Author Topic: My Personal Journal: (THE NEXT 90)  (Read 1660 times)

Prodigal son

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My Personal Journal: (THE NEXT 90)
« on: December 24, 2018, 12:41:46 PM »
PHASE I       (90 Day REWIRE-REBOOT) COMPLETE
llll:llllXllll:llllXllll:llllXllll:llllXllll:llllXllll:llllXllll:llllX(lll)l:llllXllll:llll X
Last PMO 71, 72, & 73

PHASE II  "The Next 90"  (40 Day Water Fast + Remodel/Move.) In Progress
l...:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X ....:....X


MY JOURNAL, RESPONSES ARE NOW WELCOME.

Today is a new day, forgiveness is mine.  After many years, after many do overs and even a few times thru RN, I am back with no where to go but up.  Even though I was introduced to porn at a young age, I am NOT a victim of abuse in any way.  I chose to pursue porn, at first because it was exciting and new.  Then I continued in adolescence, at 12 I discovered PMO as an adjunct to just looking and continued daily into my early 20's, telling myself I was educating myself for marriage.  After marriage I used PMO as a stress/boredom cure whenever my wife was unavailable to me.  On and on I went, beginning with mags, escalating to cable TV and then VHS.  As technology marched on I kept pace, adding internet porn in with my VHS library in 98'.  I stayed this course for a few more years, but inside something was bugging me, I just knew what I was doing was wrong and I began to seek a way to stop, to understand why it held such a grip on me.  In early 04' I read the book, "She said, yes." about Cassie Bernall, a girl killed in the Columbine High school shooting.  The book described how she's recently been changing her life, became a Christian and on the fateful day was asked by on of the shooters, "If she believed in God?"...  She said, "yes" and for her courage she was murdered, shot point blank in a high school library.  As I read her story, home with the flu, tears streamed down my face and I felt my heart breaking.  You see, I knew, in my inner most being, that even though I called myself a Christian since I was a child, I was not living my life the way I should.

For the next few years I tried several different methods, I used screen filters, but in 04' there wasn't much in the way about PMO or how to kick it.  Read several books as they became available, but with limited success.  Churches I went to weren't much help as I was led to believe if I was still struggling I must not be saved.  So for several years I hobbled along, the walking wounded.  On the one hand I wanted out, but invariably I would find my way back and have to start again.  In 2007, I came across a website site that I forget the name of, but they had a special course you went thru and they provided a mentor free of charge.  The course was 60 days and at the end I got a certificate.  It took 3 tries with there program and I made it to 60 finally, but eventually I took the filter off that they'd recommended and soon after I was back to my old habits.

In 2015 I found RN for the first time, I stumbled back into PMO probably 3 times before I finally added an image blocker and a web filter.  Using this setup and the encouragement of a group of fine men and 1 woman I set out to do the "HARD 90".  The days clicked off and in what seemed like no time and soon I was being referred to as a veteran.  I felt good, it was nice having no shame and without to hard a time I surpassed 120 days.  After the 120 mark I removed my filters and screener and for about a week I was cool.  Then on or about 127 I slipped, it was like the first time I looked at a magazine as a boy.  My newly Virginized brain could hardly process the dopamine surge I experienced and just like a heroine addict, down I went.  And so I have remained since early 2016, going round and round, every 10-14 days. 

I'm back and I'm gonna do it right.  I let a troll throw me off course recently, but I hope he stays away.  I don't need any encouragement in my journal, I only want this to be for my thoughts and nothing more.  You can PM me if you wish, but please don't add to my journal.

Steps taken:
  • Identified "Escapism" as underlying root issue.
  • Setup "Pluckeye" image blocker to limit access to internet.
    (work & bill sites only!)
  • Deleted all "Games" from computer.
  • Began Reading a chapter in Proverbs every morning in the Bible.
  • Switching to "Keto Diet" & planning a future "40 day Water fast".
  • Continue learning from "Dr. Jordan Peterson" to improve psychological health.
  • Avoid daydreaming by staying active, focusing on forward motion.
  • Make "Daily To-Do" lists of  to maximize my productivity and time.
  • Make a "Weekly To-Do" list of projects & goals.
  • Composing a 5 year plan(finances, business & health).

Day 1
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 08:14:08 AM by Prodigal son »
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Prodigal son

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Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2018, 12:27:04 PM »
Day 6

Its raining here today, but I'm feeling good, staying busy and working on replacing bad habits with healthy ones.  I had gotten in the habit of watching youtube videos, and some are helpful and useful, but its easy to use it as a time suck.  I've done away with my Twitter & Facebook accounts and the message boards I frequented I've closed my accounts as well.  One video I watched that was very revealing, had to do with 4 Toxic escapism habits

Recently as I was praying about my situation, my lack of success and suddenly it became crystal clear.  My lack of success is my fault, I've been escaping instead of doing.  For years I've used PMO, Video Games, Day Dreaming and watching videos(ie, Youtube, DVD's, HULU, NETFLIX, etc.) and so on as a way to avoid the hard work, the stress and anything else I found uncomfortable of living my life.  It was easy to come up with ideas, to fantasize about doing things and safer than taking the risk or doing the work. 

Before I met my wife I avoided letting my feelings be known out of fear of being rejected.  My logic was if I don't risk it I don't have to face the hurt of failing.  Obviously this has followed me into other areas of my life and I simply put together a string of escapism habits to avoid the risk of living.  This is amazing, it makes so much sense.  I'm gonna include the link to the video below.  Escapism...  Wow, I've got a lot to do.  Not sure when I'll get back to this journal, but if this sounds like you too, maybe PMO isn't your base problem, maybe you've been escaping too.  Hallelujah!  I'm not a pervert, I'm just scared, maybe even somewhat lazy, but now I know and can change.  This is awesome.  Gotta go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pADaCLqhP1E

« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 08:39:49 AM by Prodigal son »
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Prodigal son

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Re: Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2019, 06:21:20 PM »
Day 8

Happy New Year fellow rebooters.  Did some work on a remodel my wife and I are doing. Not much to report just focusing on not letting my mind wander, which is difficult since i’ve Struggled with day dreaming since I was a child. During these times I’ve come up with some of my best ideas, including creative writing. The downside is it’s easy to wander off into things that lead to PMO as I tend to use my day dreaming as an escape. So it’s a two edged sword, so I’m trying to use this creative skill in a more purposeful way rather than a mental hedonistic vacation.  Focusing on being present is the key I think. So much of my life I’ve wasted zoning out, because it was so easy for me and actually can bare fruit in the real world. I have at times gone so deep that it feels like a trance state, but completely by accident. At times it’s felt almost like how acid trips are described and I’ve come around to find my mouth hanging open but with the most vivid solutions to problems. Must be purposeful with my thoughts and time.

« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 08:40:50 AM by Prodigal son »
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Prodigal son

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Re: Journal
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2019, 10:42:13 AM »
Day 17

So having identified my problem being less about PMO and more about escapism has been extremely helpful in moving forward.  Today is my 17th day since beginning my reboot, however I can't claim that its been without the occasional hiccup.  I have had a stumble but it didn't devolve into a relapse or binge or a wank fest.  I briefly looked at some porn(which I know is not ok), but I realized what I was doing and shut it down.  I even left my home for while.  I've PMO'd twice and the last time was 6 days ago.  Everyday as I reflect and continue to self evaluate I discover other little things I use to escape.   

I've always since my childhood struggled with Day dreaming and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 19, just after I flunked out of college.  The experts couldn't agree on whether I was full-on ADD or something else and it being the late 80's and technically I was an adult I never received any sort of treatment.  When I first set out this time I was still believing my issue was strictly a PMO issue, even though some of my details were different from some other guys and the fact that I NEVER struggled with PIED. 

Even at my most active and unrestrained I could PMO multiple times during a day, service my wife when she got home and then bust one out later that night if I couldn't sleep, but no PIED.  Also my content didn't become more and more wild in order to arouse me, I stayed pretty much to the taste's I had developed going back to my teen's.  In fact I was probably my most active from 18-21, just prior to meeting my wife.  During those years from 18-21 I was composing my own stories, making audio recordings, looking at mags at work, watching adult TV at night and PMO'ing prolly 3-5 times a day, everyday.  My use of porn and PMO became more broad and more frequent, but not anymore exotic.  I knew what I liked and I stayed to that.  I always thought it odd that my taste didn't progress wilder as that is listed as a tell-tale sign of porn addiction.  Mine was broader at different times and wasn't always daily, where most others I've followed express how compulsive they became.  Once I started dating at 21 the porn just kinda fell away, not because I became sexually active, I didn't, but I no longer needed the distraction.  My wife is the only woman I have ever kissed and we had sex the first time when I was 25 on our wedding night.

Now after getting married and moving out I did introduce porn into our marriage, but it was only for a short while and we both agreed we didn't need it.  Then in 1998, 3 years after we married and after buying our first home, but while she was still in college, I got laid off.  I have never felt so much stress, I'd spent the previous 5 years with the same company, climbing the ladder into middle management and believing this was going to be my career.  My boss/mentor had done the same thing 20 years earlier and assured me I was following in his footsteps and everything was good.  I never considered myself a go-getter, I don't ooze ambition, I just show up and do my job the best I can and have natural leadership qualities.  So when our company was bought out early in 1998 I was a little shaken' but they assured us everything was cool.  Soon we had our benefits meeting and I started to relax, but less than 6 weeks later they came in and announced they were merging us with another facility and that they didn't need any of us...  Soon after I found myself going from #2 at a distribution center to working 3 jobs to keep our roof over our heads. 

I found a new job, but it was entry level at a new place that only paid minimum wage.  To make up the difference I began delivering pizza when I got off work and then after pizza my wife and I both cleaned offices at night.  It was during this time a friend introduced us to the internet.  I'd always been good with computers, but the web was something new.  Even though this friend was female and my wife was there also, our second ever search was to see if we could find Pamela Anderson nude, she'd been in the headlines recently...  Within a few keystrokes we found here in all her glory and she wasn't alone, there was a seemingly unlimited supply of porn at your literal fingertips.

A week later we had the internet in our home and a couple of nights a week, if I couldn't sleep after I got home and my beautiful wife was asleep, I'd surf the web for porn, mainly just to see what I could find.  It was novel and exciting just to think up new searches.  I didn't realize that the novelty was giving me dopamine jolts and that I was self medicating my stress.  My use of PMO ebb'd and wane'd depending on what was going on in our lives.  Once I was more steadily employed and active again my PMO use dropped off.

Then in 04' it happened all over again, the company I was with sold out and I was unemployed, again only my debt was much higher, the house bigger and my stress level greater.  Now DVD was in the mix and so I gravitated into buying a few DVD's and once again involving my wife to enhance our sex lives.  Briefly this was ok, it did tend to get us in the mood and was higly arousing for us both, but soon I knew this wasn't how I wanted to live and not how I wanted things to be with my wife.  So in 2007 we burned the DVD's, put a filter on our computer and started working to get away from PMO. 

Since 04' my employment has never again been stable and we have a lot of debt we've continued to carry that keeps our stress elevated.  Not trying to make an excuse, just painting in the background as I discover more about myself and the how's and why's as to why I have this issue.  This week I reinstalled, "Pluckeye" to help keep from going not just to porn sites, but any place that isn't work related.  Wow, I didn't realize just what all I've been using as an escape from stress until I blocked myself from everything, not just PMO.

Last night I had a semi-erotic dream, people where in different states of undress, but no sexual activity and I woke up as soon as I realized what was happening.  Then on my way home from driving my wife to work I found myself attempting to fantasize about my wife.  Not that imagining my wife is bad, it isn't, she's awesome.  But right now I think that'd be detrimental to my success and if I continued I know I'd want to wank off thinking about her..  So without a doubt I think I'm on the right track having identified my issue is "escapism" and not just a PMO issue that comes and goes.  This gives me hope and answers a lot of my questions about why my struggle was so different than most.  I ditched all my social media, blocked the racing message boards I'd go to and even blocked my access to iTunes.  I feel a little edgy this morning as I'm finally shut off from ALL my stimuli, but its cool I've got stuff to do any wifey will be home in a few hours. ::)  ;)


« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 08:41:17 AM by Prodigal son »
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Escapism is the Highway, PMO is just one of the exits.
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2019, 08:01:55 AM »
escapism noun
es·​cap·​ism | \i-ˈskā-ˌpi-zəm
\
Definition of escapism

: habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine


Day 18


Today is my 18th day on my journey, but since adding “pluckeye” to my computer earlier this week, my energy, motivation and effectiveness have been turned up to 11.  Instead of sitting at my computer, white knuckled gripping the edge in an effort not to PMO, I’m going and doing. I setup my pluckeye in such a way as I can only go to my work site and bill paying sites, everything else is blocked and with my games deleted I have no avenues of “escape” left open to me. So I find myself bubbling with energy and enthusiasm that I just point in the most productive direction. I make lists now and use my calendar in the way Dr Jordan Peterson recommends. I have lists for big projects and then I make lists for daily goals that break the big projects into bite size pieces. I still get those powerful lusty urges, but I redirect those energies into forward motion and delay my gratification till I can share it with my spouse and WOW!  I can not tell you how good the sessions are we have now, just earth shaking scare the wildlife kinda encounters!  Didn’t mean that as a trigger for anyone, but more as a future hope of good things to come. I wish I’d understood escapism sooner, I’d been so focused on stopping porn, porn, porn for so long that my view and approach was very myopic.

So what would happen was I’d shut down the porn for a bit and then just switch to some other distraction and then another and another.  Sometimes employing multiple escapes in the same day to avoid dealing with whatever was weighing on me. Right now I feel so full of energy and potential it’s indescribable. It’s gonna takes some time to fully retrain my habits to reflexively not default to escapism, but knowing porn was one of many pieces of a different problem is freeing. Porn wasn’t my foe, it was only a single spoke in a wheel of distraction I used to escape. For years I thought I had some sick sexual hang up and that this was my problem, but now I know it was a symptom, a single tool out of several tools used to distract and satisfy my mind.  Focusing on porn as the issue filled me with guilt and shame, which many of you know this can lead to further PMO, fueling the cycle. Today is a brand new day and I want to make the most of it..  I know there are some out there for whom maybe porn IS their main issue, but maybe for you it isn’t...  maybe you too are just an escapist too and PMO is just a handy device among many you use. Check out the video I linked back on day 6, see if it sounds like you too.  I also can’t recommend DR Jordan Peterson highly enough, his insights and advice will definitely get you moving forward. Just search him on YouTube or get his book 12 rules for life. We don’t have to be victims. Feel free to PM me if you want.

« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 08:44:36 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Escapism is the highway, PMO is just one exit.
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2019, 09:12:26 AM »
Day 71(Part Deux)

I Had another journal I was doing, but it didn't draw much attention so I deleted it and moved back to my private one.  This is why this journal jumps from 18 to 74, I had a longer post here, but it vanished on saving so, oh well.

Going forward I must be purposeful with my thoughts and time and be consistent. Noted in my counter at the top of post #1, I PMO'd on days 71-73, no excuses I let my urges sway me from my goal and I decided to selfishly satisfy myself the way I wanted to in that moment.  I chose it, I am NOT a victim nor an addict, I cultivated this sinful habit because I wanted to, its as simple as that.  I'm not saying its ok, I'm just owning up to what I did.  What "I" did...

After the first time I was really down on myself and thinking, "Well I've thrown it all away in one stupid action" and so the next day I did it again and then the next day too.  These weren't hours upon hours of PMO binging or multiple MO's, just once each day for about 10 minutes.  Then on the third day I got to thinking, "hey wait, surely not all my work over the last 70 days is gone, just get back in the game".  So I picked up the pieces, climbed back on the horse and I'm gonna keep moving forward.  I'll know soon enough if I've done serious damage as I won't make it past 10 days, but If I can clear that mark I think I'm good.  If not I'll man up and RTZ.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war. And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!'




« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:26:11 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2019, 10:16:13 AM »
Day 72

72nd day, back firmly in the saddle.  A bit under the weather but pressing on with the remodel we are doing.  Planning my days really helps.  My new favorite quote, "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail." this has proven more true than I'd like to admit.  Must be purposeful with my thoughts and time.  In times past I would've reset my counter to zero since the goal is 90 straight to qualify as hard 90, but as it stands right now I'm just gonna continue.  Now if I fall again then I'll readdress a complete restart, but a wise man once told me its better to make the days count than to count the days.  When I reach 90 I won't call it a, "HARD ReBOOT" which is fair since I'm married and we have continued to have sex when we can as I've worked along.  I know from past experience that just going 90 or 100 or even 128 days like I did before does not guarantee lasting victory, which is what I want.

Every fall is an opportunity to learn more about myself and to see where I still need work, where my defenses still need attention.  Below is a promise from God that I believe and hold fast to and the only weak link in the chain is me, but He promises to provide what we need to endure.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

G' Day!


« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:26:43 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2019, 08:38:02 AM »
Day 73
Urge Level: 1

Woo-Hoo!  Morning wood has returned!  I didn't expect that so soon, but its a good sign I didn't set myself back too bad.  I feel good, no urges really, on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being insane urges I'm a 1.  Had a thought try and enter my head as I awoke but it was easily pushed aside and off we go into the day.

Later, Dudes!
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:27:01 AM by Prodigal son »
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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2019, 07:42:53 AM »
Day 74
Urge Level: 0

Didnt sleep well, but its gonna be a good day.  Wife gets home this afternoon and we have some fun planned.  I can create an erection by simply thinking of kissing her, which is awesome, no stimulation required.  Still getting random erections through out the day.  We press on to 90 and beyond.

Later, Dudes!

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:27:14 AM by Prodigal son »
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« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2019, 08:55:18 AM »
Day 75
Urge Level: 0

Didn't sleep well, had some weird dream where a female demon had these crazy long thin fangs and one was snagged in my lower back, but she was trying to push it further into me while pulling me out of the bed.  Just as I felt like I was falling out into her clutches, I woke up.  That's about it, it wasn't sexual in any way to me and I don't feel compelled to pursue any porn or MO this morning.  I was disappointed yesterday when my wife finally got home, she'd been away on call at the hospital since Friday morning and I hoped and expressed my hope that we could have some fun when she got home.  She has several health issues; Lyme disease, back & neck problems, deaf in one ear, poor depth perception and a recently repaired knee.  Because of all her issues I usually drive her to work everyday, 45 mins one way, twice a day.  Well yesterday was no different, I picked her up, drove us home and assumed she'd take a nap once we got home and she did.  After that it seemed the night conspired against me.  We got home at 4pm, she slept till 6pm, she took a bath, then we ate, wait on food to digest and then it was time for her to go to bed at 9pm.  I try to be considerate, caring, understanding and last night I was, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't peeved we didn't find time.  I don't pursue her too aggressively because she has so many health issues and a tight schedule, but I'd rather not have to carry the ball on every stinking play.  Is it wrong that I'd rather NOT boink her when she really isn't into it.  I'm just venting, but I'm tired of our routine, both in and out of the bedroom.  I don't enjoy having duty sex, if she's not into it I'd rather wait till she is, but more and more she'd rather play with her damn online game of 'Farming" than spend time in the bedroom.  Before she has her bath, she's too dirty.  After her bath, she just got clean...  Now I understand the movie, "Extract" where he has to race home before his wife can tie the string on her sweat pants or he gets no sex.  I suppose this may be some form of penance for my years of PMO.  I'm just venting my frustration, but damn I'd like to get laid.  She says she still wants me and that she still likes sex, but it doesn't seem to be as much a priority for her as it is for me.  Its a catch 22, she's tired from all she does, both at work and around the house, but if I take up the slack by doing more at home then she thinks she's failing as a wife and gets bummed.  And so it goes...  At least I'm not looking at Porn and Wanking anymore, woo-hoo.

Later, Dudes

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:27:38 AM by Prodigal son »
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« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2019, 09:17:43 AM »
Day 76
Urge Level: 0

Wife and I are both under the weather, some sort of stomach deal.  Usually this would be a time I'd crave feeling better and PMO binge, but I want none of it.  Aside from illness things are good.  Had intercourse yesterday afternoon just prior to wife getting sick, then me.  Had no issues, erection was strong and went the distance.

Later, Dudes!

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:27:55 AM by Prodigal son »
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« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2019, 07:33:09 AM »
Day 77
Urge Level: 0

77 Days, nothing to report. 
No urges,
No thoughts,
No issues.

Peace

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:28:14 AM by Prodigal son »
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« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2019, 06:59:28 AM »
Day 78
Urge Level: 0.5

Under the weather.  Yesterday I had a passing urge to MO, but I think that was because I'm sick and looking to feel better.  Any thought of Porn, just the idea, sickens me.  It all seems so pointless and empty to me now.  I don't want to ever go back, I know there is nothing for me there anymore, just misery and sadness.  For years it promised excitement and pleasure, but only gave me emptiness, shame and hopelessness.  We all long for closeness, intimacy and connection, but porn or any sort of adult entertainment/eroticism, hedonism and/or pay for sex situation won't deliver what we need.  The whole thing is a sham, smoke and mirrors that steals, kills and destroys lives.  Be well and have a good weekend.
 
No urges,
No thoughts,
No issues.

Peace

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:28:39 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Escapism is MY problem and PMO is merely an exit too often used.
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2019, 08:46:27 PM »
Day 80
Urge Level: 0

1 week to go, to complete 90 Days since I rededicated myself to quit, to quit using PMO as an escape from reality, to treat depression, boredom and stress.  I Had a very productive weekend, I feel good and for the first time in a very, very long time I'm not afraid to be alone with a PC or a television.  There were times in years past where I knew if I was alone I'd be surfing porn like mad, binging on PMO daily at every chance.  Not anymore, I have a firm grip, but I'm no fool.  Tests will surely come in the future, of this I'm sure.  I'll be ready.  Be well and have a good week.
 
No urges,
No thoughts,
No issues.

Hallelujah!

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:29:04 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Escapism is MY problem and PMO is merely an exit too often used.
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2019, 07:00:10 AM »
Day 81
Urge Level: 1.0

Had a few passing thoughts, but no impulses this morning.  I made sure to leave my ipad in the den during working hours so any random impulses don't derail me.  Seems my weakest time is in the AM when I'm not feeling well.  I think I may be experiencing some flatline issues that are contributing.  I've noticed over the last few days I haven't experienced any random erections, I can get one if inspired by my wife or even myself, but no randoms, just quietly resting.  I'm still under the weather and have had some periods of depression too, mainly over our finances, but that can't be fixed ASAP without a windfall of cash, so...  Thats all really, pressing on towards 90 and beyond.  Since I dropped the ball back at 71 I'm not considering this a "HARD 90", but still a 90 day dedication to ending my "Escapism" habits, 90 is just a mile marker.
 
Later Dudes

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:29:23 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2019, 07:37:31 AM »
Day 83
Urge Level: 0

Closing in on 90, 1 week to-go, which is cool.  I wish it was gonna be a true HARD 90, but I'm not sure being married and continuing to have sex that I was really eligible for that title anyway.  Today I'm good, no issues, no urges, no impulses or thoughts, just focused on work.  When I had my crash back at 71 it was because I let my guard down, I wasn't overcome by addiction or having too much of a sex drive, it was me being lazy.  After being in and around the PMO recovery crowd for a while you get better at spotting the guys destined to succeed and the ones still making excuses.  My favorite, "Born to lose" excuse is the guy who thinks his issue is having, "Too High a Sex Drive".  Total crap and they are probably over weight from having a, "Hormone imbalance" or "Being Big Boned" too.  Bull Shit, if you live your life making excuses you'll never get anywhere or accomplish anything.  You have to own up to it, or it owns you.

Porn & PMO IS a choice, it can become a habit, but habits can be broken, but you have to actually want to break them.  The problem is, just like any habit, you have to want to leave it behind.  If you secretly still love it and/or believe you need it, you WILL find every excuse to use it once again.  That's what I did a few days back, I made some bad decisions, broke one of my rules about PC use and suddenly found myself at the precipice.  I literally attempted to skate around the mouth of hell, knowing if I let myself get that close I most likely wouldn't have to fall in, I'd fake a stumble and dive right in. 

The old neural pathways for the PMO habit will always exist, we created them the day we chose to look at porn and then PMO reinforced it, but we can build new pathways we use instead.  Over time the old exit to PMO will fall into disrepair, grass will grow up, the lights that line it will go out and the paint on the road sign for the ramp will fade.  So the ramp will still be there, but whenever we pass by it won't look like where we should go, it will look seedy and dangerous, which it is.  This is why I use an image blocker, it helps me stay on the road I really want to be on and avoid that old exit ramp that leads to a dead end.  One day I won't need it anymore, but for now he is a trusted friend. 

Have a good week.
 
Later Dudes

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:30:06 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: Personal Journal: (No Replies Please)
« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2019, 04:52:07 PM »
Addendum to earlier.  I may get banned or something because I just sent a message to another rebooter letting him know just how disappointed I was in something he did.  No it wasn't a fall or messing up, but it was the worst thing I've ever seen another rebooter recommend to a fellow man struggling.  I came to RN 3 years ago(2-1/2) and I came in through the front door, followed Gabe Dean's recommendation and the scientific evidence, irregardless of my religious beliefs, and learned PORN IS BAD.  Porn has zero redeeming elements, if a man is honest and researches everything about porn, what it does to your brain, what it does to relationships and even what it does to the performers, IT's BAD.  PORN KILLS plain and simple.  Reboot Nation has always, from its inception been about quitting Porn & PMO to live a fuller happier life.  No where in what Reboot Nation is about has there ever been a view that keeping porn around at all was ok, it isn't.  Just like the recovering alcoholic, one drink leads to two and then you wake up behind a dumpster.  We all know or at least we use to, that you leave Porn/PMO and we don't go back, that is the goal, that is the RN motto.  So anyway I'm over in this guys journal an I notice that one of the guys I considered a friend and one of the good guys is recommending a book on, "How to use Porn responsibly", like there is such a thing.  This poor guy he recommended it to doesn't even have a week in and he's offering him a drink...  I flipped, you just don't do that and I called him on it, I don't care.  I've noticed since I've been back that a strange element has taken up residence on RN, that wants to go half-way.  No way, Uh-ah that is NOT cool!  I know how hard it is in the beginning and to offer a newbie a way to have his cake and eat it too, that is a lie that has consequences.  We're talking peoples lives here, Marriages, Businesses, relationship's, families and he's offering a little taste around behind the bar.  They can dump me I don't care.  I've never had a confrontation like this, but I could not be silent.  Whatever.  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts if you want to PM me.
« Last Edit: March 25, 2019, 07:54:39 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2019, 09:19:50 AM »
Day 84
Urge Level: 0

Yesterday was a tough day, I got really really mad like I havent been in a long time.  Outrage would be the best way to describe what I felt, but that was yesterday and I've said my peace and moved on.  I hope we can get back to supporting each other but I understand if he feels otherwise.  On to today, I feel good, I've got 6 days till I reach 90 and like I posted before, not a clean 100% hard 90, but 90 days of continuous dedication to leaving PMO behind forever and should be 87 outta 90. 


Have a good one.
 
Later Dudes

« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 06:31:38 AM by Prodigal son »
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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2019, 07:04:04 AM »
Day 85
Urge Level: 0

5 To-Go!, counting them down.  I'm disappointed that I didn't go straight thru without issue, but I've learned from every fall or setback I've ever had.  Its easy to forget when things are quiet and smooth that the old neural pathway to PMO still exist.  You get to thinking, "I've got this, I'm the man!  Nothing can touch me." and then you let one thought linger a little too long, it may not even be full on pornographic, but something in that thought leads to another.  Soon a chain of thoughts has linked up in your mind, bit by bit till your thinking about stuff that is so flammable and explosive that the slightest spark will set it off.  Then you start feeling that old tingle, that urge, that need for a release and suddenly you find yourself with your fingers hovering over the keys...  Maybe for a few moments you pause, you're new habits, knowledge and training try to regain control, but in that moment you feel like you've gone too far to stop.  All the knowledge just leaves you, you can't think of any good reasons not to proceed.  Frantically you scan you mind looking for something to grab on to that will stop you from going over the edge, but you can't find anything, you mind is overcrowded with those other thoughts.  Its like being on the Titanic, you've hit the iceberg, the life boats are all in the water now and it seems that for you there will be no rescue this time, you are going down....

That's how it was for me this last time, I was driving along and started thinking about my lovely wife and as I crossed over a lake on my way to my destination I got to thinking how nice it would be for us to have a boat one day.  Started out innocent, but soon those day dreams went in a direction I obviously shouldn't have let them go.  By the time I got home I was so worked up I was done for, PMO was on my mind, front and center.  I paused over the keys desperately trying to remember anything that might stop me and in truth I had one moment of clarity and the thought to just leave, get away, go outside. . . . .   My mistake was instead of reflexively just running away, I stayed in place, only inches from the keyboard that held my access to selfish pleasure.  and then inevitably because I left myself in a position to have to choose, I finally chose PMO and selfish pleasure to quiet the sensual storm in my mind.  I truly regret that decision, but I did it, I chose it and I had the opportunity to leave it.  I am ashamed of myself for that, it reveals to me my heart is still not fully changed, because I made the choice, no one else.  A salesman offered me something I knew I didn't need and hung around the store instead of leaving right away and ended up making a purchase I regret, buyers remorse.

Well that's enough on that, I wanted to do a postmortem on what happened and then move on.  Always be on your guard and maintain situational awareness at all times.
 
Later Dudes

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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2019, 07:33:17 AM »
Day 86
Urge Level: 0

4 To Go!  Calm seas this morning, feel positive. 


Have a good weekend.
 
Later Dudes

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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #20 on: March 24, 2019, 10:40:05 AM »
Day 87
Urge Level: 0

3 To Go!  Calm seas this morning, feel positive. 


In my sights.
 
Later Dudes

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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #21 on: March 25, 2019, 07:47:36 AM »
Day 88
Urge Level: 0

2 To Go!  Temptations show up everywhere because that's life.  Dealing with them quickly and decisively is the solution.  White flag coming out tomorrow.  Wah-Hoo!


In it to win it.
 
Later Dudes

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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2019, 08:34:20 AM »
Day 89
Urge Level: 0

HE TAKES THE WHITE FLAG, 1 Lap To Go!
  End of last year I thought I'd never make it back here, but through the power of prayer and faith in Jesus Christ my life and heart have changed.  I'm still a work in progress, I take each day one at a time, but if I continue to do as I should this war is won and victory is mine.


In it to win it.
 
Later Dudes

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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2019, 08:07:01 AM »
Day 90 3/27/2019
Urge Level: 0

HE TAKES THE CHECKERED FLAG!
  90 days ago this seemed a mountain too tough to climb, I had 40 years of failure and defeat behind me with a best effort of 128 days sober. Now I’m 90 days from a new start, not a clean 100% trip, I lost my footing for 3 days, I took my eye off the ball, but I’m pushing on to greater heights.  I still feel the occasional urge, but I quickly put them away, like scripture says to do, “take every thought captive”.  I’m NOT claiming a “HARD90” I know I don’t deserve that title as I’ve continued having sex with my wife and I willfully gave into to selfish behavior for 3 straight days. After the first day I fell into despair and thought to myself, “What does it matter, I’ve failed again?”  Then on the third day it came to me that maybe all wasn’t lost and quit beating myself up. I came clean, climbing back on my metaphoric horse and re-entered the derby. PMO is no joke, the cycle can be tough to break, but not impossible.

The old neural pathway, the PMO off ramp of selfish escapism pleasure exists in my brain, that I can not change.  What I can do is avoid taking that off ramp at all costs, just drive right by and look for a better one.  With time that old exit ramp will fall into disrepair and will no longer be an appealing destination.  The lights WILL go out, the weeds WILL grow up and the sign WILL fade and before too long you’ll wonder why we ever got off at that terrible run down place.

I must remember to consciously take new exits to healthier more righteous destinations and with every trip they will become brighter and shinier as PMO withers and fades.


In it to win it.
 
Later Dudes
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Re: You have to own up to it, or it owns you...
« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2019, 07:55:26 AM »
Day 01 "The Next 90"
Urge Level: 0
Weight: 263.2
Blood Pressure: 152/91
Heart rate: 83


The Next 90...  2 days ago I finished my initial 90 days, they weren't an official "HARD90" like I wanted, but I did stay committed to doing 90 days total, minus the 3 days where I went crazy.  So I've been playing at doing a 40+ day water only fast ever since I came back to RN, but that proved a hill to tough to climb simultaneously while resisting PMO.  I've had countless day #1's, but the best I've been able to muster is 4 days in a row and that was summer time a year ago.  During the course of this I've discovered I perform much better when I have goals, a target, something to aim at, so I'm now ready to focus on my "Next 90".  For this my goal is a minimum of 40 days of water only, plus a supplement to keep my electrolytes in check so my heart doesn't get distressed and take me out.  Right now I'm 263.2 pounds, my goal weight is 185, but weight isn't all I'm going for, I want to reboot my health, I've eaten poorly for a couple of decades and watched the weight pile on bit by bit, but with what I've learned while rebooting from PMO, it is all related. 

In my studies I discovered that using PMO the way I did wasn't just effecting my sexual performance or my relationship to my wife it was touching everything about me.  PMO causes depression, it causes impulsive behavior which leads to poor food choices and bad spending habits and on and on.  So PMO has indirectly contributed to my weight gain and my debt problems too. 

We are currently in the process of remodeling my grand parents house to make it livable again and then selling our current home to free up our cash flow so we can pay off all our debts.  So my "Next 90" is a combination of Water fasting, an actual consecutive "HARD 90" and getting moved into our new home and hopefully selling our current one.  Piece of cake.(LOL)  I'm starting the counter today as I'm making it official this morning.  The 90 after that will be a we'll just have to wait and see, but I want it to be a focus on debt.  So you may not be interested in my post-PMO progress, but I've found utility in RN for more of my life than just the PMO.

Going forward responses are welcome.


In it to win it.
 


« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 08:05:48 AM by Prodigal son »
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