Author Topic: Journaling my steps  (Read 418 times)

Tempted

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Journaling my steps
« on: October 09, 2018, 04:54:48 AM »
Hi, I am new to this Forum as a user but I have been lurking for quite a while.

I realized that I have a porn addiction once my preferences became immoral in ways I could not accept any more, I am very for expressing your sexuality but I went to a place I never want to return because I cannot imagine how these kinds of sexual preferences are in any way good for me.
My problem now, which many of you probably can relate to, is that I get triggered by literally ANYTHING. On one hand, this could be because our current world is becoming more and more sexualized which I really hate, but also because through my years of porn use (9-21) I just found a way to make anything sexual in some way.
To the best of my recollection, I think I have been actively trying to stop porn use for the past two months but I have yet to manage a longer streak than 3 days which doesn't end in direct descend into the deepest depths of my "preferences". Which is just another proof of my addiction, because I just cannot stop at will.

Finally, I feel like it is hard to find people who really understand how serious I think my condition is, I have one friend who really understands me, maybe two but all the other people seem to not understand that I have an addiction, its not that I just want to stop watching porn because whatever, I am suffering because of porn. So yeah, thanks for reading, it might be good for me to start a  journal on here so I will just start with that and see how far I come, tomorrow I have another meeting with my psychologist who has been helping me a great deal already and I will talk to him some more too.

If you read my ramblings, thanks:)

« Last Edit: October 18, 2018, 01:46:35 PM by Tempted »

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2018, 04:56:11 AM »
Journal Day 1

I am in the middle of day 1 right now so I will fight to keep it a clean day but I need to start writing. My anxiety has been hitting me hard the past days and I am really proud of going out of the house once today but I want to manage two more tasks I want to complete. I'm gonna do it !!!!

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 07:21:04 AM »
Those are some nice ramblings Tempted!
Good on ya for coming here and getting help. I think we all understand you.
Here you can vent all you want and you'll be heard and understood no danger. Keep journaling all of your thoughts and ask any questions you want.
Keep it up!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2018, 09:08:30 AM »
Hey, thanks for the encouragement.
I think I will keep updating this journal with my everyday experiences. Afterall its supposed to work well.

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2018, 09:22:19 AM »
Almost relapsed, I am angry, but I didn't do it. It is ridiculous how many triggers are out there.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2018, 09:00:06 PM »
Yeah its annoying isnt it, but the thing to focus on there is almost relapse. You were able to stop yourself before it turned into a full PMO cluster-fuck! Triggers can come from anywhere, and at times we can even invent our own, so be careful!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2018, 03:27:07 AM »
Day 2

Its in the morning right now and I already failed. It is interesting and hard to see how little willpower I have in the morning. I have the feeling I need get rid of my phone or I will not be able to quit.
Well, I am with my therapist in a bit maybe he has some ideas.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 10:10:09 AM by Tempted »

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #7 on: October 10, 2018, 10:12:51 AM »
Went to my therapist, talked about a lot of important things, tomorrow I will give my phone to my friend and go without it for a week, let's see if that helps. I keep thinking about how deep my addiction really goes, there have been days when I was around 16 where the only though when I was alone at home was that I could just binge on porn. I don't want to hide my habits anymore, and as long as I do not do embarrassing things (porn) I do not have to. There are still quite a few porn related things I will have to get rid of, but I can do it.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #8 on: October 10, 2018, 07:31:10 PM »
Well done on ditching the phone for a week! Thats going to help a lot. After a week youll realize just what an evil hold your phone has on you, in a porn sense that is. Everyone needs a phone, but its all too easy to some junk up on the screen.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2018, 02:49:33 AM »
Hey thanks for the reply, I guess apart from being addicted to porn I also have a problem with "the internet" in general, be it video games or social media. In moderation they are great and a fine addition to life but I feel like I am consuming them too much.

On another note, I cut more ties to my porn life/persona and it feels very weird. Porn has been such a big part of my life for years that it definitely feels like I am losing a part of myself, and at times it is hard to tell myself things will be better because I have never experienced life without porn.
Yesterday my therapist told me that every time I think of porn an alarm has to go off before he told me that I was just starting to feel bad when I thought of porn because I knew I shouldn't. But imagining an actual alarm works way better because it stops the train of thought, and I do not start self-loathing.

Still, as of right now porn dreams are frequent, but I will not let them allow to stop me, fuck hentai, fuck porn actresses, you might look beautiful but I should value real-life women and sexual experiences way more! Now I will dive once more into the tough experience of withdrawal, wish me luck.

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2018, 09:44:33 AM »
Middle of the day right now kind off and it is good to have a place where I can write everything down because I am really stressed out. I think I cut off any way in which I can easily access porn and every time I think of porn I let an imaginary alarm sound. Sounds funny but for now, it works. I hate it so much how porn has just ruled my life, I want to return to it so bad even though I just stopped, but I cannot go back, I will not go back, it is holding me back from so many things, I had a great morning today and I want to have another great morning tomorrow and I CANNOT achieve that while consuming porn.

It's either:

Consume porn = become disgusting lowlife single pervert
Not consume porn = find my passion and explore my sexuality in a healthy way with a real partner

The choice looks pretty obvious to me, I now just have to beat dopamine addiction and my anxiety, which will not be easy but very very necessary. I'm gonna do it, I know I will!!!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2018, 10:53:14 AM »
Wonderful, it turns out I cannot consume any kind of media because sex is everywhere:)
I did not relapse but holy it was close, need to pay attention to myself for today especially, I sense danger.

Jack Can

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2018, 12:54:01 PM »
dude! the media is the worst thing ever lol. You can be doing literally anything and be blasted with sexual images. I have to avoid snapchat stories as well even.. It's everywhere!! Good luck at staying away from it though

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2018, 12:55:46 PM »
Thanks buddy, I deleted like all apps and I am unfollowing anything on reddit and twitter which might possibly trigger me, its a tough world out here trying to stay clean

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #14 on: October 11, 2018, 06:13:55 PM »
I AM SO FRUSTRATED, I GET THROUGH THE WHOLE DAY AND THEN I RELAPSE WHILE TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP. I JUST WANT IT TO END.

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2018, 02:03:02 AM »
Day 1

New start, I get through the day without any big problems but the night us dangerous. I now started watching a stream before I go to sleep until I am so tired that I just cannot M anymore. Worked atleast once, I am happy. Cravings are still present though, its going to be a tough time. Porn has become quite a big part of me.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2018, 08:37:21 AM »
You become a part of the porn, I think.
It's not really you is it. It's got a hold of you and turns you into what it wants you to be in order to feed on itself. Like a dirty parasite it sucks the life out of you. So what do you do with a filthy fucking parasite?
You kill it.
Just like you would a mosquito buzzing around you you smack it dead. Spray it, squash it, whatever you gotta do.
You feel like shit don't you. You don't ever want to feel like this again right? So take extreme measures never ever to feel like that again and stamp it out for good
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2018, 11:26:00 AM »
Yeah, I definitely feel like shit, but I will and must prevail!
I just biked 50 kilometers today and later will meet with a friend, I just have to fill my day with so many good things that I do not even want to or can't m anymore :P

Jack Can

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2018, 09:48:08 PM »
If you think you can just avoid PMO then great! But something that helped me a lot on my first streak was to M like every 3 of days without porn for a couple of weeks before going all in and giving up everything.

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2018, 03:35:01 AM »
Sounds, interesting. Personally I am scared that when I M I will just pull up porn at some point during it. I will try your suggestion if I fail again tho!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #20 on: October 14, 2018, 07:26:00 PM »
I have to write right now, I am so close to relapsing. I DO NOT WANT TO, IT IS BETTER FOR ME TO NOT DO IT!!! In the long term, I will feel more confident, waste less time, be healthier, not support a toxic industry and work for my future. Weird thing, while I am writing this I feel very much like I will succumb to my primitive drives. God how I hate the feeling. I need to fight it!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2018, 03:25:04 PM »
So, I had a very good 3-day streak but relapse. I realize two things, showering after waking up and then getting dressed has to be imperative for me is the first thing. The second is, that I feel way more confident when not masturbating, higher self-esteem, higher self-worth, happier baseline mood, all these things even when just three days off of it. I will remember this feeling every time I think of relapsing now.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #22 on: October 16, 2018, 09:53:47 PM »
Thats right, just think that feeling will be destroyed if you PMO. Simply not worth it
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #23 on: October 17, 2018, 01:49:19 AM »
It is crazy and frightening to see what my actual triggers are. I went so deep into porn that I aquired the worst of tastes in my eyes, cant wait to get away from it!

Tempted

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Re: Venting and maybe starting a Journal
« Reply #24 on: October 18, 2018, 04:08:35 AM »
Being depressed really makes all of this harder, having a crappy day today. Any small setbacks ruin my whole mood and kind of put me on ice, it is either a completely productive day atm or a day where I don't do anything.