Author Topic: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.  (Read 274 times)

Jethro

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Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« on: December 02, 2018, 04:41:27 PM »
Hi, my name is Jethro, and I've just become a member, I want to know the nature of my addiction. I am powerless, and defenceless. I even watch it when every fibre of my being doesn't even want to!.It's the disgust,self loathing,and hatred of myself that's destroying me, and those that I love. But the one thing that this site has given me is something that I haven't had in years,....hope. Thanks for being here.
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

Boris

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2018, 05:23:49 PM »
Welcome Jethro.

 You’ve come to the right place. This is a great community to find support and understanding as we each battle our own personal addictions. Everyone’s experience is different, and yet we all have a common thread. We all want something better for ourselves and loved ones. Post frequently, as it will keep you connected and committed to succeeding.
Peace,
Boris

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2018, 08:27:05 PM »
Hello and Welcome,

This is new for me to and I understand your feelings.  Hang in there and we can get through it together.

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2018, 11:56:34 AM »
Hi, thanks for replying to me,that really means a lot.you've made me feel very welcome,and I hope that we can be of help to each other,
                                        Thanks again,
                                            Jethro
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

huckleberry

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2018, 12:05:51 PM »
Hi Jethro,

I wish you the best of luck in defeating this addiction. I'm the same way. I don't want to do this, I rationally know I can make myself stop but I haven't be able to for decades. I'm at 18 days now and I am getting a lot of help from this group. A lot of guys on here have been through what we're going through and reading about their stories and struggles really helps.

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2018, 10:04:24 PM »
Hi Huckleberry, thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me. It has helped me hugely to know that there are other people who are like me. You know,before I found this site,I actually thought that I was the only guy in the world who had this problem, I didn't see it as an addiction, just that I got got irritated,for want of a better word, if someone or something interfered with my plans to spend time watching. I wish both of us well my friend, be blessed brother.
                             Jethro
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

bob

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2018, 10:28:51 PM »
I actually thought that I was the only guy in the world who had this problem

Good to know that there are others that feel this way...  Crazy isn't it?

We sit alone, doing what we do, and think that we are the only ones. Then, when we actually look into it there are a lot of us. We have all been going down the same path, alone.

You are no longer alone. We are here. We will provide support. We care.

Peace

BTW, good to see other here over 60.   8)
« Last Edit: December 03, 2018, 10:32:09 PM by bob »

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2018, 01:58:23 AM »
Hi bob,thanks so much for getting in touch. It's been a real eye opener for me to find out all the guys here are exactly what you said, just like me. I had gone through all of my adult life thinking that I was the only guy who indulged in watching porn,having cyber sexual liaisons,etc:,etc:.I was pond life,a pervert, scum sucker etc:,and every other description you've heard used to describe people like me. Now I know that I'm not alone, I have the one element that has been lacking most of my life;...hope. Thank you once again,and would you mind if I added you to my buddy list?,
                                                Keep the faith brother,.......Jethro
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

bob

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2018, 06:27:31 AM »
would you mind if I added you to my buddy list?,

Not at all. I would be honored.

I was the only guy who indulged in watching porn,having cyber sexual liaisons,etc:,etc:.I was pond life,a pervert, scum sucker etc:,and every other description you've heard used to describe people like me.

I think this is one of the problems with this, maybe the biggest problem. Its the isolation and shame; that we are bad, that we are evil, and we are "scum of the earth." What we are and the compulsion/addiction that has taken over our lives are two separate things. Pmo/mo don't define our lives. It is what we have eventually used as medication to ease the pain. Porn and the person are not inexorably linked. It is what we do, not who we are. We just have to [somehow] break the cycle and seems to control our lives.

It may take some time. We might not always get it right. But if we never give up and keep working, we will eliminate this from our lives.

Peace

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2018, 10:09:52 AM »
Thank you bob,I'm very grateful.
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

huckleberry

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2018, 08:06:23 PM »
Hi Jethro,

How has the last couple of days gone? Still on the straight and narrow. Now that I've be avoiding porn I find a lot more time to think about how I got to this place. You seem a lot like me, in that you know in your heart this isn't something you want to do, but it is harder than you know how to stop.

I think watching porn goes against my values and being the type of person I want to be. I am ashamed to be doing something I would hide from my wife and I can't imagine how low I would feel if my kids knew I did this. My life goal now is to finally start being the person I want to be, who can live life 100% in the open and put this darkness behind me.

bob

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2018, 08:05:23 AM »
I can't imagine how low I would feel if my kids knew I did this.

That is a scary image of deterrent isn't it. Scares me to even think about it.

"Hey dad, whatcha doing?"

Remington.22

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2018, 01:29:59 PM »
EVERYONE here can relate, Jethro. Don't know where you are in terms of practicing a faith but the bible contains an incredible amount of truth and what you have just described is summed up so perfectly and succinctly in the book of Romans 7th chapter, "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."  We've all been there, many still are -- about to log on, about to click, about to _______ while thinking to ourselves at the very same time, "WHY AM I DOING THIS?!! I don't want this crap in my life!"  ...yet forging ahead anyway.  So powerful is the brain's drive and desire for that rush.

We can come here for support, put filters and blockers in place, etc., yadda, etc. We've all done it and we all know -- when/if we want to find ways around our safeguards,...we will.  At the end of it all. When the road reaches its end - its a matter of drive, determination and will power. I wish is weren't so. We all do. I wish there were a pill. There isn't.

The last time I viewed pron was April 8, 2018. I can tell you from present day, real life, personal experience - it gets easier. Depending on the depth of one's addiction, and I first started viewing 40 years ago, mustering the willpower to survive that initial onslaught, the constant "man I want a fix" of the first 90 days is brutal. The first days and weeks being the worst. But it comes down to a matter of willpower and thought control. The mind must FIRST conceive then the body acts. When those memories come, when you begin playing videos on the theater of your brain - shut them down. Right then and there. Its neither easy nor desirable, b/c we WANT the images. But when you reach the level of self-discipline to hit the 'off' switch at that stage, then the days of sobriety turn into weeks which turn into months (in my case) which turn into years (in the case of some others here.)

Blessings, my brother. Its possible, its doable. The issue is our double-mindedness. You want to succeed in kicking this, but at the same time....you don't. Only one side can win. When the former overpowers the latter, you'll make it.

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2018, 08:31:35 AM »
Hi Remington.22
                         Thanks so much for taking the time to leave me a message. I value your input very much.As I've already stated, I thought that I was the only person on the planet who did what I did,you have no idea how comforting it was to find that there were other people who were as addicted as I am.People who felt the same shame,self loathing and disgust that I felt.There was also the fear of discovery,then one day it happened,....and the look of disgust on my wife's face was enough to make me wish there was a a rock nearby that I could crawl under.But today I have her support,even though I know that I don't deserve it because apart from the watching pornography,I also indulged myself by having several online affairs, with both sexes,cyber sex included.Anyway,would you have any objections to me adding you to my buddy list?.Thanks again,
                                    Happy trails,
                                         .   Jethro

Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

bob

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #14 on: December 06, 2018, 08:59:28 AM »
I have her support,

This is a big reason to work to make sure you come out on the other side. Any woman that attempts to understand is utterly amazing. That does not negate their pain or feeling if isolation or understandably asking, is it me?

Keep up the good fight Jethro for she is worth the pain.

Peace to you.

Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #15 on: December 06, 2018, 04:25:12 PM »
Thanks bob, yes,she is an amazing woman. I know that I don't deserve her, but I'm so glad that she decided to stay, for it was far from certain that she would. She has told me though, that if I mess up again, she is gone, no more chances. Thanks for your help and support too bob, it really does make a difference,
                  Happy trails brother,
                            Jethro
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

Rex

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2018, 11:51:30 AM »
Thanks bob, yes,she is an amazing woman. I know that I don't deserve her, but I'm so glad that she decided to stay, for it was far from certain that she would. She has told me though, that if I mess up again, she is gone, no more chances. Thanks for your help and support too bob, it really does make a difference,
                  Happy trails brother,
                            Jethro

Keep up the battle, you are doing great!  I am praying for you...

Rex
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Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2018, 01:25:41 AM »
Hi Rex,
           Thank you so much for your kind words!. I can't say it has been anything but extremely hard, but I am determined to succeed. I think of my ever loyal wife,my kids and grand babies when the temptations are strongest. I also pray a lot!, I have found a great deal of comfort from communing with God, and I have come to realise that for years I was one of those people who tried to "bargain" with Him; "if you get me out of this, I'll do such and such", you know the type of thing. Since starting my reboot however, I have come to see that it is one thing to believe in God, and another thing completely to rely on Him. I have believed since I was a small child, but the reliance wasn't there, now I have come to see that I was one of the millions of people who prayed daily, asking for whatever, but didn't wait for His answer. If you ask someone something, doesn't it make sense to wait for them to answer you?. I try not to ask for anything for myself when I pray, instead I pray for other people, countries in the middle of war zones,famine,drought etc:, etc:, but since the beginning of my reboot, I have asked for strength, courage and honesty for myself, I don't think God will mind that. Anyway, thank you for praying for me, and,if you don't mind,I shall add you to my daily prayer list; I would also like to add you to my buddy list if you have no objections, perhaps you could let me know by a short reply, thank you once again,
                 Happy trails brother,
                           Jethro.
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.

Remington.22

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #18 on: December 12, 2018, 03:42:48 PM »
If you haven't yet, Jethro, read this: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16417.0
And get yourself a supply of nice, heavy rubberbands. The rubberband thing works. It really does. Give it a try.

Rex

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2018, 04:52:37 PM »
Hi Rex,
           Thank you so much for your kind words!. I can't say it has been anything but extremely hard, but I am determined to succeed. I think of my ever loyal wife,my kids and grand babies when the temptations are strongest. I also pray a lot!, I have found a great deal of comfort from communing with God, and I have come to realise that for years I was one of those people who tried to "bargain" with Him; "if you get me out of this, I'll do such and such", you know the type of thing. Since starting my reboot however, I have come to see that it is one thing to believe in God, and another thing completely to rely on Him. I have believed since I was a small child, but the reliance wasn't there, now I have come to see that I was one of the millions of people who prayed daily, asking for whatever, but didn't wait for His answer. If you ask someone something, doesn't it make sense to wait for them to answer you?. I try not to ask for anything for myself when I pray, instead I pray for other people, countries in the middle of war zones,famine,drought etc:, etc:, but since the beginning of my reboot, I have asked for strength, courage and honesty for myself, I don't think God will mind that. Anyway, thank you for praying for me, and,if you don't mind,I shall add you to my daily prayer list; I would also like to add you to my buddy list if you have no objections, perhaps you could let me know by a short reply, thank you once again,
                 Happy trails brother,
                           Jethro.

Jethro,

So very well said, those are great words of wisdom concerning prayer, listening to God, and trusting in God.  I too have been guilty of trying to barter with God.  It's been so hard for me to completely rely on God, and let go, but I have really improved in this area.  God definitely sees our struggles and hears our prayers.  I have this prayer card right on my night stand that says:

"Pray, hope, and don't worry.  Worry is useless.  God is merciful and will hear your prayers.  Prayer is the best weapon we have.  It is the key to God's heart."  - St. Padre Pio

Thank you so much for adding me to your daily prayer list.  And yes you can add me to your buddy list.  I will pray for you daily.  We can both beat this addiction with God's Grace....

Rex
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Jethro

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Re: Powerless, defenceless and hating myself.
« Reply #20 on: December 13, 2018, 07:36:15 AM »
Thank you Rex,
                       It has made such a difference knowing that I have you guys watching my back and encouraging me, and praying has certainly strengthened me beyond measure. I know that I have to stay vigilant, this addiction is clever, in that it is one of those illnesses, and yes, I see it is an illness today, that tries to convince us that we don't have it, how insidious and sneaky is that?. The fact that I have people praying for me as well, is a tremendous help, you don't want to let people who take the time to pray for you down, at least I don't. I have also become a member of a Christian organisation called the Samson Society. It's a band of brothers who hold virtual video meetings as well as face to face meetings, sadly there are no meetings in my area, so I depend on the virtual meetings. Perhaps you might want to check it out?. Anyway, I backslid two days into my reboot, so now my reboot is December 4th, and now I am 9 days sober. Thanks for being here, and thank you for being the buddy you are,
                            Jethro.
Hi, my name is Jethro,and I am 63years old I'm married, and between us, we have so many children that they all have numbers now instead of names, and don't even think of asking about the grandkids!!. Both of us have been married before. I'm very glad to be here.