Author Topic: Needing to Heal  (Read 2962 times)

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2018, 05:29:24 PM »
Regret to announce I got 54 days but relapsed today. Feel like shit for it :-(

Thanks to twitter of all places, I ended up on porn related feeds, then on a torrent site. Started edging. On multiple occasions heard a voice saying STOP but let it get the better of me. PMO'd twice int he space of 3 hours. Feel like a total fucking loser!

I had actually masturbated and orgasmed on Sunday. I had hoped the occasional masturbation would be ok, even a good way to get a release as I felt a wet dream was brewing and could stay in control. Ideally one day I would like to be able to masturbate occasionally and cum but not fall into a porn oblivion. But sadly the chaser took hold and I let slip.

I can pinpoint what went wrong tho in a way. Obviously, the above has a role to play. But when I woke this morning the thought of touching myself came into my head. Instead of getting up and going about my day, I started to touch myself. I then got up and ate but was lazing around for a while on my computer. Thoughts got the better of me and it descended from there. Even when It got into my head that this was stupid I carried on which is especially annoying as I was getting better at switching off when It started creeping in. I had 101other things I could have been doing, but I fell in the trap. I could have got up when I felt the urge, gone for a run, had a shower, had some food, meditated then gone out as I had some things to do in town. I have a job interview coming up on Tuesday as well which I could have prepared for and Uni work I could be getting on with. But alas, looking at shit online got the better of me.

If I can take one thing from it, then its that I lasted 54 days. Some peaking, edging and a relapse, but its a start after a year of circulated relapse. But it's reminding me of how fucking shit it is when you slip-up.

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #26 on: November 17, 2018, 07:56:33 PM »
Just relapsed again tonight.

Feel like I cant trust my own brain at the moment. Any excuse to peak and go from there and it just fucking crumbles!

Had a bit of a stressful day at times and have felt like a pent up loaded gun. In the odd moment i've felt calm and clear, suddenly the porn monster appears and I fuck it up again. Feels like i've made a massive mess of it all

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2018, 06:43:22 PM »
Unfortunately, my cycle of relapse has continued and I relapsed twice today. Once just masturbating, but another to porn. I feel that in the aftermath of relapsing I got stressed about realpsing again and its just snowballed. Feeling a bit calmer now having had a bit of a think about it all. The big thing that stands out is where my values lie in terms of rebooting. Although I got a 54 day streak, it was becoming alot about abstinence for abstinence sake. Int he process i lost sight of the goals and values i'm trying to create and work towards. I've no idea how long th ecycle will last. Hopefully It wont, but its definately to look at ways to switch things up.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #28 on: November 20, 2018, 06:58:48 PM »
Managed to complete a whole day today. Was a bit all over the place with bouts of moodyness, but survived.

A big thing thats come to mind today is how porn addiction is a huge representation of my sexual frustration. Once I thought it was an outlet but actually its a perpetual vicious circle. Starting when I was a teenager, bit of an odd kid that never felt like girls were interested in me. I guess I still feel that. But I have no actual proof for it other than clinging to my frustration and slipping back into the old way of PMO. It's probably something I should have realized years ago but it really comes to mind today. And I think that internal feeling has really reflected into a lot of my external life and perception. I see it with a few things in life as well. Like part of me has dreams goals and values, but another part is so frustrated by so much that it all falls apart.

That possibly sounds like I'm beating myself up. I'm not. But I feel a bit of honesty has to be had with myself.

Edit_undo

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #29 on: November 20, 2018, 09:34:24 PM »
I can relate to this - the frustration and feeling like the odd one out as a teenager. Some social awkwardness comes with the teenage years for sure but I think getting involved in PMO does invoke some guilt or shame and frustration.  And with those being the so called formative years, it makes sense that some shadow of these tendencies would still be present in each of us today. Looking back, I didn’t want to get to know people too much or didn’t want to put myself out there to meet new people because “what if they find out about my habits?!?” Meanwhile most people MO at that age. This habit/addiction thrives in isolation and undermines your confidence and self worth to the point that it is the most comfortable part of your day, and a seemingly safe place to escape reality when it doesn’t pan out the way we hoped. Plus it’s way easier to PMO than connect with real people.
There’s nothing wrong with some brutal honesty to ourselves if it brings about change or better understanding of ourselves.
Keep at it!

Edit_undo

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #30 on: December 07, 2018, 09:47:23 PM »
Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #31 on: December 16, 2018, 10:43:03 PM »
Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?

Stuck in a cycle of relpase. As I write, I have relapsed twice int he last hour having gone on a 4 day streak tho had a bit of peaking. Really have no idea how to break this and at the point of giving up. Cant put my finger on what is up or seem to find any kind of sticking power to build up a decent streak. Its a fucking mess to be honest!

Edit_undo

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #32 on: December 17, 2018, 09:52:38 AM »
But you’re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the “why” - what’s your end goal of quitting PMO? And remember positive outcomes from other times without using - less brain fog, more alert, more confidence... maybe don’t get so hung up on the streaks or day numbers if it’s going to bring you down.
Any idea what started this cycle? Stress from school or holidays? 

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #33 on: December 17, 2018, 05:57:35 PM »
But you’re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the “why” - what’s your end goal of quitting PMO?

End goal is to not be controlled by porn and ultimately start having functional, sexual relationships.

As for what caused it, well i'm not sure. There have been some family issues lurking, a bit of stress about money and study and ultimately loneliness. Other than that its just being a fucking addict that loses control. But any excuse and I cave in at the moment. Seem to keep telling msyelf "Just one peek" then it turns into a mess. 

Edit_undo

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #34 on: December 18, 2018, 10:38:15 PM »
That’s a pretty good goal.
And stress is a killer. Stress combined with lots of other things going on = lethal.  Stress and loneliness are common at this time of year, no matter how good your self care is. Do you have an escape route for when you are tempted? “Emergency measures” - could be something simple like going for a walk outside or getting out of that room to get a glass of water. Or leaving your computer/laptop out of your room at night to avoid being tempted. Sounds like in the past you used running 5ks and cold showers. At least once you have a plan the only hard part is having the self discipline to follow through with it. Resisting once will set a precedent. Resisting twice becomes a routine. Routines become programmed responses.

Wishing you strength and success.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #35 on: December 27, 2018, 08:39:23 AM »
Still in a cycle of repalse. The worst its been in a long time, at least 4 times in the last week. Cant get my head clear, cant seem to build consistency or motivation. Dont even feel bad. Just feel numb. Its pretty horrible! No idea what to do to be honest.

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #36 on: December 27, 2018, 09:11:33 AM »
What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #37 on: December 28, 2018, 07:48:34 PM »
What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.

During previous reboots are used to go on there quite a lot. I have read quite a lot of the articles previously and you are correct they are very helpful. I haven't had a look on the site in ages though it might be worth me having another look I suppose. No harm in reminding myself of strategies of others. My biggest problem has been peeking and ageing file speaking. Principally I know that Peeking is what leads to relapse. And it's not something I'm doing as a choice per se, although ultimately I am choosing to do it. But more so as a result of my brain getting the better of me and giving in. Although in previous reboots in previous years I did relapse, I was able to go for a fair stretch of time without Peeking. This has been a major downfall for me this time.

At least I have managed to get through one day without relapse which given my recent issues, is quite an achievement. I really just need to take each day as it comes at the moment. One thing I am aware of is that part of the reason for my relapse recently has been to a lot of stress. There are a few issues in my family, which include the fact I don't speak to my brother currently as cutting a long story short is a bit of a dick. Obviously with it being Christmas time, that had some repercussions. As a result of us being nil by mouth, I wasn't invited to my mum's for Christmas. Not actually a major issue, but for the fact nobody else in the family really made much effort to contact me during this period which is a bit shit. The whole thing was quite stressful and upsetting and it's definitely been at the forefront of my mind. But there is possibly other reasons to and loneliness is definitely one.

But anyway my mind has settled a little bit since my relapse yesterday. I'm starting to see a bit more clarity and feel a little bit more balanced. And at the very least I feel a little bit of motivation to get stuck into reboot again, no matter how hard it is.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #38 on: December 29, 2018, 07:48:50 PM »
Well I have made it two days so far.

I've not had much in the way of urges for porn or even masturbation. However I have had urges to pig out on junk food like doughnuts for some reason. But I managed to refrain. I also had the urge to go and buy lots of beer and drink it but also refrained. However I did have a couple of glasses of wine earlier but nothing major. I'm slightly at a loss of what to do to fill in time. Yesterday I had a day out in another city which was good to get away. Today I had a wander around the town that I live in, and did some bits and bobs of shopping. But I am aware are properly need to find something to fulfil myself. I start a new job in a couple of weeks and also start back at university so that will take up some time. I will also need to start flat hunting as I moving to another city which will also occupy my time a bit as well. I'm considering finding somebody that is looking for our flatmate as I think having somebody else around could be a real help. When I think about it, my porn addiction has really got its worst since living on my own. This is when I have had my own Internet connection and all the time in the world to indulge.

This but anyway today has been okay, and hopefully tomorrow will be to. But I just really need to play it by ear and take it day by day. I'm gonna try make the effort to post more on here as well, as I let that slip previously. I also have an accountability partner and that has also been helping as well. Last night I also rule out a bit of a life vision. Nothing massively groundbreaking or earthshattering. But help me remember everything I've been working towards recently, as well as remind me of how far I have come over the last couple of years even if that has included relapses.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #39 on: December 30, 2018, 07:04:33 PM »
Today was day three of the latest reboot attempt.

It's been quite up-and-down to be honest. Managed to keep myself fairly occupied with some voluntary work that I do plus went to the gym. But this evening has been quite difficult, not so much due to urges more so down to mood. I think part of the is the usual post-orgasmic withdrawal. I had the sort of high from the relapse, but now it's all hitting home. However part of that is due to something else, which in itself I think has been responsible for the latest cycle of relapses to an extent.

Keeping quite a long story short, I had a massive fallout with my brother a couple of years ago. Basically because I was doing some voluntary work that was related to mental health which is something I'm interested in having gone through mental health difficulties myself. It was thanks to no fap reboots in the past that I began to realise these difficulties and took steps to remedy them by seeing a counsellor. My brother took issue with me being open about these things and was somewhat nasty to me. So we fell out. My mom and my sister decided not to get involved, which I can partly understand. However this is largely due to the fact that they often appease him as he's been shit bag to them as well in the past. Anyhow because of the fallout I was not invited to my mom's house for Christmas this year as he was going. I found this out back in November. To be completely honest it's not been an easy thing to deal with. And as Christmas got closer it lingered on my mind a lot more and upset me a lot more. On top of that however no one else in the family actually asked me how I was feeling about it. It was just kind of swept under the carpet. Coupled with this over the actual Christmas period, I have had no contact from my sister. I kinda just wanted to keep myself to myself over Christmas anyway, but this is just completely weird and there's no explanation for it. The whole thing's been fucking with my head for the last month or so but it's got even worse this last week. So I think in part this has fuelled my cycle of relapse recently. And it's been tough. Not just the relapse but the family bull shit as well.

Throughout my life family has been a major cause of stress for me. Going back to when I was younger with the abuse and stress that my dad caused, followed then by the stress of my parents divorcing then my brother being somewhat dysfunctional. My family sweep things under the carpet and are not very good at listening or facing difficulties. Recent events are a prime example. That's not to say that relapsing is their fault. I have to take responsibility for my actions. However I do feel what happened recently has really dragged me down. Today it really struck me that certian relationships have maybe changed beyond recognition, namely that of the one I have with my sister. Previously we used to get on quite well. But since the fall it was my brother she has been a little bit distant, and recent events has really brought that to a head.

So today that's been on my mind quite a lot. I had to text her earlier because my grandad is in hospital. She replied acknowledging the news but when I sent another reply saying that I had some Christmas money for her daughters she didn't bother going back to me. Might not seem a lot, but for me it is a tell-tale sign. I was very upset earlier on. I went for a long walk and found myself in tears on the way home. I felt a bit better for letting it out, but I do feel there is probably more coming. I will be really pleased when this festive season is over and I can get stuck into my new job and back to university! Things I really can connect with, because sadly at the moment family is not one of them.

So that's how I've been feeling today. Not great. But at least it's real. Added to that I have managed not to relapse, although I've not even been thinking that much about poor and really other than the odd flicker across my mind. But I know the next week could be quite tough emotionally, not just with what's been going on but with what I know to expect from the initial withdrawal.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #40 on: January 01, 2019, 06:50:02 PM »
Today would be day 5 of the reboot, and happy New Year to anybody that is reading!

Been feeling quite good today actually. Had a good night last night for New Year's Eve. But also managed to sort a few things out with my mum and my sister regarding a bit of a fallout with had during the Christmas period, as mentioned in the previous post. It's taken a bit of a weight off my mind made me feel a bit better.

Not really had much in the way of urges or anything, but have had the odd fantasy flick through my mind. I think it's important for me to remember that whilst I can feel like using Palmer feel really down to feel better, I can also be guilty of moral licensing and allowing myself to have a peek when I feel really good thinking it will have no effect. It's never the case! But I have a lot of things I want to work towards in the next month, that should be setting me up for the rest of the year. An porn really is not something that can help with this at all. In fact it's a given that porn use would be detrimental to success, so in part that's a bit of a motivation for me. But it's still early days, I know those flat lines and all that stuff to look forward to. But despite some hardships over the Christmas period, and feeling at least starting to build a bit of consistency and my brain are starting to fix onto the idea that I want to do this. Not that when I relapsed it's not thinking that I want to do overall, but the old porn patterns are still getting the better of me.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #41 on: January 06, 2019, 05:38:08 PM »
So I'm on day nine of the reboot so far.

It's been a little bit up and down the last few days. And there has been a couple times a corpus of Peking and in touching myself. Hard to see how close I was getting to through on relapse, but all the same is bad enough. Peking is my major issue. Giving myself the excuse to have a quick look at something thinking it will be fine, but all the while it will not be at all. It's the classic sign of an addict! You think you're improving in doing so well, then before you know it you get ahead of yourself start doing stupid stuff.

I'm fully aware though that Peking and even touching myself, even if I'm not looking at porn, as a reaction to something. By that I mean a coping mechanism. Obviously I was quite stressed over Christmas time is there was a lot of family things going on. But these last few days I've been quite anxious because I start a new job tomorrow (Monday) and its potentially going to lead to me moving to a new city. Which is a completely new beginning for me. And as bringing out a lot of anxiety. I been especially aware of this because I've been getting up late in the mornings. And in some ways I've been trying not to face certain things that might provoke that anxiety. Even though I'm fully aware that by doing that makes it worse. Not that that's an excuse, but at least let me see clearly that I do use porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism.

Even so, I have managed nine days without any fool on  PMO. I if at the very least this it's helping me start to identify things such as stress and anxiety, it's a start. As when I've been full on addicted all it's done is make me numb.

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #42 on: January 06, 2019, 06:27:50 PM »
That's right, man. When the brain is starved of porn, it begs you to do anything for a micro-dose of dopamine. This means that things like peeking and edging (which might seem harmless to you as you think you can control them easily) become very tempting and that's how you crack the dam and the river floods everything. That's how I relapsed yesterday. I fell (for how many times?) into this trap of thinking that a little edging will only bring me a little rush but I will stop easily. This led to watching porn and then masturbation. Then you sit there, depressed, asking why you did it. Any peeking, edging, touching your dick (to see if it's working), anything of this kind should be avoided completely. Why sabotage yourself? You have 9 days which is a good start. Don't fall into traps. I did and now I have to start over again which pisses me off. Do you want to know how I relapsed? I was in the middle of an urge and the idea of getting a hard on without touching my dick seemed exciting. Then this led to watching porn and edging which eventually ended with relapse. How many times do I have to do stupid things like that? "See if I can get a hard on without touching myself, see this, see that..." I can't believe it.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #43 on: January 08, 2019, 05:30:55 PM »
So today was truly the worst for a while. As peaking an edging nearly led me to relapse, although I managed to stop myself in time. But it wasn't nice. I had a mood like a tornado for most of the day, although it's managed to calm down.

This is the biggest obstacle I have at the moment. Peaking and edging. In previous rebates have been able to kick this fairly quickly, and carry out a relative hard mode approach. Although it must be said I have relapsed, but managed to achieve a lot through such reboots. By the moment I just keep polluting my reboot attempts with peaking and edging. It's really annoying.

I think in some ways I've been using it to cope with stress. I didn't have a particularly easy Christmas due to family politics. I also started a new job on Monday, and had the mother of all anxiety the night before resulting in a sleepless night. However the first day went really well. And it's a job is gonna bring me a lot of experience to help me work towards something I really want to get into, which is clinical psychology. Something I could never have thought of when I was still the worst of my porn addiction some five or six years ago. I also start back at university on Monday, and I'm a bit nervous about that as this semester will be a bit more hard going. So I know I have been using porn masturbation orgasm and peaking and edging as a way of trying to cope with it. But it doesn't cope with it, it just makes it  a lot bloody worse. But this is definitely the biggest obstacle I face at the moment in terms of my reboot.

In general my moods been quite up-and-down anyway. I have also been getting really bad brain fog, I think in that period in a reboot (despite peaking etc) where a bit emotionally hammered anyway. I feel at some point and this can have a massive outburst of tears. When that is however, I'm not quite sure. But when it does God knows will probably feel better, even if just for a little while.

The biggest thing that is annoying me over the last two years of what and so much of my life, I do sometimes feel that letting porn creep back in as it has over the last year or so, and getting back into cycles of relapse, puts all at risk. I really wish I'd kicked this may be two or three years ago. But here I am still plugging away at it. I know it's worth it. I just wish I wasn't screwing myself over so fucking much!

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #44 on: January 08, 2019, 05:47:36 PM »
I have trouble regulating edging as well. I just relapsed 3 days ago because of this. But I always binge when I relapse. That day I didn't binge which gave me urges all day and I binged the next day to satisfy them. Just like that, a roller coaster that only went downwards. I had to get pissed off and start the hard mode to feel some strength.

If I don't go all the way, edging and watching P messes me up for the rest of the day. It does something in the brain or whatever. And I have the great habit of doing this early in the day because I don't like doing it when I'm tired. You may ask why. The biggest reason why I PMO is seeking the greatest "high". That's why I started going days without it just to build up the urges. Waiting days was initially a way to have stronger urges, not a way to quit or reduce. I always look for the "perfect conditions" for me to experience a great arousal and a great O. If I'm tired, I can't really arouse myself too well so that's why I don't do it in the evening. And in the evening would be better because it wouldn't mess up the rest of my day.

But anyway, I was talking about past. Now hard mode and that's it. I don't want that anymore.

The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Peace \/


Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #45 on: January 09, 2019, 01:20:02 AM »
The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Without a doubt, this is correct. I know for sure I have been using it as a coping mechanism for other things recently. What is most frustrating tho is that when I stop, like in the past when I have had good streaks, I have been able to sort such things out. SO whilst Porn addiction may not be the cause of depression and anxiety, it never ever helps and only makes it worse. If only I could remind myself of that in the moment tho when I decide peeking and edging would be a good idea. Sometimes I can, but others I really struggle.

changemylife

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #46 on: January 09, 2019, 05:02:20 AM »
PMO definitely makes anxiety worse. And you get in that vicious circle: You PMO thinking you relax the anxiety but the anxiety gets worse then you PMO again.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #47 on: January 09, 2019, 05:25:42 PM »
Yes I agree completely. It makes anxiety and stress a lot worse by far.

I think part of my problem is to fly relapse early on in reboot attempts, is because after the relapse for a couple of days you might feel down then you start to feel a lot better. And this can go on for about a week or so. In a normal reboot where not peaking or edging, I usually find after two weeks you go om a little bit of a downer again. In some ways this is the start of the flat line and the withdrawals. I'm finding that this is where I start to get a bit jittery, I think subconsciously the one thing for porn kicks in kicks in, to try and take me off any downer. Also sometimes if I feel really good, I think moral licensing gets in the way. This is when I feel because I've done so well, I can almost get away with it "just this once". Either way I end up fucking myself over!

At least that's something I started to notice. I just need to start noticing it when I'm about to start flapping to porn again, then hopefully can stop me in my tracks.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #48 on: January 12, 2019, 06:58:34 PM »
Relapsed again to day. Had 15 days clean but fucked it today.

Had a long and tiring but constructive week. Slept in this morning but procrastination took me down a slippery slope.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Needing to Heal
« Reply #49 on: January 14, 2019, 05:44:00 PM »
Unfortunately relapsed again today. I masturbated this morning till I came, and then PMO this evening. Feel like such a fucking idiot for it. But I've only got myself to blame.

I have quite a lot going on at the moment. A new job, looking for somewhere else to live in a new city, and I just started university again for this semester. So in a lot of ways I know it's been a coping mechanism for stress. But that's not an excuse!

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is wrong. There is a reason I keep relapsing, but I can't quite work out. Temptation and horniness is not the only one anyway. I am definitely feeling a bit of disconnect and stress, which is quite annoying considering I have a lot of constructive things going on that I do feel connection with. Although I am aware that when I go to university and go to my job and quite happy with things, but when I come back home into my apartment I do start to feel lonely and a little bit like I still have 1 foot in the past. But the same time, this is also been the place to have had the most success on no fap. But then again I could chew my brain up about this round and round in circles.

The bottom line is though I relapsed, I feel stupid for it, but there is no point in beating myself up (or beating myself off, excuse the pun). But it is frustrating especially the seem to still be in a bit of a cycle of this, and I also realised I do feel a bit of numbness about it as well. But tomorrow is another day and all I can do is try and pick myself up again.