Author Topic: Now or never  (Read 9057 times)

changemylife

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Now or never
« on: December 03, 2018, 10:25:28 AM »
I've been masturbating since I was 5 or 6 years old. I don't even know how I've started but, somehow, I've learned how to lie face down, rub my dick against the bed and stimulate myself, mentally, to orgasm. I didn't know it was called "masturbation". For a period of time, I did it without porn. I must've been 13 or so when I understood how to do it with my hand, I found out what it was called and that my practice and this were the same thing.

My first encounter with porn came in the form of nudity from movies then pictures but I've begun watching Softcore movies at the end of every week, after midnight, when I was 14.

I got Internet at 16 and I watched Hardcore porn daily. For about 12 years, I masturbated everyday, as many times as I could, and never without porn since I've installed Internet. After that, I've reduced PMO sessions to sometimes once, sometimes twice or three times a week, never progressing past that. I've had a few streaks away from porn and masturbation but that's it. I've never completed even 1 month.

As far as I could remember, I've always had social anxiety. But as far as I could remember, I always masturbated. Maybe the excessive masturbation has created my social anxiety, or, at least, it has made it worse. One thing I can tell for sure: My social anxiety was worse than ever after I'd started watching porn daily. Sometimes I watched without masturbating, just watching movies like that. It has to be some correlation.

I've never could make friends easily and I could never maintain them too much either. I can count on my fingers how many friends I've had in my life, never more than 2 at the same time. The majority of time just 1. Since I was 22, I've lost my 2 friends and I've become completely lonely. I suffered from crippling social anxiety, crippling depression, panic and panic attacks. Because of them, I've isolated myself, unable to leave my home. Also, because of this lifestyle, I abused alcohol and I've become addicted to Internet.

In six years, since I've graduated from college, I've only worked for a total of 5 months. I've never had a girlfriend, I'm a virgin, I've never been on a date and I can't talk to girls. Masturbation and porn have turned me into a passive, scared, docile, submissive little boy. Girls don't want guys like that.

I am 28 years old and I am a porn addict, an Internet addict and, to some extent, alcohol addict. My lifestyle in the present is as laughable as it's been in the last 6 years. It's pathetic.




« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 04:10:06 PM by changemylife »

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 04:10:51 AM »
Day 3

I have a stupid habit in the morning when I start edging to the images in my head. This morning was no different. Images flooded my mind and I couldn't stop them. I had a moment of "Do it!" vs "Don't do it!" But I left my bedroom and it worked. I will try it again.
Urges are pretty strong. I don't know, I used to handle better the first 3 days.

Later: I've relapsed. This addiction is like heroin, for Christ's sake! I can't believe that something that doesn't involve external substances could be this hard. And I haven't even progressed. I relapsed again on day 3. Now I have to start again FUCK!
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 09:22:34 AM by changemylife »

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 06:31:44 AM »
Day 1

A little bit of fantasizing in the morning but no urges all day.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 10:02:46 AM by changemylife »

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 12:46:02 PM »
I have a very similar history. I started pornography around the age of 14 and recently completed 28 years. Just like you I'm tired of all this mess in life caused by pmo. I hope we can do this reboot successfully. (I'm from Brazil, so sorry for my English). Have a nice day.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 06:37:23 AM »
Day 2

As usual, images invaded my mind in the morning and I couldn't get rid of them. I had to stop trying to sleep more and go to the kitchen in order to avoid edging. Hours later, urges started to build up but they were manageable and then disappeared.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 10:04:08 AM by changemylife »

zander13

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 08:34:04 PM »
Good luck my man. People love to use the word "urges", but I think it's better to picture it as your brain wanting a rush of chemicals that its used to getting. Helped me see it that way, rather than feeling as if you're fighting porn itself, you're really fighting a scientific, biological, evolutionary process.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2018, 04:22:50 AM »
Good luck my man. People love to use the word "urges", but I think it's better to picture it as your brain wanting a rush of chemicals that its used to getting. Helped me see it that way, rather than feeling as if you're fighting porn itself, you're really fighting a scientific, biological, evolutionary process.

Thank you, man. You are right about that. We don't fight porn itself, we fight the brain and porn happens to be what releases our dopamine. It could be gambling, drugs or anything else.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 04:45:52 AM by changemylife »

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2018, 07:43:17 AM »
Day 3

3rd day has been the day when I've been relapsing recently and, of course, my brain knows this, so it starts bringing the urges to remind me it needs that dopamine "high". But I fought my way out of it. Urges were not hard, though. If I don't give dopamine to my brain for days, it reacts aggressively, shouting at me: "When are you going to give me that dopamine release?" And it bombards me with strong urges that take away my thinking and I act on impulse. Conclusion taken from this: "Stop and think. Don't act on the impulse. Create a habit when you stop for a minute and think about why you don't need PMO in your life. This will also help you to distract yourself."

« Last Edit: December 07, 2018, 10:15:28 AM by changemylife »

Fapstronaut2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2018, 09:14:43 AM »
Hey!
As you said, its appalling how a non chemical addiction can bring one to his knees. It's sad there's not enough education about porn addiction. It's infuriating how culture makes you think porn is fun/funny/harmless or even a healthy expression of sexuality!

I'll be watching your thread and I'll befriend you if you don't mind :-) maybe this might help you elongate your abstinence period, I mean since someone has his eyes on you(?)
Besides, I have some advice if you don't mind:
1- You can take a week off and go on a trip somewhere, on the condition that you won't bring internet with you. Idk how. But if this is possible definitely give it a shot! A week of abstinence will break this cycle and allow for longer periods.
2- **TRIGGER ALERT**You can try detaching masturbation from porn as I'm trying to do (take a look at my post named "Omarov keeps up the win"). If the urge is unbearable and you're about to view porn, try killing the urge for sometime by fapping without porn.
3- Try gradually elongating your nofap or no PMO period. Set realistic goals that you can achieve and go easy on yourself even it will take longer to get completely cured from the addiction.

Take a look at my story and encourage me in return. That might keep you motivated too. I know my crisis is milder than yours. But we can help each other nevertheless! Kindly accept my best regards :-)

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2018, 10:04:05 AM »
Omarov, thanks man! Good advice. Yes, let's do this together. I don't think I can really do this alone. I've been looking for someone to do this with me, encouraging each other, giving each other advises and information that we find alone the way.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 08:16:25 AM by changemylife »

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2018, 01:42:30 PM »
Today is the day for you. don't disappoint us. in particular, don't disappoint yourself. we are sure that you are stronger than these impulses. In addition to thinking before reacting to impulses, another alternative that can help decrease compulsions is to take a deep breath for at least 3 times. do it again and again until you notice that the compulsion has lost its strength. This has already worked for me and can work for you too. Or even doing some physical activity or walking, preferably in outdoors places, away from any screen. nature is there to help us. be brave man!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2018, 02:02:00 PM »
Kaingang, thanks man! Good advice. Yes, your method also works. The idea was to distract myself when I have those impulses. I noticed that I don't actually think rationally when they come so I stop for a minute and look at it better and remind myself why I shouldn't follow the impulses. But anything that could distract you until the urge passes is also good and welcome.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 08:16:45 AM by changemylife »

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #12 on: December 08, 2018, 04:46:13 AM »
When the urges are hard, the brain likes to whisper in my ear: "With your urges right now, if you watch porn, you will turn yourself on like crazy and then if you masturbate, the orgasm will send you to the moon." But I know it's not true because the high is not that great and, even if it were great, I couldn't enjoy it to the fullest because the destroyed feeling I get when I relapse overlaps it and I end up feeling not that great. So, looking at how it manifests for me, why bother? I like the feeling of well-being brought by staying away from PMO. Also, knowing that I'm doing great brings me a feeling of achievement that contributes to my well-being as well.
I have a plan and I feel like I can complete it and be free.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 08:19:16 AM by changemylife »

Fapstronaut2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2018, 09:43:46 AM »
Can you believe it's soon gonna be a full clean week for you? Keep going! whenever you feel weak do nothing but logging in and skimming through the forum. Get yourself an ice cream on the 7th day, and brace yourself for a second awesome week ;)
Avoid alone time.
Avoid boredom at all costs.
Keep yourself busy with chores.
Very excited for you man!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2018, 02:34:29 PM »
Omarov thanks man! The secret was to only focus on a day at a time. 'i don't want to relapse today. I don't care about a month, a year or whatever, I only want not to relapse today." it made a tone of difference for me. I don't know if it works for everybody, but it works for me.
Avoiding bored and alone time it's also an ingredient for success, that's why I pick up hard things that take a lot of time to complete, because they really take a lot of my time which makes me avoid having nothing to do.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2018, 03:59:47 AM »
I have the plan for today and I want to keep myself busy. I need to stay away from being alone with the Internet and start thinking about  getting high (on PMO). Fuck the chemical drugs, the non-chemical drugs, alcohol and everything. I don't need any stimulant.

Fapstronaut2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2018, 07:04:57 AM »
That's the spirit! Pick what works for you and go with it. I've been trying to quit for years now and I've learned a lot on my way. By time, your tools and experience will get more diverse and complex and will complement each other. In other words, you get more skilled at trying to quit with time. An ultimate cure is guaranteed as long as you're determined!
You've been amazing the past few days I must say. Keep it up and give us a success story to admire!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2018, 07:57:32 AM »
Thanks, man! Your support is also one of the things that add to my recovery.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2018, 08:08:52 AM »
Plan for everyday:

1) Write down the things I need to do for that day;
2) Start doing them one at a time;
3) Avoid being alone, bored, in front of the computer;
4) Avoid social media and Youtube (I'm sick and tired of all the whores promoted aggressively);
5) If I feel down, I need to solve it in a natural way, not self-medicating;
6) Have a positive attitude. A negative mind is the perfect victim for escapism;
7) Don't give in to temptations.



hockeyref33

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2018, 08:53:21 AM »
I'm with you brother. i'm on day 29 of being sober. it's extremely difficult. I've changed my daily schedule. My most difficult time was after work when i was at the gym working out. Seeing all the beautiful ladies in their workout gear was to much. i would often masturbate in the shower at the gym. I now work out at 3am when the gym is pretty much empty. it has helped me so much. Another thing is the add filters to your internet. Ask someone to set passcodes so you can't even get to the sites that draw you in.  Have a great sober day!

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2018, 08:57:54 AM »
I'm with you brother. i'm on day 29 of being sober. it's extremely difficult. I've changed my daily schedule. My most difficult time was after work when i was at the gym working out. Seeing all the beautiful ladies in their workout gear was to much. i would often masturbate in the shower at the gym. I now work out at 3am when the gym is pretty much empty. it has helped me so much. Another thing is the add filters to your internet. Ask someone to set passcodes so you can't even get to the sites that draw you in.  Have a great sober day!

Thank you, man! I feel you. Actually, I've been thinking about this filter thing. I need to ask someone to choose a password and never tell me. Another thing is, as you said about going to gym at 3 A.M to avoid triggers, the conclusion is clear: If we want, we can do it, there is no excuse. If we really want to beat this problem, we will find solutions and avoid the triggers. Good luck.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2018, 01:56:08 PM »
it's possible that a very tough mental period will come because there have been discussions about mom bringing someone to live in our home and I hate this shit. I hate that person from the bottom of my heart. I am depressed right now only thinking about it and this will be a challenge for my recovery too because the biggest reason why I PMO is self-medication, I do it like heroin.
The only good thing from this nightmare is the conclusion: "Life will throw very hard times at you and you should learn to deal with them like a normal human being, not like a junkie."

Kaingang

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2018, 02:10:44 PM »
Life will always bring us challenges that we will have to deal with. The difference now is how we deal with this problems. I believe that how we deal with problems is also part of the reboot. If in the past we discounted everything in pornography and alcohol (which makes our situation even worse), now is the time to deal with it differently and face the problems properly. Good luck! Count on our support.

changemylife

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2018, 02:13:49 PM »
Yes, well, this situation is a fucking nightmare if the person moves to our home cause I really really hate that person and this will fuck me up and make me depressed and angry all day! This is a very tough challenge for my recovery as well because I've never known how to deal with problems in a normal way, only running to my room and escaping in addictions. Now a part of the recovery is learning how to deal with my life in a normal way but it's too soon, I just started and now this fucking nightmare! Life has no mercy for me, man!

Fapstronaut2019

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Re: Now or never
« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2018, 02:17:25 PM »
That's too bad! But I think only the first few days of the new situation are gonna be the hardest, so if you stay clear from PMO during that period it will only get easier with time but if you relapse, then it never will. Remember that.
I also agree with Kaingang.
A thing I would consider is to spend as much time as I can outdoors especially in the first few days of such a situation.
Good luck and never stop winning!