Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 11919 times)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #225 on: August 15, 2019, 10:37:08 AM »
Day 193

I take back a little of what I said. The PMO withdrawals are still causing me some trouble now that I've thought about it. I feel as though it still affects the quality of my sleep, along with some of my cognitive functioning and moods. Sadly, 193 days into my reboot, porn is still a factor in my life. I am still going through withdrawals and all that nonsense. Let this serve as a lesson to everybody: this shit is serious, it's long lasting, and it affects just about everything.

Fuck man, just when I thought I was through the tunnel, I get a day like today, where my brain feels like it's being attacked by a trebuchet that launches brain nullifiers.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #226 on: January 07, 2020, 12:38:37 PM »
Doesn't matter which day:

I'm back after a long, long hiatus. I'm experiencing pretty shitty withdrawals today, and it affects me in so many different ways. My confidence is low, I'm combative, my aura is negative, I'm feeling depressed, I feel as if death is right around the corner, I'm jealous, I'm wrathful. The list goes on and on and on. And the only way through it all is time. And it doesn't seem fair to me. I was fucking twelve years old when I first looked at porn, and it was because of my innocence that I didn't know how harmful it was. I mean, what the fuck? Other addictions don't have such long periods of withdrawals. It fuckin' blows.

My therapist told me to journal here every day, so I'm going to try and stick to that. I do need some kind of outlet for all of these negative thoughts that I'm having.

My biggest issue with all of this is that it makes it so fucking difficult to be around people. I hate displaying a version of myself that I'm not proud of, and this addiction constantly has me delivering a package that is unsatisfactory. I consider myself an alpha male of sorts, but this horse shit has me playing the role of a beta. It pains me so much to feel submissive to another man who isn't half the person I am, but it seems to be happening to me routinely. At least I've come to realize how much of a leader I can be, because, for the longest time, I never thought of myself as one. This addiction hides so much about myself, including some form of mental illness, either bipolar 2 or depression. The withdrawals throw me off because I can't accurately gauge what my baseline is. I simply do not know what a normal version of myself looks like. The damage done to my brain is so severe that I'm afraid it will take years before I can have an accurate depiction.

This addiction has been at the center of my life for longer than it hasn't, and that, finally, has to change. I don't want it running things anymore. I want to be the one in the driver's seat.

Anyways, I just have to keep going, and to try and be honest with people about how bad I'm feeling. I wish that there was some kind of end in sight, but it doesn't feel that way. I still have a lot more pain to endure.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #227 on: January 08, 2020, 09:16:24 AM »
Hey zander,

i know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes i feel like porn robes me from my best years and that ot killed a relationsship with a girl i really liked. I feel like destiny just fucked me and causes me so much emotional pain, i can not stand.
But ive come to the conclusion, that i cant keep staying in this mind set. Yes, it feels so unfair, but weve got a situation, where we are still able to turn things around. And this is not to be taken for granted. And this is only possible, when we stop blaming the world or the universe for what we got into and stop being a victim. This is hard, i admit it and i often still have to remind myself of it, but we can and will heal from this im sure.
This doesnt change, that we will still be in pain and that it will be hard, but it helps to accept it, at least for me it does.
When i feel like i loose all hope, i just try envision what things i will be doing, when my pied is healed and when im done with all this shit and that gives me strenght to keep going. And i know when ive fought this fight all my other problems with women, friends, career, procrastination and being happy wont be this big of a deal anymore.
Just remind yourself, how life will be when you killed this porn shit and let this give you the hope to keep going.
Stay strong, you will make it.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2020, 09:26:42 AM by Jeks »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #228 on: January 08, 2020, 04:34:22 PM »
Day: Doesn't Matter

I feel better today. I received a blow job last night and although it made me feel a little sluggish this morning, I hope that it helps me rewire myself. I've also had sex about 5 times in the past several days, which has also given me some encouragement. But I still have more of the path to traverse. I still see some pretty terrible days/nights in my future, which is just something I'll have to deal with when they get here. I need to enjoy the good times, even if they aren't perfect. This rebooting stuff, for me, has taken a fucking eternity, but what else can I do but take advantage of the times when I'm close to contented.

I don't regret bitching yesterday because those were words that I needed to drain out of my brain, like how a tap does to a maple tree. There's nothing wrong with writing down exactly how I feel, because it's important to get it out of my system, and to be authentic about what's going on. During those times of utter dopamine desolation, I just need to survive. No amount of reframing is going to change the unavoidable fact that, during those times, I feel like dog shit.

Like I said, I feel not bad today. My nuts are a little shrunken, and my mind is fairly cloudy, but other than that, I'm inching towards a baseline. Which is my ultimate goal at this point--figuring out who I am without addiction and withdrawals. I'm scared of how severe my mental illness is without the numbing agent that is porn, because, deep down, I'm afraid that it will affect my ability to succeed in life. I still have big dreams for the future, and it would be hard for me to have to compromise. I shouldn't catastrophize, but I've long ago trained myself to expect the worst, because the higher the expectations, the longer and harder the fall. I need to prepare for whatever lies ahead, and to be ready to accept that Bipolar is a serious disease that will take a lot of work to overcome, or at least deal with.

Poetry has become important to me over the past month or so, and I'm afraid that my meds will interfere with my creativity. Yet another worry that I have. Only time will reveal where things are at, and what life is like without PMO and its immediate absence (withdrawals).

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #229 on: January 10, 2020, 12:50:53 PM »
Withdrawals are so bad right now I feel like I'm going to die.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #230 on: January 10, 2020, 06:22:19 PM »
To expand on my previous post, the withdrawals I experienced today are some of the worst I've ever had. I just hope that tomorrow is better than today was, and that more happiness is on the other side of this abyss.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #231 on: January 11, 2020, 04:42:03 PM »
Day: It Doesn't Matter

My morning/early afternoon (up to 2:30) was pretty darn good, but my late afternoon has been rough. I'm most definitely in it for the long haul. I don't really know what else to say.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #232 on: January 13, 2020, 04:52:49 PM »
Day: It Doesn't Matter

I've realized that what I'm experiencing is PAWS, or post acute withdrawal symptoms. They always come at ~3pm and last until ~7pm. They mirror the symptoms of depression completely. I don't know how long it will take for them to dissipate, but I'm ready for the long haul. There's nothing else I can do besides move forward, and not relapse.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #233 on: January 14, 2020, 12:20:00 PM »
Really bad PAWS this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression. I just don't know where the PAWS end and my mental illness begins. All I know is that I cannot afford to relapse. I, so badly, want to figure out where my baseline is. It might take years, but I CAN NEVER GIVE UP. I strongly considered suicide earlier this year, and I never want to go there again.

I need to cherish the good times and to remember that the depressions will end. I'm just scared about the fact that my life has taken a more melancholic tone the past couple weeks. I don't want to feel like this all the time, I need a reprieve, a good solid chunk of joy and contentment. I haven't had something like that in FUCKING YEARS.

At this point I don't know how far my relapses have taken me back, but I hope they haven't reset my totally. I've worked so fucking hard to beat this thing. The PAWS are my only threat to total abstinence, so I need to remind myself, over and over again, that they will end, at that a ray of sunshine, at some point, will slip through the cracks.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #234 on: January 14, 2020, 04:34:16 PM »
What I noticed about PAWS for me:

I experience the depression in "waves". And I've figured out that the "waves" hit me during the same exact times that I last binged. I did so much fucking damage to my brain over a couple of binge sessions that I'm still paying the price for it (it was close to a year ago).

The depressions are so deep that all I can do is make sure that I don't scream out in agony.

And the worst part is that I can't tell people about it in any way that makes sense. There are no major scientific discoveries being reported on PMO PAWS, nor is there much info on PMO addiction to begin with. Even my therapist doesn't fully buy into what's going on with me.

I'm being negative right now because I'm still in one of those PAWS waves, but I don't really care. I just want them to be fucking over with.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #235 on: January 16, 2020, 04:14:33 PM »
PAWS stinks, but at least my mornings and evenings are pretty fun. All in all, I like to think that things are on the upswing, at least a little. The pain still blows, and lasts a long time, but at least I know that it will end. It's very unlike depression in that regard.

Anyways, I'm experiencing some PAWS right now and feel a strong sense of doom/anxiety, along with straight up depression. It'll probably last until 6-7pm, and then I'll be able to enjoy the rest of the evening (hopefully).

Bottom line is that I can't let PAWS cause me to relapse. I've worked way, way too fucking hard to let myself slip up.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #236 on: January 17, 2020, 01:20:44 PM »
A lot of anxiety/depression is occurring within me right now. One of these days I'm going to experience bliss for a whole day, but I don't know how far away that day is going to be. I need some kind of reprieve from all of these mental symptoms, because they are grinding me down to a nub.

What can I say? I have a lot of self pity right now. Fuckin' whatever. At least I'm honest about how much this shit sucks. I, as a young boy/man, made the mistake of bingeing porn, and relapses have made it so I'm still suffering from the consequences. There's not much else to say. I just need to stay strong, though as I type those words they feel empty, because my strength is waning. It's just very hard to be me right now.

Another thing I want to add is the sense of doom I feel during PAWS. I feel as if death is right around the corner for me, and that it will be a painful, tragic death. I also feel a if Life is empty and meaningless. And no, I don't think it's depression. I'm on meds for that. It's just the fucking PAWS.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #237 on: January 19, 2020, 10:13:58 AM »
PAWS still hitting me hard, though it's intermittent. I have good moments here and there. The sex and BJs I had were, most definitely, detrimental to my recovery, and I'm now going out of my way to avoid them with the girl that I'm seeing. My addiction factors into sex, and the lust I feel is akin to the tunnel vision I experience when approaching a PMO session. Obviosuly, my brain still isn't ready for orgasms, and I have to listen to it.

In the end, just gotta keep going. I need to find my baseline.