Author Topic: Discobolus versus Pornography (1 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME  (Read 5474 times)

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #125 on: February 07, 2019, 10:47:04 PM »
20 days no porn, 10 days no orgasm

Today was a rough day. Anxiety has been starting to kick in big time. What this is teaching me is that I’ve been medicating anxiety with porn and sex for a long time. Now that I’m not having sex or looking at porn it’s become obvious. Porn isn’t about libido and sex probably isn’t always about libido or love although it is a lot I think. I’ve got to learn to be happy internally and not rely so much on my wife for my validation. It makes me appear needy. That is the real kicker, it’s gonna be hard but I’m gonna figure it out.

What I’ve started doing just this evening is ask myself why I’m doing something. I’m I saying “I love you to relieve my anxiety” or because I really unconditionally love her? Despite one of our big issues being a huge power differential I’ve been over the top gung ho about fixing the problem. I’m telling my wife we need to do this, this, and this and we will solve the problem. Honestly what I’m saying is probably correct but she just perceives it as me being controlling, trying to fix her problems because  needy and anxious, etc.

So I’ve been asking myself when I’ve got a compulsion to do something to relieve anxiety if I should actually do the opposite. It’s gonna be hard but long term I think it will help.

I think it was a mistake to give up on my bodybuilding dreams. My wife just perceives it as putting her up on a pedestal and forsaking my goals and dreams for her. That lowers her attraction and makes me look needy. So tomorrow morning I’m lifting and back on my diet plan.

Still working on getting marriage counseling set up. We are looking for someone who does Emotional Based Therapy and we keep running into scheduling issues with the recommended therapists. I’m down to the last two on the list and one of them is a girl I went to high school with. I probably didn’t even talk to her in high school so it shouldn’t be too weird if we go with her.

My I’ve said she is looking forward to getting started. I hope that means she wants to work on things and not that she wants to hurry up and go through the motions so we can get a divorce.

Pcpowder

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #126 on: February 08, 2019, 05:30:48 PM »
ugg, my heart goes out to you man!  I'm glad to hear you are going back to body building as it sounds like that has been a passion of yours for along time and you need that in your life, especially right now! 


discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #127 on: February 08, 2019, 11:30:04 PM »
21 days no porn, 11 days no orgasm

Today was a good day but tonight has been a rough evening. I had a super busy day at work today with a total of 18 patients in the hospital. A little before noon my wife texted me asking if I wanted to go eat lunch. I said I did of course. I was super anxious because I had no idea what I was walking into would it be a nice pleasant conversation or would she be handing me divorce papers?  It ended up being a nice pleasant lunch without any talk of our problems. I actually had her laughing pretty good at one point. There was no physical touch or talk of love but it was pleasant. She later texted me that she enjoyed seeing me. I came home after work and played with the boys while my wife took a bath and then they laid down to sleep. We said our prayers and I told my wife I loved her and she said she loved me.

Today there was zero talk about plans and fixing our problems which I think is actually a good thing.

I’m very confident that things will improve but the waiting is super hard. I miss my wife a lot. I miss the affection and love.

Oh well, I’ve got to keep trudging along. I’m trying to see that as a golden opportunity to go hard mode for a while and fix my PIED and also a chance to fix the boy’s sleeping problems. Fix those two things and our relationship is a lot better. Not much in the way of morning wood yet.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #128 on: February 09, 2019, 03:21:04 PM »
I’ve had a rough day today. I got some exposure to some very mild nudity but I wasn’t seeking it out. I was looking for cartoon images of female lawyers for a gift I wanted to have made for my wife. In England they call female attorneys madam barrister and they wear wigs. She’s always joked about how I should call her that. I found a cartoon of a female lawyer in a white wig added “madam barrister” to the image and had it put on a mug. While looking for that image though I came across some images of a former Playboy model turned lawyer. She was wearing her lawyer clothing but obvious huge fake breasts. I scrolled down and there were some of her old Playboy pics on the page.

I’ve been struggling with the urge to masturbate just to ease my anxiety or to see how my ED was doing. I’m actually not that horny, maybe a bit of a flatline. I gave in today and did it. It didn’t help my anxiety and probably made it worse and my ED is still pretty bad.

I’m going to say my porn free streak is intact because I barely saw anything and I wasn’t seeking it out but I need to be more careful.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #129 on: February 09, 2019, 08:23:03 PM »
My wife texted me asking if I could stay at home tonight because she was really sick. It sounds like she has the flu. It’s going around and I had 5 people in the hospital today with the flu. Of course I said I would and I also wrote her a prescription for Tamiflu and filled it at the pharmacy before I came home. So being a doctor is allowing me to help her out in ways another guy wouldn’t be able too. One of her big complaints about me was I didn’t take her seriously enough when she was sick or really tired. So I’m getting opportunities to prove I’ve changed. She’s sleeping and I’m watching the boys and cleaning up. It’s a slow process but I think she will come around and see that I really do love her and I’ll be different this time.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #130 on: February 10, 2019, 09:52:36 AM »
22 days no porn (except for an accidental brief glimpse of some Playboy nudity)
0 days hard mode

I actually had some semisolid morning wood this morning so that is good.

I stayed at the house last night. My wife was actually going to sleep in bed with me but the little one kept waking up.

One of her biggest complaints was I didn’t take her seriously when she was sick or tired. So right now I’m getting opportunities to show change.

I saw a video last night on Facebook about how do you show your wife love? It was a talk show clip so I don’t know the context but I think it was likely in the context of a marriage reconciliation and the wife falling in love with the husband again. The host said what makes a person love you isn’t a few grand gestures it’s a consistent pattern of little things over time. It really struck me that I need to keep that in mind when I feel things aren’t changing fast enough.

The truth is things are changing. My wife seems to be wearing her wedding band and engagement ring again, she asked me to have lunch with her, she asked me to come home last night to help her out. These are small things and we are barely touching hands and some hugging but it’s moving in the right direction.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #131 on: February 10, 2019, 11:09:15 AM »
In line with the theme of me being a selfish jackass I’ve always treated birth control like it was her problem. We absolutely love our 2 kids but we don’t want any more. My wife especially with her getting back established in her career. We’ve been doing the rhythm method lately but last month in a moment of stupidity I came inside her way too close to ovulation. This led to a pretty scary couple of weeks leading up to her period. She even had some early light spotting which freaked us out about it being in plantation bleeding. She didn’t get pregnant but if she had I don’t know what the implications would have been but it would have been bad.

So she has brought up me getting a vasectomy in the past but I’ve always been hesitant. Maybe that fear of being alone kicking in but I worried about what I would do if my wife and kids all died in a accident and I wanted to get remarried and have more.

I’m thinking pregnancy is a big sex issue with us. She doesn’t want to go on the pill. In fact she said she was stopping it as she anticipates not having sex for a while.

I’m really considering going ahead and getting the vasectomy.

I know there are a few guys who read this and don’t comment but I’d like some input on this one.

Pcpowder

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #132 on: February 10, 2019, 01:21:14 PM »
I highly recommend getting a Vasectomy for sure, it has been one of the best decisions I ever made. 

The chances of a tragedy like you described are slim and even if it happened tomorrow would you really want to start a new family at this stage of your life?   By the time you grieved, found a new relationship would you want babies in your mid to late 40's?

this might come across as cold, but I have always been anti-kid for myself.  I actually went in for a vasectomy at 23 and started the vasectomy counseling they required at the time for guys under 30 without kids.  All my friends talked me out of having it at the time, saying I would change my mind and want kids...that never happened. 

I always had great anxiety about getting a girl pregnant and being trapped in a bad relationship because of it.  When I first started having ED problems I even thought that the fear of getting a girl pregnant was a contributing factor.  Both sides of my family have a long history of the doctor telling them they are in love.  Both sets of grandparents, my parents, and my sister all got pregnant before marriage and the marriages were all a disaster.   I was determined not to repeat the family history.  After my vasectomy, I definitely enjoyed sex more without having all the anxiety of "what if" she got pregnant. 

I finally had my vasectomy about 8 years ago, 2 years after I started to date my wife and she didn't want kids either, I was in my mid 30's and decided it was time and that I would not be changing my mind about having kids.  My wife loves it, no worry, no pills and no hormonal ups and downs related to taking birth control. 

I was petrified of the procedure, but it was no big deal.  I was laid out on the table with my pants down, heart pounding when the doctor told me it was about to be the worst part of the procedure and asked what I thought that was going to be.  I said "when you cut open by ball sack," he said "no, when I grab your dick and tape it to your stomach" and he did exactly that.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #133 on: February 10, 2019, 02:05:35 PM »
Pcpowder,

First of all I’m going to make a wild guess that you live in Park City, Utah. If so I want to say I went there last summer and it’s beautiful. We stayed there for a few days and then went to the Wind River mountains in Wyoming where I lived for a couple of years as a kid. I literally lived across the street from the border of the Wind River reservation.

Only downside of that vacation was swimming in the Great Salt Lake, not recommended.

I guess my other concern is that what if a vasectomy causes ED because I’ve heard some guys who thinks it has. I’ve also heard some who thought it lowered testosterone levels which shouldn’t be a personal problem since I’m on testosterone shots.

I’m also a little worried how my wife will view all these rapid fire, everything at once changes. In my heart of hearts I know we are going to reconcile and fix our issues but I’m not sure she is there yet. So I think she is worried I’ll be resentful I did it if things don’t work out.

This relationship shit is like playing 3 dimensional chess.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #134 on: February 10, 2019, 02:07:29 PM »
Maybe I should just tell her if we get divorced I’m gonna be a man whore and need it anyway.

Pcpowder

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #135 on: February 10, 2019, 02:51:12 PM »
HA! divorcing and being a man whore has crossed my mind more than once.  But you know that would make things worse.  As they say, the chief cause of failure is trading what you want most, for what you want at the moment. 

Good guess, yes I live in Park City.  I'm glad you had a good vacation here with the exception of the swim in the GSL.  I'm a big boater and I've lived here my entire life and have never touched the water in the GSL. 

The wind rivers are gorgeous!  What a great place to live as a kid!

When I read your post I did think the same thing that your wife might take it as too much all at once.  It might be something you do months down the road after you have your relationship heading in the right direction.  Is it something you can discuss with her and get on the same page? Do you think you would get an honest answer?

I had the same concerns about the risks of a vasectomy and did a lot of research prior to the procedure.  For me, at the end of the day, the small amount of risk was well worth the relief of knowing we couldn't be pregnant.  Even though I had the procedure after I started dating my wife, we did break up for about a year and I was a bit of a man-whore during that time.  The thought of if I hadn't had a vasectomy and got one of those escapades prego is horrifying. 


discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #136 on: February 10, 2019, 03:47:55 PM »
pcpowder,

I lived for a couple of years as a kid in Hudson, Wyoming which is between Lander and Riverton. The movie Wind River was filmed in Park City, so I took my family to the filming location and the actual location last summer. I live in the mountains now, just a lot shorter and lot further south.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #137 on: February 11, 2019, 09:30:12 AM »
23 days no porn, 1 day hard mode

Things seem to be improving slowly. My wife has been sick the last couple of days so I’ve stayed with her at night. She seems to be slowly warming back up to me. She called me honey this morning. She’s been wearing her wedding band again. She’s been initiating hugs and holding me a lot longer than before. Even if she wanted to we are probably quite a few days away from the possibility of sex because she is sick.

I’m generally optimistic and things are going in the right direction.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #138 on: February 11, 2019, 11:23:18 AM »
My wife told me this morning she’s not going anywhere if I’m not planning on leaving. She said we need to work on things but let’s take divorce off the table.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #139 on: February 11, 2019, 11:29:26 AM »
Sounds like really encouraging progress. congrats.

BeerMan

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #140 on: February 11, 2019, 11:50:25 AM »
Good deal man.   For better or for worse.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #141 on: February 11, 2019, 09:38:23 PM »
24 days no porn, 2 days hard mode

She is warming up to me and things are improving. I think it’s hard for me to accept that she isn’t quite ready to resume a physical relationship beyond hugging at this point. I tried to kiss her and she said “we just aren’t there in our courtship yet”. She did kiss me but I bet she felt compelled to so I probably messed up. She’s going to sleep tonight at the rented house so she can get some sleep. I’ll deal with the boys and work on their sleep habits.

Even though I think hard mode is needed right now it would sure be difficult to turn down any sort of sexual activity if offered.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #142 on: February 12, 2019, 10:53:41 AM »
I’m struggling right now.

I masturbated last night and then this morning I watched a POV video of my wife giving me a BJ I found on my phone. I guess it’s better than watching video of someone else but it’s still really just porn.

If I’m going to completely fix this PIED I am going to have to go reall hard mode. No porn, no titillating pictures, no porn substitutes, no masturbation, no fantasy, no social media for a while.

So as of 9:48 AM (central time) today I’m resetting the clock and gonna go for it.

Porn is really at the root of all my sexual and relationship problems. If I just fix that and the underlying issues that cause it everything in my life will go smoother.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #143 on: February 12, 2019, 12:42:57 PM »
It's just a little setback but you're right... that POV vid is P and you did M to O. It's just a slip though. Reset, refocus and get back after what really matters to you. Good luck!

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #144 on: February 12, 2019, 12:58:52 PM »
It feels like once the heat is off or at least things feel less tenuous I start having cravings and I end up screwing everything up again.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #145 on: February 12, 2019, 01:26:31 PM »
Good news is I got our first marriage counseling session scheduled and we were able to get the second choice and not the third choice who was someone I went to high school with.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #146 on: February 12, 2019, 10:48:19 PM »
Still feeling pretty rough. I guess if I’m being honest with myself I have to admit I looked at porn today. Sure it was my own wife but still getting off to a screen. I masturbated but stopped short of orgasm which I didn’t do yesterday.

I guess the good news is since November 2 I’ve looked at very minimal porn and masturbation has been greatly reduced. Still I feel very anxious about my erections and my penis feels dead a lot. I know it works but it’s time for some extended hard mode.

I don’t know what’s going on in my wife’s head. She says she loves me but right now she doesn’t have much in the way of romantic feelings for me. I think she is just exhausted from two boys. I can’t see how she would pass any screening for clinical depression as well. She will say things like I look really hot though still so I think there is physical attraction still present.

This all sucks really bad but I’m seeing this time period as a chance to do some things maybe I wouldn’t do if everything was status quo with adoring wife and sex every other night.

1. Fix the boys sleep patterns and fix her sleep debt.
2. Go hard mode and fix my PIED.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #147 on: February 13, 2019, 04:39:40 AM »
I’m up at 3:30 in the morning because daddy sleep camp has commenced. My wife can’t be involved with the boy’s sleep or she will give in and sleep with them. She has no personal boundaries and that is part of our relationship problem. Plus she is so damn worn out that she has no energy to give to the relationship.

So tonight we started something new. She said goodnight and we said our prayers and then daddy took over. Normally she would snuggle them to sleep but not anymore. The oldest went to bed pretty easily but did wake up after peeing his bed (which is why I’m up now). The youngest I got in his little toddler bed and sang him to sleep. Whenever he wakes up we repeat the process. Tonight I touched him when I got him back to sleep. The next step will be to just sit very near him but no touch and then slowly move my physical presence further away from his bed. When I woke up and came to the door crying I told him to get in his bed and he did which is huge. I’m pleasantly surprised with the progress we’ve made in one night.

workinprogressUK

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #148 on: February 13, 2019, 05:17:04 AM »
You're made of steel, my man! Next stop..... global peace, re-plant the rainforest and make Cleveland the sports capital of America. Congrats on having so much focus and strength. Try not to stretch yourself too far.... you need to nurture yourself as well as everybody around you. Inspirational stuff, though.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #149 on: February 13, 2019, 10:11:50 PM »
About 36 hours since any porn and that was a video of me and my wife

2 days no orgasm, 16 days no sex

We are on night 2 of daddy sleep camp. I’m at home with the boys while the wife sleeps at Casa de Separation. I honestly think sleep deprivation has been the biggest driver of marital problems. For both of us really. I don’t sleep good due to the hospital calling and just not enough time in bed. My wife suffers from sleeping with the boys.

Things are improving slowly. I lifted and did cardio today. I ate all but my evening meal on plan but ate tacos because I wanted to join in with the family.

I have my second individual counseling session tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that. While I’m there in a bigger city I’m gonna get a haircut and a beard trim and maybe shop for some new clothes.

If you’ve never seen his stuff I’d highly recommend you look into Athol Kay. He has a blog called the Married Man’s Sex Life and wrote a few books. He has a Vimeo video series called The Married Man’s Guide to Wife. I started watching it again from the beginning and he talks about the 3 things you absolutely have to stop doing if you want more sex. They were 1. stop complaining about lack of sex, 2. Stop doing things for your wife in the hope it will lead to sex (covert contracts), 3. Get in shape.

Since talk of separation and divorce started I’ve been complaining more, doing more for my wife in hopes it will make her happy and she won’t leave, and stopped my diet and training.  So basically I’ve made things worse.

Today I’m getting back on track to be a strong attractive man and not some needy groveler.

I did pretty good today by lifting and sticking to my diet plan for the most part

I didn’t talk much about how much I loved her and needed her like I had been. Maybe a little bit more than I should have before she left tonight but overall a big cut back.