Time to put the pen to paper

[CB]

Today is a day I’d like to say goodbye to you, you gave me a quick fix, comfort, taking away my worry and anxiety for years I’ve been a slave to you (addiction).
That feeling of comfort slowly was turning in to shame and putting myself down.
P and M and O became to sexting and trading pictures, and more shame and anxiety about my relationship with my girlfriend.
Today I say goodbye, there’s a hell of a rocky road before me, but when the rocks turns slowly in to sand I know I’ve made it. Eventhough I know there will be a rock somewhere now and then down the road to recovery.  I know I
have to stay strong.

I relapsed and went on to reddit and PMOed this morning, but I have been free from PMO and had great sex with my girlfriend maybe once a week, maybe one or two weeks and I relapse one time and another two weeks free from PMO.
But I will set a goal for myself and keep writing here.

I have ADHD and OCD and they’re surely one of the reasons I have this addiction. And now it just have to stop, I’m tired of myself blaming myself and feeling shameful.

It’s the times when I’m home alone that’s the most difficult. I’ll start from here and I want to make a week at a time.

Day ONE.
I’ll keep myself busy and do my best to keep away from my phone and checking social media for triggers.

[CB]

The weeks I’ve stayed off of PMO I’ve been getting these vivid dreams of girls and sex and sexting.
I know this is all part of recovery, but it makes it harder for sure.
I started to get panic attacks and agoraphobia for a while was bad, got these lightheaded feeling and dizziness most parts of the days. And I think there is a link to my addiction when recovering I get these feelings and anxiety when I’m not able to fix myself.
Anyone got these withdrawals or any other symptoms?

[thephoenix]

Yes. I had terrible anxiety attacks a few days ago from severe cravings for an O. And also feelings of guilt and shame for having severe cravings and thoughts and flashbacks of porn all day.

Its was a very shitty day. The gym got my head back in the game that evening. Working out regularly is an extremely important part of a male reboot. It helps regulate dopamine and endorphin shots in a very healthy way since the brain is not getting its regular “fix” from PMO anymore.

[CB]

Thanks for the reply, yeah It was really bad for a couple of weeks for me as well. I didn’t get time to go to the gym this week before Xmas but I will be going next week, it surely makes withdrawals more easy to handle. This is such an hard addiction and obsession to beat.
It just takes like one trigger to set me off in fantasizing and escaping reality kind of. I used to rely on fantasizing when I had a hard time to sleep when I was younger and it’s been with me since I was 12-14 years old.

Day TWO. Me and my girlfriend will be driving to her parents house to celebrate xmas, will be a long drive from here. So I guess it will keep me from triggers since Im the one driving.

[CB]

Okay haven’t been on here in a couple of days since me and my girlfriend have been traveling to her parents home. And it’s been great here. Haven’t even had time to think about my addiction, no triggers no dreams. Just calm here, there’s lots of snow and the air is refreshing.
I think it’s going to be a challenge again when I’m home.

Merry xmas everyone and hope you have some time away from negative thoughts.

[changemylife]

Okay haven’t been on here in a couple of days since me and my girlfriend have been traveling to her parents home. And it’s been great here. Haven’t even had time to think about my addiction, no triggers no dreams. Just calm here, there’s lots of snow and the air is refreshing.
I think it’s going to be a challenge again when I’m home.

Merry xmas everyone and hope you have some time away from negative thoughts.

Man, I remember when I was a kid, I must've been 12 or so but I had been masturbating several times a day. My dad asked me if I wanted to go with him to this city because he had something to do there. We went there and had to spend the night at someone's apartment. There were 4 people in their family. I ended up not masturbating even once all day and a day without masturbation had never happened in my life, not even when I was down with the flu. Definitely being in those people's apartment shut me down completely. I couldn't bring myself to jerk off. I couldn't go to the bathroom to do it or anything like that.

[CB]

Back home and just as we arrived home I felt some triggers and urges coming on, what do you guys feel about sex with your partner during rebooting?
I feel as sex feels dull and my brain wants to PMO, I hope this feeling will ween off. I love my partner so much and we have great sex when we have it but I think I’m not relaxed from all the anxiety and or thinking about rebooting.

Day SEVEN without PMO.

[changemylife]

Back home and just as we arrived home I felt some triggers and urges coming on, what do you guys feel about sex with your partner during rebooting?
I feel as sex feels dull and my brain wants to PMO, I hope this feeling will ween off. I love my partner so much and we have great sex when we have it but I think I’m not relaxed from all the anxiety and or thinking about rebooting.

Day SEVEN without PMO.

I support the idea of "Listening to your body". People may not agree with it but it worked for me. This idea is that, if you feel like sex is dull and your brain wants to PMO, then maybe you should stay away from it, for awhile, it won't be forever.

[CB]

Thanks for the replies.

Today and yesterday has been more challenging. Keep getting these urges to visit a site or look at gitls to trigger me on instagram. I’ve not allowed myself to do so. I’m just tired of the feeling to letting down me and my girlfriend.

Day EIGHT.

[joepanic]

Hey CB   I def  subscribe to  making love to your wife during a reboot  as long as it works and you get it up  and she is into it .  Even it its a bit dull for you,  you  need to think that making it not dull  is a huge goal for you(plus you cant  pmo   while making love to your lady)  start working on ways to put wanting to pmo out of your mind  while in the sack with her   think about the wonderful things she is doing and how your making her feel    Does she know your suffering through this.   My wife does not know I had a 30 year addiction(I don't ever plan on telling her)  and it never affected our  love life or family in any way  just me not being able to pursue other interests and of course the brain fog that came with it   I have made huge progress here in the last year  and am winning the battle   Make changing your outlook a big part of your recovery  with mine it was not so much giving up pmo rather it was reclaiming the life I really wanted

       Post often it helped me it will help you

[CB]

Thanks joepanic for the encouragement!

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I need to learn for myself that everything can’t be perfect all the time, neither is my emotions. As with sex, mostly it’s great. But she is okay going without it for 2 weeks and I’ll be struggling to keep away from pmo, but I think this view on sex is healthy for me. To have it once a week or once every two weeks, but I’ll have to handle going without it for even more if so. Life is dynamic. Just as you I’m wanting to reclaim the life I want. Today’s been a struggle, I went in on a site to look at girls and I stopped myself and went for a shower instead and trying to be constructive and active. My girlfriend doesn’t know about this either, I’m actually going to a CBT therapist soon and I’ll man up and tell them about this.

Urges and a feeling of longing for pmo or missing it, do you guys get that too?
And a slight headache comes with it too..

[CB]

Day NINE

I’ve been having urges and lots of dreams last night. I’ve had quite lightheaded feeling dizzy a little, agoraphobia kind of symptoms. My stomach and bowel is going crazy as well. Anyone else having these symptoms during withdrawal?
I’ve been thinking the stress and anxiety during reboot is making my stomach/intestines stressed. Been like this for weeks now since I’ve been withdrawing from pmo, or had a relapse the last months once a week or less.
I used to pmo like 3-5 times a day, sometimes 5-10 times at its worst.
Withdrawal symptoms has been strange since I quit. How about you guys?

[CB]

Day TEN

I made it while home alone yesterday, I went in to some sites and had a look and stopped myself. I’m really happy about that. But the withdrawal symptoms is continuing I woke up with the headache, it sort of feels like when I quit tobacco, it’s a fight. But this feels way more difficult to over come.. It’s been there with me since I was 12-13 years old. It’s been a compulsion to calm myself or aid stress or depression and anxiety. It’s becoming more clear as the time passes, I knew all along one day I have to face myself and stop running..

[changemylife]

Day TEN

I made it while home alone yesterday, I went in to some sites and had a look and stopped myself. I’m really happy about that. But the withdrawal symptoms is continuing I woke up with the headache, it sort of feels like when I quit tobacco, it’s a fight. But this feels way more difficult to over come.. It’s been there with me since I was 12-13 years old. It’s been a compulsion to calm myself or aid stress or depression and anxiety. It’s becoming more clear as the time passes, I knew all along one day I have to face myself and stop running..

This is a reason why some people (myself included) have wanted to quit for years but always ended up relapsing, because of the withdrawal and subsequent fear of it. When you see how hard it is, you say: "Fuck, man, I can't quit cause it's hard."
If anybody is serious about quitting PMO, he needs to understand it is an addiction, not just a sick habit, and a very difficult addiction if we started as teenagers. I don't think there is some magic pill that we could just take and avoid the withdrawal (methadone for our porn addiction) so we have to go through this stupid withdrawal to get clean.
But, we might as well go through withdrawal once and be done with and never look back. If we keep relapsing, we keep encountering the withdrawal again and again because we stop the withdrawal with the relapse, we have calmed ourselves for a couple of days then the same withdrawal starts again. I'll suffer through it once and then fuck it.

Peace.

[CB]

I’m totally with you on this Changemylife, I’ve had another day at home without relapsing. Stress is up but it’s doable for sure. Feel quite empty right now know it will pass. Takes time to heal.
Hope you guys are having a good day, I’m looking firward to the NFL games to start soon.

[CB]

Day ELEVEN

Yesterday me and my girlfriend had great sex, we both felt very relaxed afterwards. Todays been tougher because I had a O yesterday. But I’ll keep strong. Keeping busy until tonight when we’ll celebrate the new yea.

Happy new year to you all!

[CB]

Day TVELVE

I’m happy I made another day alone at home yesterday, going to keep push myself. I know how much I hate that feeling of failure and shame. Trying to keep remind myself about that.

[CB]

Day 13

I’ve been at work, urges to look at girls on instagram and facebook flared up during my time in office. But I’ve largely handled the tempatations well.

I know this is triggers and part of the compulsiions.

[Allinya83]

Hey CB, I've read your story and feel your pain.  For me, I deleted Facebook and Insta because the good looking girls are nearly impossible to miss.  You don't need to delete your accounts, just delete the apps for a while and find a book or keep writing.  Also, it could be very freeing to tell your girlfriend.  It was for me to tell my wife.  I completely understand the caution about telling her and not knowing how she will react.  I'll just say my wife was supportive and understanding. It has made our sex life better and more often because she knows she is the only one that gets my sexual attention.  *Its easy for me to say to you, but I don't know anything about your relationship, so only you can make that decision.
Stay Strong!

[CB]

Thanks Allinya83! Yeah I’ve actually thought about deleting them. As you say, the good looking girls are impossible to miss. I’m happy I’ve done almost 13 days without pmo. I get urges all the time, but as any addiction the impact of them gets less powerful every day we keep ourselves from pmo or other compulsive behavior. It’s really hard right now, and I believe it will be like this for a long time. But I feel good about feeling a little more free from the grasp of it.
I’ll definitely tell my psychiatrist about this, and see if I’d tell my girlfriend about it later on. I can see telling your wife has been a help for you, and probably would fir lots of us.

[changemylife]

Staying away from social media is another key to success. I mean, I get a rush even by reading "the good looking girls from Facebook". This is how those platforms could brainwash you. They get so well tattooed on your brain that you will have to fight to just "forget them" if this is even possible. Maybe better said is: "Until they lose their power over you. When you are able to think about it but feel no urge." Cause going there to stare at pictures I will definitely not do. I mean, I don't even need Facebook, Instagram and all this bullshit. I am not popular there, I don't make money with that, I don't even have friends there, so why would I stay there all day long? Yeah, only to look at pictures and edge. Bingo! Even the smallest trigger needs to be thrown out the window. I can't even watch my favorite TV series, for Christ's sake! Because they contain some nudity and triggers that I really can't embrace anymore. It's a tightrope, man. Every small step and I'm fucked. Until I can "think more clearly" about this whole mess, I need to stay away from everything.

[CB]

Day 15

Taking day by day, minute by minute.

Yes social apps and media can be a trap for us with this addiction. Each and everyone of us is having our ways to cope with rebooting. I know I’ll need professional help to keep me on my way.

[BootLoader]

Check this out, it helped me a lot back in the days.
https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-step-reboot-plan-that-helped-me-quit.24999/

[CB]

Day 16


Wow thanks a lot Bootloader, I read the reboot plan, really good!
I’m keeping at it. A minor flatline right now, no desire for sex and I don’t feel like MO either.

[CB]

Day 17

Yesterday I felt depressed and a feeling of restlessness and anxious. I’ve felt easily irritable but it will pass, feels little better right now.