Author Topic: My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me  (Read 466 times)

NMB_29

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My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me
« on: July 29, 2019, 01:17:11 PM »
I've been educating myself on Pornography addiction and sex addiction, but I still need to get my head around some topics. My newly wed husband told me about his addiction. We are together for 11 years but just got married. We met each other as teenagers, we were only 17. He blamed - as many - the addiction on the fact that we only saw each other on the weekends and thought the habbit might go away after the wedding.
When he told me, I asked him when was the last time he went 3 days without porn and his answer was our honeymoon. I was devastated.
Right now he is on reboot for 2 weeks. He joined a gymn with me, and I can notice the change is his behaviour before life, yet, he is still not attracted to me.
I asked him if he is feeling attracted to other women, and he told me that it has been hard for him to catch sight of so many tights at the gymn. And all I thought was: I know one ass he is not looking at.
We did have sex, since he quit, it was alright. But, right now I am questioning everything and comparing my self to every girl around. I don't know what to do to try and recover some self-esteem.
He asked me if I could prevent walking around the house in lingerie or naked, so I could help him reconnect. But what about the rest of the world? All I think about right now is how invisible I am, how useless I have become for so long and still am. Is this ever gonna go away?
How do I help him while I am healing? What do I share with him without make him feel guilty and making him worst?
« Last Edit: July 29, 2019, 04:35:31 PM by NMB_29 »

Redfire03

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Re: My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2019, 08:41:19 PM »
One just be very firm about the situation and what damage he is doing. I would let him watch the Ted talks with Gary Wilson and let him see the ultimate damage he could do. Most of all he could lose you in the end. It's not fun to go thru, being a husband who hurt his wife I wish I could take it all back. I can tell you this man loves you. He is just so wrapped around this issue he is unsure what is going on really. Idk what advice to give you about walking around like that. But I would try to be his support but firm on what you want. Kiss cuddle, connect.  Because he does love you.... but he is stuck in this addiction and it really mess's with our judgment.

bob

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Re: My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2019, 10:21:01 PM »
I would make sure you plan on talking to someone, a councilor or therapist who is aware of the problem. i can't stress that enough. They need to understand the probelm or be open to the problem. And, you need to be able to heal too. This can be a devastating thing to uncover.

I can't stress this enough. He might be having the problem and is worried about himself (we are selfish like that) but you need to take care of you. You are worthy of that at the very least.

Sorry this is happening.

malando

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Re: My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me
« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2019, 01:21:26 AM »
Hi there, I have responded to various points in blue below:
I've been educating myself on Pornography addiction and sex addiction, but I still need to get my head around some topics. My newly wed husband told me about his addiction. We are together for 11 years but just got married. We met each other as teenagers, we were only 17. He blamed - as many - the addiction on the fact that we only saw each other on the weekends and thought the habbit might go away after the wedding.
That's an unfortunate lie that porn addicts tell themselves - the behaviour is due to factors outside of themselves, they were driven to it by unreasonable burdens. Also the "I can stop when I get what I need". As you now know, this is a total fallacy. Addicts have very little reasoning component in their behaviour. It's a compulsion, with very little cognition. They just want it, pure and simple. The most cognition happens after a problem is revealed and then there is internal conflict because they know they should stop this thing they love. There is a lot of frustration and struggle in this. They spent all these years thinking it was great, but it turns out it's been slowly poisoning them! But by that stage the dopamine addiction is so strong, it's very hard to just quit. It takes a lot of education and strategising to kick this addiction.
When he told me, I asked him when was the last time he went 3 days without porn and his answer was our honeymoon. I was devastated.
For a confirmed addict, unfortunately, this is not unusual.
Right now he is on reboot for 2 weeks. He joined a gymn with me, and I can notice the change is his behaviour before life, yet, he is still not attracted to me.
I asked him if he is feeling attracted to other women, and he told me that it has been hard for him to catch sight of so many tights at the gymn. And all I thought was: I know one ass he is not looking at.
Yes, unfortunately, his addiction has taken his focus of you and your relationship and put it all on cheap thrills. That's the nature of pron addiction. Real life is very bland to a porn addict. They focus on what they haven't seen yet, what they haven't had, can't have etc, instead of what they do have. This obsession with always finding new things to be titillated by means they lose all appreciation for the woman they have. And how could she compete? She can't be a million different women doing a million different acts.
If he's serious about beating his addiction and he can't even handle a few women in tights at the gym, he should quit the gym or go to a men only gym. If those sights, and his lack of self control to avoid looking at them, are retriggering his thoughts around porn, then it's bad for his recovery. He's be better off working out at home with some dumbbells or a multi-gym. It's not acceptable for him to come home bemoaning how many hot women are at the gym making life hard for him. No, no, no! Don't buy into the excuses he offers - only buy into the solutions he proposes, if they seem reasonable to you.

We did have sex, since he quit, it was alright. But, right now I am questioning everything and comparing my self to every girl around. I don't know what to do to try and recover some self-esteem.
Maybe you should take sex off the table for a while? Seems like he is likely to only use it to self-medicate anyway at this point - rather than use it to feel connected and appreciative of you. I think he might need an enforced layoff until his brain has recalibrated somewhat.
He asked me if I could prevent walking around the house in lingerie or naked, so I could help him reconnect. But what about the rest of the world? All I think about right now is how invisible I am, how useless I have become for so long and still am. Is this ever gonna go away?
I don't know, that really depends on him and how seriously he's taking this. Does he realise this is a threat to your marriage? That this is taking a huge personal toll on your well-being? That this is not sustainable for you and that it will end your marriage if he doesn't get control of himself? If he doesn't, then you probably will need a series of heart-to-hearts until he gets it. He stands to be a lonely old man with a limp dick if he continues on this track.
How do I help him while I am healing? What do I share with him without make him feel guilty and making him worst?
I think you have to just keep having open and honest conversations about it - how this is affecting your relationship, what you can do together to reconnect, what he can do to ensure he's not spending time on his devices like that ever again. This will be a challenging time - the truth is, he will relapse. I don't know of anybody who didn't on the way to recovery. You need to keep the channels of communication open and be ready for setbacks. Don't be negative all the time, but make sure you are clear in your expectations of him and that only a successful recovery will do. If he commits to change and takes strong steps to kick this thing, then you will be by his side, If he wallows in his addiction, then he's on his own. That would be my advice.

LostandConfused

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Re: My husband is on reboot, everygirl turns him on but me
« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2019, 12:50:18 PM »
I feel ya