Author Topic: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone  (Read 1087 times)

Remington.22

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If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« on: December 23, 2018, 06:50:27 PM »
Hello fellow warriors,

If I may I'd like to offer some more words of advice for the struggling. (Did something similar here a couple of weeks ago: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16419.0)  Tell someone.

A BIG part of this addiction's power over us lies in the personal and private nature of sexuality, whether healthy or deviant. Sex just isn't something that comes up in polite conversation, and rightly so. It is largely private, but that very fact is a support pillar for this addiction. I lived for decades with no one knowing about my addiction but me, thus we sit, stew in our own juices, suffer privately all the while becoming more disgusted with ourselves.

Talking it over with e-friends is good, but its not the same as IRL, face-to-face interaction. When we open up & tell people we rob the addiction of one of its powers.  I'm almost to 9 months 100% pron-free; at lunch with a friend yesterday (who had no idea about my secret) we were talking about our marriages and I just came out with it "Matt, I've been a porn addict for years but finally kicked that demon out of my life once & for all earlier this year. I'm completely done and totally victorious over it." ...and the conversation continued. I can now just come right out with it and put it on the table. You've no idea how liberating that is! Its such a non-entity in my life that now telling people is no big deal. Every time we tell someone we stick another dagger in the demon's heart.

If you're still living a completely secret life, open up the closet door.  Its not easy but tell someone. A friend, a sibling, an elder at church, whatever.  Take that power back.

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2018, 08:19:29 PM »
i remember when i first found out i had PIED, i failed miserbly with a girl due to my inability to get up or feel anything. DAY AFTER THAT i posted on my FACEBOOK WALL that i had erectile dysfunction. on my facebook wall for everyone to see and the girl i tried sex with told me im crazy for doing that. you told your "friend" after 9 months?? that is bullshit. you should have screamed out about it on day 1 if you really want to spread this idea of sharing like you are trying to do. 9 months??????? i relapsed after 8 months so nobody would knew if i was like you??
My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2018, 08:23:04 PM »
are you the rubberband guy? i think you are. that was extremely helpful, you said it works which is ridiculous to say about anything that works for porn addiction but it is really working for me for now and im really grateful to you personally because i never heard of that kind of advice. i can also pinch myself or get creative with it but rubberband idea is my main reason im doing 2+ weeks now. that is big shit in my whole life and thank you for that. i want to know though, how you came up with that?? im still pretty sure you are rubberband guy.
My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

malando

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2018, 08:49:29 PM »
I agree that telling somebody about it is a good thing, but telling somebody like you did after 9 months of success was a pretty easy sort of confession compared to admitting it while you were still using porn. You confessed as a reformed addict, with your dignity intact Like porn was just an anomaly in your life and now you're a respectable guy again - in fact, even stronger because you saw the error of your ways and turned things around. Everybody loves a good redemption story. Confessing as a current using addict is a LOT harder because you sense judgement that the person you're confessing to is actively imagining what you're likely to go home and do tonight, and all the imagery that brings up. So whilst I agree with the sentiment, your confession was really not very noteworthy given you have already conquered your addiction. It might also be seen as somewhat arrogant to tout your accomplishment - especially if you suspect the person you're talking to is using porn. ie. You confessed your victory more than your addiction. Only you can say why it was useful to confess after you've already quit. Nevertheless, congrats on staying clean and being willing to talk to others about porn addiction. Every little bit helps.

joepanic

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2018, 12:51:36 AM »
I'm not sure I agree you must tell anyone  about a porn addiction   I have been fighting this for many years and I feel I am slowly winning the battle   I also think its a touch arrogant  to tell other to "spit out there personal failure" while you waiting till 9 months after  your victory    Why did you not tell anyone  while you were in the throws of the addiction?   I  plan to fight this thing till its buried in the ground forever  and will not ever tell anyone  about it  I feel it will be best left behind   Its one thing for us to tell each other here  as there is no chance of future entanglements  on the topic   but to have someone  who knows me personally   it will always sit in my mind  what they must think of me   No thanks to that

   cheers and congratulations on your victory


      Post often it helped me it will help you 

Douplefapastronaut

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2018, 11:42:36 AM »
I have a question to ask you.
I've been in the reboot for a few months now.
From 10/25/2018 to 12/1/18 (so just over a month) I had 1 wet dreams every 3 days.
I have read about yourbrainonporn that, in the reboot process, it happens to have several wet dreams in a row for some period of time.
Now this period of frequent wet dreams is over (from 02/12/18 to 12/24/18 I only had 2 wet dreams).
I wonder: how long will it take to have 100% morning wood? How long will it take to have spontaneus erections during the day? How long it will take to be able to get an erection with the touch of my hand (now I can with the touch of my hand to have a 30% erection)?

If you can not answer these questions, can you tell me what were your timing, your successes and your erection recoveries during your reboot?

aquarius25

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2018, 02:09:51 PM »
I know I am a wife of a porn addict but I just want to say something to the concept of telling someone. I agree telling a person face to face is really a huge step in taking control of this addiction and really owning it. It is scary, just like any big secret is, but it is a necessary one. Stepping out of shame and secret into the open also allows you to have more layers of accountability and to get more support in your daily life. One thing I want to be clear about, and this is just my opinion so you don't have to agree, is that each person is in their own place with their addiction. It doesn't matter if they tell someone on 9 seconds into realizing their addiction or 9 months or 9 years! It is still scary, they can still feel the weight and fear of being judged and I think we should be a place of encouragement. Good job reaching out! I would encourage every addict and their partner to reach out and talk with someone in person. We aren't here to judge others progress, we should encourage each other wherever they are at today to be even better tomorrow.

I will also say as a partner I had a ton of fear talking to someone in life about this too. I was worried they would think my husband was sick, that they would judge and view him differently and that they would distance their kids from my kids. There were so many things I was afraid of. Looking back, sadly, I think I was more scared than my husband was. We both have dealt with our fears and through that we had good and bad experiences but at the end of the day being able to talk about it and not feel shame and fear is so much better!!! We both are at a place where we can talk openly about it and have no fear at all. It is liberating and allows us to help others as well.

DoneAtLast

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2018, 02:32:36 PM »
This is all very good advice, but I'm not sure it can be applied to 100% of all cases.  Here's why I think it is good and doesn't always apply:

1.  Shame is bad.  If you're keeping it a secret because you're ashamed of it, telling someone can be a huge release, and can also disarm that weapon that porn has on you, and tells you all is hopeless.  However, if you don't have the right friends, it can backfire.  Finding someone you trust first is important.  Plus, posting it on social media can be good, and bravo to anyone willing to struggle in public to help others join them in their quest, but it also leaves you open for lots of negativity.

2.  Telling someone when things go well, but keeping to yourself when things don't go well doesn't help.  Malando makes this point, and there was a good thread started by aquarius25 a while ago discussing a couple friend where the guy seemed to go quiet when it wasn't going well.  That is the roller coaster of rebooting, of going from optimism to horrible nihilism with each relapse.
 If you need to wait until you're clean to share your story that's cool, but it isn't quite the same.  I would stop short of saying that it is wrong or hypocritical for someone to talk about it when clean.  I post more now that I'm past it than I ever did when I was fighting it.  A big part of that is because I can wrap my head around it and articulate it much better than I could when I was still fighting it.  If one of the "super powers" of quitting is the ability to speak up about porn addiction, then there is nothing hypocritical about it.

3.  You don't have to go it alone, but... some DO have to go it alone.  If someone doesn't have anyone they can turn to, and, addiction is often fueled by loneliness, sense of alienation/abandonment/neglect, then creating an added anxiety by not having someone to talk to about their porn addiction will make it backfire.  I think these boards are so important for that.  For some, they will be a stepping stone to talking to someone in real life.  For others, the buck will stop here, and for that reason it is important we all hang out to be there for those who need it.  I talked to people on these boards, to my confessors, and one conversation with a therapist which didn't materialize to anything for lack of funds.  Of course I would have preferred it to be otherwise, but I made the best of what I had. 

Remington.22

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2018, 12:35:13 AM »
"you told your "friend" after 9 months?? that is bullshit."
"It might also be seen as somewhat arrogant to tout your accomplishment"
"I'm not sure I agree you must tell anyone  about a porn addiction"
"I also think its a touch arrogant  to tell other to "spit out there personal failure" while you waiting till 9 months after  your victory    Why did you not tell anyone  while you were in the throws of the addiction?"

Wow, ease up on me, everyone. I was just trying to post what I thought would be some helpful thoughts along with a personal testimony.  At no point did I say "YOU MUST TELL" somebody.  Other than "we need to stop watching porn", I don't know that there are any absolutes here.  There's no one-size-fits-all solution.  We're all at various stages of recovery, some are ahead of me & I'm ahead of some others.  I was merely sharing an event that happened to me the other day --now at the 9 months sober mark-- that was very empowering. It helped me in MY struggle so I surmised is may be of help to others in theirs.

Nor did I ever state that I waited 9 months to tell anybody and told no one while in the grip of this addiction.  I did.  No idea how yall reached that conclusion.  This just happened at lunch with a buddy on Friday, I thought some others here may find the testimony an encouragement and so I posted about it for their/your benefit.  Had I any idea I'd be branded 'arrogant' and told my experience was 'bullshit' I wouldn't have bothered. sheesh

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2018, 12:28:03 PM »
well buddy, you said you was hiding your addiction for DECADES and NOW AFTER 9 MONTHS OF REBOOT you can freely tell someone and how liberating and rewarding it is so we should share it face to face too. so what would you assume from that? its not the problem in the sharing, we should, but who can wait 9 months? that is basically like saying dont tell anyone. at that point the hardest part of the reboot is gone and you can boast about it, not reach out for help.

im not saying you are bullshit, im saying that is bullshit. you are good, doing good with this addiction and offering advice here trying to help. that rubberband is my savior now. actually im pinching myself because i go hardcore with the rubberband it snaps rather quickly but the concept is working good, im on 15 days since i heard that. im still at the beginning but im doing better than before. we should share face to face IRL too but if you want to tell people how empowering can be to share your story you should pick some other experience when you was in deep shit.. not about sharing it after 9 months of rebooting when you are winning big time.
« Last Edit: December 25, 2018, 04:19:18 PM by Nikola Numez »
My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

Remington.22

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2018, 02:45:30 PM »
It just so happened the other day at lunch and I thought "wow, that was neat. think I'll share."  Hadn't gone nearly that deep into analysis with it.

Gracie

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2018, 09:27:17 AM »
Remington, what matters most is you said it outloud to someone.  It does not matter when ( although I do have a caveat I will explain).  Telling holds you accountable to remain free.  If you never tell, it is easier to relapse because no one will know.   Speaking outloud uses many of your senses and that is what makes the commitment real. You think what you say, your mouth is used to speak, your ears hear the words.  It further grounds you in your commitment to be rid of porn.  Good for you!

Now the caveat.  As a partner, I feel if you are married or in a long term committed relationship, you should tell.  I have a few reasons.  One is sitting and telling your partner is painful to them. I will not deny that.  But, it is far less painful than the partner discovering the use.  That my friend is devastating.  And as painful as disclosure is, it allows two to work on the problem.   My husband did not realize what it had done to him until we talked about how different he became. And how he made a decision about our sex life without including me. 

The other reason is, without telling your partner, it is easier to use and no one else knows.  Communication with your partneris the linch pin of use.  Porn causes the user to disconnect from others and becomes a false reliver.  Living in your head is not the answer.  To truly leave porn use behind, you must reach out to others for comfort, encouragement, understanding and most importantly love.

Just my thoughts.   And keep telling to those yoh can.  Bring this out of the darkness.




DoneAtLast

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2018, 09:43:39 AM »
I don't think posting a revelation out of a moment of enthusiasm for the rebooting process is "bullshit".  Yeah, we get highs and lows in rebooting and sometimes those highs can seem overly rosy a little bit after; in fact, I think this can be damaging when we relapse, because we question those highs.  Obviously good discussions are to be had about how/when/why/who to tell about your addiction, but "bullshit" is just too strong of a word for my tastes.  I disagree with the OP on a couple things (see my prior post), but I have to defend him on this.  No two stories on here are going to be exactly the same... his involved finally telling someone after being clean 9 months.  That isn't my story, it isn't anyone else's story, but it brought him great joy and he wanted to share it.  Wherein is the "bullshit"?

Remington.22

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2018, 12:24:51 PM »
No two stories on here are going to be exactly the same... his involved finally telling someone after being clean 9 months.  That isn't my story, it isn't anyone else's story, but it brought him great joy and he wanted to share it.  Wherein is the "bullshit"?

Thanks, DoneAtLast, I appreciate the support and understanding. However this final thought of yours isn't accurate. Somehow all of you have read into my post that I waited 9 months before telling someone and that lunch Friday was somehow my 'coming out' party.  It wasn't.  Friday wasn't the first time I told anyone it was THE MOST RECENT time.  I did tell my spouse fairly early on in the reboot process & completely agree with you. It was difficult. It was painful. It was necessary.

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2018, 02:29:36 PM »
Quote
Wherein is the "bullshit"?
he was offering words of wisdom to those who are struggling. giving advice about honesty and how liberating it is but keeping your mouth shut for first 9 months of rebooting is bullshit. i know you are agreeing with me so i dont know whats your problem here with what im saying.
My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

WoundedSparrow

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2018, 03:12:11 PM »
Maybe that works for you, but not for me. The shame is one of the worst things about porn addiction, and it isn't something I want to share with others. Once it's out there, my family, friends, and whoever else will never look at me the same way again. It's not a mark I wish to carry in the eyes of others. Maybe once porn has long been out of my life, I'll open up about it publicly, if and when the time is right. I also plan on confessing it to the woman I'll eventually want to marry, as I think my future wife deserves to know such things. Other than that, it stays with me.

DoneAtLast

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2018, 10:16:13 PM »
Quote
Wherein is the "bullshit"?
he was offering words of wisdom to those who are struggling. giving advice about honesty and how liberating it is but keeping your mouth shut for first 9 months of rebooting is bullshit. i know you are agreeing with me so i dont know whats your problem here with what im saying.

Yeah... not really seeing the need for so much anger on the point.  Because his reboot wasn't the same as yours or what you feel an ideal reboot should be and now he wants to offer advice it is bullshit? 

I regularly offer advice on here that I didn't take myself for a long, long time.  Maybe all of those threads where I spoke up needed someone to post and tell me it was all "bullshit" because I didn't do a perfect reboot the first time I tried.

"I went skydiving for my 30th birthday.  It was great!  You should try it."
"But I'm only 23."
"That's okay, you should try it now."
"You waited until you were 30, but I should do it when I'm 23?  That's BULLSHIT!"

See where I'm going?  I just don't see why this warrants such strong language.  Good points can be made about ideal times to reach out to others during a reboot, but... yeah, this is just nuts.

malando

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2018, 07:56:35 AM »
I agree with DoneAtLast - everybody should just dial it down a little. Remington has provided further details since the first post which has put things more into context. Which is great because the first post was very much open to interpretation: as much as I understand his frustrated response to our feedback, he also needs to own the fact that his first post was so open to interpretation and that not enough details and context were present. We shouldn't be required to guess so many absent details, IMO. Anyway, I think we can all just get over ourselves now and accept that there was some misunderstanding involved. We don't need to flog this dead horse any longer. Remington: I hope there are no hard feelings and congrats on your success to date.

changemylife

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2018, 08:02:00 AM »
I agree with DoneAtLast - everybody should just dial it down a little. Remington has provided further details since the first post which has put things more into context. Which is great because the first post was very much open to interpretation: as much as I understand his frustrated response to our feedback, he also needs to own the fact that his first post was so open to interpretation and that not enough details and context were present. We shouldn't be required to guess so many absent details, IMO. Anyway, I think we can all just get over ourselves now and accept that there was some misunderstanding involved. We don't need to flog this dead horse any longer. Remington: I hope there are no hard feelings and congrats on your success to date.

Nice said. +1

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2018, 01:24:34 PM »
Quote
I agree that telling somebody about it is a good thing, but telling somebody like you did after 9 months of success was a pretty easy sort of confession compared to admitting it while you were still using porn. You confessed as a reformed addict, with your dignity intact Like porn was just an anomaly in your life and now you're a respectable guy again - in fact, even stronger because you saw the error of your ways and turned things around. Everybody loves a good redemption story. Confessing as a current using addict is a LOT harder because you sense judgement that the person you're confessing to is actively imagining what you're likely to go home and do tonight, and all the imagery that brings up. So whilst I agree with the sentiment, your confession was really not very noteworthy given you have already conquered your addiction. It might also be seen as somewhat arrogant to tout your accomplishment - especially if you suspect the person you're talking to is using porn. ie. You confessed your victory more than your addiction.

malando said your confession was really not very noteworthy given you have already conquered your addiction and i just said it much more shortly, its bullshit. malando said it much closer to your taste so read this quote again if you dont like my choice of words because im not gonna tailor it to your personal liking. you said its nuts i said its bullshit and so what? you gonna judge my choice of words and then tell me "its nuts".

it does not matter whether you shared your story or not, sharing is good. you dont have to do something in order to tell someone that it is good thing to do. did i said its bullshit that remi suggested that sharing is good and liberating or the bullshit part was about something else? for example: you dont have to quit porn addiction to tell someone that quitting is the only way to go. you dont even get that part that i agree with that, do you? from your posts, obviously not. with your example about skydiving, i think there is no hope for you to figure it out. its not the end of the world though...

obviously we figured out that remi did not thought too deeply about his post he just felt good about telling his friend who was in the dark about his addiction and thought of sharing the good experience he had. he quickly corrected himself so this is not about remi...


My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

joepanic

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #20 on: December 27, 2018, 02:28:50 PM »
Perhaps this post should have been called   "after you beat the addiction  Tell someone you were addicted to porn and beat the addicition  …..  its liberating"   Than people will know what your talking about

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #21 on: December 27, 2018, 04:12:41 PM »
Perhaps this post should have been called   "after you beat the addiction  Tell someone you were addicted to porn and beat the addicition  …..  its liberating"   Than people will know what your talking about
yeah thats the part i called bullshit.
Quote
"after you beat the addiction  Tell someone you were addicted to porn and beat the addicition  …..  its liberating"
if thats not bullshit i dont know what is. if calling that bullshit is too strong language then you need to grow something about yourself and adapt to real life.

original poster, remington said it was complete misunderstanding and i thought it was real so thats why i commented its bullshit. remington is really good guy and i like he is here on this forum. it happens to everyone to get misunderstood. it obviously happened to me too on this topic because there is no way @doneAtLast is disagreeing with me if he actually knows what im talkin about.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 04:14:21 PM by Nikola Numez »
My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019

DoneAtLast

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #22 on: December 27, 2018, 10:37:13 PM »
I do know what you're talking about, at least insofar as you seem to agree with joepanic.  You're seeing a logical problem... to beat the addiction, you must do something that is conditional upon having first beaten the addiction.  Except, that isn't what he was saying.  You cite Malando's post, but Malando himself has said his post was based on a misreading where the first post was left too much open to interpretation.  Personally, I never had that interpretive problem... I saw it just as him feeling on top of the world for finally getting something off of his chest, which is beneficial to really anyone.  He advised others to try the same, which I responded with my own reservations (opening up isn't an option, or a wise option, for everyone), but had no problem with his advice with said conditions.  The problem is that your criticism is based on something you imagined him saying.  Once that falls through, the criticism should become null, but somehow it is hanging on for no obvious reason. 

Or, maybe many simply read a "holier than thou" tone to his post, and felt a need to tear him down for waiting for nine months into a reboot.  Again, there is nothing in his text that lends a superior/condescending tone.  I read it as catharsis and enthusiasm.  Many others have posted on this board in the same way and from the same spirited disposition, including myself!  When we have good days, we want to share our success.  If I am missing some line where he berates people on the board or tries to make himself seem superior, then someone please quote it.  Otherwise, you're putting words into his mouth and getting upset at him for things he never said.

Thank you kindly for your advice on which body parts you feel I need to grow to greater fortitude, but I really don't think my masculine proportions are relevant to the issue at hand.  Show us exactly what is getting your knickers into a twist on this instead of just saying "bullshit" over and over again, and changing the subject to my testicular endowment.  This board needs to be better than just shouting matches. 

We need to be taking great joy in the successes and charitable in the setbacks of our fellow rebooters, regardless of where in the journey they lie.  I don't see much point in working against this.

DoneAtLast

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #23 on: December 27, 2018, 10:50:06 PM »
No two stories on here are going to be exactly the same... his involved finally telling someone after being clean 9 months.  That isn't my story, it isn't anyone else's story, but it brought him great joy and he wanted to share it.  Wherein is the "bullshit"?

Thanks, DoneAtLast, I appreciate the support and understanding. However this final thought of yours isn't accurate. Somehow all of you have read into my post that I waited 9 months before telling someone and that lunch Friday was somehow my 'coming out' party.  It wasn't.  Friday wasn't the first time I told anyone it was THE MOST RECENT time.  I did tell my spouse fairly early on in the reboot process & completely agree with you. It was difficult. It was painful. It was necessary.

I apologize for misquoting you, though I stand by what I said.  Even if you did stay zipped up to everyone for nine months, then that is okay too.  We all find our strength at different times and in different ways, and opening up like that has higher stakes for some than others.  Changing that detail shouldn't make the difference between you meriting that criticism or not.  I just don't see how it is a competition of who tells others the earliest in the process.  Though, it certainly does nullify many of the arguments, and I see your point!

Johnny Trailer

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Re: If you haven't told anybody,...tell someone
« Reply #24 on: December 28, 2018, 10:24:41 AM »
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The problem is that your criticism is based on something you imagined him saying.  Once that falls through, the criticism should become null, but somehow it is hanging on for no obvious reason. 

imagined because he left too many details out of the story as you, me, malando and remi said. i said it many times it was based on OP (original post) and OP corrected himself so its all good now but YOU keep hanging to my old outdated post that OP was bullshit. how old are you? yes i do think your age may be relevant to the issue at hand. or do you speak english well?

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Thank you kindly for your advice on which body parts you feel I need to grow to greater fortitude, but I really don't think my masculine proportions are relevant to the issue at hand.
who said its body part and especially some masculine part  ;D are you even for real? when somebody tells you to grow up you think they mean dick, balls, muscle or whatever masculine part of your body ;D



My last relapse: 14. Aug. 2019