Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

Hello all.

So I didn’t think i'd be back in this position again again, but alas I am!

I started rebooting n 2014 and built some success ans streaks and sorted out a LOT in my life. But over the last year or so, I’ve got back to a cycle of going a few weeks and relapsing. And recently, its got worse again. I feel like a bit of a failure for getting so far then falling back again. But I know there is no benefit to beating my self up. My latest relapse was today and the last couple of weeks especially I have been quite bad.

A bit of back ground: I'm 34 years old. I've had girlfriends but never properly had sex. I'm a self confessed nightmare with women. My upbringing consisted of a very abusive (physically and psychologically) father which then resulted in a messy parental divorce then being brought up by my mum. I told my dad to fuck off many years ago, He's a waste of space and time. I'm also dyslexic and only found out when I was 22. So as you can imagine i got a pounding at school from teachers and always thought I was stupid, even after graduating from university. I have had no real career to speak of, though recently quit my job to go back to university and study Psychology (started the course last week). A couple of years ago I had therapy for depression and anxiety which really helped . I never discussed the porn issues but covered a lot of childhood and dyslexia issues. I've also go more into things that interest me like joining toastmasters, outdoor stuff like camping and planning to go back to university. But, the porn monster has reared its head again. I really don’t want it to screw me over again and I’m starting to feel It will.

My big problem at th moment is trying to find ways round the open DNS blocker I have installed. From using yahoo images and duck duck go search engines without filters to even downloading a Tor browser to access porn sites. I'm not particularly proud of the last one as it basically like having no filter again. I also have an issue with masturbating first thing in the morning and rationalizing this is ok as its not with porn. Not that I have an issue with masturbation without porn per se, but its doing me no real favors. As i'm not working at the moment and studying, I am at home alot and using my computer to do university work. So i am getting triggered a bit mroe, tho as I said, I have been in a cycle of it for a year now having previously done well. Its especially frustrating as i have changed so much in my life but seem to be creeping back to the old habits when the going gets a little tough.

So here I go again! I want to properly cast of the shackles of this and move forward.

Thanks

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was the first day of my new reboot. Felt ok, not much to report.

I did however have a good think about what can cuase me to relapse and came up with a few things.

1) I let myself edge without porn a lot. Whilst this is effectively not using porn, it keeps leading to relapse. I have tried rationalizing this as just masturbating but I end up doing it a few times a day, especially in the morning. So it needs to stop. Whilst I may come back to masturbation (no pun intended) one day, I need to reboot first as this is definitely adding to the cycle i'm trapped in.

2) I edge a lot int he mornings. Usually this happens when I wake up before my alarm or have a lie in. But rather than going back to sleep I end up fapping. The solution to this is to get up and just start the day. If i beat the alarm by half an hour, so be it!

3) I occasionally nap during the day. Sometimes I just lie on the couch. Other times I go to bed. Often when I go to bed I end up edging. Again this is not to porn but its not helping at the moment. So naps have to be on the couch. On top of that I am going to tinker with my sleep pattern to see if I can avoid the day naps. As i'm dyslexic tho It can help me if i have been studying all day and my head is fried.

4) If im tired an on my computer for long periods of time, i can find myself slipping into peaking. I often rationalize it by telling myself its just a peak. I have even told myself that relapse is part of the process which is completely stupid!!! So i need to shut the lap top more when I get to this stage and do something else. even leave the house for 10 mins and walk around outside.

I'm also chronically lonley. I've always been a bit of a loan wolf. So connection is important. i know this has been a factor in me fantasizing a lot.

Abyhow, that came to mind today so thought it was wortht he post. If anyone has any other advice, feel free to chip in. From previous reboot experience I know whats what to an extent. I just need to find my kicking point with this and get properly stuck in.

[Sentimental_geek]

And so, day 2.

Well, today has bee up and down. I started university recently, studying a masters in Psychology. Its my first time studying since 2006. I had all the will and motivation int he world when I started. But i'm feeling very overwhelmed and struggling a bit to adapt to the change as well as pick it up as a new subject. I'm not always the best at asking for help, mainly because I got shut down a lot as a kid being 1) am unknown dyslexic kid at school who people thought was stupid and 2) having a dad that really didn't care. In situations where I feel pressured this comes flooding back. Thanks to therapy I have got better at dealing with it. But its still hard. I left university today feeling a bit frustrated. And when I did some more studying later tonight, I felt the same again as I didn't understand part of what i was doing.

There is a lot running though my mind as well. Since I started nofap in 2013, I have changed a lot. Mostly for the better it must be said. I've got fitter, healthier and looked for new starts and opportunities in life. Hence my decision to start studying again. But alas, in the mess of a cycle of relapse, I'm feeling shit about things again. Thats if i'm feeling at all. I struggle to let things out at times and I don't have many people around to let it out to. I have this I guess. But there is a deep loneliness in me.

I did feel better for a bit earlier when i went for a run. I'm glad I did that as its a good release.
But there is a feeling today that I have risked so much being stuck in relapse and I worry its beginning to encroach onto so many other things i'm trying to achive.

So, yeah.....bit of a shit one!

[BabySteps]

Hey Sentimental_geek

We are in this together buddy.
I suggest jogging more often, make it part of your weekly schedule. 3 to 4 times can really boost in help us gain control.

[Sentimental_geek]

Thanks for the reply BabySteps. Its much appreciated.

So I have made it a week with no PMO 

Its been an interesting week. I have had chronic Insomnia. At times i've had about 2 hours sleep maximum. Thats sucked but i'm prepared to ride it out as part of the process. Often I would masturbate (without porn) when i cant sleep but didnt resort to it. I had a job interview on friday as well so there was some stress about that. It went well but i'll wait and see. Not sure how much i want the actual job.

I've been quite up and down over all though. At times due to the insomnia it felt like i was running on adrenaline which is really weird feeling. It was like something was trapped inside me. untill, friday evening, I was listening to music and i just burst into tears. I must have cried for nearly an hour. Properly heart wrenching shallow breathing bawling my eyes out crying. And I just let myself do it. No holding back. Let it all out! Its happened every time i've done nofap to be honest. Its almost as if the numbness of being a porn addict is starting to lift and you can start to feel again. And despite it was crying, I felt much better for it! I know it will happen again in this journey. But given the cycle of relapse ive been in, I had become aware that I was getting numbed again. At times I was even trying ti make myself cry but couldn't. In the back of my head it was because I knew PMO addiction was gripping me again and it definitely blunts your emotions and stops you seeing the beauty in things. I have also seen a lot of change in my life this year, thanks in part by the seeds sown by earlier no PMO attempts. Its been a lot to take in and at times overwhelming. Again, I feel my emotions on this had been a bit blunted by my addiction. So, out it came. I slept a bit better last night as well. Not perfect, but better.

I have had some urges, but staving them off ok. Having university work and preparing for the job interview helped to keep me occupied. Being occupied is key, especially now as i have some big goals to achieve that I know I can get so much from as they are really striking a chord with my values.

[Sentimental_geek]

Just a quick update for today. After the floods of tears on Friday I do feel better and sleeping has improved a fair bit. Its also strongly reminded me that reboots can be an emotional shit storm, but they are really for the better. Within that, its important to remember its for the long haul. Its important to take it week, day, hour even minute at a time. But its also important not to get lost in a moment when it may be tough. I feel that's been my issue with relapse over the last year. If things get tough or I get urges, I let them get the better of me in that moment and rationalize that I can just pick it up again tomorrow. But that kept on going. I can see that more clearly now. Taken a while but I get it. Slightly annoying as the years where I was having reboot success it was blatantly obvious. But alas, i'm learning again. So I head in to week two!

[Reformed Fapper]

Yeah it can be tough, escpecially in the first phase - the first week or so. But yeah as you said, no matter how shitty you feel now, its nothing compared to how youd feel if you PMO. Just always keep on your mind the massive payoff you will undoubtedly get as you make some good progress in your reboot!

[Sentimental_geek]

Yeah it can be tough, escpecially in the first phase - the first week or so. But yeah as you said, no matter how shitty you feel now, its nothing compared to how youd feel if you PMO. Just always keep on your mind the massive payoff you will undoubtedly get as you make some good progress in your reboot!

Thanks for your support, and you are right!

So been OK over the last few days. BUT, I did peek a little today. Nothing extreme, just rubbish on pinterest. I have blocked it now using a domain blocker as its full of crap anyway. But It does go to show when things get the better of me. I was doing work for university. I should have taken a break away from my computer but alas, slipped. But that's all it was and I took control.

One thing i have noticed a bit is my brain being easily distracted a bit more at the moment. Which occasionally leads me into procrastination. I know from previous reboots that this is a common phase. A kind of brain fog, not dissimilar to when you are actively PMOing but oblivious to its effects. As mentioned before I've been in a cycle of relapsing after a week to 2 weeks so feeling a need to be very cautious over the next week. To day was a bit of a scare in that sense.

But alas, on wards and upwards. It will get worse before it gets better!

[Sentimental_geek]

So nearly reached 2 weeks. This week as definitely been much harder. I have peeked a couple of times and also touched myself too. But no full on relapse.

My brain is definitely a bit scattered at them moment. I feel myself being very impulsive and also getting urges a lot which I think is playing a role in peeking/touching. I'm also getting a bit agitated and my mood is up and down a bit too. Running, meditation and cold showers are helping. I hadn’t done cold showers much but I have given them a shot over the last few days, just for about a minute or so and I feel really good after them. So that helps. But i'm definitely struggling a bit. I feel quite lonely too. Porn has played havoc with my love life, or there lack of! At times I feel I’ve missed so much and it gets me down. I know ultimately the only way to improve that is to keep going with NOFAP. I had been chatting to a couple of girls off and on that I matched with on dating apps a few months ago. I haven’t got round to meeting them yet tho. One is keen to meet up but lives in another city. She seems lovely. But, I just don’t have the motivation for it. I know that sounds silly as its a potential real thing. But what having started a reboot, started university, and not working at the moment so not having huge amounts of money, I just don’t feel up for it. I also feel a bit guilty as we'd been chatting for a while. We were supposed to meed a few weeks back but she was not feeling well. But the wind has fallen out the sails of this one for me. 

I feel i'm on the verge of another emotional outburst. A good old cry! I probably need it. Over the last year of circulating relapses I have felt more emotionally numb. At least now i'm starting to FEEL again, even if it means feeling like shit!

[the_terrible_one]

I'm a week behind you however I haven't touched myself or peeked but I can definitely relate to the scatter brained-ness and mood swings. And can definitely really relate to feeling lonely. I think I'd like a partner to go through this process with but at the same time, I also think it would be beneficial for me to be good and over the worst of it before I embark on that journey. Especially with how unmotivated I am to do anything right now. With regards to the emotional string pulling, I think its just withdrawal trying to pull tricks on you. I'm noticed my brain earlier suggested I have a look and I didn't really consciously know it made that request if that makes sense. I didn't look and ignored the voice, especially as I've found it relatively easy not to look so far. I knew one look would make me feel much better but I'd rather be miserable and on noPMO, than jubilant for 5 seconds and then beating myself up for weeks until I slump back into old habits. Eyes on the prize S_G!

Haha, and don't cry! You'll set me off...!!! Keep going man, you're doing great.

[Sentimental_geek]

I'm a week behind you however I haven't touched myself or peeked but I can definitely relate to the scatter brained-ness and mood swings. And can definitely really relate to feeling lonely. I think I'd like a partner to go through this process with but at the same time, I also think it would be beneficial for me to be good and over the worst of it before I embark on that journey. Especially with how unmotivated I am to do anything right now. With regards to the emotional string pulling, I think its just withdrawal trying to pull tricks on you. I'm noticed my brain earlier suggested I have a look and I didn't really consciously know it made that request if that makes sense. I didn't look and ignored the voice, especially as I've found it relatively easy not to look so far. I knew one look would make me feel much better but I'd rather be miserable and on noPMO, than jubilant for 5 seconds and then beating myself up for weeks until I slump back into old habits. Eyes on the prize S_G!

Haha, and don't cry! You'll set me off...!!! Keep going man, you're doing great.

Haha, Try as hard as you can not to peek. It will fuck you over! And, cry if you need to. Best letting it out.

Felt a little more balanced today. Wrote down a to do list for the week. Big part of it is updating my CV and also job hunting. This is a massive area of my life where I have underachieved due to lack of confidence and willingness to go for what I want. Whilst thats changed in part by going back to studying, I still have a lot of fear when It comes to job hunting and interviews. Porn has played a part in that in the past. Both being an escape from searching for jobs but also being an escape when I did crap jobs I hated and watched others doing well. In previous reboots over the years I have I have managed to better a lot of my life in steps. I'm starting to feel this is the area to look at as I have success with this one. Its one step at a time but its a barrier that needs broken.

I think a bit thing at the moment is in acknowledging I have done 2 weeks, I slightly regret the failed attempts of the past. I also feel its very much day, hour and even minute at a time. Urges can strike at any time so staying occupied is key. In a way I'm waiting for a proper flow to catch me so I can really start kicking ass. In previous reboots i've called it my kicking point...when you properly kick on and the thought of porn basically vanishes. May sound strange for a serial relapser but it is there. But at the moment Its like it may get worse before it gets better.

So onwards to week 3. My challenge this week is to avoid peeking and touching myself. Not that its a huge issue, but i've deactivated my facebook for the time being as of today. I deleted the app from my phone a while back so that cut its use way down, plus not having a boring job helps too. But I need to cut online procrastination. I've also blocked pinterest as I use that as a porn substitute, albeit a vanilla one. I have open DNS blocking all other porn and have done for a while and safe search installed on web search engines. As for touching myself, the peak times for this is either in the mornings If i wake and dont get up straight away and also if i'm on my computer in my PJ's. Usually this is because i'm doing uni work but there comes a time my mind wanders then I opt for a peek and a, well, you can guess the rest. So for this its get up straight away, meditation, shower, changed THEN I can put on the computer to do work. Also gonna try and get out the house more, even for just a 10 minute walk to break up the day and have signed up to my fitness pal to track my diet as its been a bit shit recently. Finally, i've been listening to the Will Power Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. I'd read it before and it has some fantastic advice on building willpower strength. I guessed that If I find pitfalls, rather than dwell on them its better to fine tune and adapt.

[Sentimental_geek]

After feeling a bit more balanced yesterday....I had another bout of chronic insomnia. Slept for a total of about 4 hours in 1 hour bursts. My mid was buzzing most of the night. And most of what it was buzzing about was just complete noise. Nothing depressing or even urge based. Just noise. Old pointless memories of the most random things, random subjects ans at one point i even had the song "Daisy" in my head, reminiscent of the scene in 2001: A Space odyssey when HAL9000 gets deactivated. Its been going on most of the day. It quietened down when I went for a run earlier. But honestly, it feels like a total haze. Nonsensical nonsense! I have been a little agitated at times too. Partly due to tiredness, but also due to the occasional random thought winding me up, and because in general its happening.

I have a feeling it will stay for a few days or so then hopefully pass. Just hope it does not bring more insomnia as I had it bad 2 weeks ago and it sucked! I have some sleeping tablets (non prescription ones) that I can take if need be but want to avoid that. I'm cutting calories this week too as I want to shed a little fat and I've been cutting caffine for a while. So there is possibly a few withdraws going on too.

[Reformed Fapper]

I had a similar experience while I was in the early stages of my reboot. Everytime I would relapse and start over, there would be a period of about a week from a few days after the relapse where I would wake up at 3am and not be able to go back to sleep again. Not everynight, but at least twice a week. The most ridiculous shit would assault my mind like a scene from a movie I saw a few years ago, a song I hadnt heard in years would pop into my head, or just worrying about shit that hadnt even happened yet!
This always dissappeared after a week or so as it was a symptom of withdrawal. I know it sucks balls when it happens, but Itll get better so dont worry.

[Sentimental_geek]

So last night was a not as bad but still slightly insomnia nights sleep. And the corresponding brain fog resulted in me setting off for university without my wallet which was not good as it a 30 min train ride away!

My mind is very loud at the moment. All sorts of nonsense creeps in and i'm quite irritable at times too. I dont have much in the way of urges at the moment tho. So i'd say i'm pretty well on top of them for the moment. But I dont feel great, and on top of that i'm tired. I keep having fleeting thoughts that leaving my job to go back to studying was either 1) stupid or 2) going to result in embarrassing failure and 3) opting to study part-time was the wrong choice. A lot of this is mind noise but its loud noise. I'm also worried that i'm not as motivated as I should be to find a part-time job and possibly look to move to the town I study in. I get quite hard on my self really. I also felt myself welling up a few times earlier like I could just burst in to tears. Wouldn’t be a bad thing as it lets more out at least!

Its almost as if I wish I could switch my thinking head off at the moment for a bit and get on with it. I think I had it in previous reboots tho I cant remember having quite a much insomnia. I would hope previous reboot experience would help make it easier, but if it does not I only have my slef to blame for relapsing and being here again.

So, yeah...a bit frazzled!

[Sentimental_geek]

So it occurred i'm on day 19!

Today was....tough! I had some University work to do that was quite hard. Statistical analysis methods in psychology to be precise! Its something that’s fairly new to me and so far I have been doing OK in it but hit a bit of a wall recently, mixed with overly complicating it and stressing myself. But I had a tough morning that nearly resulted in me peeking and did result in me masturbating for about 5-10 minutes but with no orgasm. Touching myself if you may. Managed to pull it together and went for a run. Half way through my run I was just about crying but managed the 5k. Went back to uni work in the afternoon and made some progress but still felt stressed and a bit confused by it. So my head was melted and I was very flip-floppy with my mood. Like, VERY! worst i'd felt in a while. And it came in quickly like a black cloud :-( In a way I’ve been expecting it. But when It hit today, it hurt! As did urges.  i didn’t do myself any favours by peeking or touching myself, but I did manage to stop myself in my tracks. Cold showers were also to the rescue!

Luckally this evening I had a shift with some voluntary work I do which got me out the house and interacting with someone else. The person i was on with is really cool and easy to have a laugh with, plus one of the others did a similar course to the one i'm doing so she had some reassuring words for the bit of Uni work i'm stuck on. After that I had a long chat on the phone with one of my best friends that I hadn’t spoken to in a few weeks. We are meeting up on Saturday to catch up properly. So that lifted my mood a LOT. Its amazing how communication helps. To connect with others is really important. I've always been a bit of a lone wolf. Quite a bit more as I’ve got older. I always found socialising hard tho at times I've been guilty of trying to get in with anyone which created a lot of false relationships. Porn is also a huge factor in disconnection and I think its effects over the years have been a negative influence in disconnecting from people and situations that would otherwise have benefited me. And of course, its led me at times to disconnect from myself. Today felt a bit like I disconnected and re-connected again, thanks to doing the things that mean something to me.

So, yeah, a bit up and down. Not sure if its the onset of a flat line. I'm still getting morning wood. As I have rebooted before and relapsed but avoided going back to the 5 times a day PMO habit I'm wondering if it will be the same as previous times? I think I had a full on flat line once. I had a 200 day streak a couple of years ago and had a hellish flat line. Was that enough? Will this one be as bad? Will it be worse? these are questions I ask myself a lot but try not to get too fixated on them. Partly because I don’t know the answer and partly because I can get annoyed with myself for relapsing previously. If anyone does know, feel free to chip in! But either way, all I can do is keep going!

[Sentimental_geek]

Day 21

So after a crap day on Thursday (day of my last post) I had a better day on Friday. But today has sucked. I peeked for a bit an masturbated/edged for a little bit. Managed to stop myself. But pissed off all the same.

I was doing some work for university using my computer. This particular project has been hard but i'm starting to make a breakthrough. My mind was starting to wander and get distracted. On top of that, a friend I was supposed to meet tonight  cancelled due to illness so I was a bit down about that. Anyhow, I letter stupidity get the better of me and started trying to torrent some porn. Watched one of them for about 3 mins and edged a little then pulled myself back from the edge, had a cold shower and went out to the gym and smashed it on a elliptical for half an hour then another cold shower when I got home. Cant underestimate the effect of exercise and cold showers to get you back on track. I also deleted any crap i tried to download and blocked the torrent site.

I think I can pin point what led to the peeking though.
1) I woke up early this morning about 40 mins before my alarm. In a half awake state I touched myself for a bit. In future I need to just get up and go about my day

2) when I was working I should have taken a break when I found my mind wandering. I have been listening to the audiobook of the Will Power Instinct by Kelly McGonigal recently and one recomendation it gives to recharge will power is to go out for a walk. I know all to well I should have done it but pushed on trying to study rather than take a break.

3) After feeling better yesterday, I was a bit of a good feelings junkie. I know this from my cycle of relapse that If i was feeling OK then I would allow myself to "get away" with fapping. But in reality, over the last 20 days i've been much more honestly in touch with my emotions compared to the last 6 months as i've started rebooting again.

So if there are any positives, and I have to look for them, then that’s them. Those 3 things I have noticed. I don’t class this as a relapse. It didnt get to the point of no return. More like stupidity that can be avoided. But he feeling I had after it was awful. Agitated, ashamed, frustrated, angry. It goes on and on. Luckally now I feel better and a bit more focused. If anything its a warning to not get complacent and switch things up when I need to.

[Sentimental_geek]

Seem to be getting waves of insomnia. Especially at the start of the week. Woke up at about 3.30am today and couldn’t get back to sleep. Extra frustrating as I was to be up early anyway (6.15). I do meditation and cold showers to help with it. But it still seems to creep in now and again. Don’t want to resort to sleeping pills but I might have to. Tiredness is a fucker for me especially as It has previously led me to relapse. Does not help with mood either 

I almost wish I could just unplug my brain. My dick is also very sensative and in my insomniac state thats all my head wants to concentrate on whilst simultaneously whirling round a load  of rubbish in my head.

Not a happy bunny!

[Reformed Fapper]

Ouch thats a real fucker isnt it. It used to happen to me, still does although I dont think its withdrawal related anymore. Id have to get up at 6am weekdays, if I woke up at 3 or 4 Id be so overcome with worry about NOT being able to get back to sleep that Id never get back to sleep. Or Id just sort of drift in and out of sleep in a light doze because I was too scared of falling into a deep sleep and not hearing my alarm! And the clock... oh god, the clock... I swear it was watching me!
It could be a withdrawal symptom, or realted to some other issue going on with you? Something you are undecided about? All of these `mental loose-ends` wreak havoc with your subconcious mind. Anything that you need to think about and solve but havnt yet done so is still somewhere in your mind. In the dead of night they like to come out and piss us off! All that bullshit music that gets stuck in your head at those hours is there to drown out something else.
You might like to try a strategy called `put it in the parking lot`. Have a piece of paper or some digital note taking app, and write down all the things in your mind that you are worried about or have yet to decide upon and put these in parking lot. That way they are out of your mind at least, then when you have time you can consult the list and decide what action to take on them. It might sound a little lame, but its something I still do. Just getting all that mental baggage out of your head and onto something tangible is a loadoff. 

[Sentimental_geek]

I have a feeling its a mix of withdraws and things generally on my mind. Quitting my job, starting university and going in a new direction has been a great change but a big one that has come with its stresses. So i'm aware it is in my mind. As i've done a bit of peaking and edging bit stopped, I think my brain is in a bit of a battle with that as it knows what it wants but its not getting it. Guess it takes time. But I will try writing everything down like you suggest so at least its out!

[Sentimental_geek]

Quick update. I'm on Day 25.

After a bit of a downer of a start to the week, i'm feeling a bit better.On Monday night, after the insomnia of Sunday night, I could feel something was not quite right with me emotionally. I did a bit of journalling in my private written journal. I've been doing this for a while. Anyway, I finished what I wanted to put down then just burst into tears. Felt a lot better for it, but i'm definitely on an emotional roller-coaster at the moment. Its like i'm in and out of a flat line on a daily basis, mixed with he odd bout of tiredness and insomnia. Its quite weird. And its sending me right through the motions. Managed to control peaking this week and touching myself. I'm still getting morning wood. I've also had a couple of random erections for the first time in a good few months. Not even been thinking about much and they have just popped up. I take it as a good sign. Cant say i'm overly horny, or even being triggered that much. But alas, everything is all over the place so just have to ride it out and take it as it comes (no pun intended).

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was very up and down. Due to having crappy sleep at the start of the week, I let myself have a lie-in. All fine EXCEPT when I woke up I started masturbating. Didn’t orgasm but again I should have just got out of bed and started my day rather than fucking about. Later on i got trapped in a you-tube hole and started looking at material that was a bit triggering. I stopped myself tho. Luckaly as I have open DNS its hard to go further than that and I managed to stop myself from doing that way before it got near it. But I was annoyed with myself. Put me on a massive downer and unleashed a lot of frustration, anger, agitation and annoyance. A trip to the gym followed by a cold shower helped a lot. But its an area that needs awareness and discipline.

I'm definitely in emotional limbo at the moment. Someday feeling good, others feeling detached and despondent and empty, on others feeling angry and agitated and sometimes even feeling racked with regrests of time i've wasted fapping and letting dreams and goals slip by. All over the place! :-(

[Sentimental_geek]

Today marks day 31. Thats technically a month!

I've come to the conclusion, that although I'm getting some urges and morning wood, i'm in a flatline and have been for a bout a week. I'm all over the place emotionally as well, still. The worst thing I am feeling is moments of extreme regret for the choices i've made in the past. Choices i.e porn that have lead to 1) an abysmal sex life and 2) being alone now. IT comes and goes. But it cuts like a knife when it creeps up. I also get agitated really easily and start catastrophising in my head, more than I ever have before. The fact I meditate helps alot as I can draw on the mindfulness eventually and tame it. But its hard. Its demotivating as well and is causing a lot of agitation and sleeplessness. SO its rough seas for me for a bit at least. I was hoping that the onset of flatline would be some numbness where I was neither here nor there mood wise. But instead my brain is having a riot. Gotta take it as it is, but it sucks! 

[Reformed Fapper]

Congrats on hitting the 1 month mark!
Its an important part of the reboot (at least it was for me), to never forget the things that have fucked up because of porns assault on your life. But try not to dwell on it too much. Just understand that those things will never happen again as long as you keep with the reboot

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was one of the hardest in a while. I'll cut to the chase, I came very close to relapse, saved largely thanks to a 5k run and a cold shower.

I've had a study week from University and trying to understand something that I’ve been stuck on for a while. So I’ve been in front of a computer a lot and getting frustrated. Anyhow, I started peeking, then a bit of edging. Thanks to porn blockers I cant go fully hardcore. Just brose crap on image sections of search engines. I managed to stop myself before it was too late. But I was annoyed with myself. Frustration really got the better of me. From this I definitely 1) need to go and speak to the lecturer about the area i'm stuck on 2) plan my study days more so i have time AWAY from my computer and 3) Stop fucking looking at porn if i'm pissed off at something!!!

After the almost mess I went for a run then a cold shower. Felt WAAAY better after it AND the thing I was stuck on (statistical analysis in Psychology for anyone interested) started to make more sense as my head was clear.

Its quite shocking how your mind can be doing so well, only to be hijacked and nearly fuck it all up. I think part of me subconsciously is trying to prevent a flat-line. Even though its 1) inevitable and 2) already happening to me, albeit without fully loosing labido - at least the porno sexual labido - and that’s the worst one. I have nit felt this bad in a long time, almost since before I started rebooting 5 years ago!! The thoughts of something challenging nearly made me fall to bits today and again the thought of porn making it all better seemed to creep back in with ease. Its not a nice feeling, especially when My mood goes all over the place like that.

Alas, it was a crisis averted but I need to shore a few things up for sure. Part of my brain still wants porn and its throwing everything at me to try and get it.

[Sentimental_geek]

Day 43....and I'm very much struggling on!

Peeking and the odd bit of edging is my major issue at the moment and its almost lead me to relapse. But I've been able to hold back but not without my mood going mental!

I feel I'm in a pitched battle with my brain at times, but its like there are multiple parts to it.

The old brain wants porn. It wants to succumb to its habitual addiction and it wants to see everything as porn. I can barely even look at a nice looking girl at times without being triggered. ANd it starts getting int he way of other things too. When I try and study it rears its head. When I should be looking for jobs it rears its head - in this case, it starts with chronic procrastination then takes me where I shouldn't. ANd I shouldn't not just because of relapse but because I really need a new fucking job!!

The other side wants to carry on with the reboot and when it has the power to do so, I can get quite productive and proactive. This is the part that has ambition and desire and is less and less afraid to show it. When I get any kind of peak flow with it, it feels amazing. Better than any porn orgasm by miles and miles!!!

Then stuck in the middle is the loneliness. This part is the one that wants to feel a connection so sees the benefit of NoFap. But it also wants to be connected so ends up desiring porn and the old ways. The 2 above sit like the angel and the devil on my shoulder. I know what's right, but I also know what's really tempting. On top of this, I am guilty of being a good feelings junkie. When it feels its working and I'm in a flow, I always want to feel like that. But alas, what goes up must come down even if it goes up again. And that's where I think I struggle. I try to accept the disconnection in my life but immediately want the pron back to try and connect it, even though It will lead me to the same place in the end.

I know from this that its imperative to keep on with the reboot. But it is really really hard! No matter how rewarding it will be eventually, its a pitched battle in my mind at the moment.