Thanks for keeping me accountable!I did write down a list of things that need to get done this week, and it's in a place where I can see it throughout the day. The morning got away from me a little (a somewhat toxic friend messaged me today and sort of threw me for a loop), though, so I didn't make a very good list just for today. I did catch up on emails, though, so that's something good, I guess. I'm back home a little earlier tonight than usual, so I'm hoping to use that time to make some good progress on a project I've gotten behind on. Oh, but before I forget. I got a clothes catalog in the mail today. I was on the phone and flipping through it sort of mindlessly after it got back inside, and, of course, there was a section for lingerie and one of the models caught my eye. I was on the phone, though, so I set it down and said to myself "I'll get back to that later." I must have been thinking that it would be a freebie that wouldn't count (since it just came in the mail, so it must not be my fault if I look, right?) Thankfully, my phone call lasted long enough for me to get my head back in the game. When I did go back to the catalog, I tore out the coupons in the front cover and threw it away without going back to the underwear models. Even after a few months without a relapse, these little things can still catch you by surprise. That old habit of thought kicked in right away sort of by default, and I feel lucky that I managed to get away from it without giving in. But that's all for now. Here's to another new day!
Oh, but before I forget. I got a clothes catalog in the mail today. I was on the phone and flipping through it sort of mindlessly after it got back inside, and, of course, there was a section for lingerie and one of the models caught my eye. I was on the phone, though, so I set it down and said to myself "I'll get back to that later." I must have been thinking that it would be a freebie that wouldn't count (since it just came in the mail, so it must not be my fault if I look, right?) Thankfully, my phone call lasted long enough for me to get my head back in the game. When I did go back to the catalog, I tore out the coupons in the front cover and threw it away without going back to the underwear models. Even after a few months without a relapse, these little things can still catch you by surprise. That old habit of thought kicked in right away sort of by default, and I feel lucky that I managed to get away from it without giving in.
You, me and all the others here won't be "normal" no matter how long we stay clean, we must be prepared for those unexpected challenges and not let little thoughts develop into dangerous situations. Just keep going and keep inspiring!
Nice work dude, stay strong and keep swimming!
Blue, you're killing it. You bump into triggers but you don't relapse. This is the ultimate accomplishment.
Good to see you made it past the trigger and good to know how even after 5 months staying very aware is absolutely neccessary. Every time you say "No!" you become stronger and will remember your decision when facing similar situations in the future. You, me and all the others here won't be "normal" no matter how long we stay clean, we must be prepared for those unexpected challenges and not let little thoughts develop into dangerous situations. Just keep going and keep inspiring!
This is very important. Too much P abuse has led to the creation of a pathway in the brain. That won't go away. It's the memory of your relationship with P. You will walk away from P, you won't crave it anymore, you won't have withdrawal anymore but taste it again and you will remember how it used to be. And the brain always remembers the fun part, it won't remember how shit you felt drowning in P. It's the perfect situation to go back to the road of perdition. Always careful, like day 1.
This is all true but also normal doesn't exist. Whenever I compare myself to someone else it always make me feel bad because I know all the inner workings and secrets of my past - more than anyone else on earth. And I only know a sliver of another person, the sliver they want to show me. We must always be careful but also, our challenges make us strong!
m realizing that I lose a lot of steam in the transitions between tasks/activities. Like I spend way too much time after I eat building up the courage to wash the dishes, or I spend way too much time getting out of bed after I've woken up. Or I might say that I'll put on a YouTube video while I wash the dishes and then spend way too much time just looking for a video to watch while I do the dishes. And I could have just washed them and been on to something else in a fraction of the time. Something I want to get more under control for sure.
Thanks a lot, man! Always great to hear from you, and I appreciate the support.One of the roads I drive on pretty regularly has a strip club on it. For a long time, the sign out front sort of held my imagination captive whenever I go by, trying to think about what it must be like in there. Typical fantasy stuff. More recently, though, I have been warning myself ahead of time: You're getting close to that place, just don't obsess about it and think about something else. No fantasies, but still sort of wanting to fantasize. Today, though, I was driving by and saw it out of the corner of my eye, and I was like, Oh yeah, that's there. Whatever. It didn't even register emotionally today, and it has been a source of turbulent feelings in the past. Could just have been a fluke, but I hope it's a sign of progress, and maybe I'll even get to the point one day where any trigger or urge for porn makes me say "Whatever" instead of "Oh no, be careful!" (Not that I want to let my guard down, but just that ignoring triggers can become more of a default than a deliberate thing.)Aside from that, today was pretty chill. I got some work, just not as much as I had hoped. I'm realizing that I lose a lot of steam in the transitions between tasks/activities. Like I spend way too much time after I eat building up the courage to wash the dishes, or I spend way too much time getting out of bed after I've woken up. Or I might say that I'll put on a YouTube video while I wash the dishes and then spend way too much time just looking for a video to watch while I do the dishes. And I could have just washed them and been on to something else in a fraction of the time. Something I want to get more under control for sure. Tomorrow's another day, let's make it a great one!
Same with me, I never noticed it before because pmo hid it but yeah it's that habit of hiding in something digitally pleasant and entertaining. I think it might be okay if it's not interfering with your art and passions, but if it is, it isn't cool.
I think less about the situation and more about how to keep doing it right. Anyway, a strip club shouldn't be a problem for you. Get inside! It's the real thing, not a screen! Ha Ha! I'm kidding (or not).
Ew strip clubs, I'd be careful about going in those. Personally I stay away, they make me uncomfortable. Keep up the good work blue!
You're doing great, and everything I've been reading in your journal shows so much commitment and self-awareness, and it's really impressive and inspiring. Keep it up!
Always a pleasure to read your journal man, very relatable (especially with the transitions and Youtube) and continues to motivate and inspire me. One compromise I've made with myself recently: if I transition right from a meal to work right away, I can feel good about taking little pockets of time in the middle of my work to take mental breaks, thus making the work more effective and efficient. Keep it up!
Great work. Morning exercises give me so much energy
Quiet day today. Worked on some projects throughout the day, took some time relax, not much to it.A wave of sadness sort of overtook me this afternoon. It's a little better now, but it's hard to say what triggered it. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just still not where I want to be in life and I'm just not sure what to do about it. Guess all I can do (like I told myself earlier this week lol) is to take it a day at a time.I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I have a social event to go to that could be really good (or really a waste). The only way to find out is to go and see what happens. Fingers crossed!
You know, I spend a lot of time worrying about the purpose or direction for my life. I can't figure all that out, but I can figure out a purpose or direction for each day. If I can just focus on making each day great, I can probably end up having a life that is too.
A wave of sadness sort of overtook me this afternoon. It's a little better now, but it's hard to say what triggered it. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just still not where I want to be in life and I'm just not sure what to do about it. Guess all I can do (like I told myself earlier this week lol) is to take it a day at a time.I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I have a social event to go to that could be really good (or really a waste). The only way to find out is to go and see what happens. Fingers crossed!
I really hope the social event went well for you!