Author Topic: Journal to Freedom  (Read 425 times)

EworCaz

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Journal to Freedom
« on: July 18, 2019, 10:54:59 PM »
Here I am again and for the first time. The last time I tried this I was in a different age bracket. Now 31 I am at rock bottom. In 12 step support groups they say we choose our rock bottom. Now is the time.

I broke up with my girlfriend over my porn addiction. June 30th I told her for the third time in 3 years that I was quitting porn for good, and once again I got the same knee jerk response. She shamed me. She took it personally. In the past I pointed her toward the books to read and the YouTube channels to watch, but she still doesn’t get it. She doesn’t quite understand addiction in general. I’m in long term recovery, and she’s gotten drunk around me several times. It only bothers me sometimes, but it’s not exactly the most supportive way to love an addict. She claims I’m emotionally distant, and she’s right.

Porn has a strangle hold on my capacity for empathy. My affect is blunted. My work ethic bare minimum. I explained to her quitting would change that and I need her support to get through it. She said she couldn’t handle it and she just doesn’t want anything to do with that aspect of my life. So I told her it’s probably best if we split. She agreed. We are both 50/50 on our pros and cons lists. So here I am some 18 days later and I’m still PMOing. The only difference is she’s gone.

I’ve been keeping my apartment cleaner, and been cooking more meals at home instead of ordering delivery, but I’m still PMOing. It’s still a major zap on my motivation at work. All the coffee in the world won’t lift the fog, and I’ve been sleeping straight through my alarm. The truth is I haven’t been sleeping as much as passing out in a porn induced coma in bed every night. That’s nothing new though.

 I want to remain single to work on myself. I want my life to be about me again. I want to play more music, go to more meetings, be a better coworker, and eventually to the right woman a better lover. My on day one as of right now is to lift this mental fog. When I feel as though it’s lifted I will set a new goal, perhaps practicing more empathy, or Exercising more. But for now I want to keep it so simple.

This is truly just for today. I don’t know if I can stay clean tomorrow, but right now I’m determined.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2019, 01:01:32 AM »
Day 2
Feeling some physical symptoms -restless legs, and some mental symptoms -agitation.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

stepbystep

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2019, 07:42:45 PM »
You definitely got this! I'm also in this with you so let's do it! Keep us posted on your progress.
Trying to quit since 2004. In recovery since December 2011. Mostly porn-free since August 2012. Completely porn-free since October 10, 2019.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2019, 12:47:24 AM »
Day 3 - feeling a bit more energetic. Starting to feel my Libido reawaken. In public  I’ve been staring at women a little longer than I should. Still looking at them like objects - pornifying them in my mind. Had a bit of brain fog today. Couldn’t quite find the words I wanted to use when talking to people.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2019, 05:04:54 PM »
Missed day 4 but it was good. Went into the recording studio, and laid down some tracks. When I got home I had a strong urge to use porn, but instead I masturbated in the shower. Dear Jesus did that feel good. I’m still on the fence as to whether or not I want to quit PMO or just P.

DAY 5 -

I feel a lot of anxiety today. This morning when I got to work I kept having this subtle  feeling like I just saw or did something bad on my phone. I don’t know why but I felt impending doom related to my phone or something on it. Probably because I used my phone for porn. I feel this anxiety again right now. I feel this impending doom or shame and guilt. Nothing prompted this. It just came on all the sudden. My ex messaged me earlier and I can’t think of what to say back to her. she asked me how I was doing. I’m in a weird head space.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2019, 09:00:57 PM »
Day - 6

I’m white knuckling it here. Work was awful today. My brain and body were exhausted. I suppose I should count myself lucky that my restless legs start up mid day and not when I’m trying to go to sleep. Again I am doing a porn reboot. I’m still MOing every day. It’s especially nice in the shower after a long day. Helps me feel more relaxed. I’ve seen a couple stimulating images on accident over the past couple days. It’s particularly difficult for me to use Instagram for that reason. In the past I cut out social media and it helped tremendously. I can’t really do that again because I use social media to promote my music. It’s a necessary evil. I have curtailed my use of social media a little bit. I’m using my phone a lot less over the past week according to iPhone screen time. This shit is difficult but I’m pressing on.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2019, 04:37:09 PM »
Day - 7

I can’t believe I made it a week. This is so crazy. I haven’t made it this far in a long time. Maybe in over a year. I just went on an Xxx site and disabled my subscription. I will probably hop on here later and write some more. I just wanted to stay accountable up to this point in the day.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

Pete McVries

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2019, 07:04:02 AM »
Congratulations!

If you have any porn data left or other subscriptions (even free accounts on porn tubes), I'd recommend to cancel and delete them all. Any (drug) addict should get rid of all addiction related things first thing once he enters recovery.
nine months clean and counting...

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2019, 03:02:15 PM »
Day - 8

Asian massage parlor
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2019, 11:50:17 PM »
Day - 9

Thanks so much Pete. I can’t believe its day 9 already.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2019, 05:59:41 PM »
Day - 10

Sleeping has been weird. I've been having crazy dreams, and I've been getting to bed earlier and waking up feeling more well rested, however I'm tossing and turning a lot in the night.

I'm also feeling some sexual frustration. When I see a HB walking down the street, or see some girl on social media with cleavage showing, or a nice bubble butt in tight pants I'm just like GOD DAMN IT. >:(

Day - 11

I had a little MO and then went to the grocery store. I was very distracted by all of the women in there. It's like im seeing the opposite sex for the first time. Every single one of them is just so frustratingly sexy. On my way home I was once again distracted and i shit you not rear ended the car in front of me causing that car to rear end the next one. I everyone was okay, and there was minimal damage to the other vehicles. My vehicle sustained the most damage. I have good insurance so all is well. I just feel really shaky and kind of out of it right now.

Funny i was hungry before i left for the grocery, and when i got home and filed a claim i noticed i was extremely shaky but had no appetite. I forced myself to eat something, and have not stopped eating since. I've munched myself into a food coma twice today.

In other news, I got a random boner while watching a tv show and texting a girl today. That NEVER happens.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2019, 10:08:05 PM »
Day - 12

I’m getting close to the two week mark, which is when I normally relapse. I know that secretly this is some imaginary milestone that My addiction is using to creating to stir doubt. But it’s there. So I’m going to use this entry to discuss the benefits I’ve experienced so far from rebooting.

My appetite is under control. Bad foods go hand in hand with my porn addiction. Eating a big fat large pizza and using porn shoots me up with enough dopamine to make me pass out very similarly to what I’ve experienced in my long ago use of opiates. Again I have over a decade in recovery from drugs/alcohol so I know what I’m talking about here. Thankfully my appetite is at this moment no longer paired with a hardcore porn binge and for that I am grateful. My diet isn’t perfect, but I’m cooking my meals now instead of offing takeout every day.

My sleep is more restful. I’m not drugging myself to sleep with porn before bed. I wake up feeling like I actually slept and not passed out as if I’d taken an ambien.

I have energy during the day. At work I’ve been killing it. I’ve been more active and more helpful to my coworkers and clients. I also have more time for activities because I’m not burning daylight by jerking it.

My mood has improved. I don’t feel stressed and tired all day. I’m being more mindful of what I say to people at work, and more helpful I think. I typically snap at people or I’m short with them when it comes to something that doesn’t include me staring at my phone. People are taking notice and my excuse is that I feel liberated since my breakup. I’m not sweaty and anxious every moment I’m in public.

My libido is back. I’m talking to girls and I have a date tomorrow. She said she doesn’t want to go out. She said she just wants to come over and Netflix and chill. Her words not mine. I think that means she wants to het busy. She’s physically not my type BUT I hope whatever develops will serve as an opportunity for me to practice kindness and presence. Sure, for the most part I feel like a lustful animal, but I know in my heart that this too shall pass and I’ll come around to a healthy outlook on women.

I’m being more kind, patient and loving to my dog. This falls under mood but this relationship is so important to me, and I feel I’m finally able to be the human she deserves.

The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2019, 10:23:46 PM »
Day - 13

I’ve been super active on social media today, flipping between snap, fb, and Instagram unconsciously looking for babes, or incidental nudes. The high I’m seeking is the oops I accidentally see a nipple on Instagram. Pathetic. As I said before I need to use these media apps to promote my music, but damn some days I can’t seem to put them down. This entry serves as a brief Reprieve from the mindless scrolling through photos and posts. Still rebooting, taking it one day at a time. This is when shit starts to get hard.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #13 on: August 01, 2019, 08:56:42 AM »
Day - 14

Okay two weeks has passed and all the sudden this reboot seems. Lost feelings are reawakening. My mind is dreaming more actively at night. Every woman with a fat ass takes my breath away. Talking to women is so stimulating. Last night I went to a party and making women laugh was my elixir. Everyone else had their weed and beer but my drug of choice was causing them pleasure with my words. I made one woman laugh so hard I thought she was going to piss herself. That felt really good. I am also experiencing some longing and loneliness. I feel sadness or some small grief over the breakup with my ex. It’s been about a month now since the breakup, and now with two weeks into my reboot I’m just now feeling the pain.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #14 on: August 02, 2019, 11:22:45 PM »
Day - 15 / 16

Almost had a serious relapse today. I’ve been trying to boost my Band's insta account to get up over a thousand followers. In the process I’ve been adding a lot of strangers. It turns out I accidentally added a model who sells nudes independently thru one of those DIY porn websites. Turns out she’s a local chick. Turns out I know her. This is a huge kink for me. I stared at her instagram page a lot longer than I’m proud to admit. I had a strong urge to subscribe to her site but I unfollowed and put my phone aside for a bit. I rubbed one out without my phone around and that quickly brought me to my senses. I had a very stressful meeting at work today so it’s no surprise my brain went there but I am proud that I didn’t masturbate to that page. I have to say out loud as soon as I get that high arousal looking at insta pages that “this is porn”. It seems like as soon as I say it there’s a little bit of clarity that returns.

I realize that my method of rebooting without porn but with MO is unorthodox, and I hope it doesn’t trigger someone to use when they  read my posts. I believe in a PMO reboot. I really do think it’s the best way. It’s just not the way I’m doing it this time. I think eventually I’ll get tired to MO without P and I’ll either relapse on P or I’ll quit MO. I need time.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #15 on: August 06, 2019, 09:52:51 PM »
Day - 1 PMO REBOOT

Yesterday would have been 19 days. I got caught up looking at modeling photos on fb. That lead me to modeling sites. That lead me to porn. It’s apparent to me now that I need to do a real PMO reboot.
So here I am again at day one. Going back to my daily porn habit is not an option. I must step it up. My strategy is to monitor my social media use more closely, and take it more seriously. No more jerking off without porn either. At the moment I dont have any prospects of getting laid and I’m fine with that. If I do I’m going to cum. Otherwise no more orgasms for me. I feel empowered by the past 19 days. I’ll use this as motivation to step up my game and get serious about this reboot. Wish me luck!
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2019, 06:20:54 PM »
08/22/2019
Day - 2
I was miraculously able to abstain from P yesterday despite a 16 day setback. Things got dark this time. The porn I use is extreme and definitely causes some increased anxiety both as I’m using it and through my day to day life. If it weren’t for the YBOP book I would be really beating myself up. I know now that the increased anxiety is a part of obtaining the high. My threshold for what causes anxiety has increased as my tolerance has increased. Chasing this ghost is not something I’m willing to do today. Plus I have a girl coming over later. I need to have my eye on the prize.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

stepbystep

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #17 on: August 26, 2019, 12:47:15 AM »
Hang in there. Stay positive. It takes a while for the addiction to go away. Keep up the good work!
Trying to quit since 2004. In recovery since December 2011. Mostly porn-free since August 2012. Completely porn-free since October 10, 2019.

EworCaz

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2019, 01:09:37 AM »
Day - 0
The PIED is back. I haven’t had this problem since way back when I discovered YBOP.
I just had a young lady over and couldn’t perform. I have a headache now. The more I worried about the ED the worse it got. Could only get hard from manual stim. Once I was in I went soft. I don't really feel a connection w this person anyway. Am I capable of a connection? I wouldn’t have invited her over. She just invited herself over at 11 at night when I’d already PMO’d today. This addiction really is insidious. Here’s to a fresh start tomorrow. I wanna get back to my humanity.
The only thing you need to change is EVERYTHING.

The Unhappy Fapper

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Re: Journal to Freedom
« Reply #19 on: August 29, 2019, 02:02:29 PM »
Hang in there Ewor man. Is there any way for you to completely cut yourself off from temptation on the net as well as groupies so you can focus on recovery?