Author Topic: Now or never  (Read 10181 times)

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #375 on: February 12, 2019, 11:56:28 AM »
This talk of you and Pete made my day and brings a lot of hope. Tks for that  :)

If you do not mind sharing ... what country do you live in?

I must add also that you seems to have great talent for writing. And I know a lot of people who used writing as therapy and did very well. Maybe it's something you can invest this year in some way or just think about.

How are the job searches? I'm also in that same boat and I hope to get jobs or freelancers jobs as fast as possible...

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #376 on: February 12, 2019, 12:03:16 PM »
This talk of you and Pete made my day and brings a lot of hope. Tks for that  :)

If you do not mind sharing ... what country do you live in?

I must add also that you seems to have great talent for writing. And I know a lot of people who used writing as therapy and did very well. Maybe it's something you can invest this year in some way or just think about.

How are the job searches? I'm also in that same boat and I hope to get jobs or freelancers jobs as fast as possible...
This is what I'm doing with the writing, actually. It's like a therapy. Getting things out of my chest. When people write in my journal, I like to reply. It's something that I look forward too and I like it when the texts are long cause I have to write more too for the answers. I have a job already. I've been told I could get hired next month.

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #377 on: February 12, 2019, 01:54:03 PM »
That's great! Congratulations!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #378 on: February 12, 2019, 02:26:52 PM »
That's great! Congratulations!
Thanks bro

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #379 on: February 12, 2019, 03:05:53 PM »
Wow, man, you really wrote! I have to break it down because it covers more ideas.

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You need to do some serious soul searching and find something away from the computer, that gives you sense of fulfilment and pleasure. Don't rush it, think about it for a few days or a week, come up with a few ideas, and I'll be glad to support you in putting it in place.
I've done this already. I know what I want to do, I know what I would enjoy but, like I've said many times, my Internet addiction makes everything else seem completely empty. This is not trying to find excuses, just presenting the situation as it is. I would do other things but feel nothing. This is how Internet addiction makes you be. For those who are not addicted to Internet or Online Video Games, it's maybe harder to understand why someone doesn't want to do anything else, better said - can't do anything else (I'm not talking about you here, just in general). It's complicated and until I get rid of my Internet addiction, I can't really enjoy something else. It's a vicious circle that keeps me abandoning other activities to come back to the computer. I dare to say my Internet addiction is even harder than my P addiction. I mean, I know it is harder than my P addiction. Until I figure out a way to quit my Internet addiction, I'm afraid I have my hands tied when it comes to "taking time away from computer, doing something that you enjoy etc."

I'm curious, what are the things you wanna do and would enjoy? Just a hint, rome wasn't build in one day. You usually start things doing small steps and build from there. Momentum baby (Please watch the video, it can be applied to everything)! Consistency over intensity!

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Ok, I will challenge you now. First of all, it is not pathetic to live with your parents at your age. Sure, it's not the norm and by now, you should be able to live on your own or with your friends or a gf, but the circumstances of your internet and P addiction made you end up where you are. No judging just a fact and therefore nothing to be ashamed about.
Yes, of course, you understand this well. I should be somewhere by now, I am 28 years old. Somehow, I ended up in this mess. I lived in isolation and loneliness for about 6 years in which I only had 2 jobs worth of 5 months total. It wasn't something I chose consciously, it was more like being more into my addictions than real life (as it happens to many addicts), I didn't pay attention and then all of a sudden I realized. There is a post in my journal saying something like: "Waking up to reality has been the most painful but the best thing that has happened to me." It's true. I woke up to reality and I realized I had no life. It took longer than it probably should.

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As far as I interpret it, you have a difficult relationship with your parents. If you are willing to share some more information, I would be glad to know about it more.
This bewilders me because I don't remember saying this. Maybe a misunderstanding has been created along the way. I don't have a difficult relationship with my parents. We are alright. But they are not the people "I live my life with" if you know what I mean. They are not my friends and they are not my girlfriend. They are introvert people who don't show their emotions and don't talk about their problems. We sometimes do things together but not very much. They are 60 years old and feel old. When they come from work (yeah they still work but it won't be for long, couple more years) they want to rest. It's not like I do with them what I would do with my friends, hence what I said in the quote above: Isolation and loneliness. It feels like this without friends and/or a gf in my life right now. I mean, isolation from society. Loneliness as in "I don't have anybody to do something I really enjoy with" (forget about the Internet addiction for a second while reading this. Take it like - If I wasn't addicted).

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What I wanted to initially say is have you thought about confiding your parents to your problems? I know, I know, it is a super scary thought and there will be no turning back. But, even though, I don't know your parents, I would bet my left nut that they love you, that they care for you, that they somehow feel that there is something "wrong" with you, that they are unhappy about your current situation and that they would do ANYTHING to help you to get better. I would even go so far as to say that they would die for you. Let that sink in for a moment. Fathom what that means...
That's right, this is super scary. You have to understand that my parents are not the type who do this. I was not raised to do this either. It doesn't come naturally in me. But I understand what you mean. As I opened up on this forum and for the first time in my life I'm telling people how I feel, it should be normal to do this with my parents. But... Yeah, it's really hard because it's face to face. You don't see me now but being watched by someone while opening up is fucking scary. I don't know, I can't guarantee I will just walk up to them today and do it.
P.S: You should never bet one of your nuts.


Still putting my hairy testicle on the line ;). You know, my parents aren't these people either. But after seeing my therapist and being encouraged by her, I just decided, I will tell my parents about it, I will tell my sister and her husband about it, I will tell three of my close friends about it (my best friend already knows) and most importantly, I will tell my little brother (25 yo) about it. Because I suspect he is a PMO addict himself. He is good looking, intelligent, tall but somehow never had a gf. Sounds familiar?! With the knowledge I gathered over the years, it would be very irresponsible not to share it with him. I want to prevent the shit that happened to me over the years to him.

Back to the parents and about being open. You can only gain from being open to them. What is the worst case scenario that can happen? Would they disinherit you? Very unlikely, you are their only child. Would they kick you outta the house? Don't think so. Would they hate you for it? Very, very unlikely, they had to be cruel people to do that and they don't sound like it. Will it be embarrassing for you? Yes, but what's the harm? Will it be confusing for them? Yes, but you will be prepared and explain shit to them. How will they react or feel in the end? If they have a picogram of empathy in them, they will feel for you, they will want to help you as much as they can and they will most likely respect you for being honest, because it takes a fuck ton of balls to do what I'm suggesting you to do.

Let's be realistic, you are in desperate need of every help you can get. It's ok, it's human, anybody can end up in your situation. You need to make some real life allies. And who are possible allies if not your parents? The people who literally made you, the people who spent a large amount of time, energy and money to raise you as best as they can. Are you really suggesting, that something bad would happen, if you told them? It would be very, very foolish of them. You don't spend your life building something only to crush it down if it ends up having a few FIXABLE flaws.

I can't guarantee you shit. I might be very wrong. They may react in a cruel way, I don't know, you are the expert here. In the end you have to decide. I can only challenge you to think outside the box. But even if they react negatively in whatever way, it won't kill you and you will be a lot smarter in the end. It will make you grow. And you know what's the best of it? You are carrying a lot of, and by a lot I mean planet-sized, weight, shame, and surpressed feelings on your shoulders. By being honest, you will feel relieved. You will step out of the shadows and that alone feels very very liberating. When I confided to my best friend 10 years ago, I didn't know of PIED. I just knew that my dick didn't work and it threw me into an existential crisis. I even thought about being gay for quite some time, but of course that wasn't the case. My friend took it very well, he is super supportive to this date and I'm glad, I trusted my instincts regarding him. You know, I was suicidal for a long time because I felt so hopeless and lost, not knowing what was wrong with me. Like, a 21yo with ED, that shit was unheard of. And I felt like the fucking Omega Man, the loneliest man on the planet. Urologists were clueless too, ensuring me that everything looked fine and that it had to be performance anxiety. But when I had made my first sexual steps, I was just super happy to finally have sex, something I had been looking forward to my whole life. The result was anticlimactic in the most literal sense of words.

If you don't want to confide to your parents, I can totally understand you. It's up to you. Maybe you practice it somewhere safe. Drive to another city, go to a church and confess to a priest. No, I am not joking... What do they say? Desperate times call for desperate measures. The most important thing is to keep moving, don't get comfortable in your sorrows...

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If I recall correctly, you said, that you can't afford therapy or that your insurance doesn't cover it. But if I read the situation correctly, you live in a 2 story house/flat which means, your parents aren't poor. So, again, they would want you to get better which means, they would most likely pay for therapy for you if they knew about your situation. Recently, I've started therapy because of my PMO addiction (and a few other things) and I'm very privileged to say that my insurance pays for it all. My therapist is nothing short of a godsend. She helped me so so so so so so much in the struggle to overcoming my addiction. She is a constant source of strength and challenges me weekly to not give up, try new things and simply to hang in there. On top of that, and that is really a factor that shouldn't be discarded, it such a different thing to talk to someone in person. Verbalizing your thoughts, make it become real. It is totally different than writing about it. Trust me, it would help you so much if you had someone by your side who understands your situation and is willing to help you. IF you go that route, don't settle for the first therapist. Get to know the person, get a feel for her/him and than decide if you want to continue therapy with that person. I'm saying it because I went to four therapists who were all idiots more or less (truth be told) before I found my actual therapist who fits my individual needs.
That's right. I've been unemployed all my life (minus 5 months) so I have no money for therapy. And this therapy, in my country, is not something you do with insurance. It's super expensive too. Just one session a week is a lot. My parents are not really rich. In order to build this 2 story house we've been through a lot. Starting with the location - The city is not close and here the land was cheaper but a lot of money for our salaries nevertheless. We build the house with cheaper materials and during 5 years or so, little by little with a lot of loans that my parents are still paining back. I don't want to say that we really have no money for therapy but it will mean a lot of money and I don't want to ask my parents for this. They pain loans and the house is still not finish, my dad wants to buy some materials to finish it etc. I want to wait until I get hired and then use my own money for therapy. As I said that I have no life, I want to get myself a life first. I want to start this job, go back to society, see what I can do. Maybe if nothing works, I would go to therapy but given the fact that I find someone good. I don't think there is therapy for P addiction where I live. I'm not sure about Internet addiction. I've seen some therapy for anxiety/depression stuff like that. I don't know. I haven't investigated completely so I don't want to talk about it like this. I will investigate of course.

My therapist isn't a specialist in the field of PMO either. She is a behavioural therapist who turned out to be very open-minded, ready to learn and adapt to my situation. Honestly, I would be in a much darker place had I not met her. As I said, it took me months and four different therapists to find the right one. Don't get frustrated when you look for the right one.

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If I remember correctly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, you said you don't have friends. Let me tell you this, a person would be a fool not wanting to be your friend. Even thoug, I only see glimpses of your character through written words, I see so much potential in you and you seem like such a likeable dude, it's just that you are a broken soul who unlearned to love and be kind to himself and who has to deal with a nasty addiction that almost nobody in this world seem to understand.
I know what you mean and this is true. I lost my last friend 6 years ago and since then I couldn't make others as I was always unemployed. I have to correct you: I'm dealing with 2 hard addictions, not just one. And yeah, I'm pretty broken. I've never had many friends and the few I had always abandoned me. I didn't know why but now I think I know. Anyway, my relationship with friendship started being toxic at the end of high school and it caused me a lot of discomfort until 2 years ago when I calmed myself down a little bit. Talking about my relationship with friendship would require another book so I don't think I could do it right now.

Anyway, Pete, thanks for your constant support, man. Honestly, I really really appreciate how you want to help a total stranger who means nothing to you. You've helped me more than all the friends I had in my life who didn't give a fuck about me. And don't make your messages shorter. It doesn't matter if they are long because sometimes you have to write a lot to convey your message.

I'm glad, I'm of some help and I'm honored by your kind words. I don't have a journal of my own, so writing in other journals is very helpful for me too. It's therapeutic. And helping others helps me too. I'm excited to hear your thoughts about my suggestions.

Take care!
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 03:14:53 PM by Pete McVries »
Eight months clean and counting...

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #380 on: February 12, 2019, 03:39:52 PM »
Pete, thanks for the reply. I appreciate.

No, I don't think they would react super negatively because I've told them about my social anxiety, depression and reason for alcoholism and there was no crazy reaction.

You and me seem to share some similarities in the way we lived our 20's. You are further ahead than me. I've never even had a chance for sex and not because of ED.

Like I've said already, I can't really do much without a life (financially too) so I really need to be hired, hopefully next month as the rumors are because dad works there too and he told me about it. There is a list and it's close to my number. I feel like only after this I could do more things.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #381 on: February 12, 2019, 03:43:10 PM »
Loneliness is lack of connection with people around you.

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #382 on: February 12, 2019, 03:43:38 PM »
I don't want to force anything to you, but why is being unemployed holding you back on telling your parents (or a priest for that matter)?

Fingers crossed that you get employed!
Eight months clean and counting...

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #383 on: February 12, 2019, 03:46:15 PM »
I don't want to force anything to you, but why is being unemployed holding you back on telling your parents (or a priest for that matter)?

Fingers crossed that you get employed!
No, it doesn't hold me back. Unemployment makes it pretty impossible for me to do things, like going back to society, trying to find some friends or even going to therapy.


Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #384 on: February 12, 2019, 03:55:53 PM »
Worry about the friends and therapy later.

So, if it doesn't hold you back, what are you gonna do about it? At least give me a "I'm contemplating it but I need more time to think about it and get comfortable with the idea" or something. You gotta start somewhere! You are basically telling me, that you won't do anything until you get employed. Like really? Half a month more of fried dopamine receptors? Half a month more damage to your gray matter? Come on man, it's time for putting things in motion. Do something. Anything.

I'm still curious about the things you wanna do and would enjoy.
Eight months clean and counting...

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #385 on: February 12, 2019, 04:02:43 PM »
Worry about the friends and therapy later.

So, if it doesn't hold you back, what are you gonna do about it? At least give me a "I'm contemplating it but I need more time to think about it and get comfortable with the idea" or something. You gotta start somewhere! You are basically telling me, that you won't do anything until you get employed. Like really? Half a month more of fried dopamine receptors? Half a month more damage to your gray matter? Come on man, it's time for putting things in motion. Do something. Anything.

I'm still curious about the things you wanna do and would enjoy.
I don't know if I will tell them. Right now I have no idea. I need time to think. And I can't really do too much about my recovery when I am unemployed. You said about therapy, I can't really do it without my money. Also, maybe having a life could make things at least 10 percent easier which is a start. With the non-existent life I have right now, it's impossible. There is nothing to wonder about my constant relapsing every few days. Binges even. It's clear why. I am trapped in this shit right now.


Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #386 on: February 12, 2019, 04:06:12 PM »
Alright, I leave you in peace (for now).

I hope you watched the video about momentum. It helped me a great deal to set things in motion. Start slow. Leave the house for 10 minutes every day, then 20 minutes, then an hour. Take strolls, be in nature. It's proven to help mental stability and reduces stress.

Over and out!
Eight months clean and counting...

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #387 on: February 12, 2019, 04:29:38 PM »
Alright, I leave you in peace (for now).

I hope you watched the video about momentum. It helped me a great deal to set things in motion. Start slow. Leave the house for 10 minutes every day, then 20 minutes, then an hour. Take strolls, be in nature. It's proven to help mental stability and reduces stress.

Over and out!
Yeah, man, I've watched the video. Amazing video. I like the ideas presented. Go slow, don't push yourself too hard. I like the idea of creating habits. A life without addiction should be habit.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #388 on: February 12, 2019, 05:20:00 PM »
The first person that you need to be friends with is yourself.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #389 on: February 12, 2019, 06:45:42 PM »
It's hard. It's annoying to be back to day 1 after only 3,4,5 days. Sometimes I have the urge to just fuck it and go back to bingeing everyday like I used to until the end of high school. Sobriety seems harder than just drowning yourself into the addiction that numbs you. Sometimes sustaining the fight feels so hard and all I'm thinking about is getting numb.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 06:51:19 PM by changemylife »

Rebooter2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #390 on: February 12, 2019, 08:46:51 PM »
Yeah it is, but you can do it. Try just not to be too hard with yourself. We all start somewhere I was at that point around 2 years ago, 'cause I already knew that I needed to lower my P use. Even before I knew about the Reboot stuff. It took my 2 years to get to a point where I manage to get to 2 week regularly! It was mostly due to misconception on my part.

All that to say, keep going man! You can do it, and Pete as a point it will help you tremendously to get out slowly and with time increase that duration by small amount!

K-Dot

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #391 on: February 13, 2019, 05:36:31 AM »
It's hard. It's annoying to be back to day 1 after only 3,4,5 days. Sometimes I have the urge to just fuck it and go back to bingeing everyday like I used to until the end of high school. Sobriety seems harder than just drowning yourself into the addiction that numbs you. Sometimes sustaining the fight feels so hard and all I'm thinking about is getting numb.
I found out that usually if i go over 5 days of no pmo, it's likely that I want relapse in a while. But i would often go for 2 days and then binge for 5 days and so on. Binging and relapsing after 2-3 days streaks is what destroyed me.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #392 on: February 13, 2019, 06:07:09 AM »
I found out that usually if i go over 5 days of no pmo, it's likely that I want relapse in a while. But i would often go for 2 days and then binge for 5 days and so on. Binging and relapsing after 2-3 days streaks is what destroyed me.
It's just annoying to be in this circle of relapsing after only a few days. It's annoying when you don't even reach 1 month.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #393 on: February 13, 2019, 06:28:38 AM »
I can't shoo the loneliness
That everywhere the me it follows
It makes my smile go away
And it brings me only sorrows


blueRaccoon

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #394 on: February 13, 2019, 07:01:34 AM »
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #395 on: February 13, 2019, 07:04:10 AM »
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.
Of course, man. I know this.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #396 on: February 13, 2019, 07:08:06 AM »
Addiction is suffering and withdrawal is suffering too. The difference is that one lasts for life (if nothing is done), the other stops one day. It's clear which one I want to choose but it's not always that easy. In the middle stands the fucking obsession for pleasure that makes everything not seem so black and white. Talking myself out of it has never worked. Willpower alone is not the way to go. I have to counter this addiction by doing what it has made me avoid.

blueRaccoon

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #397 on: February 13, 2019, 07:35:16 AM »
The funny thing is that "the obsession" is not who we really are, and I mean literally. It's just the brain, if it doesn't get what it wants for a few days it will give up on its own and look for something else. In these days there will be no obsessions as if that part of your personality has vanished and it actually was not you having the obsessions. It's just a tiny piece of protein stuck in your brain which creates the obsession. Check out YBON, it has helped a lot. And do what you need to do get out of this mess.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #398 on: February 13, 2019, 07:48:26 AM »
The funny thing is that "the obsession" is not who we really are, and I mean literally. It's just the brain, if it doesn't get what it wants for a few days it will give up on its own and look for something else. In these days there will be no obsessions as if that part of your personality has vanished and it actually was not you having the obsessions. It's just a tiny piece of protein stuck in your brain which creates the obsession. Check out YBON, it has helped a lot. And do what you need to do get out of this mess.
It can become confusing when it's not clear what is the problem - you or P. But this desire for pleasure seems so real, as if it's a part of me, you know.

Pete McVries

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #399 on: February 13, 2019, 07:53:06 AM »
You and Pete have talked about so much. Hope that has helped you. There is so much to know and understand about this shitty P addiction. It makes you do things you don't want to. And often it makes you get confused about the identity - whether it's really you or the porn. If anyone read some journals, he will find out for sure that there are so many common behaviors and thoughts that we actually associate to be our indigenous thought but they turn out nothing but induced by porn. We have to identify what is porn making us do and what really is our own decisions. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and be responsible for the people we care about. We can not dwell forever in "I'm so sick of this" and do nothing about it. It's a trap. You do PMO, you feel bad, you try to quit out of guilt, then once the guilt is gone, you're back to PMO. We have to realize that it's either quitting for good or staying the way you are forever. Time never waits for anyone, it will keep on moving while we think "just one more time", we have to get out of the cycle by ourselves otherwise it's just a cycle and it will keep on running forever. No one can help us until we help ourselves.

Great post, thanks for contributing!
Eight months clean and counting...