Author Topic: Not gonna go it alone  (Read 14470 times)

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #500 on: August 31, 2019, 08:10:10 PM »
Nice work blue!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #501 on: September 01, 2019, 09:19:28 PM »
Nice work blue!

Thanks!

Just chugging along still.

I ended up at a little party tonight, and it was fun. I had a good conversation with a girl. Maybe there's something there. Who knows? I have had bad experiences when I have tried to rush things, so I'm not going to push anything at this point. My natural way is more slow and careful, so I'll just go slow and see what happens. If something comes of it, great. If not, also great.

But I ended up staying out later tonight than I wanted. Good thing tomorrow is a holiday, so it shouldn't do too much harm.

Keep on keeping on!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #502 on: September 02, 2019, 05:56:17 PM »
I really didn't sleep well last night. For some reason, my mind was racing all night, so I have sort of been dragging today.

But it was a pretty good day anyway. I spent most of the day working on a hobby project, something I've been putting off for a while. Actually got something done. (Sure, it took longer than I planned on, so there are other things I didn't even start today...but I have to celebrate the small victories along the way.)

Hopefully I sleep better tonight and hit tomorrow with more energy.

Stay strong everyone!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #503 on: September 02, 2019, 08:26:25 PM »
Nice work, what did you do for your hobby today?

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #504 on: September 03, 2019, 06:11:51 PM »
Nice work, what did you do for your hobby today?

Thanks! I've been playing around with video editing, sort of learning my way through it by trial and error. Who knows if it will go anywhere, but it's something I've been enjoying. I like learning, and I like making things. This combines the two.

Another quiet day

Woke up and did some yoga and then went to work. Then I came home and did some reading for class. A part of me wishes that I had more exciting things to write about (I just yawned while typing out this sentence, lol). But I should also be grateful that things are calmer and more under control. What I wouldn't have given for a day like today at the beginning of this year.

Here comes tomorrow!

achilles heel

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #505 on: September 04, 2019, 05:50:17 AM »
I guess a key to your success is your calm way of being grateful for the "normal" and having a reflective but positive attitude towards everyday life. Our addiction is the everlasting search for a new high and accepting to not chase this high again and again is important. Without having any advice as you don't seem to face any major trouble, I am still following your journal as an example on how a life after the addiction might work. Thanks for giving an outstanding example!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #506 on: September 04, 2019, 01:39:30 PM »
Nice one Blue! You are a constant reminder that being clean is possible. Keep on chugging along, as you always say!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #507 on: September 04, 2019, 06:01:47 PM »
I guess a key to your success is your calm way of being grateful for the "normal" and having a reflective but positive attitude towards everyday life. Our addiction is the everlasting search for a new high and accepting to not chase this high again and again is important. Without having any advice as you don't seem to face any major trouble, I am still following your journal as an example on how a life after the addiction might work. Thanks for giving an outstanding example!

Thanks, achilles! I hadn't thought about my new routine as giving up on the constant search for highs, but I think that is a good way to think about it. Learning to accept the normalness of life is an important part in this process. Addiction makes us think that we need the highs just to function, but we really don't.

And also thanks a lot for your continuing support! Sometimes I kind of worry that my journal is getting boring, but I really appreciate the responses. They are as encouraging to me today as they were on day 1!

Nice one Blue! You are a constant reminder that being clean is possible. Keep on chugging along, as you always say!

Thanks so much! It really is possible, and it gets more and more possible as time goes on. I'll keep chugging along if you do!

Another quiet one

Today was mostly for housekeeping (laundry and stuff), but I sometimes like that kind of stuff better than school work. Nobody is grading how I wash my clothes, and it's not about measuring up, just living a more comfortable and organized life. I love stuff like that. Sometimes (always) doing the things we have to do just to "get ahead" can be so exhausting. Maybe someday I can just do the things that I find valuable and not what other people expect of me, but that probably isn't totally realistic either (I don't see myself becoming independently wealthy anytime soon).

Oh well, more school and homework tomorrow. The excitement never ends.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #508 on: September 04, 2019, 10:33:00 PM »
Your journal isn't boring, I like reading it.

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #509 on: September 05, 2019, 04:25:26 PM »
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm thinking I might just take up street fighting lol!

I think you're right about a couple of things. Focusing on just myself is a problem, more than likely. I definitely need to engage with something more deeply. It makes me think: I have set small goals for the day, but I haven't made a plan/schedule. That means that I have a day of good intentions that don't go anywhere. Time to think about making a schedule for myself too.

But I think you're also onto something deeper than that that I'll probably have to think more about. You know, not just keeping busy but making progress. I'm not sure I have a solid idea right now what that means for me. Probably not boxing,  but something like that, something to build confidence and to help me feel more secure. I'll definitely spend some time thinking about what that might be. I think there's something there.

Here is an old post from your jounal.  Did you ever find that thing to make progress on? 

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #510 on: September 05, 2019, 06:39:40 PM »
Thanks for the support, squid! And for the throwback!

Man, I don't know if I have found "the thing," but I have definitely started moving in the right direction, I think. Since May, I have made a couple of good steps forward.

Learning how to do video editing is something that I'm working on, and it's leading me to some satisfying projects that complement my school/career goals.

I have made some changes to the way I track my diet and exercise, which has helped me to finally break through a weight-loss plateau that had me feeling bummed out.

I have also started an online program through my school for helping graduate students think through their career path/options. It has been hard to find time to work on it consistently, but it has been helpful. A lot of the stuff so far has been self-reflection, and it has given me insights into what really gets me excited and what I really want to be doing with my life.

So, no, I haven't really found my "thing," but I'm on a couple of roads that I think will help to get me there.

As for today

Pretty chill. Homework, school, and more homework. It seems like summer is ending and the weather is getting cooler, which is nice.

I got an email from an old friend today, and it was awesome to hear from him. We haven't seen each other since high school, but we have kept in touch on and off for the last 10 or so years. We've both had our ups and downs, but it sounds like he is doing really well now, and that made me really happy.

On an unrelated note, I have started to notice a shift in the way I/my brain have been thinking about women. For as long as I can remember, my entire concern with women has been visual. I have just wanted to see them. Lately, though, I have noticed an even stronger impulse for touch. I don't really mean anything sexual, but I do mean a desire for contact or closeness. It used to just be that I was interested in looking at women, but that doesn't seem so interesting now. I don't know if that's progress or not, but it's definitely new. I don't know if I'm talking about it the right way: I'm definitely not just running around thinking about feeling everyone up. But there is a kind of physical element to attraction now (as opposed to just visual) that I haven't experienced before. Don't know how to feel about it, but I have noticed it.

Here's to a great tomorrow!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #511 on: September 06, 2019, 05:58:32 PM »
Quiet Friday, not much going on.

Class today was good, and work went by pretty quickly. I like quiet nights, and I don't have any reason that I shouldn't just be enjoying a quiet night in tonight, but I can't shake this feeling that I should be doing something different or should be "out there" tonight. But where would I go?

I don't know. I guess I could think about finding a date sometime soon. Part of me wants to and thinks I should, but there's another part of me that really doesn't want to get all tangled up in something after how badly my last relationship ended.

Guess that's a problem for another day, though. I'm too sleepy right now, lol.


sammyboy74

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #512 on: September 06, 2019, 06:55:54 PM »
You should go put yourself out there Blue! I feel like that motivation to socialize and date is one of the major perks of recovery. Even if you don't go to a bar maybe sign up for a dating app if you're not already on one?

Certainly understand the reluctance to date again after a rough breakup, but what's the alternative? Never date again?

Never a better time than now my dude!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #513 on: September 06, 2019, 07:47:10 PM »
That's right sammy!  I'm thinking of going out right now, I'm inspired now.  Happy Friday everyone

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #514 on: September 07, 2019, 06:34:56 PM »
Today is 6 months of no P, no M, no PMO. 6 months ago today, I recommitted in the most serious way that I ever have before.

It's been a crazy half a year and one of the most stressful periods of my life. I sometimes don't know what kind of miracle has allowed me to get through it all without PMO-coping, but here I am.

There have only been two other times in my life when I have been clean for longer, and they were both kind of accidents. Once I had really limited internet access for a long time, and another I was in a relationship and really wanted to be "on my best behavior." But this is the longest I've ever gone just because I want to heal, for my own sake. This has also been my most conscious effort to get and stay clean. The other times were accidents, but this one has been 100% on purpose.

I'm really happy to have made it to this point, but I also know that it's only barely the beginning. I remember reading years ago that recovery only starts to become stable after 2 years of abstinence. Even more recently, I was reading that drug and alcohol addicts who stay sober for 5 years will probably stay sober.

6 months is no magic cure. I still face triggers and urges, and I still have to be careful and deliberate each day. But I will say that the triggers aren't as interesting and the urges aren't as strong as they were a few months ago. They're a lot easier to say no to than they used to be, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to keep this going.

I guess the three most helpful things for me this past 6 months have been:

1. Learning to be kinder to myself. My addiction has just been my brain's misguided effort to help me when I'm in pain. Learning to see myself as a friend and learning to see urges as an attempt to help have made it easier for me to say "no thanks" and to find better ways of dealing with pain. We can't punish ourselves into good behavior.

2. Learning to observe the urges and let them pass. I have been meditating for years, but I have only recently learned how to experience the urge without getting carried away by it. The very first time I made it through a wave of intense urges changed a lot for me. Now I know that they will pass eventually and that giving in is not the only way to get rid of them.

3. Learning to reflect on my own thoughts regularly and connect with other people. This forum has probably been the biggest game-changer for me. It makes all the difference to be able to get my thoughts out of my own head and see what other people think. Plus, I have had the chance to help some people struggling in the same way, which has helped me to see some of the good that is coming from an otherwise awful aspect of my life.

I have been consciously fighting this thing for 10 years. It has been and continues to be difficult, but it's a reminder that the only failures are the quitters. Even if it takes 10 years to scrape together 6 clean months, the fight is worth it. Keep at it!

You should go put yourself out there Blue! I feel like that motivation to socialize and date is one of the major perks of recovery. Even if you don't go to a bar maybe sign up for a dating app if you're not already on one?

Certainly understand the reluctance to date again after a rough breakup, but what's the alternative? Never date again?

Never a better time than now my dude!

Thanks, sammy! Maybe I will think about getting out there. Never dating again definitely isn't the plan, but I also keep telling myself "not yet." I guess I know one or two women I'm interested in. Guess I could give it a shot.

Anyway, other than the big milestone, today has been quiet. I got some good things done and generally took it easy. I've been feeling some waves of sadness the last couple days, mostly at night, mostly about feeling alone in life. (For example, I was cooking, which is something I love doing, but I got stuck thinking about how much more I would love cooking for someone. Took a little tailspin after that, but I slept it off and felt a little better.)

Guess that's all the more reason to get out there!

Tomorrow's a new day! Let's make it a great one!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #515 on: September 08, 2019, 05:16:03 AM »
Fuck man 6 months! This is fucking crazy! I can't believe someone can go 6 months without porn. I could hardly go 40 days. I'm fucking envious man. Anyway, where is the cake?

Free-man

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #516 on: September 08, 2019, 11:23:45 AM »
6 MONTHS! Wow!
Congratulations!!! It's a great milestone.
About 2 years of abstinence is going to very hard for me, I hope forgive this bad habit and focus in other healthier ones forever!
Go for another 6 months at least man!
Cheers!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #517 on: September 08, 2019, 01:18:45 PM »
Well done blue, sending you good vibes and sunshine!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #518 on: September 08, 2019, 08:34:27 PM »
Fuck man 6 months! This is fucking crazy! I can't believe someone can go 6 months without porn. I could hardly go 40 days. I'm fucking envious man. Anyway, where is the cake?

Thanks! But don't feel too envious: like I said, it's taken me about 10 years of trying to find any kind of sustainable path to recovery. I was stuck in monthly relapses for a few years, but I was all on my own. You're ahead of where I was, and you're staying active on the forum and sticking to it!

6 MONTHS! Wow!
Congratulations!!! It's a great milestone.
About 2 years of abstinence is going to very hard for me, I hope forgive this bad habit and focus in other healthier ones forever!
Go for another 6 months at least man!
Cheers!

Thank you! It's very hard to succeed when you set too big of a goal. I have had a much easier time by setting smaller goals (two weeks, 30 days, etc.) and then letting those add up. I definitely didn't sit down and decide to go 6 months. I got there by adding up a lot of smaller milestones. When the goal is too far away, I think it's much easier to get discouraged and relapse. Just keep at it!

Well done blue, sending you good vibes and sunshine!

Thanks as always, squid! I'm always happy to have your good vibes and sunshine!

Not much happened today

I had some plans, but none of them happened. I ended up spending a long time this evening helping a friend with something. There is a part of me that is frustrated, but I'm trying not to listen to it. It's pretty selfish to be upset about getting a chance to help a friend. For the most part, it was a good time. It's just now that I'm looking back on the day and the to-dos that didn't get done that I feel a little upset. But I guess that's why it's important to be flexible (and I'm not very flexible or spontaneous by default): you never know when good opportunities might come along. It's important to make a plan for living but not if that plan stops you from living. (And I'm looking right at myself when I say that!)

Have a great week, everyone!

Lero

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #519 on: September 09, 2019, 06:34:07 AM »
Thanks! But don't feel too envious: like I said, it's taken me about 10 years of trying to find any kind of sustainable path to recovery. I was stuck in monthly relapses for a few years, but I was all on my own. You're ahead of where I was, and you're staying active on the forum and sticking to it!

I don't know how I am doing better than you used to because it's taken me years to get to 40 days.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #520 on: September 09, 2019, 08:37:05 PM »
Thanks! But don't feel too envious: like I said, it's taken me about 10 years of trying to find any kind of sustainable path to recovery. I was stuck in monthly relapses for a few years, but I was all on my own. You're ahead of where I was, and you're staying active on the forum and sticking to it!

I don't know how I am doing better than you used to because it's taken me years to get to 40 days.


I guess we all see things a little differently. At the very least, I was trying to go it alone, and I wasn't really paying attention. I thought I was basically okay, but I had a definite relapse cycle that I thought was random. I guess mostly what I'm saying is that this is a long-term process. We've been at it for years, and we'll have to keep at it for years. Maybe there will come a day when it all goes on autopilot, but I still feel like I'm a long way away from that.  Just stick with it: that's all we can do (and it's worth more than we sometimes give ourselves credit for)!

Kind of a busy day

Not too much to say, can't really complain. For whatever reason, I have been feeling pretty down in the dumps in the evenings lately. It's hard to say why, but it's almost like it's on a schedule. I usually feel better in the morning and throughout the day, but then it hits in the evening. I don't really know what to do about it, or if there is even anything to do. But I guess I'll just keep going and see what's in store. I've gotten through worse, and I'll get through this.

Onward and upward!

brandnewself

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #521 on: September 10, 2019, 12:24:12 AM »
Hey Blue, like everyone else I want to say congratulations first!! 6 months is no easy task and I'm glad you've made it. More importantly, I'd like to say THANK YOU. Reading your posts has become my daily task. I barely post here or on someone else' journal because I feel like I'm not in a position to comment much yet. I'd like to contribute more to this community like you do but I gotta make a good example myself first. The fact that you can reach 6 months is no coincidence. I can see in your journal or your posts to other people how much effort you have given to your reboot. Reading your journal always makes me relieved as I know that there is someone I can follow. I don't want to make you feel pressured by saying this. I simply want to let you know that I'm happy to see you here ;D

Arthur2

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #522 on: September 10, 2019, 03:22:40 PM »
6 months !!

Congratulations sir. This is a beautiful story.

Quote
that the only failures are the quitters.

So true.

Quote
Fuck man 6 months! This is fucking crazy! I can't believe someone can go 6 months without porn. I could hardly go 40 days. I'm fucking envious man. Anyway, where is the cake?

Be courageaous Lero. We can do it.

Quote
Reading your journal always makes me relieved as I know that there is someone I can follow. I don't want to make you feel pressured by saying this. I simply want to let you know that I'm happy to see you here

I think he will appreciate much your kind words.
It is always good to let somebody know when they are a blessing to you.

Thank you blue for showing me that 6 months is really doable.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #523 on: September 10, 2019, 06:09:04 PM »
Hey Blue, like everyone else I want to say congratulations first!! 6 months is no easy task and I'm glad you've made it. More importantly, I'd like to say THANK YOU. Reading your posts has become my daily task. I barely post here or on someone else' journal because I feel like I'm not in a position to comment much yet. I'd like to contribute more to this community like you do but I gotta make a good example myself first. The fact that you can reach 6 months is no coincidence. I can see in your journal or your posts to other people how much effort you have given to your reboot. Reading your journal always makes me relieved as I know that there is someone I can follow. I don't want to make you feel pressured by saying this. I simply want to let you know that I'm happy to see you here ;D

Thanks a ton, brandnewself! Your kind words really brightened my day! It makes me happy to hear that my posts have helped you, and it's always a good thing to see your posts too. No pressure at all, but some good encouragement, so thanks!

Also, speaking of no pressure, you definitely don't need to be an example to make a good contribution to the community. I was really frustrated with myself and addiction when I started here in January, and it took me a few tries (not counting the years and years before I joined here) to get this current streak going. Posting here often and getting my thoughts out of my own head has really made a difference for me. Just post! You never have to "good enough" to do it! (No pressure, lol)

6 months !!

Congratulations sir. This is a beautiful story.

Thanks, Arthur2! It is hard to believe sometimes, but I am very grateful to have found a way to live without porn for an extended period. It is definitely doable!

Today was pretty busy

I felt like I was running around town all day. Then I finally got home starving but didn't have any food on hand so I had to cook something, and that took a while. I had a list of things I wanted to do today, but I was so exhausted I just watched TV while it cooked. I think that's probably okay every once in a while. Sometimes the day doesn't go exactly as planned. I'm not good at being flexible or letting myself do less than I had planned, but I guess today gives me a day to practice. At the very least, I did the job I'm getting paid to do, and that's all I had in me today.

Carry on, everyone!

squid

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Re: Not gonna go it alone
« Reply #524 on: September 10, 2019, 10:28:53 PM »
Yeah blue your journal and posts have made a difference on my journey too.  Keep up the good work!  Man, you are going to find an awesome girl and she'll feel super lucky.