Author Topic: Discobolus versus Pornography (5 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME  (Read 4270 times)

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #150 on: February 15, 2019, 01:36:11 PM »
3 days no PMO

Yesterday was kind of a rough Valentine’s Day. I went to my counseling appointment and he said everything is on the right track with my marriage reconciliation. He really emphasized that she needs relationship comfort and right now she isn’t getting that. Early in our relationship she said she felt safe and relaxed around me. I don’t think she feels that now but it is coming back. We talked about my inner shame and wounds that happened over the years. I really think that is the root cause of my porn use and even my ED. I’m on high alert all the time with a low level of anxiety and that’s not conducive to erections. We learned in medical school that erections are a parasympathetic nervous system response and losing an erection or ejaculating is a sympathetic nervous system response. Anxiety refs up your sympathetic nervous system so it’s no wonder I have so much issues with ED.

He gave me an assignment to write down the 12 most damaging events that come to my mind. I’ve come up with a list but nothing is all that traumatic. Just a lot of little stuff that told me I wasn’t good enough or important. He thinks as we work through this process my baseline anxiety will go from a 100 to a 35 in relative terms.

After therapy I went to the mall and bought some new clothes and just relaxed as I ate in the food court. I was in a college town saw lots of hotties everywhere.

Then I went and got a haircut and a beard trim and headed home. My wife was actually calling and texting me a lot yesterday. She kept saying how much she loved me but didn’t feel like we should have sex just yet because it might just reestablish the status quo and we won’t make any progress. In theory I absolutely agree but it sure feels like rejection and jumping through hoops to get sex. Especially on Valentine’s Day which is the day I proposed. She was quick to tell me she wanted nothing for Valentine’s Day.

I worked on the boy’s sleep again last night. She stayed at the house but I think I guilted her into that.

I got an image blocker for my phone. It’s not an effective porn blocker because I can just turn it off but it will keep me from coming across titillating pics when I’m just reading the news.

I was testing it out and for some reason it still displays the first 4 or so images on google image search but those are already pretty filtered anyway. I googled my name and a pic of my wife came up where she is looking gorgeous. I thought it was someone else at first until I looked closer. I showed it to my wife this morning and her comment was “you used to have sex with her”. I tried not to show it but ouch. I think she actually felt bad and did give me a very light kiss on the way out this morning.

I’m really working on the neediness right now.

I’m looking forward to going to the Arnold Classic sports festival in Columbus, Ohio in a couple of weeks. It’s the largest bodybuilding show and sports Expo in the world. At the Expo there will be half naked women running around everywhere. She said a few months ago she can’t send me off to that without sex but we shall see. I leave in 12 days. I’ll be gone for 6 days. She’s either going to love it or she will start to miss me. I suspect the latter.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #151 on: February 17, 2019, 12:04:51 AM »
4 days no PMO

We went as a family today to help my wife’s aunt move. I’m glad I did this. I didn’t expect to but I genuinely had a good time. I had fun with my wife. We were carrying loads in the back of my truck from one house to another (she was only moving a few blocks) and we were playing the Sanford and Son theme music because it seemed funny.

I honestly am usually annoyed by my wife’s mom, aunt, and cousin but genuinely wasn’t today. Maybe I really am a changed man. After moving we all went out to Texas Roadhouse and then we came home.

I was reading in a book about the type of marriage counseling we are about to start about physical touch and I realized how much I’ve missed touching my wife. I wasn’t even sure if she would go for it but I gave her a foot rub. She didn’t resist and was very much enjoying it. I didn’t lead to anything else but that wasn’t the point. I just wanted to touch her.

We are still working on the boy’s sleep. I’m up with the little one right now.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #152 on: February 18, 2019, 09:24:28 AM »
6 days no PMO

The last few days have generally been pretty good. I feel like my wife is slowly warming back up to me. There has been more physical touch lately. Still no kissing and certainly no sex but a general improvement. Yesterday in church she kind of rubbed up on me and even played footsie a little bit.

She seemed a little more distant last night after talking on the phone with her cousin. My wife’s best friend from college had sent us a meme about making your relationship a priority on Facebook messenger. She is aware that we are having problems and from my standpoint she just wants us to reconcile and have a great marriage. My wife thought it was weird and her cousin told her that the best friend has the hots for me.

The truth is I reached out to the best friend (as well as my wife’s mom and cousin) when talk of separation started. Basically I just wanted some pro marriage voices. Since then the best friend has texted me a few times to see how I was doing. I thought nothing of it, but now I’m thinking it’s not good to be talking to a member of the opposite sex about my relationship and confiding.

Pcpowder

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #153 on: February 21, 2019, 03:30:56 PM »
Just checking in with you and seeing how things are going.  It looks like its been a rough road with some highs but some but huge lows.  Glad to see that things seem to be heading in the right direction.  Stay tough!

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #154 on: February 21, 2019, 04:51:07 PM »
Things are generally moving in the right direction. My wife is kissing me now and saying I love you. She is snuggling up with me some at night and let’s me put my hand between her thighs. I’m letting her lead the way at this point. We have our first marriage counseling appointment on Monday. I saw “refill birth control pills” on her to do list so that is good because a few weeks ago her attitude was “I’m not taking these again there is no need”. She’s about to start her period on the placebo pills so I figure the sex will probably start again after that is over.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #155 on: February 21, 2019, 05:16:35 PM »
I’ve been experiencing some morning wood the last few days so that is a step in the right direction. My diet and exercise has been really shitty lately and that usually causes weaker erections that seems to improve with just a week or 2 of eating good and exercising.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #156 on: February 24, 2019, 11:25:21 AM »
It’s been 37 days (1/18/19) since any real pornography. I have seen a couple of nude images and watched a video of my wife giving me a BJ (my therapist said that’s not porn, not sure if I agree though). There have been a few porn substitutes seen in the last few days as I was looking up pictures of the Bang (energy drink) booth at the Arnold Classic which I’m going to in a few days.

Masturbation has been happening more often than it should with the last being yesterday. I try to not do it but little bits of fantasy sneak in when I’m doing it.

No sex with the wife continues currently at Day 27. This morning she initiated kissing a couple of times. Still no open mouth kisses but they do seem to be getting more passionate.

We have our first couples counseling session tomorrow and then I see my individual therapist on Tuesday and then Wednesday I leave for Columbus, Ohio for 5 nights to go to the Arnold Classic Sports Festival. I will be seeing lots of half naked beautiful women there between the girls working the supplement booths, other attendees, and the women competing in bikini, figure, fitness, and physique. Not sure what I think about this. On one hand it might drive me to look at porn and masturbate but on the other hand it will actually be real women and not a screen.

I’m trying to get on track with my training. I maxed out on a few lifts this week to see what my strength was like. I’ve not trained for strength in 3 years so expected to be weak. I got 340 on bench press, 550 on a Safety Bar Squat, and deadlifted 495 super easy but missed 585 at knee level so probably good for 570 in my experience. Gonna restart diet, training, and cardio again in earnest tomorrow.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #157 on: February 24, 2019, 08:45:16 PM »
Just watched this. Reality but ouch.

https://youtu.be/urDjDUnLHoc

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #158 on: February 25, 2019, 07:58:16 AM »
No PMO for 2 days
No sex with wife for 28 days
No cheating on diet for 0 days

We have our first counseling session today, hopefully that will go smoothly.

I’m pretty bummed still about no sex but I’m also aware of why it’s happening and trying to see it as an opportunity to heal my PIED. ED has been a far bigger marriage issue than my wife has ever admitted to I have a feeling, if not the primary issue.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #159 on: February 27, 2019, 08:39:22 AM »
I’m trying to get on track with my training. I maxed out on a few lifts this week to see what my strength was like. I’ve not trained for strength in 3 years so expected to be weak. I got 340 on bench press, 550 on a Safety Bar Squat, and deadlifted 495 super easy but missed 585 at knee level so probably good for 570 in my experience. Gonna restart diet, training, and cardio again in earnest tomorrow.
Great numbers! Especially admiring of your 550 squat. I hope you're packing a whole bag full of relapse prevention juice (if only that existed) for The Arnold. That would be a very challenging environment for me to be in. Wishing you the strength of mind to get through that without too much pain.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #160 on: March 05, 2019, 11:03:51 AM »
I just got back home from the Arnold Classic yesterday evening. It was a ton fun. We had seats on the 4th row which was the same row as the judges so I could evaluate physiques pretty good.

workinprogressUK, in regards to your DM Curry was very impressive but I actually had Bonac winning it. His lower body was just more impressive with better muscle separation. I was extremely impressed with Luke Sandoe as he was huge, dry, and shredded. The argument could be made for him placing second.

In regards to porn and masturbation I wasn’t perfect but could have been worse. What did me in wasn’t seeing all the girls on stage and at the booths. I honestly wasn’t triggered by that at all. What got me was perusing (but not ordering) the PPV porn in my hotel and getting on Instagram to see pics from the Arnold.

In some really good news my wife was texting and calling a lot and seemed like she missed me. I got home last night and after spending some time with the boys and getting them to sleep she was all over me. So the 35 day dry spell is over. Things are much better at this point.

I’m back at work and will post more later but I had an awesome time and it inspired me to get back at it and come back next year bigger and leaner.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #161 on: March 07, 2019, 09:19:35 AM »
2 days No PMO (48 hours this afternoon).

The good news is things seem to be slowly improving with my wife and we had sex on Monday and this morning she indicated interest for tonight.

The bad news is I’m struggling with porn again. I PMO’d Sunday night and Tuesday afternoon. I don’t think the Arnold Classic triggered me. I didn’t feel triggered by hot women in person but hot women on a screen seems to do it every time.

I’ve really fallen off the diet and exercise wagon since the talk of separation. I’ve put on weight, I’m bloated, and clothes are starting to get tight.

There are a lot of things I need to get back on track with.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #162 on: March 09, 2019, 12:25:48 AM »
3 days no PMO

Sex with the wife didn’t happen last night but it did tonight. She texted me today that she hoped her mom could take the boys tonight because she really missed me. Her mom didn’t take the boys but we still had a good evening together. On my way home from work she texted me that she was at Walmart so I just stopped there because I needed to buy some food anyway and we did our shopping together. I think she enjoyed the time together even if it was something mundane. Sex was good and I was super turned on and came a lot faster than normal. My wife actually thinks that is hot from time to time because it makes her feel attractive like I can’t control myself. She was very loving afterwards.

I’ve got to get back on track with my diet an exercise. I’ve been off for about 6 weeks and have gained a lot of fat. I’m going to try Stan Efferding’s Vertical Diet which puts a heavy emphasis on red meat and white rice. My total cholesterol is actually quite low at 127. Low cholesterol has been associated with dementia, anxiety, and depression. The last two I’ve had some recent issues with. My first goal is to push my calories as high as I can and figure out where my maintenance calories actually are. I’ll write about it. My biggest goal is to sort out my gastrointestinal problems of indigestion, reflux, bloating, etc which this diet is supposed to help.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #163 on: March 09, 2019, 03:41:23 PM »
4 days no PMO

I’m actually feeling pretty tempted right now. Things are starting to improve in my marriage and I feel like maybe I’m relaxing a bit. I’m trying to occupy my time with things like prayer, meditation, reading, listening to music, etc.

Don’t really ha e a whole lot of commentary or things to report but it helps me to get on here each day and journal.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #164 on: March 12, 2019, 01:03:58 PM »
I’ve been really struggling with porn lately. Now that things are getting better with my wife and we are having sex again I think I’m relaxing. I had a meeting today with my therapist and this was the big issue he honed in on and that if I stop it everything else in my life will improve.

I looked at some this morning before going in to see my counselor. So although it was a little before then let’s say my last porn exposure was 3/12/19 at 1100 central time.

I’m looking for ways to get my phone locked down. I’ve got an iPhone and it has screen time which blocks porn sites but it requires a password and if I know the password I can just enter it when I get the urge. I also don’t want my wife to be the one to enter and remember the password either because right now I don’t want her to know I’m still struggling. Maybe my brother or a friend can do it.

discobolus

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My therapist said my assignment for next time is present a plan for how I’m going to deal with porn and keep it out of my life. So far I’ve turned on a content blocker on my phone and an image blocker. Right now I can turn them off at any time but will get a buddy to control the password soon.

BigMog

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Hi discobolus, Sounds like a good idea to get a buddy you can trust to be the password keeper. I agree with not using your wife for that. I asked my wife a few years ago and it only caused distress for both of us, though of course I understand it may work for some couples. I think it’s great that you’re taking the positive step of getting professional help. Good luck.

discobolus

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1 day No PMO

It’s been two days since my meeting with my therapist and zero porn since then. I guess it’s actually been 2 days no porn but my official count will be full calendar days.

I activated the Screen Time adult content blocker on my phone. I used some random number sequence I found and then put the number away. I’ll get a friend to change and keep the password soon. I’ve been trying to see what I can access. It looks like I could probably find porn on twitter so I’ll probably add that to the list of blocked sites. Any tips on this would be welcome.

Had sex again last night. So it’s been 4 times in 10 days since the 35 day dry spell. March 14th has been designated by some men as Steak and Blowjob day. It’s supposed to be the male version of Valentine’s Day exactly one month later. My wife is aware of it and even put it on our shared calendar last year as a repeating event. I’m grilling ribeyes tonight and we’ll see how the rest goes.

discobolus

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Steaks were great. No blowjobs were even mentioned.

workinprogressUK

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I activated the Screen Time adult content blocker on my phone. I used some random number sequence I found and then put the number away. I’ll get a friend to change and keep the password soon. I’ve been trying to see what I can access. It looks like I could probably find porn on twitter so I’ll probably add that to the list of blocked sites.
Great idea. Even better if you have a real-world friend you can share a bit of this with... help keep you straight. I've found that massively valuable.

discobolus

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2 days no PMO

I’ve got to admit I’m feeling a little mad and resentful about no blowjob on steak and blowjob day.

The truth is I handled it all wrong from the get go. Grilling steaks was both a passive way of reminding my wife that it was steak and blowjob day and also a covert contract where I thought if I cooked a great dinner I’d get a blowjob in return.

I was really looking forward to it all day even though it was never promised. Oh well. I didn’t say anything about this to my wife and I haven’t been that grumpy, but definitely a little down acting.

My wife is meeting her best friend from college up in Branson for the next 4 nights. She’s a divorced single parent of 2 twin girls aged 8. Next week is Spring Break so the kids will all be out of school. I have to be at work Monday morning but will go up for 2 nights. So there may be some action tonight or tomorrow (it’s a 2 bedroom condo so we could potentially have some privacy) but if not nothing until Tuesday night at the earliest.

discobolus

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3 days no PMO

I had a good time with the family in Branson today. My wife was actually flirty all day and made mention of the fact that the boys could go on the sleeper sofa and we would have some privacy. When we finally got to the hotel she was letting the 2 year old sleep in the bed and was ready to go to sleep. I’m now up at 2:30 AM taking a bath because I can’t sleep partly due to frustration but also I’m literally butthurt because I was constipated and pushing it out flared up some hemorrhoids. Not to mention the hotel is hot, bed is way too soft, and the 2 year old is a bed hog.

My wife’s friend volunteered to babysit the boys this evening so we could go on a date. So that is good.

discobolus

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4 days no PMO

On the positive side I got to spend quite a bit of time with my wife alone last night. We went and put our name in for a table at Joe’s Crab Shack and then went to an arcade next door. We played games and did a 3-D ride/shooting game which was fun. It took about an hour and a half to get a seat and then we ate. Then went to pick up some stuff at Walmart and back to the hotel. I enjoyed the date but I’m getting thoroughly frustrated with the logistics of sex not working out and the boy’s inability to sleep through the night.

I’m going back home this afternoon so I can work tomorrow and my wife is coming back Tuesday evening so no sex until at least then.

I guess I’m most frustrated about feeling like such a low priority for her.

cranm329

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Hi Discobolus. A thought...could it be that it's not you that's low priority but 'sex as we know it' ?
Hang in there. Hope Tuesday is good for you.

discobolus

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Good news today.

I was about to leave the hotel at Branson to head home. My wife’s friend had taken all the kids so my wife could take a nap. I suggested a quickie and we did before I left.

This is great in 3 ways
1. I had sex
2. I took a chance initiating in a situation where I expected to get shot down, I rarely do that.
3. I had no ED problems despite having no viagra or cialis in my system. In theory at least. Viagra has a half life of 4 hours and I had taken some about 16 hours earlier.