Author Topic: Needing to Heal  (Read 3432 times)

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #50 on: January 15, 2019, 04:48:22 AM »
We will never be able to quit porn for good if we don't move on from the past completely. Right now, I am somewhere in between, that doesn't help nothing. I am in a place between past and the future where I want to change my life. Circumstances make that I can't start my new life yet and I don't know when the fuck I will. I hope in a few months. I'm losing my fucking mind like this. Loneliness is killing me.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #51 on: January 18, 2019, 08:29:49 AM »
Relapsed again last night and this morning.

I just cannot control myself. It's a fucking shit mess!

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #52 on: January 21, 2019, 03:11:42 PM »
Relapsed 3 times in 3 days. Yesterday was especially horrible, but today i relapsed too. I can hardly trust myself at the moment. Its pathetic!

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #53 on: January 21, 2019, 04:02:19 PM »
I know, bro. You lose control and start questioning if you could do it in the first place. This is my 2nd day only, I know very well what it's like to have doubts about the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know if it helps you but we definitely must not binge if we relapse. Once a day and that's it.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #54 on: January 21, 2019, 05:01:12 PM »
I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today. In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst. THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!

I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #55 on: January 21, 2019, 07:16:40 PM »
I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today.
I'm not far from this. Some days ago I went absolutely crazy. I couldn't control my thoughts and I had impulse to come up with crazy stuff and write it in my journal. It lasted a few days then I seemed to return back to normal. That's the problem: You never know how long a phase like this will take. And you know that you are prone to them and you worry about going through one again.

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In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst.
This is like my living-room. I've jerked off to pictures of girls classmates countless times. Facebook didn't exist back then, it was Hi 5. And what's sick is that you meet them when you go to high school and it feels awkward as fuck. Things that are sick to normal people are pleasure for me. This is what fucking porn has done to me. I look at a picture on Facebook, I include the girl in a porn fantasy and then I turn myself on to the max fantasizing about cumshot. What's crazy with addictions is that addicts end up doing the same things. This stuff about jerking off to pictures from social media is more common than we think. What we need to understand is that we are not alone. It's not only us doing this and we are not the most weird guys. I got into Facebook after I finished high school and I had a lot of ex-classmates in my friends list. Then I started jerking off to this girl and I didn't use to do that back in high school. I sent her an invitation to Instagram so I could have access to her private profile and jerk off to the pictures. And the worst part in all this is that I didn't feel any remorse. Okay, I understand social media has turned into softcore porn but I should respect myself better, I should have more control over myself and I should remove myself from this. I don't want to empower that social media anymore by doing exactly what they want me to do: Salivate and jerk off all day.

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THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!
There are so many more destructive things I could do instead of this filth :))))

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I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.
Yeah, man, the mind is the most difficult part of us to heal when it gets sick. It's not like your leg hurts. How can you stop all the chaos in the mind? How can you stop all the anxiety, depression, worries etc. These are rhetorical questions many times.

I'm writing all this because I could relate to it. I wouldn't if I didn't know how it felt. I'm definitely not speaking only from theory read on websites. I don't like telling people stuff like "be strong", "man up" etc. They are terrible things to tell to depressed people and I know that cause they annoy me as well when I'm at the bottom of the hole. So I won't tell you stuff like that. I don't have any advice or anything, I just want you to know that you are not alone cause I'm going through more or less similar circumstances.


Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #56 on: January 22, 2019, 06:18:26 PM »
Well I have managed a day without relapse, but to be completely honest it's been pretty shit.

Have been quite anxious all day and somewhat distracted. But this evening has been especially hard. There's so much on my mind anyway, that if it goes to prove anything being a porn addict makes the hard things in life a lot harder. This evening especially though I've just been really really stressed and up-and-down and it culminated in me actually getting quite emotional and bursting into tears. However I must say doing that at least acts as a bit of a release and a let out of steam. Because otherwise it have gone completely mental. However a really long run as well which also helped clear my head a little bit. So feeling a bit better now.

I think I have definitely hit rock bottom though. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And it's not just with other things that are going on. Because life will throw challenges at you, and sometimes they will make you feel like shit. But that's all part and parcel of life. But there's only certain things that will actually make you feel properly like you are buried in a hole with concrete being poured on top of you. In that horrible feeling as a result of relapse and porn addiction is exactly that. Usually it may be happens two weeks into reboot, and if I finally have success on this it will maybe happen again in a couple weeks. But right now while I'm fully conscious of how I felt, I know it's something that I never want to feel again. I have a friend passed away in 2017, it almost feels worse than that. Because I could at least accept that as there was nothing I could do to prevent it. But I know I could have prevented this at least in part. But if there's one good thing at least I felt that the motion and I managed to get out. God knows I've probably got more tears to cry in the duration of this. But if I managed to get some kind of a streak going at least I can start trying to sail away from it.

In a way we kind of need these feelings to really kickstart things sometimes. But the same time it's frustrating because I've been here before, and I know full well I don't want to feel like this again. But my actions can mean that I will. I have so much that I can be working on right now, but the continual relapse and emotional rollercoaster is taking me away from it. And it's not very nice.

So that was today. One of the worst in a long time. But hopefully a bit of a watershed moment as well. I say that with positive that will help me to kick on a bit now. Then again I may be back tomorrow with news of a Relapse. Who knows!?

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #57 on: January 24, 2019, 04:28:09 AM »
Unfortunately relapsed twice last night. Once to porn and once to just MO.

nightmare!

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #58 on: March 25, 2019, 05:33:26 PM »
So it's been quite a long time since my last post. To be honest I've been incredibly busy, as I moved house to a different town and have also had a lot of work with University. I was also a little bit ashamed to be posting as it was, in a long cycle of relapse. This has been very much often annoyed with some days and even the odd week attempting reboots, the broken up by excessive amounts of peaking.

However, I have managed three days now on the proverbial hard mode. This is the best I've done in a  while, as previous attempts over the last few months have been broken up by too much peeking. That seems to be the biggest downfall. I was even aware wreck sitting doing it basically this was betraying everything I was trying to do. But as I said I managed three days without any peaking, and I intend to keep going as best I can. I'm not gonna lie emotionally I have been all over the place the last three days, and on the day of my last relapse, which happened in the morning I had a massive outburst of tears in the evening. I was basically uncontrollable crying. But I feel so much better for it. However I'm still very up-and-down. It possibly doesn't help either flat at the funeral on Wednesday as my grandfather died last week, which has been quite upsetting as we were quite close, although he was very old. In some way it has brought some sense of perspective. The first couple of days after he passed I was definitely peaking and edging as a way of dealing with ourselves. The resultant relapse however brought a lot of pain. In the midst of it and feel it had a realisation doing these things doesn't ease the pain that makes it worse. There's a few other reasons as well but not gonna go into them. But on the whole there's definitely been a realisation that this is getting me nowhere. I also realise that I harbour a lot of regret for previous failed attempts rebooting. I have previously had some quite long streaks, but the last couple of years I have cycled in relapse a fair bit, with the last year being particularly bad. It's come to the point although I genuinely worry if this continues they will learn all the new opportunities it made for myself. And in the midst of that worry as I mentioned before I run the risk of harbouring so much regret. So I am working to let go of all. Emotionally at the moment is very hard and I am very up-and-down, but I feel in a way I need to feel this is reboots will work best when they allow you to face the honesty in your life.

Anyhow, that is where I am at. I'm gonna try and post a little bit more. But I've never been one to post for the sake of posting. But if anyone is reading, feel free to comment!

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #59 on: April 01, 2019, 06:13:36 PM »
Well managed to make it to 10 days, and I have successfully avoided looking at any porn, masturbating, orgasm, or relapsing!

I have had quite a lot going on in that time. My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was last week. As expected that occupied a lot of my minds and attention. It released a bit of family politics which was also quite a big distraction, although luckily that didn't become anything in the end. The sorts of things are never fun though!

I haven't really had much in the way of temptation, and any that I have had has been easily controlled. I always forget how good it is when your head is clear of porn, and the temptation of it as well. Although it's only been 10 days, I feel a lot more focused even in a short space of time. That's not to say everything is perfect for that I have found any "superpowers". To be honest I don't believe that rebooting brings superpowers. All it actually does is let you see yourself, albeit eventually, for who and what you really are. As you get free of the porno bull shit track that holds you down and holds you back, you start to realise you're not that bad a person.

Anyway, I don't know if I've been hit by the flat lines yet, which in itself can bring its hardships. I do fully expect that at some point my brain is gonna go mental and start doing the usual rubbish to try and tempt me back into the old ways. I'm aware of another area in my life in the shape of diet and exercise, that could probably do with a bit of improvement. But I am going to concentrate on this first. If I can get 10 days, then in the same amount of time ill be looking at 20,  and another 10 and thats 30 and.... Well you know where I'm going with this! But it's equally important that I just take every day as it comes celebrate each one is a small victory. I think a lot of my previous issues with reboots over the last year is that I get desperate to rack up huge streak because I was getting sick of the place I was at, which is usually the moments straight after a relapse when you feel really shit. The moments after my most recent relapse I felt awful, and I even got quite tearful. The next couple of days as well it felt like shit. But that's improved at least. But I am well aware that there could be some rough seas ahead as I  carry on with this. I have every intention however to stay off porn, no matter how hard it gets.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2019, 05:10:48 PM by Sentimental_geek »

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #60 on: April 06, 2019, 05:17:09 PM »
I'm now 15 days into my reboot. Please to report I have not looked any porn, although I did get a little bit carried away earlier on Facebook looking at the profile of quite hot girl I know. But I managed to stop myself doing a stupid. If anything I just feel a bit dumb for getting carried away. Especially as in essence that's the fellow human being, that should be respected!

In general I've been feeling a bit more temptation of the last couple of days, but at the same time slightly desexualised. So I have a feeling of flat line may be coming. And to be honest it would be such a bad thing. This is usually the danger zone time where I can often end up going back to porn because I know my libido was about to plummet, and my brain makes a lastgasp attempt not to let go. At the same time kind of aware that what I am attracted to has gone completely out the window. Hence the de-sexualised feelings. In some ways I think it is a sign of my brain rewiring, because it used all the trash that I've looked at for so long.

Either way, it's definitely a move in the right direction for me is 15 days without any peaking at porn is the best I've done in a very very long time. And it is definitely reminding me as well as continuing to teach me the benefits of staying off porn. I am aware occasionally I get a little bored however. This may be a bit challenging in the next few months as my university will finish for the summer, and I will have a bit more time on my hands. However I am looking for opportunities both with employment and voluntary work that will hopefully plug the gaps.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #61 on: April 09, 2019, 04:58:32 PM »
I'm on day 18 now. No relapses or peeking so still going strong in that department.

I've been very off and on temptation. Nothing this got the better of me. But I do find myself there again getting quite intense fantasy, which can be very tempting. I am however, able to let it pass. But it is annoying when it happens as it can stick in my mind for ages. It often seems to happen at the most awkward of times as well, and I have noticed this specially when I am tired.

I have also felt my mood being very up and down over the last few days. There has been points where I've been getting quite jittery and almost paranoid about the littlest things. As if the slightest little issue could bring my whole world down to pieces. There's also been times when I've just felt really sad and that everything I do is pointless. For example earlier I was working on a couple of assignments for university, and I found it impossible to concentrate. I also began to feel everything I was doing was just stupid and completely incorrect and not as good as what other people were doing. Just like this wave of despair descended upon me. It was quite a horrible feeling! It kind of comes and goes. So I have a feeling some kind of flat line is brewing, and with it may come more despair  and depression. It's a reminder that in reboots for me the first few days are always hell, then the next week or two are usually quite good. But then you are hit with another wave of hardship. What I find interesting is in my last reboot attempt, when I reached 50 or so days but was peaking quite a lot I didn't get this feeling. But this time as I have been a lot more strict I am starting to get it. It's definitely a sign of some kind of rewiring. I also find that despite fantasies that come into my head, and really not finding anything particularly sexually attractive at the moment. I feel like I have to convince myself that someone as attractive in a sexual way. I think it's my brain saying to me it just needs a rest, which of course is the whole point of a reboot!

Anyway that's very much just now. A range of slightly strange and strained feelings, and an underlying feeling that it may get worse before it gets better. But I'm not gonna get impatient, or at least try not to. But I have a long journey ahead.

Greenzebra

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #62 on: April 13, 2019, 03:24:17 AM »
As someone going through reboot at a similar time as you i can totally relate sentimenal_geek.

The flat line, the emotional turbulence, im there too. All i keep remembering is my sex life since i was 16 years old has been influenced by porn. My wife, now 7mo old.child are and the things ive desired are all a result of this sick need.

Im 30 now and im only just experiencing my adhd in its full capacity. I procrastinate, i cant focus, im always moving... its a lot to take in.

I just keep focusing on that goal of being in a relationship that makes me happy.

School is meant to be stressful... its a lot if work. can you find ways to be happy where you are and be proud of going 40+ days!? The physical pain is enough to stop anyone! I can relate...

Goodluck... we're here for you.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #63 on: April 15, 2019, 03:52:18 AM »
Unfortunately despite my best eforts atn intentions I have fallen off the rails. The last three days I had started peaking again sometimes and slightly risky situations when I was at university. And then this morning I masturbated, albeit not to porn, but to the point I orgasm.

It's completely my fault as I let things slip massively. But I didn't enjoy in the slightest. At the moment of climax felt this massive adrenaline rush that made me feel a bit sick. And right now I feel like an absolute mess of confusion and shit.

Thats all I really have to say :(

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #64 on: April 15, 2019, 05:51:11 PM »
Relapsed a total of 3 times today....so thats a binge. Pretty disappointing but there is not much I can do. Got to about 21 days in "hard mode" but fell to bits int he end. Need to get it back together and try again. Feel a massive sense of emptiness but also loneliness. Lonely because I did it but also lonely because, well, i'm alone! I've been feeling that a lot recently and its really come to ahead today :-( So its all a bit shit!

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #65 on: April 17, 2019, 12:08:28 PM »
Relapsed again today after avoiding a relapse but peeking yesterday. Feel like its square one again. One moment I want to kick this, the next i'm a porn monster. I hate it. Absolutely hate it!

jixu

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #66 on: April 18, 2019, 04:20:50 AM »
And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.   No peeking-that is how it starts! 

Georgos

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #67 on: April 18, 2019, 07:20:37 PM »
Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #68 on: April 18, 2019, 08:48:14 PM »
And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.   No peeking-that is how it starts!

I appreciate that! I relapsed again tonight unfortunately. Im really struggling again. Cant seem to get back to where i was. I feel like my brain is completely at war with me. Like it dosent want to do anything i ask of it. All it seems to want now is porn. Feels a bit like everything has suddenly left me.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #69 on: April 19, 2019, 06:32:46 PM »
Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

THis makes little to no sense and really is not helpful at all as its very judgemental. How do you know "posting relapses om here" stimulates dopamine? Are you a neuroscientist? If it did would it really be a problem? Dompamine rewards for doing something positive are in themselves positive. Its the porn use stimulating dopamine thats the issue. Dopamine in itself is just dopamine. And its not your place to dictate what I can and cant write on MY forum thread!

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #70 on: April 19, 2019, 06:35:06 PM »
So I have managed 24 hours without porn. I was very tempted earlier, but managed to stave off the temptation. This is the start of a very long journey again. It's a journey of start many times before, and it's also one of getting a bit sick of having to keep doing. But I know it's the only answer that I have.

I have been a bit all over the place today, and unsure what to do with myself. But at least in some sense I feel achievement getting through at least a day.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #71 on: April 20, 2019, 03:59:25 PM »
Pleased to report so far I have made it a second day porn free. I have had a lot of temptation at times but have managed to hold it together.

Even after two days I feel a little more balanced. In some ways acts as a reminder as to why rebooting is a good thing. Even though I'm not anywhere near a flat line at the moment which will come. I also fully expect I'll get some withdrawals in the next week or so which may put me on a downer. But overall like I said it is a reminder that's staying clean gives huge mental benefit. If only I could remind myself of that in my darkest moments of temptation.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #72 on: April 26, 2019, 11:24:18 AM »
Unfortunately relapsed today. Urges got the better of me plus having university work to do kept me in all day so I had little escape from the computer. Not that its an excuse but I was 7 days in now thats up in smoke :-(

jixu

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #73 on: May 08, 2019, 08:49:24 PM »
Hi SG!  Hope the pressures from the University have abated somewhat for you.  It seems like there is always something popping up causing us stress!

Regardless of how you are doing, keep in mind your past successes such as your recent 20 day streak. Like you yourself said, being clean gives you a huge mental benefit-that is definitely the truth. Keep working at it !  Take care 

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #74 on: May 12, 2019, 10:19:36 AM »
Unfortunately I seem to be in a relapse cycle again. Get a couple of days in then it falls apart. Relapsed 3 times today.

 My vice at the moment seems to be touching myslef, especially in the morning. This seems to set a tone in my mind that doing this is ok but one thing leads to another and, well, you all know the rest. I'm even fully aware that whenI t happens i'm doing something I dont want to. Impulse and stupidity is still getting the best of me.

I think I mabey need to start small. Aim for 5 days and dont think about 90 day streaks too much. If I get 5, push it to 7. 7 to 10, 10 to 15 and so on.

I'm also suffering badly from boredom at the moment and need to get on top of this.