Author Topic: Journal: (No replies, PM's ok)  (Read 207 times)

Prodigal son

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Journal: (No replies, PM's ok)
« on: December 24, 2018, 12:41:46 PM »
PRIVATE JOURNAL, PLEASE DO NOT POST RESPONSES OF ANY KIND.

Today is a new day, forgiveness is mine.  After many years, after many do overs and even a few times thru RN, I am back with no where to go but up.  Even though I was introduced to porn at a young age, I am NOT a victim of abuse in any way.  I chose to pursue porn, at first because it was exciting and new.  Then I continued in adolescence, at 12 I discovered PMO as an adjunct to just looking and continued daily into my early 20's, telling myself I was educating myself for marriage.  After marriage I used PMO as a stress/boredom cure whenever my wife was unavailable to me.  On and on I went, beginning with mags, escalating to cable TV and then VHS.  As technology marched on I kept pace, adding internet porn in with my VHS library in 98'.  I stayed this course for a few more years, but inside something was bugging me, I just knew what I was doing was wrong and I began to seek a way to stop, to understand why it held such a grip on me.  In early 04' I read the book, "She said, yes." about Cassie Bernall, a girl killed in the Columbine High school shooting.  The book described how she's recently been changing her life, became a Christian and on the fateful day was asked by on of the shooters, "If she believed in God?"...  She said, "yes" and for her courage she was murdered, shot point blank in a high school library.  As I read her story, home with the flu, tears streamed down my face and I felt my heart breaking.  You see, I knew, in my inner most being, that even though I called myself a Christian since I was a child, I was not living my life the way I should.

For the next few years I tried several different methods, I used screen filters, but in 04' there wasn't much in the way about PMO or how to kick it.  Read several books as they became available, but with limited success.  Churches I went to weren't much help as I was led to believe if I was still struggling I must not be saved.  So for several years I hobbled along, the walking wounded.  On the one hand I wanted out, but invariably I would find my way back and have to start again.  In 2007, I came across a website site that I forget the name of, but they had a special course you went thru and they provided a mentor free of charge.  The course was 60 days and at the end I got a certificate.  It took 3 tries with there program and I made it to 60 finally, but eventually I took the filter off that they'd recommended and soon after I was back to my old habits.

In 2015 I found RN for the first time, I stumbled back into PMO probably 3 times before I finally added an image blocker and a web filter.  Using this setup and the encouragement of a group of fine men and 1 woman I set out to do the "HARD 90".  The days clicked off and in what seemed like no time and soon I was being referred to as a veteran.  I felt good, it was nice having no shame and without to hard a time I surpassed 120 days.  After the 120 mark I removed my filters and screener and for about a week I was cool.  Then on or about 127 I slipped, it was like the first time I looked at a magazine as a boy.  My newly Virginized brain could hardly process the dopamine surge I experienced and just like a heroine addict, down I went.  And so I have remained since early 2016, going round and round, every 10-14 days. 

I'm back and I'm gonna do it right.  I let a troll throw me off course recently, but I hope he stays away.  I don't need any encouragement in my journal, I only want this to be for my thoughts and nothing more.  You can PM me if you wish, but please don't add to my journal.

Day 1
« Last Edit: January 10, 2019, 10:43:16 AM by Prodigal son »
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Re: Personal Journal: Please Do Not Post ANY Responses!
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2018, 04:57:39 PM »
Merry Christmas,

I'm home alone this Christmas as my wife is on call at the hospital and has to sleep over, due to the fact we live outside the time limit for call.  Needless to say its quiet here, but I'm feeling ok, maybe a tad bored which is one of my weak times, but once I finish this entry I'm shutting the PC down and gonna go watch a movie.  In times past I think one of my problems was I was a man of 2 minds.  On the one hand I wanted to quit, but the slightest temptation or excuse and I'd rush back to it.  That is something I will have to work on, the decision must be settled and that be it.  Had a few erotic dreams last night, which are unusual for me, but understandable I think.  No turning back, no turning back.

DAy 2
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Re: Personal Journal: Please Do Not Post ANY Responses!
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2018, 11:33:20 AM »
So far, so good.  No issues to report, only passing thought of. "Hey, I could ...".  Then I ditch the thought and go back to work.  No P, No M, No O

Day 4
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2018, 12:27:04 PM »
Its raining here today, but I'm feeling good, staying busy and working on replacing bad habits with healthy ones.  I had gotten in the habit of watching youtube videos, and some are helpful and useful, but its easy to use it as a time suck.  I've done away with my Twitter & Facebook accounts and the message boards I frequented I've closed my accounts as well.  One video I watched that was very revealing, had to do with 4 Toxic escapism habits

Recently as I was praying about my situation, my lack of success and suddenly it became crystal clear.  My lack of success is my fault, I've been escaping instead of doing.  For years I've used PMO, Video Games, Day Dreaming and watching videos(ie, Youtube, DVD's, HULU, NETFLIX, etc.) and so on as a way to avoid the hard work, the stress and anything else I found uncomfortable of living my life.  It was easy to come up with ideas, to fantasize about doing things and safer than taking the risk or doing the work. 

Before I met my wife I avoided letting my feelings be known out of fear of being rejected.  My logic was if I don't risk it I don't have to face the hurt of failing.  Obviously this has followed me into other areas of my life and I simply put together a string of escapism habits to avoid the risk of living.  This is amazing, it makes so much sense.  I'm gonna include the link to the video below.  Escapism...  Wow, I've got a lot to do.  Not sure when I'll get back to this journal, but if this sounds like you too, maybe PMO isn't your base problem, maybe you've been escaping too.  Hallelujah!  I'm not a pervert, I'm just scared, maybe even somewhat lazy, but now I know and can change.  This is awesome.  Gotta go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pADaCLqhP1E

Day 6
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Re: Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2019, 06:21:20 PM »
Happy New Year fellow rebooters.  Did some work on a remodel my wife and I are doing. Not much to report just focusing on not letting my mind wander, which is difficult since i’ve Struggled with day dreaming since I was a child. During these times I’ve come up with some of my best ideas, including creative writing. The downside is it’s easy to wander off into things that lead to PMO as I tend to use my day dreaming as an escape. So it’s a two edged sword, so I’m trying to use this creative skill in a more purposeful way rather than a mental hedonistic vacation.  Focusing on being present is the key I think. So much of my life I’ve wasted zoning out, because it was so easy for me and actually can bare fruit in the real world. I have at times gone so deep that it feels like a trance state, but completely by accident. At times it’s felt almost like how acid trips are described and I’ve come around to find my mouth hanging open but with the most vivid solutions to problems. Must be purposeful with my thoughts and time.

Day 8
« Last Edit: January 03, 2019, 10:00:52 AM by Prodigal son »
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Re: Escapism is MY problem. At last I have an answer.
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2019, 10:14:31 PM »
It’s been 5 days since my last entry, had some ups and downs but I feel good. Don’t know how many of you are familiar with Jordan Peterson, but I love his work. I first became aware of him back during the 2016 election but lately his podcast interviews and lectures on health, both physical and psychological have been a God send. He has a way of explaining things about how our minds work that just speaks to me.

For years I was convinced I was a victim, trapped in PMO’s sick cycle merry go round. Now I know I’m not a helpless victim, I don’t have to do this anymore. My prayers to have a changed heart have not gone unanswered, I can see changes in my deepest attitudes towards sex, towards women and how a healthy man should handle himself. Now the slightest glimpse of lurid advertising or suggestive music fills me with sadness and disgust. It’s not that I’m turned off to sex and attraction, quite the contrary, but now I’m aware of what and when those things are proper and with whom. I’ve chosen to get off this carousel off carnal debauchery and I’ve entrusted my rebirth and growth to the God who created all things. I am truly sorry it’s taken me this long to reach this point, but I have reached it and that is what counts. There will be good days and bad days going forward but I have what I need to meet the challenge. 

Below is some scripture I find appropriate in cultivating the right attitude toward porn, which in my view is virtual adultery.  It may not come with the risk of VD or unwanted pregnancies but it still damages us anyway as we all know or we wouldn’t be here.

Day 13

Proverbs 6:20-35 ESV

Warnings against adultery

My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching. Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching a light, and the reproofs of discipline are the way of life, to preserve you from the evil woman, from the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes; for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread, but a married woman  hunts down a precious life. Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; none who touches her will go unpunished. People do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his appetite when he is hungry, but if he is caught, he will pay sevenfold; he will give all the goods of his house. He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself. He will get wounds and dishonor, and his disgrace will not be wiped away. For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge. He will accept no compensation; he will refuse though you multiply gifts.
 
 
« Last Edit: January 06, 2019, 10:35:38 PM by Prodigal son »
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Re: Journal
« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2019, 10:42:13 AM »
So having identified my problem being less about PMO and more about escapism has been extremely helpful in moving forward.  Today is my 17th day since beginning my reboot, however I can't claim that its been without the occasional hiccup.  I have had a stumble but it didn't devolve into a relapse or binge or a wank fest.  I briefly looked at some porn(which I know is not ok), but I realized what I was doing and shut it down.  I even left my home for while.  I've PMO'd twice and the last time was 6 days ago.  Everyday as I reflect and continue to self evaluate I discover other little things I use to escape.   

I've always since my childhood struggled with Day dreaming and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 19, just after I flunked out of college.  The experts couldn't agree on whether I was full-on ADD or something else and it being the late 80's and technically I was an adult I never received any sort of treatment.  When I first set out this time I was still believing my issue was strictly a PMO issue, even though some of my details were different from some other guys and the fact that I NEVER struggled with PIED. 

Even at my most active and unrestrained I could PMO multiple times during a day, service my wife when she got home and then bust one out later that night if I couldn't sleep, but no PIED.  Also my content didn't become more and more wild in order to arouse me, I stayed pretty much to the taste's I had developed going back to my teen's.  In fact I was probably my most active from 18-21, just prior to meeting my wife.  During those years from 18-21 I was composing my own stories, making audio recordings, looking at mags at work, watching adult TV at night and PMO'ing prolly 3-5 times a day, everyday.  My use of porn and PMO became more broad and more frequent, but not anymore exotic.  I knew what I liked and I stayed to that.  I always thought it odd that my taste didn't progress wilder as that is listed as a tell-tale sign of porn addiction.  Mine was broader at different times and wasn't always daily, where most others I've followed express how compulsive they became.  Once I started dating at 21 the porn just kinda fell away, not because I became sexually active, I didn't, but I no longer needed the distraction.  My wife is the only woman I have ever kissed and we had sex the first time when I was 25 on our wedding night.

Now after getting married and moving out I did introduce porn into our marriage, but it was only for a short while and we both agreed we didn't need it.  Then in 1998, 3 years after we married and after buying our first home, but while she was still in college, I got laid off.  I have never felt so much stress, I'd spent the previous 5 years with the same company, climbing the ladder into middle management and believing this was going to be my career.  My boss/mentor had done the same thing 20 years earlier and assured me I was following in his footsteps and everything was good.  I never considered myself a go-getter, I don't ooze ambition, I just show up and do my job the best I can and have natural leadership qualities.  So when our company was bought out early in 1998 I was a little shaken' but they assured us everything was cool.  Soon we had our benefits meeting and I started to relax, but less than 6 weeks later they came in and announced they were merging us with another facility and that they didn't need any of us...  Soon after I found myself going from #2 at a distribution center to working 3 jobs to keep our roof over our heads. 

I found a new job, but it was entry level at a new place that only paid minimum wage.  To make up the difference I began delivering pizza when I got off work and then after pizza my wife and I both cleaned offices at night.  It was during this time a friend introduced us to the internet.  I'd always been good with computers, but the web was something new.  Even though this friend was female and my wife was there also, our second ever search was to see if we could find Pamela Anderson nude, she'd been in the headlines recently...  Within a few keystrokes we found here in all her glory and she wasn't alone, there was a seemingly unlimited supply of porn at your literal fingertips.

A week later we had the internet in our home and a couple of nights a week, if I couldn't sleep after I got home and my beautiful wife was asleep, I'd surf the web for porn, mainly just to see what I could find.  It was novel and exciting just to think up new searches.  I didn't realize that the novelty was giving me dopamine jolts and that I was self medicating my stress.  My use of PMO ebb'd and wane'd depending on what was going on in our lives.  Once I was more steadily employed and active again my PMO use dropped off.

Then in 04' it happened all over again, the company I was with sold out and I was unemployed, again only my debt was much higher, the house bigger and my stress level greater.  Now DVD was in the mix and so I gravitated into buying a few DVD's and once again involving my wife to enhance our sex lives.  Briefly this was ok, it did tend to get us in the mood and was higly arousing for us both, but soon I knew this wasn't how I wanted to live and not how I wanted things to be with my wife.  So in 2007 we burned the DVD's, put a filter on our computer and started working to get away from PMO. 

Since 04' my employment has never again been stable and we have a lot of debt we've continued to carry that keeps our stress elevated.  Not trying to make an excuse, just painting in the background as I discover more about myself and the how's and why's as to why I have this issue.  This week I reinstalled, "Pluckeye" to help keep from going not just to porn sites, but any place that isn't work related.  Wow, I didn't realize just what all I've been using as an escape from stress until I blocked myself from everything, not just PMO.

Last night I had a semi-erotic dream, people where in different states of undress, but no sexual activity and I woke up as soon as I realized what was happening.  Then on my way home from driving my wife to work I found myself attempting to fantasize about my wife.  Not that imagining my wife is bad, it isn't, she's awesome.  But right now I think that'd be detrimental to my success and if I continued I know I'd want to wank off thinking about her..  So without a doubt I think I'm on the right track having identified my issue is "escapism" and not just a PMO issue that comes and goes.  This gives me hope and answers a lot of my questions about why my struggle was so different than most.  I ditched all my social media, blocked the racing message boards I'd go to and even blocked my access to iTunes.  I feel a little edgy this morning as I'm finally shut off from ALL my stimuli, but its cool I've got stuff to do any wifey will be home in a few hours. ::)  ;)

Day 17
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/

Prodigal son

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Escapism is the Highway, PMO is just one of the exits.
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2019, 08:01:55 AM »
Today is my 18th day on my journey, but since adding “pluckeye” to my computer earlier this week, my energy, motivation and effectiveness have been turned up to 11.  Instead of sitting at my computer, white knuckled gripping the edge in an effort not to PMO, I’m going and doing. I setup my pluckeye in such a way as I can only go to my work site and bill paying sites, everything else is blocked and with my games deleted I have no avenues of “escape” left open to me. So I find myself bubbling with energy and enthusiasm that I just point in the most productive direction. I make lists now and use my calendar in the way Dr Jordan Peterson recommends. I have lists for big projects and then I make lists for daily goals that break the big projects into bite size pieces. I still get those powerful lusty urges, but I redirect those energies into forward motion and delay my gratification till I can share it with my spouse and WOW!  I can not tell you how good the sessions are we have now, just earth shaking scare the wildlife kinda encounters!  Didn’t mean that as a trigger for anyone, but more as a future hope of good things to come. I wish I’d understood escapism sooner, I’d been so focused on stopping porn, porn, porn for so long that my view and approach was very myopic.

So what would happen was I’d shut down the porn for a bit and then just switch to some other distraction and then another and another.  Sometimes employing multiple escapes in the same day to avoid dealing with whatever was weighing on me. Right now I feel so full of energy and potential it’s indescribable. It’s gonna takes some time to fully retrain my habits to reflexively not default to escapism, but knowing porn was one of many pieces of a different problem is freeing. Porn wasn’t my foe, it was only a single spoke in a wheel of distraction I used to escape. For years I thought I had some sick sexual hang up and that this was my problem, but now I know it was a symptom, a single tool out of several tools used to distract and satisfy my mind.  Focusing on porn as the issue filled me with guilt and shame, which many of you know this can lead to further PMO, fueling the cycle. Today is a brand new day and I want to make the most of it..  I know there are some out there for whom maybe porn IS their main issue, but maybe for you it isn’t...  maybe you too are just an escapist too and PMO is just a handy device among many you use. Check out the video I linked back on day 6, see if it sounds like you too.  I also can’t recommend DR Jordan Peterson highly enough, his insights and advice will definitely get you moving forward. Just search him on YouTube or get his book 12 rules for life. We don’t have to be victims. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Day 18

escapism noun
es·​cap·​ism | \i-ˈskā-ˌpi-zəm
\
Definition of escapism

: habitual diversion of the mind to purely imaginative activity or entertainment as an escape from reality or routine

« Last Edit: January 11, 2019, 10:07:30 AM by Prodigal son »
he was lost and has been found.

http://www.pluckeye.net/