Author Topic: Trekking to Freedom  (Read 9195 times)

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #50 on: February 17, 2019, 01:56:37 PM »
Plodding on. Went for a long run this morning. Watched some Comedy TV with my daughter this afternoon. Other than that, a few chores. This evening we plan a family meal followed by watching a film. Still fitting in the mindfulness sessions. Mood picking up a little compared with the last couple of days.

Keep up the good fight everyone.

3 Days Clean

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #51 on: February 20, 2019, 02:43:21 AM »
Plodding on. Work is difficult and confusing. For example, I’m sometimes in telephone/video-meetings with dozens of people from all over the world all speaking in acronyms and jargon that are gibberish to me so I have little idea what is being discussed and whether it affects my activities. Hey-ho.

Anyway, that aside, my mood is still low, maybe as a result of my last lapse. Despite this, I’m still hanging in with my good habits of journaling (even though I don’t have much to say), mindfulness and positive activities to keep busy and “improve” myself.

I’m hoping that as the days tick over and I keep working on myself that I shall become a bit more cheery.

Keep fighting/trekking everyone.

6 Days Clean




BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #52 on: February 21, 2019, 04:14:22 PM »
Trekking/plodding on. Mood may be lifting a little. My fitness regime is working and I’m getting results in that department. However, currently totally lifeless down below, so definitely in a flatline. That would have bothered me a few years ago but not now. I’m just working on tactics to prevent a lapse next time I do start to get some urges.

Next week I’m away again for work, so planning all the safeguards to stay clean even if I get stressed or despondent. (Something that of course I hope I can avoid).

A strange thing, unrelated to PMO, that I realised again today is that if I linger in bed after the alarm has gone and snooze for a few minutes then it sets the tone for the whole day in that I’m lethargic and less focused. If I get up immediately the alarm goes or even before, and go down and make tea for the wife and get breakfast then I seem to be much more dynamic all through the day and, for example, I’m sure my output at work is much greater.

Well, I’ve reached a week again. I have a few slightly different routines and habits in place and I’m hoping these will help keep me on the straight and narrow. The days on this small streak seem to be adding up only very slowly.

Keep trekking everyone.

7 Days Clean.




Rex

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #53 on: February 22, 2019, 10:56:17 AM »
BigMog,

Good work staying clean for one week.  Keep up the great work! 

Business trips are tough because there's a lot of free time in the evening and hotels can be boring.  One way you can easily coast through it, is to setup a schedule of events for yourself.  Carefully map out after work what you will do at the hotel.  And don't leave yourself any idle time.  Have your schedule filled with stuff like: work out at hotel gym, take a walk, pray or bible reading time, go sight seeing, call family on phone, watch TV, or go out to a restaurant away from the hotel, etc.  If you find after you arrive at the hotel after work and have a schedule full of events by the time you complete them you then go to sleep and repeat the cycle until you are back home.  Idle time can play tricks on the mind especially when away from home.  Make sure not to burn yourself out with events but to have something scheduled to keep the mind occupied.  When the mind is occupied and busy it will be less likely to be tempted by PMO.

Good luck and keep up the great work!
 
Rex
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BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #54 on: February 23, 2019, 04:57:24 PM »
 Many thanks for the good advice and support, Rex.

Yes I have plans for the time I’m away and immediately after I return when I know I could be vulnerable. There’s a long book I’m gripped by at the moment and a TV series saved on my iPad. I will be using the gym and I know there will be some socialising with my work colleagues. I aim to be resolute in continuing the guided mindfulness exercises as soon as I return to the hotel in the evenings.
There is protection on my iPad which I can’t easily remove and I know I must avoid idle channel flipping on the TV, infact I aim to watch no TV at all. Also I have, an added incentive of a sporting event I’m participating in on the Saturday morning after my return. I’m excited by this and so there’s a strong motivation to avoid blowing my chances of a good performance by PMOing in the days before.

Two similar trips this year have resulted in lapses, so I’m pulling out all the stops to avoid the same again this time.

All prayers, telepathy, or good wishes are most welcome!

Keep strong everyone!

9 Days Clean

switched_off_again

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #55 on: February 24, 2019, 05:37:53 PM »
Hey BigMog - keep strong and have a great week! We don't do porn!
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #56 on: February 27, 2019, 09:03:28 AM »
We get knocked down... but we get up again. You lost a round, BigMog, but you're back on your feet and fighting. Congrats on finding the strength to get back up.

I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say. The one thing common in all our behaviours is "Opportunity"; we found a way to indulge our drug. I travel a lot with work, too, and it's always a trigger for me. I never turn on the TV in a hotel room now. Sounds like you reached the same conclusion. Also, the fast journey from "dancing on the edge of the funnel", to a slip, which turns into a binge that can go full-blown relapse. I guess it's just more evidence of brain plasticity and neurons that wire together, fire together. Your brain has developed an association, as has mine. I called it "roller-skating around the jaws of hell" and i know from painful experience that once I inevitably stumble, my fall is a long one. I read a piece on YBOP that described your trend. It doesn't make especially happy reading but I've pasted it below and i hope you find it relevant rather than disheartening.

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-is-intermittent-use-long-abstinence-with-binges-an-addiction-risk/

Congrats again on getting back on your horse. Hoping you can stay strong for the long course.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #57 on: March 01, 2019, 03:40:07 PM »
Thanks for the support WIPUK and switched_off.

We don’t do porn!

Although the week had its ups and downs at work, I didn’t get into the “everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn” frame of mind. I also stayed away from mindless TV watching  which has led to trouble in the past.

I kept to my routines including some mindfulness/meditation most days, a session in be gym  and I was out socialising with colleagues some nights and was also helped by having a book that I found really gripping during quiet times.

The YBOP piece is very relevant. My fortnightly or monthly slips and binges have to stop or I am just re-inforcing the habit. I’’m just over a fortnight into my current streak so my libido is returning after my last binge. I need to keep vigilant.

I’ll check out other people’s journals over the weekend and will aim to add encouragement.

Keep trekking everyone!

15 Days Clean

switched_off_again

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #58 on: March 01, 2019, 08:05:37 PM »
Hey BigMog

Good to hear you got through another week and didn't fall in to the “everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn” trap. I recognise that trap too. At the moment though, I'm in a particularly thrawn mood and see porn as the thing I'm rebelling against. Porn is the norm, idolising beauty is the norm, we're all expected to comply and feed their machine. To hell with that. I've my own life to live, I will not be their slave, even when other things in life are not giving chimp the comfort he thinks he needs. I'm not going to play their game. I like being an outsider. This is my life. They are not going to own me.

I don't do porn.
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #59 on: March 03, 2019, 01:52:43 PM »
Thanks switched_off.
Yes there is so much more we can experience than porn. I no longer will be in the grip of it. I want to live a well-lived life.

Not much to report here. A few stirrings down below but my wife’s health is not too good at the moment, so I’ve put them on hold. Anyway, I need to take things very slowly if we are going to get our love life going again. It’s probably best if I can go the whole 90 or 100 Days first so my brain is significant re-wired. I know I said in previous posts that I had accepted the fact that my sex life was over, but may be at some stage I can resurrect it. We’ll see.

Mainly I’m concentrating on avoiding porn and sticking to constructive activities.

Just arranged a trip later in the year with some old buddies, so that’s something to look forward to.

Keep trekking everyone!

17 Days Clean

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #60 on: March 06, 2019, 04:56:30 PM »
Glad to hit the 20 day mark. Very tired at the moment. A few mild urges, but nothing too strong. I’ll keep up the routines I’ve established and try to stay disciplined.

Porn is not an option.

20 Days Clean

Faemer

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #61 on: March 06, 2019, 05:41:41 PM »
You guys are strong.  I'm on my first 6 days and struggling.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #62 on: March 07, 2019, 01:47:41 PM »
Thanks Faemer. I’m still working on it and still struggle too, but hopefully heading in the right direction. I was going to briefly mention Level 1 and Level 2 changes, i.e. Level 1 = making porn more difficult to access and Level 2 = making longer term life changes so you no are no longer reliant on it. Then I saw that WorkInProgressUK had already described that really well on your journal.

There is lots of good information on this forum.

Keep Trekking everyone.

21 Days Clean

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #63 on: March 08, 2019, 08:32:58 AM »
21 days = really good progress, BigMog. Three weeks clean and hopefully you feel good for it. You have a lot of time sober in the bank. A lot of positive brain rewiring already happened. Hope you have a calm weekend.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #64 on: March 08, 2019, 12:43:26 PM »
Thanks WIPUK!

I’m hanging in there. Actually the last few days have been really difficult at work with a lot to do and I’m going through a phase, at least I hope it’s just a phase, of getting several things wrong. A bad time like this, I find demoralises me and I can find that my ability and efficiency at work go down in a vicious spiral.

There are, however, a few positives I’m hanging on to:
It’s now the weekend and I have a few healthy things planned.
I know that eventually this bad period will pass.
In the past I may well have succumbed to some unhealthy therapy but now I’m determined that I won’t.

Of course, it’s possible that my mood about work is related to withdrawal symptoms of some kind and my brain is crying out for a fix of all the chemicals that PMO releases.

In any case, I’ll just ride it out and keep myself busy and do things that are good for me and worthwhile.

Keep trekking everybody. Sometimes it’s a rough road.

22 Days Clean




BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #65 on: March 12, 2019, 04:53:43 PM »
Still going Ok though somewhat grumpy and disconsolate. Work is still difficult and my wife is perpetually miserable-she has her own problems with family, health, work and other commitments, all of which I try to help with but not with much success. Hey ho. Some of this mood on my part is probably withdrawal.
 I can remember in my early twenties, at one stage, realising that after a couple of weeks, if I didn’t get a fix of PMO from a girly magazine I would disappear into a black cloud of misery. I think I’m more resilient now and this will pass, but it’s still a bit of a struggle. No real sign of ”Superpowers” yet, unless you count rambling on like this in a maudlin and self-indulgent kind of way as a superpower ;).

Keep trekking folks!

26 Days clean
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 09:49:33 AM by BigMog »

switched_off_again

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #66 on: March 12, 2019, 07:13:11 PM »
Still going Ok though somewhat grumpy and disconsolate. Work is still difficult and my wife is perpetually miserable-she has her own problems with family, health, work and other commitments, all of which I try to help with but not with much success. Hey ho. Some of this mood on my part is probably withdrawal.


Snap in almost every way!

I'm not sure I'm expecting any great post reboot superpowers to emerge. I just don't want to feel that thoroughly trapped and pre-occupied way that I did when I had a PMO habit. Anything else is a bonus.

Keep on keeping on. You're doing well.
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #67 on: March 16, 2019, 09:08:33 AM »
Many thanks for your support Switched Off.

So work is still fairly difficult but my morale was boosted by a reasonable meeting with my manager and then a very good call with a colleague who experiences similar difficulties to me with the the company. Knowing that it’s not just a problem with me helps.

No significant urges so far. This is my best run in 2019 and I’m hoping I can keep it going. Last year was my first year in hard mode and I had 66 day and 45 day streaks early on but fell off the wagon a few times later in the year.

 The main  differences I’ve made this year are
1. Journaling here
2. Being scrupulous about doing the guided mindfulness sessions every day
3. Putting extra safeguards in place to make it more difficult to access any porn in moments of weakness

Continuing from last year, I’m filling in the time and energy that was consumed by porn by reading, keeping fit and other hobbies and also trying to be more attentive to my family.

So at the moment, for me, things are pretty reasonable.

Keep trekking everyone!

30 Days Clean



cranm329

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #68 on: March 16, 2019, 11:09:39 AM »
We'll done! Thanks for the 3 differences you listed - real help.

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #69 on: March 22, 2019, 04:23:08 PM »
Thanks for the encouragement cranm329.
Trekking along OK. Sticking to my routines. Not much to report. Have a great weekend everybody.

36 Days Clean
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 04:25:12 PM by BigMog »

BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #70 on: March 27, 2019, 05:58:14 PM »
Trekking along OK. Not an interesting journal at the moment! Just sticking to my routines. Will write more when not so busy.

41 Days Clean

workinprogressUK

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #71 on: March 28, 2019, 06:59:24 AM »
I remember an accountability partner who had a whole load of sobriety behind him, saying to me "for a recovering P addict, boring is good". Glad to read that things are uneventful, predictable and that you're staying strong. Good work BM.

Jbow

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #72 on: March 28, 2019, 07:39:16 AM »
I've been here a long time struggling.  I've actually developed a friendship on this forum. We text each other and keep track of each others program.  It's really helped me.
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BigMog

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #73 on: March 30, 2019, 12:47:05 PM »
Thanks Jbow and WIPUK.
Yes, I think it all helps, whether it’s friendships, accountability partners in real life or here or just interacting with other folks on the forum.
It’s a bit early to say for definite yet, but for me, moving from being a “lurker” to actually posting in my own journal and other journals seems to be making a difference.
However, as several people have said, there’s no single magic bullet; we just have to keep developing our skills and applying several measures and techniques to get through this.

Keep trekking everyone.

44 Days Clean

Rex

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Re: Trekking to Freedom
« Reply #74 on: April 02, 2019, 08:31:30 AM »
Thanks Jbow and WIPUK.
Yes, I think it all helps, whether it’s friendships, accountability partners in real life or here or just interacting with other folks on the forum.
It’s a bit early to say for definite yet, but for me, moving from being a “lurker” to actually posting in my own journal and other journals seems to be making a difference.
However, as several people have said, there’s no single magic bullet; we just have to keep developing our skills and applying several measures and techniques to get through this.

Keep trekking everyone.

44 Days Clean

BigMog,

Congrats on 44 days free from PMO.  Your doing great!  Keep up the great work!

Rex
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