Author Topic: Discobolus versus Pornography (16 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME  (Read 6741 times)

discobolus

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5 days no PMO

It’s been 7 weeks since the shit hit the fan and my wife blurted out after sex that she wanted a separation. Now things have improved dramatically in the marriage department and we are living together, having sex, and enjoying each other again.

My diet and exercise has gone to shit in the last 7 weeks, I’ve probably lifted less than 5 times and diet has been total junk. I’m 30 pounds heavier than I was on 1/28.

So that’s going to be a big emphasis of mine now is getting in shape. I have no appetite right now for clean foods but that will improve. I’m going to eat very little (maybe 2400 calories) for a few days and then start upping my clean food intake until my weight stabilizes and then cut from there once my metabolism is cranking again and aim for 2-3 pounds loss per week.

cranm329

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Well done. Glad you've agreed to stay together. Advice: keep talking, disclosing and maintain openness.

jixu

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Hope you were able to get your diet and exercise back on track.  Take care!

discobolus

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I haven’t been on here in a while. Some things in my life are going well and some need some work.

On the positive side my marriage seems to be going great. We weren’t able to get the 5 year old into day care for summer so with my wife working as a prosecuting attorney part time we needed to figure out a plan. I watch them on the weeks I’m off and her mom and a friend of hers watch them the weeks I work. I think me doing more around the house and with the boys has helped things. It probably makes me more understanding. I’ve enjoyed spending time with the boys.

We are in the process of buying land with plans to build a house. We will close on 14 acres of wooded area at the base of a mountain with a creek in a couple of weeks. Lots of wildlife including bears. It’s beautiful land and even before we build we will go swimming at the creek and camping as well.

Porn use has been quite limited because I had a buddy activate the screen time blocker and I don’t know the password. I have figured out that the Twitter app has plenty of porn though but not in the limitless easily searchable variety as a Tube site. Last porn use was Sunday so I’ve got a full day under my belt.

Diet and exercise hasn’t been good since January 28. I’ve made a lot of false starts between them and now but I’m gonna keep trying. Got back at it today.

I’m going to try to keep checking in on a regular basis here.

discobolus

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2 days No PMO

I lifted again today so that makes 2 days in a row. Also I’ve stuck to my diet again today so far.

I’m on testosterone replacement therapy and stopped my estrogen blocker back in March because I think my estrogen levels were too low based on symptoms. Now I feel like they are sky high. I’m bloated and some edema, low energy, and libido has actually been low. Normally I’d prefer to have sex at least every other night but recently I haven’t been craving it as much and if I get turned down I’m kind of like no big deal. Now around day 4 or 5 I’m getting anxious but normally that happens a lot sooner.

jixu

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That upcoming land purchase sounds amazing-swimming in the creek and the sighting of bears !  Glad to hear about the marriage going well; marital disharmony is not fun!  Keep going and continue to build off of your good start !

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (1 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #181 on: October 27, 2019, 10:40:30 PM »
After a long hiatus I’m back.

Things are good with the marriage. Oh we have the occasional hurt feelings but overall very good. We
have sex 2-3 times per week, not quite as high as it once was but not bad all things considered. After things got bad at the first of the year we’ve both had a hard time getting back on track with healthy eating and exercise. This has certainly effected the sex because we both gained a lot of weight and fat sex isn’t the best. ED has been worse for me especially the last 20-30 pounds.

I want to try to post more here. I need to put together another streak of no porn and sticking to my diet and exercise programs. I’m also going to try to do a social media fast for a while. Today is day 1 of all three (porn, diet/exercise, and social media).

My wife’s weight has always seemed to track with mine. Rule of thumb she almost always weighs in pounds what I weigh in kilograms. That tells me when I lead she follows and when I get in better shape she feels the pressure to look better herself. Plus I need to do it for the kids because our 5 year old is getting kind of chubby.

I’ll try to stay more active here. 

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (1 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #182 on: October 28, 2019, 05:49:17 PM »
PMO Free: 2 days
Stuck to Diet: 2 days
Social Media fast: 2 days

No real issues today. I lost 2.8 pounds the first day. All water weight of course but I need to lose some water weight.

I was a little tempted in regards to porn but not that bad.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (1 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #183 on: October 29, 2019, 03:20:09 PM »
I just read a lot of my journal and it was emotional reliving those events. At times I almost starting crying with joy for things when they started to improve. I think rereading my journal is a very effective way of dealing with temptation.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (4 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #184 on: October 31, 2019, 08:44:20 AM »
4 days NO PMO

I’ve been tempted here and there but it hasn’t been too bad. I’ve been quick to recognize when I’m mindlessly surfing and start seeing more and more titillating (usually celebrity articles) content. I then do something else at that point. Re-reading my own journal as well as others really helps as well. When I read about guys facing divorce and losing their kids it’s really sobering and will snap you back to reality very quickly.

Had some great sex with the wifey last night. No issues with ED and she came twice so that was good. I think if I can get in shape and stay away from porn the sex will just get better and better.

I’m really starting to realize that we live in just a hyper stimulating world from our food to porn to social media and even the 24 hour news cycle. I feel like the optimal reset would almost be like living like a monk for a while.

My wife and I each give each other a 5 day trip each year where we get to do something we want solo. We are both introverts and need it. My last one was going to the Arnold Classic in March. My wife is going to go to Paris in December. Plane tickets will be on miles so only paying for hotel and food. Anyway I’m really considering going to the mountains next summer for my trip. An extended amount of alone time with nature with lots of sun and activity would do me wonders as far as a dopamine resensitizing reboot.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 09:28:41 AM by discobolus »

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (4 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #185 on: October 31, 2019, 09:04:45 PM »
5 Days No PMO

Nothing that big to report. I’m not dealing with any bad temptations. Today being Halloween I ate a lot of candy and junk food. My belly is huge and distended and I feel horrible. It’s time to get back on track with the diet and exercise and make it a big priority.

Where I can see myself messing up is the same way I always do with a gradual slippery slope of more and more seductive images. I’m watching Blippi with my 2 year old and he says something about “green hose” so I do a Google image search for green Star Trek lady and send a pic to my wife with the comment “green hoes”. The picture is a little bit titillating and I was tempted to peruse the search results which included a lot of cosplay girls but I stopped and came here. I’ve got image blockers on my phone so nothing too bad would have come up but it could lead me down the wrong path.

Other than stuff like that I’m doing pretty good. I’m getting regular release with my wife so that makes things easier.

lyon03

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (5 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #186 on: November 01, 2019, 06:12:40 AM »
Thanks for sharing brother and good luck with your journey. Keep coming back.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (6 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #187 on: November 02, 2019, 10:31:53 AM »
6 Days No PMO

Nothing that difficult to report at this point. I’ve been doing a pretty good job at recognizing triggers and they are often something just as simple as a face picture of a pretty lady. My internet surfing is typically news sites, and also looking for news on some movies I’m looking forward to, specifically the new Star Wars movie and the 2020 Dune movie. There will be links to other articles and many of them have a pretty woman as clickbait.

Today might be a little difficult as the wife gave me a BJ last night and that chaser effect is real. Anyway, late this evening will be one week in the books of no PMO, so that’s good.

jixu

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (6 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #188 on: November 02, 2019, 11:55:12 AM »
You are off to a great start-nice work.  You are right about triggers-many of them are off-line!

I read Dune last year.  Didn't get into the sequels as much but the first novel itself was awesome.  There is an interesting and fascinating interview with Frank Herbert on youtube. 

Anyway, congratulations on your new commitment and success. 

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (7 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #189 on: November 03, 2019, 11:36:33 AM »
7 days in and going strong.

This is only known by a handful of people but I’m preparing for a career change. I’m burned out on being a hospitalist physician who works for a healthcare system. It’s never what I wanted to do but kind of fell into it and the income is decent and stable.

My dream is to have my own primary care practice that doesn’t deal with insurance and specializes in anti-aging medicine.

This sort of practice would never work where I currently live because it’s too small and not enough people with money to support that type of practice. My hometown would be perfect for it though. It’s not a huge city but it’s a very wealthy area with multiple major corporations as well as offices for all the companies that do business with the big companies. So my goal is to prepare to start my own business and move summer of 2021. In the mean time I need to pay off some debt, save, and improve my knowledge base in anti-aging medicine as well as work on my office primary care knowledge since I’ve been doing inpatient hospital work exclusively for the last 9 years. So I’ve got a few conferences in the coming months I’m going to attend in the next few months to get the ball rolling as well as preparing to take a certification exam for anti-aging medicine. This sort of thing is a natural extension of my interest in bodybuilding and I already have a lot of contacts in the fitness industry. In fact the guy that founded the anti-aging medicine academy I’m going to work with was honored with a lifetime achievement award at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Arnold Classic a couple years ago.

I’m excited about these changes.

I also realized this is the first time I’m attempting a reboot where I’m not riding the dopamine high of a new relationship or I got caught and the stakes are super high. So I’m not doing this because I got in trouble but because it’s the right thing to do.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (8 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #190 on: November 04, 2019, 10:29:20 AM »
8 days no PMO and going strong.

Last night had a situation that would have been a possible slip in the past but I think I handled it OK.

My wife came to visit me at work yesterday and seemed pretty amorous. She brought the boys to see me and got me lunch. We’ve been averaging sex every other night for the last week or so, so I figured last night would probably be a sex night. I popped a viagra on the way home from work in anticipation. When I got home the boys were running around wild and the house was wrecked (mostly the 2 year old). My wife was laying in bed and said she was feeling sick. I probably showed it a little bit but I tried not to get too grumpy. Most of the time when she says she’s feeling sick it’s not an actual infectious illness it’s because she’s been eating a lot of junk food. When she’s sticking with a lower carb diet she feels much more energy and sex is slightly more frequent. Anyway, I was a little upset but not too bad and we worked on getting the boys in bed and then I went to clean up the house. I then watched a new episode of South Park and went to bed. This was a potential situation in the past where I’d look at porn almost out of spite or because I felt like I deserved it but nothing of the sort last night. She feels better this morning and she cleaned up the rest of the house I didn’t get. It’s all good. I’ll probably get laid tonight. This evening will be 9 days.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (8 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #191 on: November 04, 2019, 08:22:09 PM »
9 Days No PMO and going strong

I slept in this morning and got some much needed sleep and spent a lot of time with the 2 year old which was good. I picked up the 5 year old from school and took them to the park and then went out as a family to eat. The wife and the oldest are at AWANAS right now and I’m home with the 2 year old. I’ve been reading some of the journals in the younger age categories and I really feel sorry for a lot of those guys. Some of these guys are really bad off as far as mental health. I’m reading about guys who are addicted to tranny porn and even visiting transgender escorts. I know I have anxiety but some of these guys are at a whole new level. I see it a little bit with the older guys but these young ones are obsessed with their dicks and “flatlining”. These guys seem obsessed thinking something is wrong with them if a glance from a hot woman doesn’t immediately cause a raging boner. I never get a sense of any sort of goals or purpose in their lives other than just existing and seeking pleasure and it’s really sad. I was a virgin in my late teens and until my mid 20s but I don’t think I ever obsessed over it because I was being being a really good college athlete and then going to medical school. Now I certainly lamented not feeling like girls liked me or feeling like a loner but I didn’t obsess over it like I see these young guys doing.

Maybe my point is I’m pretty lucky. I’ve got a wife who although has gained a lot of weight is still very pretty and sexy. I’ve got 2 little boys who love their daddy very much. I’ve got a high paying job and have status in the community. I’ve got it pretty good.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (9 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #192 on: November 05, 2019, 02:11:53 PM »
9 days No PMO

I’m still going strong. This evening will be 10 days. I had sex last night and everything stayed really hard so no problems with ED or DE.

I’ve been so focused the last 10 days on what not to do. I’ve been almost obsessive about looking at my counter to see how many seconds it’s been since I’ve looked at porn. I’m not struggling or craving it I’m just obsessed with the sheer amount of time instead of what I’m doing with it.

The one good thing I’ve done is journal but I’ve not done much else productive. Spent a lot of time sleeping today and have got very little done. Now is the time to start adding instead of only taking way. I need to:

1. Lift weights
2. Do cardio
3. Stick to my meal plan
4. Take my supplements
5. Take my testosterone shots (I’ve been very hit and miss with these since shit went down on 1/28)
6. Get little repairs around the house done
7. Study anti-aging medicine for my career change and so I can get certified
8. Pray
9. Listen to Christian music
10. Read my Bible
11. Journal
12. Read self help books
13. Meditate
14. Listen to anti-porn, overeating, and ED self hypnosis tracks
15. Do Kegals
16. Do visualization work
17. Do EMDR work (I’ve done it once with therapist and have an app and it really works. I often have zero porn desire for days after a session of this)

There are lots of things I can be doing besides obsessively checking my sobriety counter and reading on here.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (10 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #193 on: November 05, 2019, 10:04:46 PM »
10 days no PMO

Holding strong with no major temptations. Not really a whole lot to add to my post from this morning.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (10 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #194 on: November 06, 2019, 01:59:03 PM »
11 days no PMO tonight.

I’m accompanying my wife today to get a mammogram. It’s actually a follow-up mammogram as her last one had a abnormality. I’m not worried, this is very common especially with mammograms in younger women. We live in a place where it’s about 90 minutes from any town of decent size so we often have to drive for shopping or doctors appointments.

The 5 year old is in school and the 2 year old is in day care so it’s just the two of us today (she’s getting the mammogram right now that’s why I’m on here).

Part of my motivation for wanting to start my own clinic back in my hometown is that there is nothing to do where we live now and I hate driving for the simplest things. For example it’s nearly a 3 hour drive to the closest commercial airport. Not fun when you are returning from a long trip and then face a very fatigued 3 hour drive home.

We bought the land earlier in the year but at this point don’t plan on building. It will probably be a year and half before I tell my employer my plans so I’ll wait until then to sell it.

I’m holding strong with urges, nothing too bad to speak of at this point. It’s rare that there is a day where it’s just overwhelming. Far more likely I’m prone to relapse after days of making small wrong choices. Lingering on an article or a YouTube video for too long or light masturbation (maybe just tweaking my nipples) when I know I shouldn’t.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (10 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #195 on: November 06, 2019, 08:47:23 PM »
Good news is that the repeat mammogram was normal. That was a relief. Tonight will be 11 days.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (10 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #196 on: November 07, 2019, 10:17:32 AM »
No PMO for 12 days tonight.

In a few hours it will be 1 million seconds since last porn viewing. It’s a meaningless number in the grand scheme of things but I always make not of it on my counter.

Had sex last night and stayed hard and didn’t have any DE. Yes, I took a Viagra but in the past I’ve had ED/DE even with Viagra. So things are going in the right direction.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (12 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #197 on: November 08, 2019, 10:31:04 AM »
No PMO for 13 days tonight

I’ve been doing pretty well as far as temptation but have had some very mild urges this morning. I’m not having anything I can’t get through though.

Since I made it to 1 million seconds my next goal is 10 million seconds which is a bit under 116 days.

I’m finding one of the most powerful ways to deal with temptation is to read posts by the partners of addicts. My wife and boys are the most important things in the world to me and it hurts me that I’ve hurt my wife as described in those women’s posts and I never want to do that to her again.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 10:44:37 AM by discobolus »

cranm329

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (12 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #198 on: November 08, 2019, 12:28:55 PM »
Well done. My wife is and has been the prime motivator for me to give up the addiction.

discobolus

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Re: Discobolus versus Pornography (12 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME
« Reply #199 on: November 08, 2019, 01:34:47 PM »
Well done. My wife is and has been the prime motivator for me to give up the addiction.

Thanks. It’s very powerful reading about the woman’s point of view.