Author Topic: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?  (Read 477 times)

chaosbrain44

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Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« on: June 03, 2019, 12:58:46 PM »
Let me apologize on the front end if any of this is too explicit.  Feel free to suggest edits. 

I'm currently in a long distance relationship.  We see each other about every 1-3 months.  This means we will sometimes have phone sex, video sex or do "sexting"... obviously this means masterbation, but no porn is involved. I'm connecting with a real person who I actually know and care about.  However, I'm not sure where the lines are.  I wonder if this hurts my potential recovery.

The other thing I'm unsure about is when we are together.  While we mostly stick to "standard sex stuff" we do like to masterbate together, and typically at the end of sex, I'll jerk off into her mouth.  This is mutually enjoyable, but I worry that this is just keeping my penis conditioned to respond to my hand. 

Do you think these things are setting me back?

Redfire03

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2019, 07:09:45 PM »
Your doing it all wrong man. Stop pleasuring yourself... no sexting... you need to chill out and save it for physical contact.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2019, 08:13:57 PM »
Mmmmm interesting dilemma... ???
On the one hand its doing sex acts with someone you have affection for and feel genuine sexual arousal toward, but on the other hand (heh...hand...), its not actually sexual pleasure through physical contact with each other. Its sort of straddling (heh...) the line between real sex and VR sex.
I guess if you feel good about it and you feel like its not hurting your reboot progress then its probably fine.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Pete McVries

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2019, 09:15:38 AM »
I'd definitely stop the "sex via screen" stuff, no doubt that it's not good for your recovery. About the end of sex thing, it's called porn performing, you guys are imitating what you've seen plenty of times in porn. I guess, you wouldn't be doing it if you had never watched porn. It's not necessarily bad if you both enjoy it but, you know a cumshot is a standard set by porn. Also, you have to time it and you don't let yourself go during the act and just let it all happen the way it is intended to be. Just my two cents.
nine months clean and counting...

achilles heel

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2019, 01:05:06 PM »
Sorry to say, but to my experience sexting is a porn substitute and works the wrong pathways in your brain. I made the same mistake and it was a long term setback until understanding the harm. Either you are prepared to just practise abstinence while not seeing each other or this won't work as recovery.

GingerSnap

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2019, 02:28:27 PM »
Try to limit your hand.  I use to do the same thing with past girls.  The whole jerk into the mouth thing.  During the time you are not together dont do anything sexual.  I know long distance relationships are challenging especially when it comes to sex. Believe me I know. I have personal opinions about them.  Bottom line try to minimize as much self stimulation as possible.

chaosbrain44

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2019, 12:19:08 AM »
Really helpful reply guys. I really appreciate that! It sounds like anything apart from real life is going to activate the wrong neural pathways.
GingerSnap: I'm curious about your personal opinions on long-distance relationships.
This gives me a lot to think about, and while some of it is disappointing to hear, I am really wanting to recover and willing to do whatever it takes. Thanks again!

GingerSnap

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2019, 11:30:16 AM »
A little context about me I spent most of my 20s and some of my 30s relying on online dating sites.  I would say 90 percent of my dates came from looking at pictures which lead to sending direct messages, IMs and texting.  Which eventually lead to meeting in person. 

I'm sure you know how online dating works it's worth mentioning because after a while my brain was wired to only meet women in that way.  There was a time where pictures and text on a screen was more arousing than being with the person I jacked off to the day before.  Dont get me wrong nothing beats real warm flesh.  I found myself having more intense Os thinking about the idea of the woman than actually being with her.

When your in a long distance relationship you are doing more talking on the phone, sexting, sending each other naughty pics.  From what I've learned this will hold you back from a successful reboot.  Your brain is still practicing being aroused by images and words on a screen. 

I'm assuming your not dating and or pursuing other women which is also a detriment to your process.  Part of Rebooting is  enjoying sex organically.  If your purposefully only getting aroused by sexting and naughty pics from your long distance GF.  You are moving backwards. 

Also women always have options as far as partners I'm sure she may say she is faithful.  Never believe even if you think she is Mother Theresa.  As a man you need to always have options.  In this case she can disappear and you wont know what happened. 

I've said enough but my opinion which is more close to fact being in a Long Distance relationship will hinder your process. 

Good luck with everything and anything you decide and I hope was able to help you think about your next move.

chaosbrain44

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2019, 12:50:28 AM »
Thank you GingerSnap for the insight.  I had never thought about it like that, but it actually makes a lot of sense- that our brains can be conditioned to respond to text and images over actual encounters.  I'm worried this may be exactly where I'm at. 

GingerSnap

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Re: Are specific sex acts hurting my recovery?
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2019, 04:33:28 PM »
Glad I can help feel free to update us