid plan going into the day today, so I never really got started with a lot of steam. But I'm okay with that: this last week was crazy, so I feel good about taking it easier today. If I can, I might as well.

Keep on going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #569 on: September 28, 2019, 08:58:57 PM »
Mmmm banana bread sounds awesome. Well it's cool that you can have a pretty good day even without planning much, that itself is a big sign of progress.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #570 on: September 28, 2019, 10:46:17 PM »
Hey thanks!

Nothing too exciting on the recipe front lately. I really like banana bread, but I never have extra bananas (I eat them too fast), so I bought some extra bananas today specifically for baking with later in the week. That's something to look forward to.

Beyond that, today was (finally!) pretty chill. I went shopping, did some cleaning, meditated, hung out. It hasn't been maybe as productive as I would wish, but I also didn't have a really solid plan going into the day today, so I never really got started with a lot of steam. But I'm okay with that: this last week was crazy, so I feel good about taking it easier today. If I can, I might as well.

Keep on going!

That's great blue, rooting for you!  Banana bread is super good and so is cranberry bread.  Have you tried that?

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #571 on: September 29, 2019, 05:13:58 PM »
Hey BlueHeronFan,

You've come a long way my friend! That milestone you've reached is just awesome!!! I'm so happy for you.

I've haven't been here for a while and decided to come back mainly for support and to see you're success is really inspiring. If I'm correct you are at day 204 and that is something to be proud of :)

Again I'm really happy for you. Keep pushing, my friend and stay strong!!!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #572 on: September 29, 2019, 06:36:41 PM »
Mmmm banana bread sounds awesome. Well it's cool that you can have a pretty good day even without planning much, that itself is a big sign of progress.

Thanks! I haven't thought about it that way, but you're right. Planning my day is an addiction-survival strategy (and I'm definitely not going to give it up), but it is encouraging to realize that I can fumble my way through a day without falling into urges/PMO. Thanks for the insight!

That's great blue, rooting for you!  Banana bread is super good and so is cranberry bread.  Have you tried that?

Thanks, man! I haven't even heard of cranberry bread, but it sounds awesome! Definitely going to put it on my list. (I found a recipe for butternut squash bread that I definitely want to try once the weather gets colder.) Cranberry bread also sounds like a great fall food.

Hey BlueHeronFan,

You've come a long way my friend! That milestone you've reached is just awesome!!! I'm so happy for you.

I've haven't been here for a while and decided to come back mainly for support and to see you're success is really inspiring. If I'm correct you are at day 204 and that is something to be proud of :)

Again I'm really happy for you. Keep pushing, my friend and stay strong!!!

Hey, man, it's awesome to hear from you again! The support here is a life-saver, welcome back! I'm always really grateful to hear that my story has been inspiring. I never would have imagined that this addiction and recovery journey could be anything but my darkest secret. Thank you for reminding that it is giving me a chance to understand other people's struggles and to encourage them on the same road that I'm walking. Really, thanks for the support!

Today I got so close...

...to setting up a date!

I mentioned earlier that my one goal for this weekend was to communicate my interest to this girl that I've been getting to know lately. Well, I decided that I was going to start by just asking if I could sit with her at church today. (I always feel like I'm invading people's personal space, but I figured that was my own imagination and not a real thing.) She said yes, so I sat down. There's not really a lot of time to talk during church, but when it was over, we got to talking. We started talking about the days off from school that are coming up in a couple weeks, and she asked if I had any plans. I was just like, "Oh, I'm thinking about going to art museum." And she said that she loves art museums. And then I went on high alert, thinking "I did not plan for this to happen, but this is the time to invite her!"

Right when I was about to, though, someone interrupted and said that I was needed in another part of the building for something, and I was trying to be like "I'll be there in a minute." But it couldn't wait, and she was cool about it and said I should go take care of it, so I did. So the date isn't set, but the idea is out there and it really sounds like she's open to it. So I'll just have to make it happen for real the next time I run into her. Whenever that is.

Not really a perfect outcome, but definitely encouraging. It's starting to feel like there might be something there. Way too early to go crazy, but definitely worth exploring more.

Today has been a pretty relaxed day after that, just talking to family, cooking, meditating. It's looking like another busy-ish week, but nowhere near as bad as last week. That feels good too.

Let's go have a great tomorrow!

Rebooter2019

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #573 on: September 29, 2019, 06:46:25 PM »
Yeah, I'll try to stay connected and to support as much as I can even though you're in much better "shape" that I am right now. I'll do my best in anycase.

I'm glad to see that you've reached a point where you feel ready to date again. That's a joyful sight, if I can say so :)

Even if you were interrupted and couldn't conclude, you can always propose another time and see if she down(even if she seemed like it)

Wish you the best man!!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #574 on: September 29, 2019, 08:06:45 PM »
Sounds like she's open to it.  Just ask her man, rooting for you!