Time to put the pen to paper

[CB]

Day 18

Just didn’t sleep that well, know I’m more prone to get urges and relapse when I’m tired. Keeping on pushing..

[PE30]

Hey, just reading through your diary. You're making good progress,keep it up. And don't kid yourself that a minor relaxation is a good idea. Don't convince yourself that Insta is fine because it's not porn. Set your mind on better things. And enjoy your real life relationship. Wishing you all the best.

[changemylife]

Hey, just reading through your diary. You're making good progress,keep it up. And don't kid yourself that a minor relaxation is a good idea. Don't convince yourself that Insta is fine because it's not porn. Set your mind on better things. And enjoy your real life relationship. Wishing you all the best.

That bullshit Instagram, Facebook and other shit like that, are like taking sips from the bottle when you are a recovering alcoholic. Why sabotage yourself. True, you brain is begging for any micro-dose of dopamine, that's when those platforms become interesting. It's like mating season but with a screen hahahaha

[CB]

Day 19

Me and me girlfriend had a great chill evening yesterday, just great not doing anything sometimes.
Today has felt a little bit easier to ignore the urges and not wandering off on the internet and looking at pictures of girls.

Thanks guys! Means a lot for the encouragement, we just need to readjust our behavior and not falling for temptation. I remember quitting snus wich is tobacco you put under your lip, it took more than a year for me to quit. And I haven’t used it since.. Just need to keep pushing and working on my psychological thought progression in this as well.
Knowledge about obessive behavior and addiction is a great deal of help. As you guys say, the other voice we have in us trying to convince us stuff is okay.. ”just one more time it’s okay” And ”what if I can’t get rid of this?” I’m sure everyone with addictive personality faces these false thoughts.

[changemylife]

Day 19

Me and me girlfriend had a great chill evening yesterday, just great not doing anything sometimes.
Today has felt a little bit easier to ignore the urges and not wandering off on the internet and looking at pictures of girls.

Thanks guys! Means a lot for the encouragement, we just need to readjust our behavior and not falling for temptation. I remember quitting snus wich is tobacco you put under your lip, it took more than a year for me to quit. And I haven’t used it since.. Just need to keep pushing and working on my psychological thought progression in this as well.
Knowledge about obessive behavior and addiction is a great deal of help. As you guys say, the other voice we have in us trying to convince us stuff is okay.. ”just one more time it’s okay” And ”what if I can’t get rid of this?” I’m sure everyone with addictive personality faces these false thoughts.

When hard urges would kick in, I had that voice in my ear telling me: "You can't do this right now. Just relapse this time and next time maybe you get stronger. Maybe now you are not that balanced emotionally and it won't work. Next time maybe it's different". bla bla bla Fuck this! You are never more ready. Better times never come. You have to do it this time if you've started already.

[CB]

Day 20

Yeah, it’s poisonous. The way the mind craves a fix. I think more or less throughout the days I’m in a wrestling match against my addict self. ”one more time, just one time and then I’m good” No can’t do that. That voice has led me down the slope for more than 2 decades.
Keep at it!

[CB]

Day 21

Haven’t really reflected much over any withdrawals today. I noticed myself went in on facebook to look around and logged out. Had sex yesterday me and my girlfriend, it felt great. I felt I had a more intense feeling afterwards to look at pmo. But it went away, just keeping on pushing.

[CB]

Day 22

Have urges to look and impulses to get on the web and have a peek. Nothing I’ve done.
Still these thoughts ”what if it won’t stop?” and ”I’m maybe not strong enough”
Negative thoughts I won’t give in to.
Have a nice day!

[changemylife]

That's exactly what happens. When the urges get strong, the impulses to peek, edge a little bit and any "micro-dosing" for dopamine, become very strong too.

I think everybody has these thoughts: "What if the urges don't go away?" "What if I can't control myself until the end and relapse?" I remember some time ago when I had urges pretty much all day which scared me because how strong could you be and endure them? It's crazy. I want to say: "I wish I've never become a fucking porn addict", but it won't make any difference now.

[CB]

Day 23

Yeah I pretty much constantly gets struck with these type of thoughts when I’m alone or got nothing to do. I’m worried about when my girlfriend is going away on vacation for a couple weeks. That’s when I’ll have to stay really strong.

[CB]

Day 25

yesterday I went on to a site and had a look, and stopped myself. But just the thing for me having a look is like failing for me right now. I have to get better at managing my urges and not give in to these things.

[CB]

Day 25

Today has been good so far, my anxiety isn’t as high as in the beginning but it’s going up and down.
It’s not as scary to be without pmo anymore. I used to depend on it, and my thoughts is set on never using it again. For the sake of this crazy internet society.. the sexism and how women are portaited in media. One more day to keep strong and push forward. The triggers are everywhere, need to change my thinking habit.

[CB]

Day 26

Had some dreams about sexting.
Generally had some urges to look at instagram but stopped myself.
Trying to keep on track.

[CB]

Day 27

Today has been harder since I didn’t sleep so well, the cravings and urges to look at pictures of girls has been more tempting today, but have stopped myself on multiple occasions when I recog ize my thoughts wandering off. Get this restless feeling in my body, got to go to the gym to get all this energy out.

[HumbleRich]

Keep going CB, you are almost over the hurdle.  Keep it up!

Rich

[CB]

Thanks Rich! I’m keeping at it, had dreams of pmo last night. Been feeling easily irritated and grumpy today. Day 28 right now, looking forward to meet up with my girlfriend and a couple of friends.

[CB]

Day 29

Have been getting urges more frequently last couple days. Just keeping going. Hope it will pass soon.

[CB]

Day 30

I get pictures in my mind of things I’ve been watching and yesterday went in to have a peek at some pics on google. I stopped myself, I’ve had the feightening thought of not ever using pmo again, that’s the only way to go. It’s not about doing 30-60-90 days, it’s about not coming back again to pmo. It’s great goals but I think I need to get familiar with the thought ”for the rest of my life”.
That’s scary right now, but as these days goes it will probably fade, the fright of letting go.
Relapsing is part of recovery, as long as we don’t give up when we’ve had one relapse. I’ve done so multiple times before. But at last if I can stay strong and just keep away, it will slowly go away.
Got to keep myself busy, and do things instead of peeking on my phone.

[changemylife]

Day 30

I get pictures in my mind of things I’ve been watching and yesterday went in to have a peek at some pics on google. I stopped myself, I’ve had the feightening thought of not ever using pmo again, that’s the only way to go. It’s not about doing 30-60-90 days, it’s about not coming back again to pmo. It’s great goals but I think I need to get familiar with the thought ”for the rest of my life”.
That’s scary right now, but as these days goes it will probably fade, the fright of letting go.
Relapsing is part of recovery, as long as we don’t give up when we’ve had one relapse. I’ve done so multiple times before. But at last if I can stay strong and just keep away, it will slowly go away.
Got to keep myself busy, and do things instead of peeking on my phone.

The idea of quitting PMO for the rest of your life could definitely feel "scary", "sad" etc. Because pleasure is awesome. That's how we are made, to love pleasure. PMO is a big pleasure. As YBOP says, sex is the greatest natural reward we could get when you think about all the things we could do to experience pleasure without external substances. PMO is an artificial thing that we use thinking it's like sex. "Of course, I arouse myself then I masturbate and I come, isn't it like sex?" Of course it's not the same thing. We gotta understand that we don't need this, it's artificial, it's like eating plastic apples with apple taste. We need to look for the real apples. With time, the sadness of giving up such big pleasure should fade. 

[CB]

That’s a good explanation, thanks changemylife!

Day 31 in the books here, this is crazy, never gone this long without pmo. Today as the latest days I’ve been feeling easily irritated and angry. Definitely feels like this is because I can’t calm myself with pmo.

[changemylife]

That’s a good explanation, thanks changemylife!

Day 31 in the books here, this is crazy, never gone this long without pmo. Today as the latest days I’ve been feeling easily irritated and angry. Definitely feels like this is because I can’t calm myself with pmo.

31 days! That's outstanding progress so far! Maybe those are withdrawal symptoms?

[CB]

Day 32

Yeah definitely think these feelings are withdrawal symptoms more or less.
I constantly find myself venturing in my mind with fantasies and flashbacks.
It’s like my brain goes all in trying to get me pmo.

[CB]

Day 34

I have been extremely moody, getting really angry about minor things last couple days. Got a long way to go, but it’s absolutely been a rollercoaster so far, didn’t expect anything else either. I need to really keep myself togheter when my girlfriend will be away on vacation for 3 weeks. That’s going to be a challenge, I just need to prove myself I can do it.

[CB]

Day 35

Didn’t sleep really well but have been a calm and collected day though. Find myself looking at other women when with my girlfriend though. Or looking at women in general more, fantasizing. I feel like it’s some sort of edging behavior.

[CB]

Day 36

I still get temptations of going on the internet and look at different girls. Well as long as I can stop myself, it will get weaker and weaker but it will take some time.