Author Topic: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory  (Read 5041 times)

Rex

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Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« on: December 06, 2018, 01:44:42 PM »
It's been a very long time, over 4 years since I have last posted on this board. I have so many things I would like to say but I just can't get the millions of thoughts that are emanating from my mind, onto this board, but I will try my best. Here's my old journal (for a reference):

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=20.0

Let me start with the victory, today I am 75 days free from PMO (Porn/Masturbation/Orgasm), the longest streak since the mid-1990s (which was before I had found Internet porn). My previous longest streak was in January 2017 when I went 28 days free from PMO. I have no desire to go back to PMO, the urges are still there from time-to-time but they have weakened over time and I see them for what they are. My withdrawl symptoms (which I will list below) have been so bad I have no desire to ever revert back to my previous PMO addiction.

The last time I attempted to PMO, I had a massive panic attack and my heart rate went to 192 bpm and I stopped in the middle of the act and feverish prayed for deliverance. For me that was the last straw and an answer to my prayers. It was a massive wake-up call and an answer to my many prayers to be free from the PMO addiction. After quitting PMO the panic attacks intensified, the anxiety was so bad I couldn't work somedays (I work from home) or even lay down on my bed. I had a lot of sleepless nights. I was barely surviving. Some nights I would get hypnic jerks where my legs would kick while asleep or trying to sleep along with bad body jerks, I even woke up one night and I jumped out of bed and had a panic attack and felt like I had a stroke. After suffering for 4 weeks from crippling anxiety, dizziness, brain fog, absolutely no energy, very tight muscles, and terrible panic attacks, I started to feel a little bit better, I have gradually improved but I still suffer. My anxiety has improved but there are still some days that I battle with it. I have been to a few doctors and still haven't exactly figured out what's causing the problem. I believe that the cause of my problem is the three decades of excessive masturbation and porn addiction which have destroyed my brain. My adrenaline glands too easily cause adrenaline rush, just a little stress or just doing a little yard work causes them to start pumping out a lot of adrenaline leading to anxiety and other side effects. I am not taking any medication for the anxiety and won't because this medication in my opinion messes with dopamine levels which PMO messed up. I have read others battle with this, eventually the dopamine normalizes by itself (as part of the reboot process) the longer one stays away from PMO.

I could go on, but the main thing is three decades of PMO addiction have severely messed up my brain and body. The good news is that slowly and gradually I am feeling better. I have not had a full blown panic attack with a racing heart rate for 4 weeks. I still suffer from anxiety but it's not as intense and my energy which was around 10-20% at its worst is now back to about 50-60%. I have a ways to go and have learned to leave my healing to God and Jesus. Some days I prayed so hard when the suffering was so bad I would cry out to God and Jesus to heal me, I felt those prayers being answered and I would feel some relief.

My addiction has also caused untold amount of suffering and stress on my family.  I told them of my addiction a couple of years ago and they have been supportive and have driven me to doctors appointments and been there for me through this terrible period of my life as I recover.

I wish I could go back to the mid-1990s when I looked at my first Internet porn picture, I would have never done it. PMO destroyed my life and gradually dropped me into the abyss. I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks in 2011.  I would lay off from porn for a few days and the anxiety and panic would go away. Then when I returned to PMO after a few days free, then anxiety  would come back, after playing this game for 7 years I hit the brick wall at 100 mph. As bad as it has been with suffering I never imagined, it was what I needed, the wake-up call that PMO was going to eventually destroy me for good not just my body but my immortal soul.

The good news is thanks to God, I am seeing victory in my life everyday.  No matter how bad things have been for me the last 75 days, I have been PMO free.  My body and brain are slowly healing, and with God's healing I will be back to 100%. 

I want to take this time to thank God for deliverance from the the wretched PMO addiction and for my continued healing every day from the effects of this terrible addiction.

May God Bless You,

Rex
Rex
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jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2018, 04:56:48 PM »
Thank you for sharing.  Definitely will keep you in my prayers

NewVerse

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2018, 05:17:29 PM »
Hi Rex.
I remember you from a few years ago because we joined yourbrainrebalanced around the same time. I just came back a few weeks ago as well.
Let's finally beat this thing!
"It's not real"

30yearsgone

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 05:40:56 PM »
Thanks for the story Rex.  I have some good news for you.  There are medications that can help you and would not affect dopamine in any negative way.  I will not give medical advice here because it is not appropriate for me to do so, but I am well educated in this area.  In addition to my schooling, I also have personal experience with panic attacks.  You do not need the meds long term.  Thinks of them as a crutch to give you brain a chance to recover.  The ones I speak of are also non addicting.  You would take them for 6 months to 1 year.  I would recommend that you speak with your primary MD about it to see if they are right for you.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 05:42:54 PM by 30yearsgone »

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 07:01:34 PM »
Thank you for sharing.  Definitely will keep you in my prayers

30yearsgone,

Thank you so much for the prayers!  I'll pray for you too!

Rex
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Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 07:03:30 PM »
Hi Rex.
I remember you from a few years ago because we joined yourbrainrebalanced around the same time. I just came back a few weeks ago as well.
Let's finally beat this thing!

NewVerse,

So good to hear from you, I definitely remember you and your great words of encouragement.  You are so right we can finally definitely beat this thing, I'll keep you in my prayers!  Keep fighting the good fight!

Rex


Rex
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Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2018, 07:19:27 PM »
Thanks for the story Rex.  I have some good news for you.  There are medications that can help you and would not affect dopamine in any negative way.  I will not give medical advice here because it is not appropriate for me to do so, but I am well educated in this area.  In addition to my schooling, I also have personal experience with panic attacks.  You do not need the meds long term.  Thinks of them as a crutch to give you brain a chance to recover.  The ones I speak of are also non addicting.  You would take them for 6 months to 1 year.  I would recommend that you speak with your primary MD about it to see if they are right for you.

30yearsgone,

Thanks for the advice, I'll ask my doctor about them, the doctor should know.

I went to a psychiatrist (who specialized in addictions) for one visit and he prescribed a beta blocker (to prevent the high heart rate during a panic attack) and prozac. Then I went home and researched the side effects so I didn't get the prozac since I read that most people face the same anxiety once they try to get off of prozac. I got the beta blocker but never took it (after talking to the pharmacist) since my heart rate at night averages between 50 to 53 bpm which is low (normal is 60 bpm) and the beta blocker pills drop the resting heart rate especially at night to lower levels which could put my heart in the danger zone. I found that ripe bananas work great as a beta blocker with no side effects, so I have been eating ripe bananas and they seem to be working to prevent the high heart rate when I get anxiety or panic and they also have a calming effect. I also never went back to the psychiatrist for a second visit. I didn't really find it helpful.

I had an old Xanax prescription that a doctor prescribed for me about 6 years ago, I took a couple of them back in 2012 and then put them in the medicine cabinet.  During the first 30 days of my recovery I started using the old Xanax that I had in the medicine cabinet and I would just take a small dose of .125 mg of Xanax (and one time took .25 mg) when I had really bad panic attacks it seemed to help take the edge off but then I noticed I got strange erotic dreams after taking them, and when I read how addictive xanax is, I didn't want to use them as a crutch so I stopped taking them.   

I have been seeking regular spiritual counseling from a devout Catholic priest who has been very helpful in my recovery from addiction, giving me sound spiritual advice which has kept me free from the PMO addiction.     

Rex
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 08:05:00 PM by Rex »
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30yearsgone

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 08:26:08 PM »
Rex,

You have mentioned some things that I can address.  Sent you a PM.

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #8 on: December 06, 2018, 09:02:49 PM »
Rex,

You have mentioned some things that I can address.  Sent you a PM.

30yearsgoneby,

Thanks for the message, I just replied....
Rex
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Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2018, 05:46:12 PM »
What a great journey this has been, it's been the toughest struggle of my life. 

Today I hit Day 78, and though I am really struggling with anxiety and other physical issues I am so happy to be where I am today.  I feel really good about the future.  Yesterday was a difficult day for me, I had terrible anxiety and other physical symptoms that made me feel so bad, I just wanted to go back to bed.  I prayed so hard asking God to remove the anxiety and physical pain and symptoms I was feeling.  By the evening my prayers were answered, I felt much better, my anxiety went away and was replaced by calm and most of my physical pain went away and I felt so much better. 

I also thank God for the deliverance from the PMO addiction, it's not been hard to fight the urges and temptations the last week, they have very little power over me.  The battle for me has been dealing with the suffering from the anxiety/restlessness and physical symptoms due to my addiction and addiction withdrawal which has kept me housebound most of the time.  Today, I woke up and felt better, I still have some physical symptoms and a little anxiety but it's so much better than yesterday.  There are good days and bad days in this recovery process, but the key is that recovery is happening, and God's Grace and help has gotten me through the worst of it. 

Another positive effect of the recovery is that my mind is now sharp, the brain fog is gone.  For the first 50 days of the recovery there were days when my brain just didn't seem to work, I had such heavy brain fog.  I also drove my SUV two days last week for the first time since before my recovery.  It felt good to drive again. 

Thanks to all of you for all your support and prayers... 
           
« Last Edit: December 12, 2018, 05:50:08 PM by Rex »
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hockeyref33

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2018, 10:30:12 AM »
Rex, Thanks for sharing your story. I'm a 44 year old sex addict. I've been sober for 32 days. I feel your pain. God is my power. Have a great sober day.

NewVerse

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2018, 06:02:15 PM »
Rex glad to hear you are on a great run of 78 days
Sorry you are going through anxiety and physical issues. I hope that keeps improving for you.

I know what you mean about the brain fog clearing. Not only do i feel more present, but a couple of weeks ago urges started hitting me mostly from memories. Now when these memories hit, they are so vague that I would have to TRY if i wanted to grasp them. As if the fog is now there, and it's too much of an effort to bother. The longer I stay clean, the better that gets.

Keep up the good work.
"It's not real"

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2018, 11:44:06 AM »
Rex, Thanks for sharing your story. I'm a 44 year old sex addict. I've been sober for 32 days. I feel your pain. God is my power. Have a great sober day.

hockeyref33,

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  Congratulations on being over a month being PMO free.  So well said, this fight to beat PMO has been a failure every time I try to do it on my own.  It is only through God's power I am now 83 days free from PMO. 

I have found out today that I have lyme disease and it's the source of my terrible symptoms.  Though I am still suffering I feel great I am finally turning the corner with God running the show.  Not only will he heal my PMO addiction but also my sickened body.

Keep up the good fight, you can do it.  I'll keep you in my prayers....
Rex
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Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2018, 11:51:44 AM »
Rex glad to hear you are on a great run of 78 days
Sorry you are going through anxiety and physical issues. I hope that keeps improving for you.

I know what you mean about the brain fog clearing. Not only do i feel more present, but a couple of weeks ago urges started hitting me mostly from memories. Now when these memories hit, they are so vague that I would have to TRY if i wanted to grasp them. As if the fog is now there, and it's too much of an effort to bother. The longer I stay clean, the better that gets.

Keep up the good work.

NewVerse,

Thanks for the encouragement and kind words.  I have rolled into day 83, PMO free and the clouds are starting to disperse.  Earlier today I was in the doctor's office and found out I have a bad case of lyme disease which has been causing my terrible symptoms and my cortisol levels are extremely elevated due to the lyme disease this has been the cause of my terrible anxiety and panic attacks. In the past when I fell to PMO it caused my cortisol to also spike, causing terrible anxiety and panic. 

Keep up the good work, you are doing great in your battle!
 
Rex
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NewVerse

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2018, 01:50:11 PM »
Hey Rex,
I'm sorry to hear of your health issues. I do not know much about Lyme disease but it is at least good that it's something treatable. I hope you are getting the care you need and looking after yourself. All the more reason to stay clean. As we all get older things arise we begin to realize just how much we have taken our health for granted. No reason to waste more of it on PMO

Take care sir.
"It's not real"

uncreatedlight

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2018, 05:03:53 PM »
I hope you caught the Lyme in its treatable stages.  You are winning this battle.  As you said, there is something deeper than our ordinary empirical egos that wins this battle.  Only as we let go of that limited ego and get in touch with our true nature do we triumph.

Praying for your strength and peace during this time.

hockeyref33

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2018, 10:21:44 AM »
Rex, Thanks for your kind words as well.  Sorry to hear about your lyme disease, hope you caught it early. You have the right mind set. God will cure everything. I'm on day 37 of being sober and feel great. God is great. Have a great day.

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #17 on: December 24, 2018, 05:14:31 PM »
NewVerse, uncreated light, and hockeyref33,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Sorry I haven't posted sooner, it's been a very tough week for me. I have been taking antibiotics this past week and it has caused some of my symptoms to worsen due to the Herx effect (dying off of lyme bacteria).  Spent a lot of time in bed with no energy and bad flu-like symptoms.  I have also been taking some supplements (recommend by the doctor) in order to help with the lyme bacteria detox which I have noticed this week has supercharged my sex drive.  But I have stayed strong and have remained clean.  Today is 90 days into my reboot.  I never thought I would reach 3 months being free from PMO, but here I am clean. Even when the urges and temptations have been great this past week due to the natural supplements supercharging my sex drive, I have had the self control to easily say "NO". 

The daily prayer life and being vigilant has really helped to keep me on track.

Merry Christmas....
     
« Last Edit: December 24, 2018, 05:17:31 PM by Rex »
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Detente

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #18 on: December 24, 2018, 06:45:10 PM »
Merry Christmas and congratulations on 90 days.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #19 on: December 24, 2018, 08:58:56 PM »
I feel you, Bro.  Will definitely be praying for you as well.

NewVerse

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #20 on: December 25, 2018, 01:54:42 PM »
Rex, I'm glad to hear you remained strong through these difficult times. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a speedy recovery.
Congrats on making it to 90 days
"It's not real"

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2019, 09:09:09 AM »
Dentente, ProdigalSon, and NewVerse,

Thanks for the encouragement, prayers, and kind words.  Sorry for the delay in posting I have been going through some major herx detox symptoms from the lyme treatment in the last 2 weeks, I have spent a lot of time in bed and for the most part been housebound. However the last 2 days I am feeling better. 

Today is day 100 for me which is a incredible milestone I never thought I would ever obtain. I have continued to be vigilant and continued to pray every day.  It's been a rough road but through God's help and Grace I have made it.

Happy New Year to you and everyone on the board.  It's going to be a better year for all of us!

   
Rex
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joepanic

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #22 on: January 03, 2019, 10:01:07 AM »
Congratulations on 100 days!!!!!  excellent milestone   I look forward to following you and encouraging you on the next 100 days   I'm sure when your feeling better from your treatment  you'll have some good insight for some of us   100 days is huge  for this addiction   Take your time taking care of yourself though  don't wear down and fail out of stress  and pressure   The guys  seem to be really encouraging each other recently  so were all getting a small dose of what we need   Strength in numbers is going to help us win


      post often it helped me it will help you (when your better of course)

Rex

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #23 on: January 03, 2019, 10:29:10 AM »
Congratulations on 100 days!!!!!  excellent milestone   I look forward to following you and encouraging you on the next 100 days   I'm sure when your feeling better from your treatment  you'll have some good insight for some of us   100 days is huge  for this addiction   Take your time taking care of yourself though  don't wear down and fail out of stress  and pressure   The guys  seem to be really encouraging each other recently  so were all getting a small dose of what we need   Strength in numbers is going to help us win


      post often it helped me it will help you (when your better of course)

Thanks for the words of encouragement and excellent advice, I really appreciate it.  It's a massive milestone for me, for 3 decades I have been addicted to PMO and a 28 streak free from PMO back in early 2017.  Great point about the stress and pressure, it in the past was the kryptonite that caused me to fall into PMO.  You are so right, we can all win together in this mega war against PMO.
Rex
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NewVerse

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Re: Terrible Suffering And Great Victory
« Reply #24 on: January 03, 2019, 03:53:57 PM »
Triple digits! Congratulations to you Rex, that's awesome.
I Hope your health issues continue to improve. Happy new year to you sir.
"It's not real"