Author Topic: Here we go  (Read 963 times)

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #25 on: December 02, 2018, 08:16:15 PM »
Journalling now simply to keep my hands busy.  I've done pretty much all I can think of to do.  It's a matter of staying away from the phone.  I wish I knew how to draw, or sketch or crochet or something.  I need something to occupy my mind.

bob

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #26 on: December 02, 2018, 09:15:10 PM »
There are web services that will send a copy of your activities to anyone you choose, used as a deterrent for going where we shouldn't. Haven't used them but it might be the trick?

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #27 on: December 03, 2018, 08:19:41 AM »
Thank you Bob,

I just came across it last night and I have put it on my phone. 

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #28 on: December 03, 2018, 10:26:51 AM »
I think I'm in a deep depression and I don't know how to get out of it.  Very much feeling like a failure in life and that there is no hope.  It's one of those times that I wish I didn't have a family.  If I didn't have one, I could just give up.  But I can't give up today no matter how bad I want to.  It's such a place of torture to be desperate to give up, but unable. 

I never truly mean that I want to give up my family or wish I didn't have them.  I'm very thankful for them.  I just wish that I could take a bit of a break and there is no chance for that.  Things are dire. 

bob

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #29 on: December 03, 2018, 03:23:08 PM »
Please take solace in the idea that you are not alone.

My depression is one of the great feeders of the challenges I face, whether it is porn, masturbation, self-esteem, organization, procrastination. Man, when I start to write all these things down, I'm really screwed up. :0)

Seriously, depression is my biggest hurtle. It is what holds me back and makes me run to medicate myself with pmo/mo.

I am not sure these are the words of support I wanted to give but i do understand your pain. I hope you can find someone to talk to about this. It's a real challenge when one is by themselves.

Peace my brother.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2018, 04:17:45 PM »
Yeah, insomnia is the dear friend of unquenched horniness.  I know it well.  What kind of blocker do you have on your phone?  You need one to prevent the "Oops how did I end up here?" phenomenon.  Navigating to porn and social media sites is like driving home and not remembering the drive, you just end up there unconsciously.  The blocker will remove that unconscious gravitation.

I recommend hardmode at the beginning.  It extracts you from the hedonistic treadmill completely.  It removes all hope, which paradoxically lets you rest and discover a new baseline.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2018, 11:29:06 AM »
Thank you Bob and Uncreated light.

Yesterday was just a big binge.  Nothing productive about it at all.  The urges are awful.  It's the damn phone.  I can't find a software for my phone that isn't super easy to remove. 

Today is better, but I'm just exhausted from yesterday. 

I have done my best to screw up the phone.  I don't really need the phone except to talk and text my wife.  I've restricted content and hidden it the best I can.  Please God give me the strength to resist it when the time comes.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #32 on: December 04, 2018, 02:30:46 PM »
Keeping busy.  Just exhausted.  Trying not to watch the clock, but that seems to be the only thing I know to do.  The day is halfway over.  I wish I could have some sort of break from the struggle and the guilt. 

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #33 on: December 04, 2018, 05:42:12 PM »
I failed again.  I'm thinking today was just laziness.  There really was no need except an overwhelming amount of stress I was under today.  At some point I have to stop blaming an inability and man up.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2018, 07:09:55 PM »
So I realized that I am just journaling, but not making much of an effort to reboot.  I'd rather journal about the struggle of rebooting rather than journaling about my failures and binges.

It's been a crazy couple of days.

Here we go.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #35 on: December 05, 2018, 07:19:27 AM »
So I woke up with a new sense of purpose.  Today is a beginning of a reboot.  For some reason I'm pretty confident at the moment.  Yesterday was spent in a lot of prayer and reflection.  I don't think I have ever poured my heart out to God like I did yesterday.  I didn't necessarily feel comforted, only spent.  But this morning I woke up with a sense of comfort and confidence. 

I've ordered my day.  I am ready.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #36 on: December 05, 2018, 01:14:00 PM »
Halfway through the day and I feel like I've climbed a mountain.  Kind of emotionally numb.  Not sure why.  I have prayed for the strength to do this.  I know God answers prayers.  I have just failed so many times that I'm worried.  But I have to approach this is a known struggle.  It will be hard and I'm prepared for it. 

It is simply a matter of "persevere or lose everything."  I simply cannot lose everything.

bob

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #37 on: December 05, 2018, 03:11:57 PM »
Jason,

Try embracing the pain. That feeling means you are breaking the brain pathways that  suck the life out of you. Don’t let it draw you back to porn.

Pain means your winning! Pain is good!

Well maybe not real pain but you know what I mean.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #38 on: December 05, 2018, 03:25:59 PM »
Thank you Bob!  I am definitely embracing the pain now.  Trying to stay busy.  Trying to focus and stay organized.  It's hard, but i'm committed.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #39 on: December 05, 2018, 03:51:55 PM »
It's only 2:45 and the urges are increasing.  Quite frustrating and very distracting.  I have a lot I need to do and it's hard to do it with these distractions.  I'm doing my best to be a bit more mindful about everything rather than run from the urges or get frustrated or give in.  Someone posted in their journal about RAIN.  Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Note.  This is a bit more forgiving rather than the white knuckle approach.  I'm trying it, but already beginning to tell myself little lies that will justify me doing what I want to do.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #40 on: December 05, 2018, 07:45:43 PM »
I'm having a resurgence in urges now.  RAIN works.  Feel it in your body.  Where do you feel the urge?  I start gritting my teeth, feel pressure in my penis, and tense my neck.  Don't think.  Don't fight it.  Focus on how your body feels, how your emotions feel.  If you start getting distracted and feel the urge overwhelming you, return to focusing on it how it feels.

You are rolling on a river.  The ride will smooth in a bit.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #41 on: December 06, 2018, 07:27:12 AM »
Thank you so much Uncreatedlight.

I actually slept well, but a bit irritable this morning.  I have a busy day and I really don't want to do any of it.  I'm trying to rev myself up and have a positive attitude for the day.

It's a good day.  I can make it through.  I just have to do my job.  There's a level of boredom with my job that I have to overcome and I'm a bit afraid that that will be my weakness.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #42 on: December 06, 2018, 10:39:03 AM »
I have cut out a lot of my triggers, which in a way makes me sad.  I now avoid being alone at work.  It's a bit hard for me as I tend to crave alone time.  But if it makes me tired then so be it.  I'm trying to find energy in the small successes.  There's energy in withdraw for me and fatigue in the binge.  I'm choosing energy as it feels a bit better than the fatigue.  I can't fight fatigue. 

I can't believe it's only 9:30am

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #43 on: December 06, 2018, 01:09:55 PM »
So one of my big triggers is being at work alone.  There's always a couple of hours at lunch that I am alone and that is when I fail.  So today I left work and went home and had lunch with my wife.

bob

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #44 on: December 06, 2018, 01:53:54 PM »
That is a wonderful idea. Good thinking.

I sometimes leave my computer at work. Then I am not tempted.

Peace

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #45 on: December 06, 2018, 04:17:17 PM »
It's really insane to me that this is so hard.  I really almost feel like I have to.  It's only been two days and I'm itching towards my phone.  I feel like I need just a little bit.  Almost like it is a drug.  It's like I don't know what to do with my hands.  Fidgety hands, super distracted, almost not thinking correctly.  Trying to be in the moment though.  It's a bit of a suckfest right now.  Trying to play Candyland with one of my kids and just feel like throwing the board across the room.

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #46 on: December 06, 2018, 04:40:26 PM »
I finally set a lock on my phone.  Pretty cool little app that shuts down your phone for a bit.  Still not sure what to do with myself, but I know not to do that.

NewVerse

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #47 on: December 06, 2018, 05:19:06 PM »
I finally set a lock on my phone.  Pretty cool little app that shuts down your phone for a bit.  Still not sure what to do with myself, but I know not to do that.

It is all about habits. Your brain will adjust.
"It's not real"

jasonsjunk1975

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #48 on: December 06, 2018, 07:40:22 PM »
At home now and have set another lock on my phone.  At this point I'm just trying be present in the moment.  I'm hoping I just fall asleep soon.  I am dreading not being able to sleep.  But I hope I can sleep.  After two days of anxiety, I'm fairly relaxed. 

Rex

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Re: Here we go
« Reply #49 on: December 06, 2018, 08:25:57 PM »
Jasonsjunk1975,

Keep fighting the good fight, you can beat it!  One of the things that I find works really well when you have really bad temptations is to pray, really talk to Jesus or God.  Talk as if you are talking to your friend or family member, express how you really want to stay away from porn but can't do it on your own and that you really need help. It's in these times when I notice I receive those extra graces and suddenly I am able to beat the temptations and urges. Also during really bad urges and temptations I listen to youtube video talks by Bishop Sheen, Joel Osteen, etc. I find when I start to focus on God and Jesus, instead of my own urges that the addiction begins to lose its grip on me. Last week I woke up to terrible anxiety and had really bad temptations, I listened to a 27 minute Joel Osteen talk on youtube and the temptation left me and I felt uplifted after the video was over.

Also it's important to realize the following:

1) One fall to PMO is not one fall but a PMO marathon that makes it hard to get back on the wagon again.

2) Stay away from dirty R-rated movies, TV programs, and anything else that gets you sexually excited.  I found watching documentaries or other educational programs or other clean TV shows keeps away the urges while in recovery.

3) Know what your triggers are and stay away from them. PMO addiction is like falling off the cliff, you want to stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as you can because if you linger around the edge of the cliff you will fall.

4) Realize no matter how bad the urges and temptations are, they will eventually pass. Every time they pass and you beat them, it gets easier to beat them the next time.

5) Keep yourself busy with activities, sitting around with lots of idle free time is not good when in recovery.

6) Pray, pray, and pray - I found praying the Rosary to be a very effective in beating the addiction.

No matter what don't give up, keep trying you will eventually be victorious in your battle.  Keep thinking about how bright your future will be without PMO.
 
Rex


 

   
Rex
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