Author Topic: 2019 Life reset  (Read 368 times)

MikeQ

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2019 Life reset
« on: February 04, 2019, 04:18:39 PM »
Hi guys,

I'm Mike, 33 and after searching without any success for a solution on the internet I have found what hopefully would be  a possible explanation to my recent problem.

Basically in the last 6 years I had many failures in life because I have struggled to learn new things but at this date without success.

I have to highlight the major issues in my life before laying out the main problem.

I grew up almost alone because my family had split up. My father left us when I was 3, my mother left when I was 16. It was difficult not having anyone close who actually cared for my future. I ended up leaving with my relatives and by miracle finished an university all by myself.
 
After graduating I had to leave my country for a brighter life. The new life was however very difficult because everything was new, people are very cold, there is the language barrier and so on.

After 6 months of feeling useless I have found a job but I had to leave again the country as per the job requirements. After 3 years of travelling alone I had finally came home because the depression was too much.

After this period I got interested about treading stocks. Being stubborn I have learned everything I could. Of course on the long term I have lost everything. But mostly I have lost time. 2 years wasted in a war that cannot be won by yourself.

After these 2 years I have discovered crypto currency trading. 2 more years have passed, became an expert in the field but as before nothing matters because everyone tries to stab you in the long term. Lost everything again and 2 more years of life.

Tried to learn programming (c++/java), got to above average level, never made anything worthwhile, lost 1 year on a skill I already forgot.
Tried to learn HTML and CSS to make websites, never made anything because I lack on creativity.

Tried to learn all the skills of a handyman, although now I am skilled in all major power tools I feel that they cannot change my life.

My actual job is a dead end, without any possible future or satisfaction. I go to work with horror and my daily target is to "survive" and nothing more. I can't change it even though I tried. I have many skills but none professional. So depressed here also.

Since childhood I have grown up with porn, internet, I knew many websites, extreme or not, I had a good knowledge of some very strange things.

Recently I had an operation because of phimosis, left a scar more mentally than phisical. And now the problem starts.

I believe that the trading dependency has somehow remapped my brain. I used to be happy when I made 1 or 2% and woke up many times to check my phone.

Recently I find it very difficult to actually feel anything. I no longer see real girls/women as ... beautiful or sexy. I see them as people and nothing more. I can't feel anything, happiness or sadness. I love more now to sleep than doing anything else. I also do not masturbate anymore. I did it some times to check if it still works and it does.

Also, by checking the videos on this website to understand what type of problem I have I can say that:

- I don't feel any sexual desire
- I can't masturbate without porn. And every time more ...strange porn than one year back for example.
- I cannot have normal intercourses. As soon as I try to penetrate it goes turtle neck limp. It goes hard on BJ or anything else but not normal sex.
- I do not feel desire or wanting to have sex but since I cannot masturbate without porn I think it is not performance anxiety.

So I think my brain got so much damaged that I don't know how to exit this problem.

Since 03/02/2019 I have taken the following desperate changes in my life:

1. Deleted all my trading apps on my phone and on my pc
2. Deleted all my other apps that was giving me temporary happyness (9gag for example is very addictive)
3. Got the phone contact of a shrink and will call it in the next days.
4. Absolutely no more porn.

I hope to be healthy again because I am really scared of this new problem that I never thought of finding myself into.
Wish you well guys, will revert back with progress if any occurs.



imaquitter

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    I will make it! More determined than ever!
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Re: 2019 Life reset
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2019, 03:08:54 AM »
Welcome! All of us have started where you are now. Some have been here a long time, others are new. But we are all in it together.
Read about other rebooters experiences.
Post often, many of us feel that is helpful.

Good luck!
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from now?

KittyHawk

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Re: 2019 Life reset
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2019, 08:34:03 AM »
Welcome, MikeQ.

Quitting porn might not magically solve all the problems that you mentioned but you will be so much more better off quitting. I had some long streaks in the past of abstaining from porn/PMO and the results were incredible.

As far as performance problems go, I am usually the same way you are... can get it hard from BJ or before sex but it goes limp before actually putting it in or soon after which is ridiculous. I once had half a year that I minimized PMO and I had the most awesome sex ever...20-30 minutes later second one.  So I am trying to get rid of my addiction for good this year.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

MikeQ

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Re: 2019 Life reset
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2019, 10:58:07 AM »
Welcome, MikeQ.

Quitting porn might not magically solve all the problems that you mentioned but you will be so much more better off quitting. I had some long streaks in the past of abstaining from porn/PMO and the results were incredible.

As far as performance problems go, I am usually the same way you are... can get it hard from BJ or before sex but it goes limp before actually putting it in or soon after which is ridiculous. I once had half a year that I minimized PMO and I had the most awesome sex ever...20-30 minutes later second one.  So I am trying to get rid of my addiction for good this year.

I have never in my life did it twice once after another. Ever.

I know I had and have many issues, keeping inside everything is really putting a price on my health.
How many days usually until the will to have sex comes back? I mean the desire because I sure do not have any left knowing how bad it usually ends up each act.

KittyHawk

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Re: 2019 Life reset
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2019, 01:50:10 PM »
Everybody is different and desensitized himself to a different level. But my personal experience, if I abstain completely, goes ususally something like this:

1) Day 1-4/5 brings stronger and stronger cravings to relapse. That urge is strongest and almost non-stop around day 4 or 5
2) Soon after that, at Day 6,7 or 8, I start to get so called "flatline." I feel asexual and penis is small completely deflated. This lasts couple more days, maybe week or two... I don't have this part explored properly because usually I either relapsed or start rewiring through sexual interactions with my wife. I guess if you don't provoke yourself sexually it can last way longer but from what I read it is very beneficial for healing yourself. Urges still come during this period but not so often.
3) 2-6 months into recovery - somewhere along the way, I am able to start having "normal" sex with quality of erection slowly improving although they are still some setback. 4-6 months it takes to have a high-quality boners through the whole sex. Even after that, your brain is still way more likely to slide back into addiction than somebody else's who never used porn.
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

MikeQ

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Re: 2019 Life reset
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2019, 07:05:45 AM »
5 days have passed, situation update:

- no trading, no 9gag, no porn or any triggering movies/images.
- after the visit to the doctor he gave me a natural booster to help with testosterone. SensiMEV is called. Took it for 1 day so far.

Today morning I had the most continuous and long MW in months. I can't even remember when it was the last one to be exact. I hope it will stay with time and improve. No sexual intercourse so far. Still scared of the output. I am planning to use a pulse checker band because every time I touch my wife my pulse goes to the stars!