Author Topic: Please help  (Read 2317 times)

Devastated72

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #25 on: April 28, 2019, 09:55:28 AM »
I’ve had the worst week of my life. I don’t know what to do I am a total mess. My whole situation is in the previous posts from the start at D-Day and the weeks following. Since then my husband has been in counselling and is mainly addressing his upbringing and how it has affected him. Which is great as I’ve said in previous posts I’ve known all along that he needed to address these issues as I know they have played a big part of how he is in life. Anyways the months since D-Day have been hard. The first few weeks my Husband seemed  to make a big effort on being attentive and open but over the weeks and months he has retreated less and less. I wanted to believe more than anything that he hadn’t reverted back to porn and convinced myself that with the counselling opening up years of wounds that he was dealing with all of that. Over the months I have not hassled him or pushed him into anything. I have asked him how he’s doing as in dealing with the counselling. He’s said it is hard but he knows he’s feeling better for it and it’s good to get the past hurt out and finding coping skills to deal with all of this. He said that he had spoken about the porn addiction at the beginning of counselling but they hadn’t looked into it further. He’s also insisted that he hasn’t had the desire to look at porn and has not once thought or looked at it. I have found this hard to believe as I was a heavy smoker for 30 years and although a completely different addiction it’s still an addiction and cold turkey is really hard. But to be able to support him I chose to believe he wasn’t looking and didnt say anymore.
The old phone that I originally found the porn on has been put out of the way but on Monday  this week I saw that it was back in our bedroom, but it was on the chest of drawers and not hidden. I also saw that it had been charged. So I had to look because there is no reason to have used this phone. So I looked and couldnt see anything which was a huge relief but was still confused as to why it had appeared and was charged. I am no good with technology but had to stop my gut feeling of dread so Googled how to look deeper into a phones history. So I found another way and looked again on the Tuesday. I was absolutely gutted. More so than D-Day. There was again pages of trans porn. It just brought up websites so I searched these sites on my phone the main one  was called adult work and this may sound stupid but I still wanted to believe he hadn’t relapsed so I did actually think that maybe it was a job search site. I am so naive, it was not only a porn site but a site  specific for live chats and cams. I can only describe my feelings like I was sucked into a nightmare that I would wake up from and all was well. I thought then that I needed to look into his regular phone. I had also noticed that he has been taking his phone everywhere again. But during Tuesday he had left it on the sofa while he was doing stuff in the garden. So I looked and searched through the place I could look deeper into the history and found pages and pages of porn sites. There was loads. Loads more than the phone I found in the bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to do and how long I had so grabbed my phone and took pictures of the list of sites I had found. I put his phone down and looked through the sites in my own phone. I was distraught. These were all porn sites and again were all sites for live cams and chats. I even found a site for escorts. If I could have vanished there and then I would have. I truly couldn’t believe it. I have spent months pushing my gut feelings aside telling myself I was being paranoid. But here was the evidence right in front of me. So anyway my husband came in and went for a bath. While he was in there I wrote him a letter and sent it to him via text. (My son is autistic and lives at home and the last thing I want to do is have him know anything about this) so sending a letter seemed the best way to approach my husband. My husband came downstairs and insisted that these sites were from before December and that he hadn’t looked at anything since December. I didn’t believe him and was devastated that not only were these porn sites but ‘live’ Sites. He still insisted that he hasn’t done anything. I ended up really yelling at him and ended up storming out and staying the night at a good friends. I didn’t sleep at all and came home around 7am. During my time away my husband sent me a long heartfelt text saying I had to Believe him and that the stuff on his phone must have been from before December and he promised with all his heart that he hadn’t looked at anything and was dealing with everything and hadn’t faltered. When he got up Wednesday when I was back home he still insisted that these were pages from months ago and that he was doing everything and anything to put this all right. Again my gut was telling me that this wasn’t true but I told him ok and that was that. I then couldn’t settle with his explanation so again I googled ways to find the dates these websites were accessed. So on Friday I checked the old phone that was still in the bedroom and still charged. And as I thought the pages had been accessed the previous week. I know I keep saying it but I was floored. I spent the next few hours sat in disbelief and anger until my husband came home from work. As soon as he did I asked him again about the porn sites and he still insisted that he hadn’t looked. So I asked him for his phone. He knows I’m hopeless with tech so although he looked a bit startled he gave me his phone. Straight away I accessed the sites with the dates. He sat there saying he hadn’t looked at these sites and that if he had it would have been before D-Day. By this time I was fuming and yelling that the dates were in front of us and how could he continue denying this. He kept denying over and over while I was screaming and crying. He then said that he must of been on those sites last week as the phone showed but he couldn’t remember doing it!!!! And again and again he kept saying it. So the story had changed to this. I still didn’t believe and said I was leaving as he was still lying and lying to my face despite the evidence. He was crying saying he must be ill cause he couldn’t remember doing it. Which I was having none of. Then he changed the story again and finally admitted he was using the sites and porn again and that he hadn’t stopped at all. But this was even worse because all theses sites were live sites and a lot of them he had actually searched for transexuals in the town we live including trans escorts in our area. I ended up hitting him and screaming. He was begging me to give him another chance. But like tuesay I ended up staying at my friends over night and again didn’t sleep a wink and came home this time around 6am. I couldn’t look at him and again he was in tears saying he hates himself for what he’s done and would change and get more help. He went to work and sent me more texts begging for forgiveness and promising the world. I told him I can never trust him again and have no idea what to do. I don’t want to give up on all
These years but at the same time am i fooling myself. He said he has reached rock bottom seeing me this way. But I told him wasnt seeing the state of me back on D-Day rock bottom enough. He still is insisting that he’s straight!!!
But not only is he looking at trans porn he’s searching the area for them. I really have no idea what to do now. I thought I was broken before but this is a whole new level.

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1072
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #26 on: April 28, 2019, 10:58:58 PM »
Oh my, wow, that is truly a devastating turn of events. I'm not sure what I can say to help, but I really feel for you, and I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Porn is an absolute scourge on humanity - it ruins people and relationships. I think you are justified in any action you choose to take. Make the choice that is right for you and don't feel guilty about it. Best of luck, M.

jixu

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 211
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #27 on: April 29, 2019, 06:28:42 AM »
Hi dev72.  Anybody in your situation would be feeling like their foundation had collapsed.  I have some thoughts.

First, if your instincts tell you that he has gone from virtual to real (escorts, meet-ups,etc) then, although this is stating the obvious, you have to consider the possibility of sexually transmitted disease as being a potential factor in the equation.  Not being an alarmist but keep it in mind.

Second, and I'm not seeing this noted as a problem, but make darn sure you have a good grasp of the family's finances.  You have had enough surprises for a while-you don't need a financial one hitting you over the head.

Third, he needs to be made uncomfortable and take real concrete steps.  If he had been sincere and worked on it the first time around that would be one thing; but perpetuating the lie even after being caught is another thing.   I don't think counseling and reading books is enough of a demand from your side.  He needs a ground level sponsor or accountability person that can hold him accountable and also provide you with reports.   Also, he leaves the house, not you.  He can take the car and sleep at the Walmart or Burger King parking lot; don't let him slide by so  easily on those types of things.  I personally would advise you to seek a preliminary legal consultation and drop the news on him as a further inducement to change (assuming you are willing to stay in the marriage if he is taking real action).

Anyway, at this stage, you are totally justified in any steps you take.    .       

aquarius25

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1023
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2019, 07:45:14 AM »
I am so sorry you are going through this. Your words bring me right back to where I was those first few months. I know sometimes you feel crazy but know you are not and just keep breathing.

As far as not trusting but wanting to, I felt the same way. Overtime I have changed my thought on this. You don't have to trust him. He has broken that trust and it needs to be rebuilt. That does not happen overnight. Love him yes, but that does not mean you need to trust him. You can love someone and still want to wring their neck, LOL!!! It is ok to say "I love you, I do not like you right now, I do not trust you right now, but I love you". Just be sure you continue to communicate! I have always felt that when communication stops that is when the real separation and divide occurs. That is where your mind runs crazy and where you can give up. It is hard to continue to talk and communicate when you are so angry/hurt/mad but just keep trying. If talking is too much then write letter to each other, just keep reaching out.

As far as shemale porn, just like others have said porn warps the brain. I think they crave taboo and anything that seems naughty. Porn thrives on secret and makes you feel shame. I think my husband was actually addicted to that feeling of shame sadly. As a result he would view anything that made him feel like this is not ok and that he is not normal. That is just his brains way of finding dopamine. It is an addiction. I am pretty sure when he is years past this he will be shocked my what he used to view. This doesn't not define him and who he is, this is an addiction. He has to won it and deal with it. It is not a reflection of you or how much he loves you at all.

Hang in there and just keep breathing.

Devastated72

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #29 on: May 10, 2019, 06:49:02 PM »
Thank you all for your support and advice. I’ve started to trust my gut instincts as they are obviously proving right. I don’t think he has met up with anyone (I don’t think he has the bottle) and regards to our financial state we get by and have enough for the daily basics after bills and rent. I take care of basically everything at home incl juggling the finances. But thank you for asking and offering advice.
Anyways since the last post my Hub got in contact with sex/porn addicts anonymous. I know this to be true as he said he had emailed the leader and soon after he did get a phone call from him. He arranged to join a group on Friday evenings. And would take it from there. He said they also do 1:1 as well as the group sessions but was advised that although awkward to begin with sharing with others in the same situation would be beneficial. So again I supported him and hoped that this may be some help.
Tonight was when he was meant to go, he would go there from work. He had said through the week that he had emailed and text the leader for information and to confirm where the group met but hadn’t had a reply. I did find this hard to believe as the leader had apparently told my Hub that he could call or text at anytime day or night for support. My hub also said that he had tried calling him but didn’t get an answer. I spoke to my Hub during the day and he said he had called the leader again and still no reply. As the day went on  My Hub said he wouldn’t go to the meeting as he couldn’t remember where it was (hmmm) and he hadn’t got hold of the leader. Obviously I knew Hub would be embarrassed and nervous about attending a group session but we talked and we both agreed that he needed to do this and despite his nervousness and embarrassment he at least owed it to me to do this regardless of how he felt. Seeing that he didn’t worry about how I’ve been feeling all these years and then after D-Day and continued lies and deceit.
So he came home from work and I knew he was lying (trusting the gut).  I hate calling him out in his lies but I have to do it for his sake as well as mine. So I checked his phone. There were no emails,he had deleted his email history (did he think that would make me believe he had emailed as there was no evidence ffs) then I checked his phone history and the only call with the leaders number was when the leader initially called my husband a week or so ago.
Again lies lies lies. I am effing fuming. I couldn’t look him in he eye and I’m growing sick and tired of having to prove the lies. I sent him a long letter (via text) calling him out on everything. He promised he had emailed and text the leader but as he has wiped his phone I couldn’t see any evidence and going by his history I can only think he was lying about this. Then he admitted he didn’t call the leader (would he have admitted this had I no proof....no)!
So I told him over and over it’s still lies and lies to my face and promising that he’s being honest when all the time he’s lying. It may be a patch on his previous bullshit but the fact remains that he’s still lying. I told him loving and supporting him and trying to trust him wasn’t working and that I can’t be a loving supportive wife If he is still being a lying deceitful Husband.
I told him how hard it is to believe anything he says and I feel like he’s really taking the piss out of me so have told him I don’t want to share a bed with him (there was no intimacy or sex anyway, just sharing a place to sleep) and that for now he should sleep on the sofa. I said despite everything I haven’t got the heart to kick him out but that maybe breaking off with him for a while might jolt him into realising what he may lose. He kept going on like before that he didn’t know why he lied and that it was only a simple lie about a phone call. I couldn’t get through to him that it didn’t matter what the lie was, the fact it was a lie is massive. So we are married living In the same house but not engaging as such. I know keeping communication and support open is necessary for change but I can’t keep being treated like a mug and a pushover so I don’t know what else to do.

Redfire03

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 177
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #30 on: May 11, 2019, 02:03:30 PM »
@Devastater72 seeing your frustrations and betrayal feelings only hurt me more because you show emotions I didn5 see from my ex that I know I put her thru. I wish I knew what I was doing to her from her point of view. But the moment she told me she was done...... like done done.. my wife had had enough.... sadd to say it took that for me to never view porn or masterbate ever again. It's been over a year now. It's hard because I love her and never ment to do the things I did. Porn really takes over us its very strange... this man cares for you.... but he is very embarrassed about it. It's hard for us to admit all of this. We honestly dont know how to process it. I would suggest him joining the forum he needs your support. I understand your frustration 100% but dont give up on him yet. Push him as hard as you can... the addiction is doing this to him. The past year has been great for me other than still excepting my wife leaving me and jumping into another relationship when the marriage was real for me. Help him... he needs you... but only you now how much more you can handle. But when you do decide you are done take it easy on him.

Devastated72

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2019, 01:13:44 PM »
So it’s been a couple of weeks since my last post and I’m really in a state. Instead of life improving I am mental and physically drained and am thinking of leaving my husband for good.
He did go to the addicts anonymous meeting last week. I am so paranoid that I actually went and spied on him in my car. I cannot believe a single word he says and although I want to I just can’t. Anyway when he came back from the first meeting he said it was ok and that he will
Continue to go. This is a good thing and I’m hoping it will help. However I can’t stop thinking constantly about all these years of betrayal. I’m looking back at different times in our lives and wondering if he had ogled porn and masturbated at these times. I think about all the gut feelings I had over certain things and now wonder if my gut feelings were right and what I suspected (an affair) was actually happening. I now know that my gut  feelings about there being a big prob in our 20+ years of marriage was true and then since d-day in December I had a gut feeling he hadn’t stopped with the porn. Which a few weeks ago I found to be true too. So although I don’t really know who I am or what I want anymore I have to start believing my gut feelings are true and I should take notice of them.
These past couple of weeks have been really bad. Although my husband has promised (like before) to stop porn and recover I cannot trust what he says to me. I can’t stop thinking about all these years of betrayal and how easy he found it to lie to me and in essence cheat on me daily for over 20 years. As I’ve said before I have always wanted sexual intimacy and have never turned him down, although it was usually me initiating any intimacy and was refused many times. And like many other partners I ended up believing there was something wrong with me and that my husband didn’t find me attractive etc etc. But I really can’t get over this soul destroying feeling of betrayal and hurt. I think when I found out that he hadn’t stopped anything for these past few months after d-day and had continue to lie to me daily even though he had seen how devastated I was, it really has destroyed me. I cannot understand how he can do this to me. I gave him nothing but support, we talked, I went to the Drs with him and we made promises to each other to love and support. And now it’s like he’s just laughed in my face and carried on regardless. Since discovering his continued porn addiction he has again promised me he will do anything and everything to stop this and has promised again  with all his heart he won’t and hasn’t looked or wanted
To look at anything. But I cannot bring myself to believe this. I can almost feel my body and brain drowning in all this betrayal and pain. I know it sounds dramatic but to of been married for 24 years and bring up 2 children, and have dealt with many many big issues throughout our marriage you would think you know somebody and like I keep saying. I knew I always had a gut feeling something wasn’t right but to find out all of this really really does hurt physically and mentally.
I’m trying to be calm
And ‘normal’ And carry on day to day life but I’m in a constant state of anxiety. We still live together and share a bed together but that’s it. I’m not upset about that as we have been more like flatmates for most of our marriage. But it’s like he’s carrying on like he hasn’t done anything. He gets up goes to work, comes home and says about his work day, watches tv and goes to bed. I
Suppose it’s good to have normality but I just feel like the whole thing is a big lie, a stage show. None of its real. I feel like our whole marriage has been one big sham. I have given the best years of my life to him and my children. Many of my old friends used to say I was like a single mum because he never did anything with us. Any day trips were done and arranged by me, even now the kids are grown  it’s me and them that arrange things and do things. He does not involve himself at all. The only way anybody can see he’s part of the family is because he lives in the same house!
I would love to have a happy intimate marriage, nothing lavish or flashy. We do live on the breadline and have always rented as have never been able to afford a mortgage but monetary and material things have never meant anything to me. All I’ve ever wanted is just love and happiness. I know it sounds like a pipe dream but it’s not a lot to ask for. I’m
Hurt because he has spent all these years being selfish and thinking only of himself, looking back he has never put me or the kids first looking back with open eyes it’s heartbreaking to see how me and the kids have lived and put up with his ways. But despite all of this I love him. But I absolutely hate him. And I don’t know if I can carry on like this. Do I continue to live in hope that he is dealing with his porn addition and wants to stop. That he will continue to go to the addicts anonymous and ask for help. I’ve told him I can’t bear the thought of him touching me at the moment, I only let him
Back into our bed because he was making such a fuss about his back and I have the bad habit of feeling guilty about him everything. And the fact I was making him sleep on the sofa actually kept me awake feeling guilty.
I just feel like he’s playing me  because he knows I’m a pushover.  I can’t say if he truly loves me and wants us to be a happy intimate married couple. Because looking back we really haven’t been all
That’s years. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. Any advice would be really appreciated. And if anyone has been where I am right now and can tell me what their outcome
Was May help me right now. Xx

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1072
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2019, 01:44:51 PM »
I can really feel your pain, D72. I think it's good that you are in touch with your feelings to the degree that you are. It will help to lead you to the right decision for you.

One observation: I think he's using the "sore back" excuse to try to keep proximity to you - a form of denial that things might be heading towards a permanent end. I would say that whether he has a sore back or not, he should not have the right to sleep next to you at this time. Either he has to deal with his back as part of his penance, or he should be resourceful enough to organise himself another bed in another room. But using postural comfort as a way to keeping proximity to you is not a good thing to do. You deserve, and should have the right, to make the call on how close you are to him. This really is about you at this time. It's time to put yourself and your needs first (for the first time in a long while, by the sounds of it). I think making concessions out of guilt will not get you any closer to what you want and need from this situation. In a way, if you are still nursing any hopes of a reconciliation, you need to see how he responds to you drawing your boundaries and to you making him uncomfortable. How he handles the sofa bed will reveal much about his intent to change, and own his behaviour. Any sign that he's complaining and calling you unfair or unreasonable will inform you about his level of selfishness and will to change and take responsibility. Just a thought... Best of luck. M.

Devastated72

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #33 on: May 23, 2019, 03:12:30 PM »
Dear Malando thank you so much for your reply.
I don’t want to sound like little miss perfect as I am far from it. But I am definitely a person that cares too much and people know they can rely on me and a lot do take advantage of that. I’m excellent at sticking up for others especially my family (I took the local council to court over my disabled sons education and won without any legal help) so I know I have it in me to stand my ground. But when  it comes to me I am hopeless and am an easy target and walk over. That’s probably the reason my husband has treated me like this my entire married life. I just didn’t want to believe somebody that is supposed to love you more than anything could do all of this for so long. Part of me wants him to leave as I really don’t enjoy being round him at the moment. But I don’t know if that will make matters worse as he will be entirely left to his own devices.
Also I don’t work as I’m my sons full time carer so financially I don’t know how we would manage. We live in an expensive area and if my husband was to move out his wages would definitely not cover his rent and ours. I know there are benefits to claim but having been in that situation before it would not be immediate and I have no savings, family or friends to help so the money side of how to live puts me off and going back to my constant guilty conscience I don’t think I have the heart to tell him to leave either so I’m kinda stuck. But as I said before at the moment I hate him and really can’t get to grips with how he’s been able to do all of this and claim he loves me. So I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I have never felt this confused, heartbroken and ill ever and I really dont know what to do. Will I come to terms with this and move on and will me and my husband be able to work this out together. Or am I being taken for a fool and just prolonging the pain and constantly being gaslighted by the man I thought loved me. So do I tell him to leave and try to rebuild a life for me and my son or do I hang in there and see if things will change.

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1072
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #34 on: May 23, 2019, 04:46:03 PM »
That's a really tough situation you're in, D72. I'm sure the prospect of separating when you have a child with complex needs makes this all the more daunting. I won't make recommendations on what you should do - because I think this is something you need to come to in your own time. But I do think you may have an issue with defending your boundaries and this is something you should really prioritise at this time. Regardless of what direction this takes, you must respect yourself and your boundaries - and make sure your husband knows that he can't breach them.

The sad thing about severe porn addiction is that it kind of disables large parts of a person's human qualities - it can make somebody quite stupid, in fact. Addicts typically:
- play down the severity of their addiction
- pretend they've recovered
- are expert liars
- think they've recovered far too soon
- think the damage they've caused can be fixed quickly
- think they can keep using as long as they aren't caught
- think they can still use porn occasionally as long as they have a 2 day break prior to sex
- they will lack ambition and motivation
- lack spontaneity
- lack empathy
- lack comprehension
- lack interest in children... the list goes on and on.

It's a devastating thing for addict and partner. In my opinion, only the most determined person can reverse porn addiction and restore a healthy relationship with their partner and within themselves. So what you will want to see is a very steadfast and determined direction from your husband - a resolve to do better in every way, and real heartfelt statements that he understands what he's done and what he's going to do about it. This must not look like a mild effort until the heat is off. Make sure he knows that this is what you expect, what you demand, to even have a hope of reconciling your marriage.

I understand your living situation doesn't lend itself to drastic action - but also make sure he knows that even if you are under the same roof, this doesn't automatically mean you are just going to calm down and get over this. He needs to know just how big a mess he's made of this, and just how much work he's going to have to do to even begin to repair it and regain some trust from you. He also needs to come to terms with not having this process laid out for him. He needs to live with the uncertainly that this might not work out - regardless of his best efforts. And he needs to be ok with this, and see it as something he should do anyway - as recompense to you, as a show of remorse, as a display of intent to be a better man regardless of what happens with your marriage. I would suggest he should have his own bed in another room until such time as you want him in your bed. A bed is a place of safety and security - it should feel like the person sharing it with you represents that. At this time, he doesn't - so I think it's better if you make your own safety and security until such time that you feel he has earned his place next to you.

I don't want to sound too punitive about your husband. I don't know him and I don't know the level of his contrition. But I sense you need some encouragement in defending your boundaries and so I'm focusing on that. You deserve better than this. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. As a mother, your well being is also important to your children and you are also setting an example of  to them of what respect and consideration look like in a relationship. So there are important values at stake here. You have our support here, know that. M.

Kimba

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 174
    • View Profile
Re: Please help
« Reply #35 on: August 19, 2019, 08:13:09 PM »
Hi D72, and Hi to everyone here, I have just popped on for a small visit my life seems to be going very well and I am in a good place again but I still think about those times of feeling completely out of control and unloved, low self esteem, angry etc etc...

So...my advice to you D72 is a mixture of practical and how to deal with the  hard yards ahead, unfortunately you cannot believe a thing he says at this point in the situation, my partner did not do counselling but I did, I did not feel it worked but it did give him a jolt that I was seriously thinking of ending our relationship, I think the people on here helped me the most to be honest, just talking it out with like minded.  I locked down all my computers iPhones iPads I loaded up Covenant eyes and K9 for protection, I think even if he gets past the security, it still makes him think of what he is doing. No phones in the toilet, no passwords that you don't know, no going on technology while you are not home. No lying which is a hard one because unfortunately I think once a liar its hard to change that one.  You are allowed to check his phone his history whatever it takes to feel ok again.  I finally feel ok, I don't check his phone unless i ask him, I don't have covenant eyes or K9 anymore, I still have small doubts occasionally but i push them aside, I still get angry about the way there is so much soft porn all over main stream TV and the brainwashing that its ok to undermine decent relationships and loving couples, to make it seem ok to be dishonest and hang out at strip bars while your wife is sitting at home, no way not on my watch, you can bugger off and live that life full time if thats what you want...  I must say this is my second relationship and you have a lot more to loose than me as far as your children and life is concerned but hey he needs to get real, he will loose it all the stupid man and for what, seconds of gratification, I feel pity for these men that can't get their life together and live in fantasy, to me I think it will get a lot worse before governments are forced to lock down that part of the internet.  I can only say that to make this work he needs to be onboard with what I have said, lock those devices down...
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth