Author Topic: Trekking to Freedom  (Read 9196 times)

Iloveicecream

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #125 on: September 02, 2019, 01:25:05 AM »
you have an excellent attitude. Keep it up!!!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #126 on: September 03, 2019, 02:37:21 AM »
Thanks for your comment and encouragement iloveicecream.

So today is the first day back to school and work for the rest of the family which means it’s the first day for me for a few weeks when I’m in the home-office with no one else around the house. This in itself is a bit of a trigger, but I hope that being aware of this and following good habits should enable me to steer clear of the slippery slope that leads to PMO.

Good luck everyone. Remember we do have a choice.

Iloveicecream

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #127 on: September 03, 2019, 06:32:52 AM »
Big Mog. Go running:) - if you Exercice a lot, you will Forget About pmo....or do some Boxing.....I do Boxing and after Boxing my mind is Always cleared...

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #128 on: September 03, 2019, 12:23:47 PM »
Hi BigMog, strongly concur with your earlier comment about the urge to celebrate the work victory with a "fix."  I also had a recent (and believe me, rare) unexpected victory at work and the next thing you know I was in a battle to fight off the p-subs.  The bottom line is that even good times can knock us off balance-it isn't just the bad times.  Keep up the good fight!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #129 on: September 21, 2019, 11:27:50 AM »
Thanks for the responses Iloveicecream and Jixu,
Yes, positive emotions, negative emotions, boredom can all cause me to be tempted and sometimes the strong urges seem to come out of nowhere. After a good start to the year, things have gone down hill a bit and I seem to be only managing 2-3 weeks before a fall. Having said that, I usually get a hint when I’m vulnerable, for example (stress) again at work and today a social event which for me didn’t go as well as I’d hoped and my wife being unwell and moody.
It seems to me that the PMO contributes to the work and social issues, so of course to use it to medicate for feeling stressed about them would be the worst possible course.
I’m hoping that posting here and the usual routine of reading, mindfulness and keeping myself busy with positive actions and activities will help this time.
I noticed in another thread a little while back someone saying that it was tiring working on the addiction. I agree. Much of the time I would rather not think about it, but I believe I have to work on it in some way every day or I forget that I’m in a long war and my resolve lessens. Then there’s a danger of stepping on to the slippery slope.

10 Days Clean. Keep trekking everybody.


BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #130 on: September 22, 2019, 03:48:06 AM »
So I had a minor victory last night.

Family were  all in bed asleep by mid evening. I had strong urges to remove the protection on my IT and look at something softcore, but of course we all know where that would lead.  I could feel and recognise that my whole body was kind of mildly electrified as it is sometimes when the cravings hit. However, I was able to slightly detach myself from the feelings, did a 10 minute mindfulness session (“Coping with Cravings”) on the app I use, read a few “Uncle Bob’s Porn Recovery Inspiration” pages on YBOP and then listened to one of Gary Wilson’s radio show recordings. By the end of this the cravings had dissipated and in fact I dozed off. (No disrespect intended to GW’s radio show).

On previous occasions I have either given in straight away or tried distraction activities (watching a recording of a tv program from a series I’m interested in, going to bed and trying to read, even going for a short walk in the dark) but always afterwards, the urge is still there in the background ready to come to the surface and hit hard again either within minutes or hours or the next day.

I’m not saying that I was able to logically reason my way out of a lapse and a binge it just seemed that on this particular occasion this sequence of actions appeared to be more effective than what I’ve done previously. Perhaps the key was that I was (just) able to distance myself or consciously separate myself from the urges whilst in the middle of them and follow the sequence of actions. I think in the past I’ve had good routines in place for avoiding urges and cravings and hopefully generally improving my life e.g. more exercise, more socialising, more attentiveness to family and general, gentle self improvement but I’ve been undone when I get hit hard by the cravings. Now, at least I have a possible template for what to do when they do hit.

This is definitely not a magic bullet and I’ve not suddenly turned the corner into a blissful life of no PMO, but I wanted to record it to reinforce in my memory what actually worked on one occasion. Performing the actions in the sequence I used was time consuming, but not a massive effort. It felt a bit like using machine guns, howitzers and grenades to destroy a cockroach, but if that’s what it takes then I’ll go with it.

If you’ve read this far, thank you for your patience. Of course I realise that :
“Man Succeeds in Avoiding PMO on a Saturday Night” is not really headline news but maybe it’s a small indication that I’m heading in the right direction.  ;)

Keep trekking, good people.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2019, 11:24:44 AM by BigMog »

cranm329

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #131 on: September 22, 2019, 02:44:24 PM »
Well done BigMog. Encouraging advice.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #132 on: September 23, 2019, 04:19:36 AM »
I hope you still feel good about yourself, BigMog. It was a victory. Nothing wrong with celebrating that for yourself. Congrats! And hopefully it's a process that can work for you again in the future.

idunno

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #133 on: September 23, 2019, 12:04:18 PM »
I like the headline, it's something that's real news for us, each time we make a positive decision, or get through a sticky situation, that we would have been incapable of just a short time ago. Newsworthy to us!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #134 on: October 16, 2019, 04:02:54 PM »
Well I had a success and then some stress and then some other stuff happened so I had a couple of fails.
But of course my over-emotional reaction to stress and events is I’m sure to an extent a result of my unbalanced brain due to the neurological changes induced by the PMO. So I just have to work hard to get into a virtuous cycle of no PMO, a healthier brain e.g. a better functioning pre-frontal cortex and, as a result, more resilience to the lure of PMO.
Easy really! ;)
I’m hanging on to the memory of the weekend where I was well and truly triggered and craving crazily but was able to pull out of it and stay clean for several days afterwards. Although I failed several days later, that was the first time I can ever remember crawling back up the funnel when I had slipped so far down it, so I hope that means something.
Keep trekking everyone.
5 Days Clean

cranm329

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #135 on: October 16, 2019, 08:15:00 PM »
Amazing progress BigMog. Reversing the cycle is almost impossible but you achieved it.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #136 on: October 19, 2019, 06:50:20 AM »
Thanks for the support cranm.
Yes, although I’ve slipped since, at least I’ve managed to escape from that situation once, so I hope I can again if i’m ever careless enough to get into it in the future.
One observation I have of myself is that there is often a period of time after a few days of abstinence where I feel more calm and focused than usual. Strangely, I find I concentrate better at work. This comes after the period of misery and exhaustion immediately after a binge and before the intermittent mood swings that come a bit later.
I hope a longer version of this calm, balanced feeling may be something I can look forward to if I can break this binge/abstinence cycle and go PMO-free for several months.
I know I have lot to do before I get to that stage. Anyway all OK for the moment.

Keep up the good work folks.

8 Days Clean.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #137 on: November 25, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
Gosh, hadn’t realised I’d left it so long since last posting. Mainly had runs of 2-3 weeks, then slipped. Some of the stress at work has lessened so I’m hoping this will give me a respite from at least one of my triggers. I’ve tightened up some of my precautions that prevent a casual slip up and I really would have to put effort into accessing porn now. At the same time I need to focus on the good habits that keep me clean.
I felt myself triggered just now which was one of my reasons for writing this post.
Good luck all!

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #138 on: November 27, 2019, 06:51:17 AM »
Glad to hear you caught a little break from work-hope that can continue for you through the holidays!  Keep racking up the clean days, and of course, keep trekking!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #139 on: December 03, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Thanks Jixu, you too!
I’m at the stage of a streak where things can begin to get difficult for me. Libido has recovered from the last binge and the chimp part of my brain is beginning to grumble, for example, moaning about me being in a sexless marriage due to wife’s ill health and other factors.
What I’m doing the same as previously is keeping busy, making plans, meditating which I hope helps me be aware of my thoughts and emotions so I don’t necessarily get caught up in them. I’m also generally looking after myself with exercise and sociability.
What I’m doing differently is coming here to post when I’m triggered, which seems to help a bit, but otherwise to only come here once a week or at a milestone. We’ll see how it goes.
Keep trekking everyone!

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #140 on: December 07, 2019, 05:30:35 PM »
Well it’s Saturday night and the rest of the family are in bed. I’ve been a bit under the weather for a few days, not sure whether it’s a virus or I’ve just eaten something that’s disagreed with me. Pressure has mounted again at work and tonight I’m feeling triggered and found myself beginning to look for things I should stay away from.
Hence, I’ve come here to log it in the hope that by doing that it helps me to come to my senses. I’m on a 15 day streak and I haven’t got past about 20 days for the last eight months. I really want to get back on track.
I’ll do a few chores and then head to bed.
Keep trekking everyone.


warp4

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #141 on: December 18, 2019, 01:36:09 AM »
Hey Mog, hope you are still trekking along.  Best to you.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #142 on: December 21, 2019, 07:27:36 AM »
Hi Warp,
Many thanks for checking in on me. Yes I’m still here, though sometimes it feels like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back!
I’ve completed seven days and things are going ok with no urges and I’m glad to have finished work for Christmas. My stress from work has reduced in recent weeks  and I seem to have had a good appraisal from management so that helps me feel good about myself.
Stress and despondency seem to be triggers but sometimes I’m triggered for no particular reason. The random triggers tend to happen when I’ve been clean for around a couple of weeks and are harder to cope with if I haven’t been meditating and keeping vigilant. It’s almost as if I forget that I have a PMO problem and slip down into the funnel without taking stock. Anyway I’m trying to keep busy, focused and vigilant and nurturing myself to keep on the straight and narrow.
I’ve also made even more barriers to easily accessing porn which at least give me a bit more time to come to my senses if I’m triggered.
Keep trekking everyone!

joepanic

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #143 on: December 21, 2019, 11:44:00 AM »
Hey Big Mog


    glad to see your really thinking about thing  Its Saturday  what do ya have planned tfor the day  what things you always wanted to do but lossed out on because of P   Think of a few and go and do 1   Think outside the box if you need to  Think about how later today you can look back on the day and say "hey  I had just the kind of day I always wanted "

    Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #144 on: December 24, 2019, 12:00:46 PM »
Thanks Joe,

I’m still trekking. Yes, thanks for the good advice; I’m aiming to use each day well. I usually have a list of tasks but also more pleasurable or nurturing activities to ensure I stay occupied and on the straight and narrow.

Best wishes to all for Christmas and New Year.

Keep Trekking!

10 Days Clean.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #145 on: January 02, 2020, 11:08:01 AM »
I did a review of how many lapses I’ve had and how much time I’ve spent in the grip of PMO during the year. I guess I’m a bit geeky his way and I have quite a bit of data in Excel including graphs of various parameters. The long and the short of it is that 2019 was no better than 2018 although it started off well. Part of this lack of progress may be due to additional stress at work and other factors which ramped up last year. However it does indicate that to really make progress I need to change something or add something new to my regime.
Hence I’m also joining an online, commercial program with an app that gives me several small training and evaluation tasks to do every week and regularly prompts me to engage with it. Since one of my weaknesses is that I’m not consistent with my journaling and other good habits, being prompted and also getting “rewards” for small achievements may help. I’m also seriously considering getting some professional counselling for a period to help give my recovery an extra boost.
I will continue to read here and post on occasions.

Good luck everyone. Keep trekking.

jixu

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #146 on: January 02, 2020, 05:33:03 PM »
I was glad to see at the end of your post that you are going to stay around here.  You have provided encouragement for me and many others in this forum.  Hope you are able to make the adjustments and take the steps necessary for a fruitful 2020. 

joepanic

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #147 on: January 03, 2020, 06:52:23 AM »
Hey BigMog     I have to say  Geeky is good   I am 48 years old and I up untill I was 24 I lived the just get up  and go to work every morning   than I just quit a really good job to start a business with a buddy  We had no idea what we were doing but it certainly was fun  as we were going tio be millionaires  long storu short  we went broke   But it planted a seed in my brain at that time  and I got really interested in wanting to be organized planning things and analizing data   has felt really cool ever since   Gives me a small sence of purpose    Sp yes if this helps you in your recovery  by all means incorporate it into it

    cheers

     Post often it helps me it hel[s you

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #148 on: January 19, 2020, 01:51:07 PM »
So I’m still trekking in 2020,

Thankyou for your support Jixu and JoePanic,
Of course I’ve noticed over the last year that you support many others on the forum-you are good people!

I’ve continued to read posts on the forum and even replied once or twice.

Things are going ok so far with the slightly changed regime. Having to do a little homework set by the app  every day or so seems to be helping to keep me on the straight and narrow at the moment. Of course it’s not just avoiding porn that’s important but making positive changes to my whole life, hence increased ambition with my fitness, regular mindfulness and generally trying to use my time constructively with reading and of course interacting better with my family. There are even slight indications of an improved physical relationship with my wife.
Also I’m intending to be more diligent at work. I guess I’m very lucky to be employed by a good company, so if I can be more diligent, less stressed and have a generally more positive outlook on it that would all be to the good.
I’m trying to get into the habit of asking myself “What can I do in the next five minutes that is useful, constructive, kind or nurturing for myself or others.” At least it means I may start doing something positive  instead of idle hands/brain starting the wrong sort of activity.

Good luck all and keep working to win this fight.

20 Days Clean

joepanic

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #149 on: January 20, 2020, 10:37:39 AM »
Hey BigMog

    nice going on the 20 days  1 more day to the 3 week mark   Like you  I found  that I needed to not only stay away from porn  but I needed to make sure that that time was filled with more constructive endeavors.  Once again to me that was a part of breaking the patterns  which I think  was the most important poart of my reboot   Stay the course and be sure to come and let us know your victories  as well as your failures so we can all learn  from each other

    Cheers

     Post often it helps me it helps you