Author Topic: Now or never  (Read 9082 times)

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #350 on: February 11, 2019, 01:40:54 PM »
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?
You're speaking Chinese right now.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #351 on: February 11, 2019, 01:51:53 PM »
It's just a bump. I had one 2 days ago! I didn't binged, just a one time, but still. Get back on track and keep going man! Don't let P get the better of you.

You trip on one day, you'll destroy the next one by cleaness!
It wasn't even fun. It's the brain crying for pleasure.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #352 on: February 11, 2019, 02:06:29 PM »
I cannot give up pleasure.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #353 on: February 11, 2019, 03:27:39 PM »
I edged for 3 days before finally fully relapsing. I binged all day and it wasn't even fun. I could not turn myself, even with a gun to my head. I felt completely asexual, empty, but I was desperate for pleasure. I edged all day long, trying to activate myself and nothing.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #354 on: February 11, 2019, 04:53:36 PM »
Giving up pleasure feels completely sad.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #355 on: February 11, 2019, 05:44:27 PM »
I cannot even resume myself to once. I binge all day.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #356 on: February 11, 2019, 06:08:58 PM »
Despise the 3 days of edging, and frustration at not being able to turn myself on at all, plus the binge today, I am surprisingly calm. I should've been fucked up.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #357 on: February 11, 2019, 06:12:19 PM »
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?
You're speaking Chinese right now.

Nah, I'm pretty sure it's English, bro :)

https://support.opendns.com/hc/en-us/sections/206253627

Set it up, lose the password, see where it takes you. You probably totally go nuts (pun intended).

Despise the 3 days of edging, and frustration at not being able to turn myself on at all, plus the binge today, I am surprisingly calm. I should've been fucked up.

No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 06:13:57 PM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #358 on: February 11, 2019, 06:13:14 PM »
On February 10 I should've said that I had 40 days of alcohol sobriety. I forgot about it because, guess what, I don't think about alcohol all the time. If I could do the same with P, it would be great. Today is my 42nd day without hitting the bottle and cans. Man, if I had 42 days without P... Damn. Maybe I am just too obsessed with quitting P and I keep it all the time in my mind.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 06:14:56 PM by changemylife »

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #359 on: February 11, 2019, 06:17:53 PM »
Nah, I'm pretty sure it's English, bro :)

https://support.opendns.com/hc/en-us/sections/206253627

Set it up, lose the password, see where it takes you. You probably totally go nuts (pun intended).
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.

Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.

It's never the case for me but I don't know why today.



Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #360 on: February 11, 2019, 06:24:26 PM »
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.
Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.


That's why you ban porn from your router. Or do you have an unlimitied mobile plan? I'm pretty sure, you are using wlan on your phone right?
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #361 on: February 11, 2019, 06:57:01 PM »
Come on, man! I don't know shit about this. Anyway, I was using my phone, not computer, to watch P.
Quote
No, it's perfectly fine and it should be that way. Nothing good has ever come up after beating yourself up after a relapse.


That's why you ban porn from your router. Or do you have an unlimitied mobile plan? I'm pretty sure, you are using wlan on your phone right?
We are not from the same countries. I don't know what you are talking about.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #362 on: February 12, 2019, 01:17:29 AM »
Do you have unlimited internet access from your phone, or are you using your phone being connected to wlan on your router to view P? If it's the latter, you should set up openDNS. If it's not, you should get a cellphone contract which prevents you from having unlimited access to P. It doesn't matter if you are from Timbuktu or from North America, the outcome is the same.
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #363 on: February 12, 2019, 05:50:05 AM »
Do you have unlimited internet access from your phone, or are you using your phone being connected to wlan on your router to view P? If it's the latter, you should set up openDNS. If it's not, you should get a cellphone contract which prevents you from having unlimited access to P. It doesn't matter if you are from Timbuktu or from North America, the outcome is the same.
Are you asking me if I use some wireless Internet on my phone? I don't. It's the Internet from the company. I have a number of GB a month but I forgot exactly how many because I don't use my Internet on my phone, only to binge P. I should fucking cancel it.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #364 on: February 12, 2019, 06:23:30 AM »
I am doing this the wrong way. Like this I will get nowhere. I have to recalculate everything.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #365 on: February 12, 2019, 06:44:22 AM »
it's never too late to take the right turn on your journey.

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #366 on: February 12, 2019, 06:55:21 AM »
it's never too late to take the right turn on your journey.
I really need to find out how to do it because all the relapsing until now shows otherwise.

blueRaccoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 109
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #367 on: February 12, 2019, 07:02:19 AM »
I would really like to suggest getting away from P in all the forms. Make it impossible for yourself to access P in any way and since you have talked about your internet addiction, limit your online time to a minimum too. When you'll be staying away from the sources you are bound to have some free time which was previously occupied. Fill this with something you would like to do, something which is productive. Try giving it a shot. We all are in this together, and I really want to see you succeed.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #368 on: February 12, 2019, 07:08:06 AM »
I would really like to suggest getting away from P in all the forms. Make it impossible for yourself to access P in any way and since you have talked about your internet addiction, limit your online time to a minimum too. When you'll be staying away from the sources you are bound to have some free time which was previously occupied. Fill this with something you would like to do, something which is productive. Try giving it a shot. We all are in this together, and I really want to see you succeed.

That's exactly what I was saying. If you solely relapse on your phone, either block P from it or get a brick phone. That's why I was also recommending openDNS. I haven't used it myself, but from what I've heard, it's super f*cking hard to access porn websites while having openDNS on your router. I think you are at a point in your life, where you can't effectively fight back the urges. That's why you relapse all the time. So you should focus on ways to either block all P content on your internet devices or limit internet access at all. I'm no expert in this field, for me willpower and resolve are enough at the moment, but let me be very clear: If I was to relapse one more time, I will put my money where my mouth is and get a brick phone + openDNS on my router. "Now or never", right?

Take care, change!
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #369 on: February 12, 2019, 07:30:15 AM »
That's exactly what I was saying. If you solely relapse on your phone, either block P from it or get a brick phone.
I've been thinking about this but I think I am not 100% ready. A part of me wants to quit porn but the other part of me wants the pleasure. And this is how you live in denial, saying you are the best blocker, you don't need blocking tools.

Quote
I think you are at a point in your life, where you can't effectively fight back the urges. That's why you relapse all the time.
To be honest, it's not the urges I can't fight back, but the desire for pleasure. When urges start, I could go on but the desire, the obsession for pleasure takes over and I believe that those urges will bring an amazing "high". THIS is why I relapse, when urges are present, which leads to the next paragraph:

Sometimes I have no urges and I can't turn myself on no matter what. This time was the case. I edged desperately for 3 days, trying to turn myself on for the "high". I kept jerking off and watching P impulsively with no success in arousal. I finally relapsed with a weak O and despaired.

It's not only when I have urges. It's just this fucking desire for pleasure. I try to do anything, I edge all day trying to turn myself on. I refuse to come when I am not super aroused, because it is a weak "high". So I keep jerking off, I keep watching P, I try to find something even more stimulating, desperately trying to get the best arousal for the best "high". Finally, out of frustration and lack of patience, I finish, the O is weak and I go crazy. The story of my last years.

Sometime after high school, during attempts to quit masturbation (I didn't know P was an addiction, I only thought I was addicted to masturbation), I noticed that waiting for a few days built up urges that I could exploit for an intense "high". And I started doing this. But then I began having periods when I couldn't turn myself on no matter how much P I watched and it was very frustrating, like being completely starved but given only water.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 07:48:58 AM by changemylife »

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #370 on: February 12, 2019, 07:57:47 AM »
Porn is your security blanket. Whenever you feel discomfort or feel empty, you turn to your good ol' pal. I know this too well. But as others and I stated, you need to take responsibility and battle this demon, that's sucking the life out of you. I know, because it's the same for me, if you don't overcome your porn addiction, you will never be able to succeed whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

I was wondering about one thing. You said, you live with your parents. Are they aware, of what you are doing? Like, how can you easily binge for three days straight without them noticing? Or do they notice and you just don't care anymore?
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #371 on: February 12, 2019, 08:06:48 AM »
Porn is your security blanket. Whenever you feel discomfort or feel empty, you turn to your good ol' pal. I know this too well. But as others and I stated, you need to take responsibility and battle this demon, that's sucking the life out of you. I know, because it's the same for me, if you don't overcome your porn addiction, you will never be able to succeed whatever it is you are trying to achieve.

With time, any addiction becomes self-medication but P addiction is my only source of pleasure, before being a self-medication. If it was a self-medication only, I would've done it everyday. I only do it strategically, when I could experience a great "high" for pleasure. It didn't work the last couple of times and I went crazy.

Quote
I was wondering about one thing. You said, you live with your parents. Are they aware, of what you are doing? Like, how can you easily binge for three days straight without them noticing? Or do they notice and you just don't care anymore?
Yeah, it's pathetic to live with my parents but I've allowed myself to be a genuine junkie. I think some addicts end up desiring to spend their time with their addiction rather than going to work, finding a place to stay etc. This could be said about my Internet addiction. Deep down inside I didn't want to work, I just wanted to stay home with my computer. Maybe a mistake done by my parents to allow me this. And I guess addiction take away your drive for doing all this anyway, especially when it comes to P addiction that sucks the life out of you, and also when it comes to Internet addiction that keeps you connected to the computer cause outside you feel the psychological withdrawal. It's complicated. I could talk about this forever.

About bingeing with my parents around: They are not always around. They go to work, I stay home all day. Also, I live upstairs, I have my own bathroom, my own room. I don't think they know about my P.

Pete McVries

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 380
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #372 on: February 12, 2019, 10:29:10 AM »
P addiction is my only source of pleasure, before being a self-medication. 

You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.

Yeah, it's pathetic to live with my parents but I've allowed myself to be a genuine junkie. I think some addicts end up desiring to spend their time with their addiction rather than going to work, finding a place to stay etc. This could be said about my Internet addiction. Deep down inside I didn't want to work, I just wanted to stay home with my computer. Maybe a mistake done by my parents to allow me this. And I guess addiction take away your drive for doing all this anyway, especially when it comes to P addiction that sucks the life out of you, and also when it comes to Internet addiction that keeps you connected to the computer cause outside you feel the psychological withdrawal. It's complicated. I could talk about this forever.

About bingeing with my parents around: They are not always around. They go to work, I stay home all day. Also, I live upstairs, I have my own bathroom, my own room. I don't think they know about my P.

Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.

As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more. What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...

Even though, you have a cold relationship with them at the moment, that doesn't mean that that couldn't change. If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and then decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.

A lot to digest, I know. But we are all here to help you (and also to challenge you). I said it before but weirdly it's the truth, I would be super happy, if you made some improvements and walk the road to get better. Honestly, I can't explain it rationally but I think, I see so much of myself in you that it automatically makes me care a lot. If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.

Take care, change, and don't you ever give up. It's all love!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 10:35:27 AM by Pete McVries »
My Journal

Seven months clean and counting...

Kaingang

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 84
    • View Profile
Re: Now or never
« Reply #373 on: February 12, 2019, 10:53:50 AM »
For many times I have also spent hours in my room with my parents around. the shit is that the feeling of when we're in P. hours sessions is simply "I do not care." It's a fucking feeling that makes us miserable.

What I have to say is that without blockers it would be very difficult for me to stay for a long period without porn.

On the phone there is an app called BlockSite that has helped me a lot.

On the computer I installed blocker in the browser and uninstalled the other browsers. I imagine there are other ways of locks like this one 'DNS' that I've only heard of earlier.

Take a test for 1 day or a week with blockers. If you've tried it once and it did not work. Try again. Beware of the thought "I'm not prepared". We're 28 already and time is flying as we all know.

I do not remember who gave the suggestion of looking at the journals of those who are in the 30/40 range as a way of seeing how porn and bad habits effects us in even longer periods.. But seems to be a good exercise/alert.

Take care!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 10:55:47 AM by Kaingang »

changemylife

  • Guest
Re: Now or never
« Reply #374 on: February 12, 2019, 11:26:07 AM »
Wow, man, you really wrote! I have to break it down because it covers more ideas.

Quote
You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.
I've done this already. I know what I want to do, I know what I would enjoy but, like I've said many times, my Internet addiction makes everything else seem completely empty. This is not trying to find excuses, just presenting the situation as it is. I would do other things but feel nothing. This is how Internet addiction makes you be. For those who are not addicted to Internet or Online Video Games, it's maybe harder to understand why someone doesn't want to do anything else, better said - can't do anything else (I'm not talking about you here, just in general). It's complicated and until I get rid of my Internet addiction, I can't really enjoy something else. It's a vicious circle that keeps me abandoning other activities to come back to the computer. I dare to say my Internet addiction is even harder than my P addiction. I mean, I know it is harder than my P addiction. Until I figure out a way to quit my Internet addiction, I'm afraid I have my hands tied when it comes to "taking time away from computer, doing something that you enjoy etc."

Quote
Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.
Yes, of course, you understand this well. I should be somewhere by now, I am 28 years old. Somehow, I ended up in this mess. I lived in isolation and loneliness for about 6 years in which I only had 2 jobs worth of 5 months total. It wasn't something I chose consciously, it was more like being more into my addictions than real life (as it happens to many addicts), I didn't pay attention and then all of a sudden I realized. There is a post in my journal saying something like: "Waking up to reality has been the most painful but the best thing that has happened to me." It's true. I woke up to reality and I realized I had no life. It took longer than it probably should.

Quote
As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more.
This bewilders me because I don't remember saying this. Maybe a misunderstanding has been created along the way. I don't have a difficult relationship with my parents. We are alright. But they are not the people "I live my life with" if you know what I mean. They are not my friends and they are not my girlfriend. They are introvert people who don't show their emotions and don't talk about their problems. We sometimes do things together but not very much. They are 60 years old and feel old. When they come from work (yeah they still work but it won't be for long, couple more years) they want to rest. It's not like I do with them what I would do with my friends, hence what I said in the quote above: Isolation and loneliness. It feels like this without friends and/or a gf in my life right now. I mean, isolation from society. Loneliness as in "I don't have anybody to do something I really enjoy with" (forget about the Internet addiction for a second while reading this. Take it like - If I wasn't addicted).

Quote
What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...
That's right, this is super scary. You have to understand that my parents are not the type who do this. I was not raised to do this either. It doesn't come naturally in me. But I understand what you mean. As I opened up on this forum and for the first time in my life I'm telling people how I feel, it should be normal to do this with my parents. But... Yeah, it's really hard because it's face to face. You don't see me now but being watched by someone while opening up is fucking scary. I don't know, I can't guarantee I will just walk up to them today and do it.
P.S: You should never bet one of your nuts.

Quote
If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and than decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.
That's right. I've been unemployed all my life (minus 5 months) so I have no money for therapy. And this therapy, in my country, is not something you do with insurance. It's super expensive too. Just one session a week is a lot. My parents are not really rich. In order to build this 2 story house we've been through a lot. Starting with the location - The city is not close and here the land was cheaper but a lot of money for our salaries nevertheless. We build the house with cheaper materials and during 5 years or so, little by little with a lot of loans that my parents are still paining back. I don't want to say that we really have no money for therapy but it will mean a lot of money and I don't want to ask my parents for this. They pain loans and the house is still not finish, my dad wants to buy some materials to finish it etc. I want to wait until I get hired and then use my own money for therapy. As I said that I have no life, I want to get myself a life first. I want to start this job, go back to society, see what I can do. Maybe if nothing works, I would go to therapy but given the fact that I find someone good. I don't think there is therapy for P addiction where I live. I'm not sure about Internet addiction. I've seen some therapy for anxiety/depression stuff like that. I don't know. I haven't investigated completely so I don't want to talk about it like this. I will investigate of course.

Quote
If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.
I know what you mean and this is true. I lost my last friend 6 years ago and since then I couldn't make others as I was always unemployed. I have to correct you: I'm dealing with 2 hard addictions, not just one. And yeah, I'm pretty broken. I've never had many friends and the few I had always abandoned me. I didn't know why but now I think I know. Anyway, my relationship with friendship started being toxic at the end of high school and it caused me a lot of discomfort until 2 years ago when I calmed myself down a little bit. Talking about my relationship with friendship would require another book so I don't think I could do it right now.

Anyway, Pete, thanks for your constant support, man. Honestly, I really really appreciate how you want to help a total stranger who means nothing to you. You've helped me more than all the friends I had in my life who didn't give a fuck about me. And don't make your messages shorter. It doesn't matter if they are long because sometimes you have to write a lot to convey your message.