Author Topic: Now or never  (Read 4275 times)

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #325 on: February 08, 2019, 01:50:23 PM »
This fucking brain has a sneaky, convincing way to make me feel like binge drinking just one day will not send me back to my alcoholic routine. No shit!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #326 on: February 08, 2019, 02:15:58 PM »
You know you've done all the things you are embarrassed about yet you will go back to your drug of choice. This fucking brain is against us sometimes, with its fucking connections, pathways and whatever they are called.

My brain wants me to drink again but all it comes to my mind now is the period when I was at my worst with alcohol bingeing. My dad didn't like how my drinking had escalated but I sneaked to the store, bought a 1 liter beer bottle, went to bridge, hide myself in the weeds, gulped down and ranted angrily out loud. Some kids saw me hanging around the bridge, probably they were thinking: "Isn't this guy a little weird?"

I started drinking there after my dad came to pick me up, one day, from the front of the store where I sat on a bench, next to a group of drunk old men. We were there like a "drinking gallery" in the same way junkies have "shooting galleries", of course not in plain sight like this. My dad told me: "I don't want to see you again drinking there with those old men! What the fuck is wrong with you?" What was wrong with me? I didn't know how to handle my problems without alcohol, PMO and Internet. I drank until I couldn't get up anymore from the bench. I couldn't even keep my head high. I would sit there, with my head down, waiting to sober up a little bit. I heard someone saying: "Hey, are you sick?" and I thought he asked me but I couldn't move my head to check out. Fortunately, this happened on the days when my dad didn't see me.

I got super drunk one day, I downloaded some pictures from Google Images, with slit wrists, blood, knives or blades, uploaded them on Facebook and talked about killing myself. I've repeated this two more times. Anytime I sobered up, I freaked out so bad that I couldn't open the Facebook to delete the pictures cause I was afraid what the people in my friends list had to say about it. And after all this, my brain still makes me feel that it's okay to drink.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #327 on: February 08, 2019, 08:31:56 PM »
On meditation, there are lots of resources online and a few good apps, most of which have good functionality for free. I've really liked using Insight Timer--if you have access to iOS or Android apps--but there are lots of options out there

Rakses

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #328 on: February 09, 2019, 03:51:27 AM »
Alcohol is as bad as PMO - it manipulates your perception of life, make you dull, takes the life away from you. In the morning after drinking all night you go and urine your own brain.
I am clean for 2 years and i have to tell you i am terrified of the idea of being drunk of getting into this state of incapability... of not being aware of my body to do not have full control over my body and brain. I know people who turn soooo ugly when drinking.

Look, you seek for such a addiction because somewhere the way you experience life is not good enough...
Alcohol turns out your ugliness for a moment but then you come back... with hangover, same problems and even more confusion....

Stay strong! I don't miss alcohol at all after all this years - you can do it!
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #329 on: February 09, 2019, 04:10:30 AM »
Alcohol is as bad as PMO - it manipulates your perception of life, make you dull, takes the life away from you. In the morning after drinking all night you go and urine your own brain.
I am clean for 2 years and i have to tell you i am terrified of the idea of being drunk of getting into this state of incapability... of not being aware of my body to do not have full control over my body and brain. I know people who turn soooo ugly when drinking.

Look, you seek for such a addiction because somewhere the way you experience life is not good enough...
Alcohol turns out your ugliness for a moment but then you come back... with hangover, same problems and even more confusion....

Stay strong! I don't miss alcohol at all after all this years - you can do it!
Yeah man, of course.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #330 on: February 09, 2019, 06:30:15 AM »
On meditation, there are lots of resources online and a few good apps, most of which have good functionality for free. I've really liked using Insight Timer--if you have access to iOS or Android apps--but there are lots of options out there
I don't fuck around with phones. I need something for my computer.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #331 on: February 09, 2019, 11:51:03 AM »
I am going to put the pistol to my head... and shoot the porn.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #332 on: February 09, 2019, 11:57:19 AM »
You don't kill yourself over the problem. You kill the problem.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #333 on: February 09, 2019, 03:35:54 PM »
"Many of these same emotional states (anxiety, shame, shock, surprise) not only elevate dopamine, but each can also boost stress hormones & neurotransmitters (norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol). These stress neurochemicals increase excitement while amplifying dopamine’s already powerful effects. Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm."

- YBOP

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #334 on: February 10, 2019, 10:31:57 AM »
Day 5. I've lost the ability to get aroused.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #335 on: February 10, 2019, 10:36:37 AM »
Philip K. Dick said: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".

Waking up to reality has been the most painful but, at the same time, the best thing that has happened to me.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #336 on: February 10, 2019, 12:56:40 PM »
The "pleasure side" of the brain stresses me out like a spoiled kid stresses his mommy for a candy, but the "able part" of it can't keep up with it. I feel completely asexual for all the stimulating material out there. And this is how frustration is created. It's "I want" vs "I can't do it". And in the middle stands "I want to be free".

Times are changing. During my last binge (a week ago?) I wanted to PMO for the 5th time but I couldn't get it up. I turned on the P and I jerked a limp dick for like 10 minutes, struggling to gather the last energy in me in order to finally have a weak O. As I counted the PMO sessions, I said to myself: "I could always PMO 7 times a day but now I'm starting to lose the ability. And if this is so weak, why the fuck do I keep doing it?" Because that fucking "pleasure side" kept bitching: "More pleasure! More pleasure!"  And I was screaming: "I can't get any more fucking pleasure! Leave me alone! Actually, leave me alone for life!"

For years, I've been obsessed with "The greatest pleasure I could get". The conditions had to be perfect, the urges had to be super intense and the arousal accordingly. If I PMOed with weak arousal, the O was weak and the depression and frustration shot through the roof. The "pleasure side" of my brain screams at me to give it pleasure and I can't because the conditions are not perfect. At the same time, I want to quit for life. I'm lost. I should feel happy for wanting to quit yet I feel super frustrated.



changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #337 on: February 10, 2019, 01:15:18 PM »
I've been a pleasure seeker all my life. I started MO when I was 5 years old. There is something wrong with my brain. There is a battle inside me between: "Fuck it, let's PMO, let's drink, let's take drugs, let's get all the pleasure!" and "No, you can't do that! Think about how bad this is! This about what alcohol was for you, think about what PMO has done to you!" Think about this, think about that. I'm going crazy. I'm tired. I'm burned out.

Ashu001

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #338 on: February 10, 2019, 07:49:54 PM »
Calm the fuck man. Relax yourself a little. Don’t try to do so much at the Same time

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #339 on: February 10, 2019, 11:24:35 PM »
Yeah, there are only three things you should focus on.

1. Don't peek. If you don't peek, you won't relapse.
2. Don't do any drugs which lead you to relapses.
3. Be kind to yourself and fill your days with activities away from the computer. Take strolls, be in nature, surround yourself with kind people, maybe spend quality time with your parents (even though you have difficult relationships.

I'm rooting for you, change, seeing you succeed would make me very happy!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #340 on: February 11, 2019, 04:05:43 AM »
Yeah, there are only three things you should focus on.

1. Don't peek. If you don't peek, you won't relapse.
2. Don't do any drugs which lead you to relapses.
3. Be kind to yourself and fill your days with activities away from the computer. Take strolls, be in nature, surround yourself with kind people, maybe spend quality time with your parents (even though you have difficult relationships.

I'm rooting for you, change, seeing you succeed would make me very happy!
Thanks, man. I appreciate your constant support.

Joosh

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #341 on: February 11, 2019, 07:13:46 AM »
There is something wrong with my brain. There is a battle inside me between: "Fuck it, let's PMO, let's drink, let's take drugs, let's get all the pleasure!" and "No, you can't do that! Think about how bad this is! This about what alcohol was for you, think about what PMO has done to you!" Think about this, think about that. I'm going crazy. I'm tired. I'm burned out.

At this point I wouldn't put too much trust in the mind. Consult your heart to why you have this battle going on.
Mentally you need lots of rest. Less is more in this case. Limited mental stimulation, a clean and tranquil environment without unnecessary distraction.
The very mind that is conflicted will lead you to take the drugs that sedate your mind, to not have to experience the conflict. Logically it follows the solution is to be found somewhere else than the '(brain)mind.'

Rakses

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #342 on: February 11, 2019, 09:47:49 AM »
Your brain is frustrated, your brain want pleasure, your brain is sad, weak etc. Not you, remember that.
Neruroplasticity has shaped your brain that way to shift it into healthy habits will cause a lot of turmoil inside your being.

Brain wants pleasure and talk shit - your brain is against you

You like you want to be free, liberated, happy and other things this is true side of yourself. Don't let it dissapear in darkness. :)

Hold on boi
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #343 on: February 11, 2019, 10:02:18 AM »
At this point I wouldn't put too much trust in the mind. Consult your heart to why you have this battle going on.
Mentally you need lots of rest. Less is more in this case. Limited mental stimulation, a clean and tranquil environment without unnecessary distraction.
The very mind that is conflicted will lead you to take the drugs that sedate your mind, to not have to experience the conflict. Logically it follows the solution is to be found somewhere else than the '(brain)mind.'
I wasn't talking about "now", I was talking about when I was 5 years old.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #344 on: February 11, 2019, 10:05:48 AM »
Your brain is frustrated, your brain want pleasure, your brain is sad, weak etc. Not you, remember that.
Neruroplasticity has shaped your brain that way to shift it into healthy habits will cause a lot of turmoil inside your being.

Brain wants pleasure and talk shit - your brain is against you

You like you want to be free, liberated, happy and other things this is true side of yourself. Don't let it dissapear in darkness. :)

Hold on boi
I know all that but it's more complicated than this.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #345 on: February 11, 2019, 10:19:30 AM »
Stop fucking around. You've got something to do.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #346 on: February 11, 2019, 11:23:36 AM »
You will encounter the withdrawal. It sucks. The brain makes you believe that PMO will stop the withdrawal, which is true. But then you will encounter the withdrawal again. You cannot escape it. The truth is, you will have to go through it all the way if you want to quit your addiction. And you know you want to quit. It's inevitable. I wish it was easier but it's not. Cold turkey, there is no other way.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #347 on: February 11, 2019, 01:04:13 PM »
I binged all day...  :(

Rebooter2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #348 on: February 11, 2019, 01:26:37 PM »
It's just a bump. I had one 2 days ago! I didn't binged, just a one time, but still. Get back on track and keep going man! Don't let P get the better of you.

You trip on one day, you'll destroy the next one by cleaness!

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #349 on: February 11, 2019, 01:27:47 PM »
Have you thought of setting up openDNS to block all NSFW content directly from your router?