Author Topic: Now or never  (Read 2199 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #175 on: January 10, 2019, 09:26:57 PM »
Hang in there, man! I've been living on my own for a long time now, so I've dealt with some loneliness. It can really suck the life out of you. Sending good vibes  your way.

Do you think loneliness is at the root of your porn use? I know I've been trying to figure out what really drives my addiction. I can quit masturbating for a hundred days if I want, but I've realized it will always come back if I don't address the issues that are really at the heart of my addiction. I'm not sure I've got it figured out yet, but I think I've started making some progress on that project. I've been treating myself much better as a result, and that's been helping.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #176 on: January 11, 2019, 05:04:21 AM »
Hang in there, man! I've been living on my own for a long time now, so I've dealt with some loneliness. It can really suck the life out of you. Sending good vibes  your way.

Thanks, man.

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Do you think loneliness is at the root of your porn use?
Now it certainly is and I think it has been for some years. It started from curiosity and feeling good but later it became a self-medication, escapism, coping tool. What's crazy is that you might not even see it that way for a long time. It was certainly my case. i recently figured out that. Maybe the loneliness (which brings depression too) has been the reason why I've been constantly relapsing. I cannot jump right away and achieve a 30 days, 90 days, 100 days streak or whatever. I can't go more than a few days. This month, the longest I could go was 5 days. I've binged twice. I don't want to sound like I'm asking for pity or whatever, I think it's more like getting things out of my chest because this forum section is called "Journals" and I've been treating mine like that. A place where I could write what's in my mind, as if it were a real diary. I have a hard time dealing with how my life ended up being. I live in isolation and I'm extremely lonely: This means nobody knows I exist. Only my parents. I have nobody to even talk to. I don't even remember when I had a conversation with someone last time. Sometimes I live in denial, but then it comes back to me and it's crashing. It makes me be so aware of my loneliness. I think I'm a pretty broken guy.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #177 on: January 11, 2019, 07:50:12 PM »
I don't know if it means much coming from internet people--but we're here for you.

As much as social anxiety drives my porn use, I think it works the other way too. When I spend time watching porn and/or edging, I often feel like I'm less worthy of people's respect and attention, so I withdraw from people. That's one thing that's so sick about this addiction--it arises out of loneliness and then makes it worse.

I've told a few people in my life about my struggles with PMO, and I've always been surprised by their reactions. I've always been afraid that they would lose respect for me and love me less, but that's never happened. If anything, it's almost like they've respected me more for trusting them and for wanting to get better.

I guess what I'm trying to say (sorry to write so much in your journal) is that you might feel broken, and I don't want to diminish those feelings because they're real. But, I bet you're a lot farther from broken than you realize. You're working on it. Even if it's slow and agonizing, you can make real progress. Porn is lying when it tells you you're worth less than other people. That's how it keeps you trapped. There are better days ahead. I still have work to do on my own recovery, but I've made a lot of progress from when I was at my worst during high school. Things might be especially rough now, but they don't have to be like that forever

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #178 on: January 12, 2019, 04:15:50 AM »
I don't know if it means much coming from internet people--but we're here for you.

As much as social anxiety drives my porn use, I think it works the other way too. When I spend time watching porn and/or edging, I often feel like I'm less worthy of people's respect and attention, so I withdraw from people. That's one thing that's so sick about this addiction--it arises out of loneliness and then makes it worse.

I've told a few people in my life about my struggles with PMO, and I've always been surprised by their reactions. I've always been afraid that they would lose respect for me and love me less, but that's never happened. If anything, it's almost like they've respected me more for trusting them and for wanting to get better.

I guess what I'm trying to say (sorry to write so much in your journal) is that you might feel broken, and I don't want to diminish those feelings because they're real. But, I bet you're a lot farther from broken than you realize. You're working on it. Even if it's slow and agonizing, you can make real progress. Porn is lying when it tells you you're worth less than other people. That's how it keeps you trapped. There are better days ahead. I still have work to do on my own recovery, but I've made a lot of progress from when I was at my worst during high school. Things might be especially rough now, but they don't have to be like that forever

Thanks, man. You don't write too much in my journal.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #179 on: January 12, 2019, 04:38:07 AM »
So, I wanted to write about my alcohol sobriety on Monday, that will complete 2 weeks without even a sip or sniffing the alcohol (okay, it's not cocaine), but I couldn't have patience for that and I decided to write now because the morning surprised me. I felt so good and energized, despise sleeping for only 4 hours. I had to go to places and I didn't run out of energy, even being sleepy. I was thinking: "Man, what's the secret? My porn/masturbation streak is only 3 days long. I shouldn't be feeling like that earlier than maybe a week or 2 weeks." Then I realized it was the 12 days I've been away from alcohol. I have less anxiety, better mood, better positivity and better energy. That's what's up! I like it. Now comes the success of the day: I went to my favorite store, right? Every time I went there in the past, I bought myself a six pack of my favorite beer (the strongest beer in the store, yeah, typical alcoholic). I've said some time ago that I am a routine freak. I get caught up in routine easily like dogs. And then I feel strange when I have to change it. Today I went to the store and of course the correlation between my visit there and the six pack started right away. However, I don't know how I did it but I stayed away from the alcohol shelf. I didn't touch it. I was probably happy with how I felt. I wish I could do this with porn as well. For me it's a victory. Here is a guy who always bought a six pack in that store and who was always super angry, depressed and crushed if he missed the chance. Today I didn't buy it and I don't feel bad at all.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #180 on: January 12, 2019, 05:52:39 AM »
This room has a wonderful view. If only those iron bars were not in the way.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

Fapstronaut2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #181 on: January 12, 2019, 02:45:32 PM »
Hey changemylife! I'm sorry for being not so present lately. I'm busy to death and all my energy is being severely drained by studying. I see that so much has happened since I last logged in two days ago. To be honest I have below zero energy so I can't read all the new posts (except the last one and I CONGRATULATE YOU). Please keep it up. As for my business (the noun for busy. haha), things will get worse the coming days, so I might not be able to log in for the next few days.
I also see it's still being tough on you on the no PMO side. As I said before, healing from one addiction will certainly help take the others with it. Alcohol seems the easiest and it's great that you're making observable progress with it. Observable progress in the form of "feeling good without it/ feeling good because you're not dependent on it" is very important.
Time to take on internet too.
To brief you on my situation, my sexual energy is full and it's starting to irritate me. I'm on a nofap challenge as you know, so I guess I'm doing fine. I want to change my thread name and tweak my profile for the 2019 challenge but I have no time (yeah, I know we're halfway through the first month and I haven't started the year yet on this forum ::) . I wish I was less busy)
Otherwise, how have you been?

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #182 on: January 12, 2019, 02:54:02 PM »
I also see it's still being tough on you on the no PMO side. As I said before, healing from one addiction will certainly help take the others with it. Alcohol seems the easiest and it's great that you're making observable progress with it. Observable progress in the form of "feeling good without it/ feeling good because you're not dependent on it" is very important.

Alcohol is the easiest from my addictions and it's been easier to handle it. With the other two it's another story.

Quote
Time to take on internet too.
I will when I will be able to.



Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #183 on: January 13, 2019, 06:16:59 AM »
Relapse.



« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 06:20:52 AM by changemylife »
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

K-Dot

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #184 on: January 13, 2019, 06:23:24 AM »

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #185 on: January 13, 2019, 07:18:30 AM »
I'm losing hope.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #186 on: January 13, 2019, 07:51:28 AM »
How are you not dead? You're broken, dragging your feet with no desire to go on. Tired of this life that only leads to your death. Where's your happiness? You hate people telling you: "It takes a lifetimes to be there." That means too many years with too much suffering. You don't want to be an old man filled with regret. How can you be happy even then when you've lived nothing? "Then live your life!" others would love to tell you. You don't know how and you have no strength for this. You are clueless in a world that you don't understand. You can't handle what the society and your parents are expecting you to do. You are tired of that sweet river of honey, interminable like any river, that you can't have enough of. You lie down on its shore, too exhausted to move after the swim. Someone should kill you, because you can't do it yourself. You belong to the dirt when you should've been dead at birth. Your brain doesn't function correctly. There is no place in this world for people like you. They are called weirdos, freaks, losers and kids.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #187 on: January 13, 2019, 07:53:37 AM »
internet and porn is really something that helps us to isolate ourselves and have an extremely poor social life. I also share this feeling many times because I do not have many social skills and although I have a friend group for years, I no longer have much intimacy with them.

the internet allows us to exclude ourselves from the world and not be so bored with it. It's like we are hiding behind the internet for our fear of living. I remember many times when I kept doing anything on my cell phone during college so I did not need to socialize with other people, although this was my biggest wish. meet other people and create some bond.

porn makes us feel very bad. dirty, weak, and take away all our energy. and with all these feelings, the urge to go out to meet people and share is zero. it seems to me a vicious circle: a lot of time on the internet + porn + loneliness.

I was happy to hear of your story in the store where you broke that beer-buying routine and did not feel bad. the truth is that all our habits and addictions have their own routine. and breaking this routine is imperative to beat them. the same way you did it with the alcohol, you can do with porn.

Let's say that every time you feel bad or very lonely you watch porn. If one of those times you can deal with that bad feeling without the porn and doing something else, you'll feel stronger to face this damn addiction.

I know words are easy to be told. but we have to try man. keep sharing with us and do not lose your hopes.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #188 on: January 13, 2019, 12:46:59 PM »
Waking up from the dream has been the worst thing that has happened.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #189 on: January 13, 2019, 01:34:01 PM »
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on it's own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible wall. I walk invisible between you all. I am retarded so you don't want to meet me. You can't describe it in so many words but you feel something is wrong. I can't look 10 stories down. I know that flying out the window might make me free. Don't cover me with dirt, I am claustrophobic. Burn me and put me in a jar, but it's also claustrophobic. Leave me where I am but then you will complain. Lifeless dead is not a pet.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 11:56:09 AM by changemylife »
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #190 on: January 13, 2019, 03:02:56 PM »
The quiz question, asking me if I wanted to complicate my life and suffer, only had 1 answer. It was a question too hard for a kid.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #191 on: January 13, 2019, 03:07:58 PM »
Depressed and lonely. Put me out of my misery.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #192 on: January 13, 2019, 03:19:11 PM »
Nostalgia, for the times when I wasn't lonely, is killing me.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #193 on: January 13, 2019, 07:19:00 PM »
It sounds like things are tough emotionally. I'm sorry to hear it--but don't give up!

One of my priorities at this stage of my recovery is take better care of myself physically and emotionally. If you don't mind my asking, what are you doing to take care of yourself? I know how easy it is to treat yourself like the villain when dealing with addiction--I've really been hard on myself. But the fact of the matter is that you aren't a villain so much as a victim. Sure, you're a victim of your own behavior and neural pathways, but you're a lot more worthy of your own love and respect than you might realize. (I know I've only recently been learning to love and respect myself.)

Are there things you enjoy doing? Hobbies or activities? Is your place clean and relaxing? I know these are things that have made a difference for me. They might help you. Whatever you do, I hope you can practice seeing yourself as the person you're becoming rather than the person you've been. How can we do this if we lose hope of eventually overcoming?

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #194 on: January 14, 2019, 11:08:19 AM »
From above, you watch your twin brother sleeping. In a suit. Who sleeps in a suit? And not in the bed, in half of box. But then you realize you're floating. How did you end up in the air? Things become clear now. The one down there is you. And they cover him with the other half of box.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #195 on: January 14, 2019, 11:28:52 AM »
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray

Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #196 on: January 14, 2019, 11:33:34 AM »
2 weeks without alcohol. Great achievement. I'll give myself a pat on the back with a crowbar.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #197 on: January 14, 2019, 11:43:50 AM »
Let's celebrate the great life with a nice, relaxing cyanide.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #198 on: January 14, 2019, 01:14:56 PM »
Hang in there mate, today is not the day.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #199 on: January 14, 2019, 04:53:07 PM »
Hang in there mate, today is not the day.

For real, don't give up. We don't know each other well, but you welcomed me here and I appreciate that. There's more to you than addiction and more to your future than loneliness.

Believe that you and your future are worth fighting for. You've made a positive difference to me here already. There's a lot of good in you yet, and it will only get stronger as you stay the course