Author Topic: Discobolus versus Pornography (1 down a lifetime to go) COMMENTARY WELCOME  (Read 6015 times)

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2018, 08:59:37 PM »
13 days no porn and 18 days no cheating on my diet.

Not really that much to report, not a lot of temptation today for either food or porn.

I’m starting to feel a little more horny. I know my wife is as well. I’m just a little anxious about things not working. Going to try to just stay in the moment and not worry.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #26 on: November 16, 2018, 07:48:56 AM »
So yesterday my wife was out of town most of the day going to the orthodontist and visiting her dad. We live in a small town and it’s about 2 hours to any town with services or shopping, and yes, my wife got braces in her late 30s. I got off work and came home and took a nap and then ate dinner. She’s been texting me flirtatiously all day so I figured it was on for the night. She said she hoped the boys fell asleep on the drive home so we could just put them in bed. Well they got home and the boys were wide awake. We were up for a few more hours and they were both finally asleep so I was expecting her to join me in our bedroom. Keep in mind she was being really flirty when she got home as well.  At that point all the talk turned to how tired she was and how late it was getting. Then it was “I bet you are tired and will be getting up early to lift tomorrow”. I reluctantly said “OK, good night I’ll see you tomorrow”. I had a super hard time falling asleep and was super hungry. I was very tempted to demolish some junk food but remembered my goal of doing a bodybuilding contest, remembered how sexy my wife said my discipline was so I just ate some lean steak (my diet coach said that was permitted if I was just ravenous) and went to bed. I’m not super flexible and I hate changes in plans. Personality tests show my wife is super flexible and I’m not. It feels like flakiness to me and makes me mad.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #27 on: November 16, 2018, 11:34:33 PM »
14 days no porn and 19 days no cheating on my diet.

My wife said she was horny and we made out but very minimal to no response. Got interrupted with crying toddlers. I wanted to cum and I did with a Blowjob but never got that hard. I got her off with the Magic Wand.

I’m thoroughly frustrated. I haven’t looked at porn in two weeks and it hasn’t even been that hard. I’m worse of now than before I started. At least then I could get hard and stay that way for a while. I’m not sure if it’s stopping the Cialis/Viagra or it’s just severe anxiety because now that’s all I can think about when we are kissing in the bed. I kiss her in the kitchen and boom I’ve got a semi. Kiss her in the bedroom and I’m a limp noodle.

The agreement we came to is that I need to go hard mode for at least 6 weeks. We can make out and and I can use other methods to get her off but then we stop. Probably be good for everyone as she can have her O and get some sleep. Maybe now is the time in our lives to be a little less sexual for a while. I’m nervous and apprehensive. I want to have a good sex life, maybe every other night on average where I have no performance issues and we can get a little freaky if we want to. Maybe I just have to go through this to get there.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2018, 10:41:42 PM »
15 days no porn, 1 day no orgasm, 20 days no cheating on my diet.

This is scary to me but I think I’m gonna go hard mode for now.

I sent my wife a link to Your Brain On Porn as well as a link to an article there with tips for girlfriends and spouses. I mention there was a book entitled Your Brain On Porn and it was on Audible as she listens to a lot of audio books.

She’s very loving toward me in our interactions, we still kiss a lot, and she told me she missed me today. I’ve got a great woman but right now I feel like a terrible man, husband, father, and lover.

I’ve realized that this modern world is geared toward constant dopamine hits with internet, social media, smart phones, constantly checking email, television, etc.

I’m making a conscious effort to cut back on my screen time, even eliminating social media for now,and trying to keep television to a bare minimum. I still want to watch movies with my four year old.  I’m also going to cut my caffeine intake to a minimum. I’m not a coffee drinker but I take a preworkout with stimulants as well as a Fat Burner supplement, and lots of Diet Mountain Dew.

I’m going to try to spend more time in a relaxed state and being present. Listening to more peaceful music, meditating, petting my dog, playing with my boys, getting more sleep, etc.

These are all things I need to do anyway but I think they will speed up my recovery.

Gracie

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #29 on: November 18, 2018, 09:19:52 AM »
Sounds like you are doing well!  Go to this site below.  It has a lot of information for both husband and wife. 

http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #30 on: November 18, 2018, 11:49:09 AM »
Had some morning wood this morning so that is good. I realized a 90 day reboot would end on Velentine’s Day (evening of 11/16 to evening of 2/14). So that seems appropriate. Hard mode for 90 days and end with a Valentine’s Day date. Not sure if I can make it 90 days. My brother went a full year without PMO before he got married. It actually ended with an incident in a tanning bed. He thought he’d get erect so the whole thing would tan but he was so sensitive at that point he came all over the tanning bed. Unfortunately, that year was preparing him for a sex starved marriage.

bob

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #31 on: November 18, 2018, 02:24:29 PM »
I’ve got a great woman but right now I feel like a terrible man, husband, father, and lover.

I think dwelling on shame and self loathing is fuel to the porn fire. We need to think of ourselves in a positive light and try to move forward. "I am a positive and caring individual who loves there wife and is succeeding in a life without porn.

Easier said that done but necessary for a smooth recovery.

Peace

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #32 on: November 18, 2018, 10:27:30 PM »
16 days no porn, 2 days no orgasm, 21 days no cheating on my diet

Not having a lot of problems with temptation right now. I’ve been reading some other journals and really seeing the gravity of it all. On one hand I realize I’m at risk of losing my family if I keep doing this but also realize how insidious this is and you can have a slip up at any time.

I’m feeling a little life returning to my penis which is good. I was probably drastically overdoing the ED meds. I’d take a 20 mg Cialis 5 days a week before a workout. This improves blood flow so it will give you killer pumps when lifting. This is a pretty common use among bodybuilders. Then I was also taking a 100 mg Viagra about every other night when I anticipated the wife and I would have sex. My point was it wasn’t uncommon to have morning wood and wood when I was peeing when I was taking all that but now it’s starting to feel like that again and I haven’t taken an ED med in 2 weeks.

The wife is still indicating she’s horny and has ideas for things for me to try on her. I told her if I’m doing the hard mode thing for a while she should just think of it like the 6 weeks after having a baby just in reverse. When she was post partum I still got regular blowjobs and hand jobs. So now we just reverse the roles. She laughed and said “yeah, now it’s my turn”.

I report to my diet coach on Mondays and he tweaks my diet. I’ve really been hoping for a cheat meal because I’m hungry all the time now. Even my cheat meals are prescribed and weighed out, it’s not anything goes. It usually just means things like extra rice, some fruit, and a quest bar. Unfortunately it’s not pizza and ice cream. If I’m gonna do this bodybuilding contest next year there is no room for cheating.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #33 on: November 19, 2018, 11:24:29 PM »
17 days no porn, 3 days no orgasm, 22 days no cheating on my diet.

I lost 2.6 pounds from last week, down 20.6 in the last 3 weeks. My diet coach gave me a refeed day on Wednesday and added a 7th meal to deal with evening hunger.

Not really much in the way of temptation. Oh there is definitely some but not bad.

Made out with the wife tonight. I kept my underwear on but not much stirring down there, although I really was quite turned on. She had a strong orgasm and then went to bed. She’s really concerned about me getting hot and bothered but I just said “let’s just do the plan and not talk about it much”. When it comes to relationship stuff I probably over discuss things so she liked the new attitude.

In other news our life might be changing some with my wife going back to work. She is an attorney and was a prosecutor when we met. A part time prosecutor job is opening up in our county and the job is probably hers if she wants it. The deputy prosecutor will be retiring soon so if she takes this she will probably move into that position in the next year. The elected prosecutor wants to run for judge in 2020 so this would probably be a move into running for elected prosecutor in a couple of years which she would probably win.


discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #34 on: November 20, 2018, 10:39:35 PM »
18 days no porn, 4 days no orgasm, 23 days not cheating on my diet.

I had a pretty good day today. Temptation is there but it’s not particularly bad.

I had a long conversation with my brother today. He called me about something I can’t even remember but I asked him about his experience in the past with going almost a year with no porn, masturbation, or orgasm. He said that unfortunately he could tell me about a more recent experience. He’s been going through a very rough spot in his marriage and both were threatening to leave. I know they’ve had problems in the past but it was always his wife threatening to leave. This is the first for him. Our dad is a pastor and we were raised in a very religious home so divorce is very much frowned upon. He’s struggled with porn over the years but this time he was secretly spending money they didn’t have on his hobby of baseball card collecting. It’s been something he has been into since he was a kid and he has spent large amounts of money on over the years. It’s almost like gambling to him because there is always a chance of getting a valuable card. At one point he had over 1 million cards but eventually he realized he had a problem and he sold his entire collection. He realized it was an addiction and decided to stop. So I guess he’s been secretly spending money on it recently and running up big credit card debt and getting them into a bad financial situation.

The thing is I understand why he has these addictions because he has a pretty joyless life outside of his kids who he really pours him self into. He works as a supervisor at a factory and works 80 hours a week on the night shift. He makes good money but he’s never home and doesn’t get much sleep.

His wife is a nag and I wonder if she’s ever really been in love with him. Like I said we are a super religious family and he never had sex until after marriage. His wife is from our same church group but apparently was a lot more wild in high school and brought a lot of sexual baggage into the marriage. He felt like he got bamboozled in a sense because he went into marriage with this promise of all this sex which never panned out.

I really hurt for the guy because my wife and I certainly brought our share of sexual baggage into marriage but I’ve always felt like she was crazy about me and wanted to have sex with me other than a few isolated periods in our marriage that we worked through. Oh there are times when my anxiety kicks in and I start thinking she only married me for comfort and she was wild with other guys but not me, but the evidence of the amount and types of sex we’ve had over the years doesn’t really pan that out. Now she’s down for pretty much anything that doesn’t involve other people but the ability to achieve a super strong erection is the limiting factor.

My point is I wish my brother could experience the same type of marriage satisfaction I have. Sometimes I get judgemental of my wife but the truth is she has given me so much joy over the years. I also know that my attitude toward her will continue to improve the longer I’m free of porn.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #35 on: November 21, 2018, 11:22:28 AM »

but I’ve always felt like she was crazy about me and wanted to have sex with me other than a few isolated periods in our marriage that we worked through.

This is such an amazing gift to contemplate on Thanksgiving.  I've always had these same feelings like my wife sort of settled for me and tolerated sex at best.  It is lonely and shatters one's self-esteem.

Love yourself as you work through these problems.  Sometimes our bodies have minds of their own.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #36 on: November 21, 2018, 12:55:34 PM »

but I’ve always felt like she was crazy about me and wanted to have sex with me other than a few isolated periods in our marriage that we worked through.

This is such an amazing gift to contemplate on Thanksgiving.  I've always had these same feelings like my wife sort of settled for me and tolerated sex at best.  It is lonely and shatters one's self-esteem.

Love yourself as you work through these problems.  Sometimes our bodies have minds of their own.

Yes, it’s something I’m thankful for. Sometimes I get reading the more toxic stuff in the manosphere about alpha fucks and beta bucks and I start seeing this pattern in her past that might be in my imagination more than anything. Yeah, she dated a few bad boys but also a lot of nice guys as well. One in particular was a drug addict and abusive and got her into a bad lifestyle for a few months. I’m sure it was exciting for a while. The thing is she often tells me I’m a her big strong alpha male and that I’m not a nice guy. People that know me well know I’m caring but I’ve got a little bit of a reputation as an asshole. My patients love me for the most part but a lot of other doctors can’t stand me. So maybe this whole construct of me being the beta male she married for comfort is almost all in my head and not based in reality. Unfortunately for my brother I think it’s true. I would hate for him to go through a divorce but my wife has a best friend who although big is super nice and apparently a horn dog. My wife is always looking to set her up with someone and I bet my brother would like her. This is probably all just stupid fantasy because I don’t want him to get divorced but I’d sure like for him to get laid all the time.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #37 on: November 21, 2018, 09:59:16 PM »
19 days no porn, 5 days no orgasm, 24 days no cheating on my diet.

My diet coach gave me a refeed day today so got to eat some extra food. No pizza and ice cream but a lot of extra carbs so I enjoyed that.

Made out with the wife again and gave her a good orgasm. She has always been very hesitant to accept oral because it makes her feel self conscious but lately we’ve been pushing boundaries a little and she’s really enjoying it, even moving a little further south. No real erections but I could feel some stirring in the loins. So this is day 5 of hard mode and I think I’m doing OK.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #38 on: November 22, 2018, 10:56:22 PM »
20 days no porn, 6 days no orgasm, 25 days no cheating on my diet

Woke up with some morning wood today and a lot of stirring when I’d kiss my wife. Damn, I’m starting to get really horny. I know I could pop a viagra and be good to go but I want to fix this without drugs. I don’t have much in the way of porn temptation but I really want to cum. This hard mode is well hard.

Stuck with my diet today. Had a Thanksgiving dinner at my mother in law’s house. I just brought my Tupperware with my chicken, rice, and veggies and ate that. Tomorrow we are going to my parents for another Thanksgiving dinner. They are several hours away and we will spend the night. I’m packing all my food. My wife keeps commenting about how my discipline is hot, so I can’t mess up now.

bob

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #39 on: November 23, 2018, 09:58:22 PM »
My wife keeps commenting about how my discipline is hot, so I can’t mess up now.
You are correct. It’s a wonderful reason to stay on task.

Peace

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #40 on: November 23, 2018, 11:36:43 PM »
21 days no porn, 7 days no orgasm, 26 days no cheating on my diet.

I traveled to my parents for Thanksgiving and I stayed on task. No cheating on my diet and brought all my own food. I’m feeling just sad right now, like I’m losing a lot of comforting things. Many of my favorite comfort foods were there and I’m stuck eating a protein shake and then a few hours later it’s shrimp, potatoes, broccoli, and asparagus.

It’s also been 19 days since I’ve had intercourse with my wife. I think I’m doing the right thing by doing this hard mode for a while and not taking ED drugs but I miss the bonding. I’m also just super horny. It’s a rarity I’ve gone this long without an orgasm since I started masturbating at age 11. I’m just hoping for a wet dream to get some relief.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #41 on: November 24, 2018, 10:53:19 PM »
22 days no porn, 8 days no orgasm, 27 days no cheating on my diet.

Today is the 8th anniversary of the first date with my wife. Nothing really to speak of romantically. We got back from my parents this evening and I ate and went to the gym to lift and do cardio. When I got home she was already asleep with the one year old but the four year old was watching TV. I’’m feeling like I’m chopped liver at this point. Every time I’ve mentioned the anniversary of our first date she would make jokes like “let’s have the same sex we did on our first date to celebrate, none”. Then on this trip we drove past the location of our first date and I said something and she didn’t even respond. I think the big issue is extreme fatigue and she frequently makes statements about getting more sleep and less sex, but ultimately it still makes me feel like shit.

I’m not really feeling super tempted but I’ll admit the fantasy aspect of porn makes me feel wanted and appreciated and right now I’m really lacking in those areas.


discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #42 on: November 25, 2018, 11:25:24 PM »
23 days no porn, 9 days no orgasm, 28 days no cheating on my diet

Today was a tough day for me. Just really a continuation of yesterday really. I guess I’m still hurt that my wife acted so non-chalantly about the anniversary of our first date.

The thing is I know she’s fatigued and doesn’t sleep well but it’s largely due to things I’ve tried to fix but she just wouldn’t cooperate or didn’t agree with. So part of me really doesn’t feel that sorry for her.

So the latest attempt to get the 4 year old to sleep by himself was to buy him a new bunk bed with a slide. The goal was to put it together this weekend and make the first attempt tonight.

Putting stuff together with 2 boys running around is impossible so she had her mom come over to watch the boys. I suggested her mom watch the boys and we would put the beds together ourselves as a couple. Somehow that turned into the neighbor boy would come over to play with the for year old, I’d watch the one year old, and her and her mom would put the beds together. Then she kept asking me if I had any vision of how the day would go and I’m pissed off at this point because you already asked for my input, I gave it, you didn’t listen, and just did something else. Now you are asking again like I never told you before. Whatever I say she will just argue with so what’s the point.

I guess I’m just pissed off today. Pissed at the wife, mother in law, oldest son, neighbor kid, and even the dog. I’m good with the one year old though. I just don’t for the life of me know why she try’s to do everything with the cards stacked against her as much as possible. Why invite the neighbor kid over to play when what we needed is less kids running through the house and not more?

Bottom line is this. We are both exhausted and part of my attitude is I’m genuinely missing my wife and what makes me mad is that it’s partially because of circumstances she could control. She loves me very much and I know this, but energy and child sleeping is putting a strain on our relationship. Of course from my end the ED, porn, and this current dry streak is putting a strain on it as well. As well as how I’m handling things. I’m venting on here, but I really love my family and wish I didn’t feel this way.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #43 on: November 27, 2018, 12:05:06 AM »
24 days no porn, 0 days no masturbation or orgasm, 29 days no cheating on my diet.

Strange day today. I was feeling pretty down and stressed so I wanted to cum so I did masturbate but without porn. This was eyes open no fantasy sort of stuff. I think part of it was trying to see if I could get an erection. I got very minimal. So tonight I’m making out with my wife and I’m feeling a little stirring down below, nothing big but maybe 40%. I eventually am erect enough that I can kind of manually press it in. I then proceeded to get a lot harder and came. It was enjoyable for both of us and shows me I’m making progress. But I need to commit to the process and certainly not experiment with seeing if I can get an erection. If anything this eased some anxiety that I’m not too far gone and should probably recover pretty quickly. At least make improvements although full recovery could take a couple of years. So I’m happy with that.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #44 on: November 28, 2018, 02:07:53 PM »
26 days no porn, 2 days no orgasm, currently on first day of no cheating on diet

The last few days have been rough. I’ve been getting phone calls all night long from work where I’ll just get to sleep and get woke up and repeat several more times. We’ve also been working on getting the boys to sleep in their own beds this week. So I’m fatigued and haven’t got much sleep. Monday night after about the 3rd phone call I just said “fuck it” and started eating any tasty food in the house I could find. That continued into yesterday and almost into today. I can’t wake up early enough to lift before work so have actually missed 2 days of lifting. The wife and I have been short with each other. She’s probably more tired than I am. She has no libido from fatigue and although I’m supposed to be doing this 90 day hard mode reboot I still want to make out to feel close to her.

She admits that when it comes to the porn she is trying to be supportive she still feels hurt and betrayed and might be holding a bit of a grudge.

I haven’t looked at porn though so that is good. We will get through this and things will get better.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #45 on: November 29, 2018, 10:38:00 PM »
27 days no porn, 3 days no orgasm, 2 days no cheating on my diet

The big issue I’m dealing with right now is my wife’s extreme fatigue and trying to get the boys to sleep by themselves and go to bed without hours of fighting. Work has also been really busy and stressful. I’ve eaten right the last 2 days and lifted this morning and did my cardio last night and tonight.

I’m trying to be less needy, clingy, etc with my wife. She gets enough of that from the boys and doesn’t need any from me.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #46 on: December 01, 2018, 01:33:53 AM »
28 days no porn, 0 days hard mode, 3 days no cheating on my diet.

Attempted to have sex tonight and it felt like there would be a decent erection but it never materialized. I still managed to cum. I’m frustrated. I could easily just go back to popping Cialis and Viagra but feel like I should stay the course. I feel like a total failure right now. Like I’ve convinced myself that my wife is thinking about ex boyfriends and she has no desire for me.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #47 on: December 04, 2018, 09:25:59 AM »
The website hasn’t loaded for a few days so I haven’t been able to journal. This entry will be for yesterday and I’ll write again tonight.

31 days no porn, 1 day no orgasm, 1 day no cheating on my diet.

Sunday night I just really wanted to have some normal sex. So I took some boner pills and they worked like a charm. The wife and I both had a great time and there wasn’t any delayed ejaculation. I still think I need to do the 90 day hard mode to get back normal function without the ED pills, but I just wanted to feel normal again.

Yesterday I was texting her and trying to be encouraging about her exercise and diet attempts and I was commenting on how good she was looking and with the thoughts of the previous night in my head said something about how is both getting in shape will lead to hot sex. Her response was “you’re obsessed”. I asked what she meant and it was basically I talk about sex to much and talking about it doesn’t get her amped up. It’s getting old being labeled a pervert. I’ve been accused of looking at porn at times in our marriage when I hadn’t viewed it for over a year and a half. If I direct my sexual attention toward my wife in any sort of overt way then I’m a pervert. Part of this is just PMS I hope. It just seems lately like anything I do good gets turned around in me like I’m doing something bad. She is exhausted and burned out from sleep deprivation with the kids. I honestly think that is our biggest relationship issue. Once that is resolved other areas will improve. I suggested I send her off to a luxury resort spa for a few days while I watched the boys. I wanted to surprise her with this. Her response instead of being grateful was to say she feels out of control and wants to be the one to decide how she relaxes. Basically I was being accused of being controlling although she didn’t out and out say it.

Between that and her response to me yesterday I’m really moving toward being checked out. We eventually settled on her going to Vegas for 5 days by herself and she will just sleep, go to the spa, and take yoga classes. It was only Vegas because I found a super good deal where with airfare included it would cost less than 5 nights in a local hotel. With her recent attitude I’m starting to regret doing it though.

discobolus

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #48 on: December 05, 2018, 11:02:26 AM »
32 days no porn, 0 days no orgasm, 2 days no cheating on my diet.

I’m doing much better today. I’m realizing a lot of the stuff I was mad about was just overthinking things on my part and expecting women to act like men sexually.

My wife was ready to go at it so we did last night. I didn’t take any ED meds and things worked pretty good. Not rock hard and would lose it a little but not lifeless like before. The viagra and Cialis should be out of my system by now. My bodybuilding coach recommended trying CBD oil for sleeping and I’ve got to say that stuff is just making me super chill and relaxed. I just feel calm now. That can’t help but improve my marriage and erections because being calm (parasympathetic nervous system) causes erections and anxiety (sympathetic nervous system) causes you to lose them.

I keep toying with the idea of a 90 day no orgasm reboot but not sure it’s ever going to happen.

If I did 90 days it would end in early March when I get back from the Arnold Classic Fitness Expo. I’m going with 2 friends. My wife said there is no way she’s sending me there if I haven’t came in 90 days. She went last year and knows there are tons of half naked Fitness women walking around everywhere.

uncreatedlight

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Re: Time To Make A Change
« Reply #49 on: December 05, 2018, 08:05:57 PM »
No orgasm is doable although it sounds impossible, and you can always cuddle with your wife or get her off in other ways.

I know how it feels to be crazy about someone who doesn't reciprocate.  I wish I knew the answer.  Backing off the pursuit seems to be the best strategy.

Young children put an enormous strain on a relationship.  Those first few years have coincided with some of my worst marital crises.  If y'all can ride it out for a while, you will be able to return life as normal adults eventually.  I know how frustrating it is.