Author Topic: Are we permanently broken??!!  (Read 869 times)

Whatdoido

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Are we permanently broken??!!
« on: October 23, 2018, 04:14:52 PM »
I’m trying to be supportive, I’m trying so so hard. But I feel like it’s impacting me more than him and not In A positive way.

I love sex. I have a very high sex drive and I adore sex. We in fact started as a fwb situation for about a year where the primary reason for us hanging out was to have sex and lots of it. It was great.

Then we started dating and I started noticing more and more the disconnect. I realized I couldn’t get him off. Yes he would get off, but only if we were watching porn, or he was thinking about someone or something else, or in some cases would actually need to video us having sex and then watch that video while we were having sex in order to get off.

I tried to adapt myself, I tried everything I could to make it so it was ME getting him off. Now, I know it’s normal for people to think of someone else every now and then during sex. And I have nothing against porn as I myself love it, but this was more than that. And it impacted me A LOT because for one, a big part of what turns me on is knowing I can turn him on and knowing I can get him off. And also, my last relationship of 6 years had this same issue. Well, somewhat. With my ex he  just choose porn over sex every single time. Even if I begged for it, or dressed in lingerie and tried to be as enticing as I possibly could. No matter what he would walk past me and go to the bathroom to jerk off instead.

In this relationship we would have sex but generally only on the weekends. During the week he would jerk off while I was at work and on the weekend he wouldn’t get a lot of chances because I was home so he would look for sex, however, whenever we had sex he could not get off without the use of someone else other than me whether it was a fantasy in his head or video on a screen. When there was porn he would come in minutes, when there wasn’t it would be over an hour. Often times we would just stop without him even getting off. If there was porn at any point during the sex and then the porn went away, he would often completely lose his errection.

I’m not a super model by any means but I have never ever had an issue getting attention from guys. However going from one relationship to another where I feel like I can’t gwt the guy off, or that they rather ANYONE but me has definitely impacted my self esteem.

I can’t lie and say that even though I read a lot about this issue, I still have that voice in the back of my head saying it’s me. Saying that there’s just something wrong with me. Why else would this be an issue with two guys in a row.

So I noticed this issue between myself and my fiancé, and became more and more aware of it to the point where sex became terrible for me. I felt like we were totally disconnected during sex. I felt like I was a stand in for porn. I felt like I was being used as a means of him getting off. Now I love being ‘used’ in sex, but this was different. This made me feel terrible. I brought my issues up with him but it didn’t really help any. If anything it made me feel worse because now he was actively trying to get off to me and couldn’t.  This made me feel even worse.

I began avoiding sex. I was extremely self conscious whenever we had it, wondering who else he was thinking of, wondering what it was about me that turned him off so much. He would put his hand on my stomach and I wondered if he could feel fat. It just got more and more in my head until sex to me came hand in hand with this feeling of disgust towards myself, to this feeling of being used.

Now I should also mention that he was swearing to me at Thai point and time that he wasn’t jerking off. That he did maybe once every few weeks. The thing is I went through this before. I’ve dealt with the lies and hiding and I’ve gotten really really good as detecting bullshit. My last relationship was with someone who had a highly addictive personality and who lied about absolutely everything. Like the tiniest stupidest things. It was to the point where everyone close to him knew not to trust anything he said. So entering into this relationship I stressed that the biggest possible thing to me was honesty. It was huge and would make or break us.

So over a several month periods I would bring up my concerns, including the fact that I felt like he wasn’t being completely honest with me regarding some issues, including him masturbating.  I tried to make it clear that I didn’t care one way or another, but that it matter more to me if he was honest about it or not.

He made me feel guilty for not trusting him. He tried to make me feel that when I got major feelings he was lying to me, that it was all in my head and I was just bringing things from my last relationship into ours. I thought maybe he was right so I tried really hard to ignore those feelings.

My feelings connected to sex just got worse and worse though. And eventually everything came to a big fight. Everything came up I still felt like he was lying about something, I figured that it was just that he wasn’t attracted to me and he was trying to save my feelings. He already admitted by this time that he has a hard time getting off without thinking of other people but that it isn’t just me and it’s been like that for him with every person he’s ever been with. He tried to make it seem better by saying he used to fantasize about me to get off so clearly he was attracted to me.

Anyway the masturbating thing came up and it just felt so much like he was lying so for the first time I straight up asked if I could see the phone, I needed to prove myself right or wrong one way or another. And there it was in his history. Every single time I would leave the house, even for an hour or two, he would be watching porn and jerking off.

So there went my trust .

He finally admitted he had an issue with porn. And said he wanted to fix it. He didn’t want it to be something that made us break up.

But even then it was me looking things up on porn addiction, what it was, it’s impacts and how to recover.

After another fight he asked me about the stuff I read and what it said to do.

After reading that sex during the very start of a reboot can be a negative thing he said that he needed time. Especially since the sex between us at that point was doing more damage than good because I felt absolutely terrible and extremely self conscious every time (even more so because he couldn’t get off). He said that he absolutely didn’t want to have sex of any kind for at least a few weeks. And asked if he tried for anything that I just turn him down.

This lasted about a day an a half before he was trying to get me off and guilted me to let him. His reasoning being that it helped him redirect it and it would be a positive thing if it were redirected towards me. Only this made me feel worse and worse. It wasn’t the odd time, but ALL the time. And then that quickly progressed to him trying to get off but trying to make it so it was me doing it. For example rubbing himself on me to get ‘me’ off. Then he would just happen to ‘slip’ inside. It ended up being me constantly having to stop everything. I felt used again, and even more so not in the good way.

I feel like it still had absolutely nothing to do with me but the fact that he was used to getting off every day and now the kn way he could do it was through me. I feel like I sound crazy, but it still didn’t feel like his sudden want for sex had absolutely anything to do with me. Just that him not being able to jerk off like normal made him especially horny.

It then made him trying to get me off feel wrong. It felt like he was trying to manipulate me. To get me turned on and wanting and to a point where he could take advantage of it to make himself get something and it be harder for me to say no.

It was just always me. It was always me saying no which compacted all the other bad feelings I was associating with sex now, to also include the fact that I felt like I had to constantly turn him down and push him away like a horny dog humping my leg. It made and feel more and more like a negative thing, it made him touching me start to feel more annoying. It made me feel like I was a parent who constantly had to tell the child no chocolate before dinner. It just put so many bad associations with sex that it left very little good.

I brought up my concerns that it was only me researching anything, that it was only me turning everything down. It felt like me just doing everything while yes he wasn’t masturbating.

But during this time my work schedule had changed so I’ve been home with him all the time as well. The times he would normally jerk off ive been there so he turned to me. Yes this is a good thing, but the way he did it it’s like he still has no control. Maybe I’m wrong with my line of thought here.

But it’s like he gets horny and he needs to act on it. He was dead set on no sexual anything for at least 3 weeks while he strayed to reset and that lasted 1.5 days. By day 3 he was asking when we could have sex again and now making it a me choice not his choice. As soon as he got horny everything went out the window.

I feel like it doesn’t help him if it is me saying no. I feel like it doesn’t help a drug addict to have someone lock them in a room so they can’t access drugs. They need to not want to do them, otherwise as soon as they get out they will just go back to using.

To me he is not gaining any control over his urges he’s just redirecting them to me. Which yes is part of our issue and is a good thing. But when I’m not here what’s stopping him from turning to porn? If he can’t control any of his urges now.

I still don’t feel like it’s me getting him off but the fact that he’s never gone for periods without getting off and it’s just built up.

So I gave up. I said we could have sex and whatever else whenever he wants if he feels like that’s going to work better. I’m not forcing him into anything and that was never supposed to be what was going on.

But my problem is that the sex makes me feel so used and disgusting and depressed now. It’s so associated with so many bad things that I cannot enjoy it. And he knows this and still wants it. It’s purely for his benefit. I don’t want to always feel like this but right now I feel like it’s getting worse.

I don’t feel like any issues have been fixed either. And I feel like he would just lie about returning to masturbation anyway.

He’s already saying that if he just doesn’t watch porn for a while then eventually he can watch it again just not as much and it won’t be an issue.

I just feel like this issue is not going to be over any time soon and I’m scared the sex will always feel like this for me now.

Is sex ruined forever?

Am I just being unsupportive?

Is this common?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m the one causing the problems. I do know that it is definitely causing me to become depressed. It’s impacting me in a lot of ways.

I just at a loss right now. What do I do? Is there hope for this to Change ? Am I doing something wrong or looking at this in the wrong way?

chuckman23

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Re: Are we permanently broken??!!
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2018, 06:34:55 PM »
Wow, I am so sorry that you are going through this.  The problem with any kind of addiction is that an addict won't stop until they truely want help. You can take a heroin addict put them into treatment for a year but if they don't want to stop then as soon as they get out they will be right back to it.   Sadly he may have to hit his rock bottom before he quits, that may take you leaving him.  I hit my rock bottom when I found out my wife was talking with an old boyfriend about getting together. That made me really look hard at myself and change things. (If you want to know more read my Trying to Save A Marriage thread in the 40 & over forum).  I am at 88 days right now and we haven't had sex in even longer. We are not even sleeping in the same bed but we are both working through our own issues.  I hope you can convince him to get help with this as there are usually underlying issues too.  I highly recommend the book "Your Brain on Porn".  It's a great resource. Good luck and I will be praying for you.
A 50 Year Old Guy trying to change!

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart 2 Tim 2:22

Whatdoido

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Re: Are we permanently broken??!!
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2018, 07:06:51 PM »
Thank you so much for your response.

I kind of felt that way as well. Like I know he is trying in some ways but as a whole I feel like he was putting it all on me. I am fully willing to support him wherever I can but it felt like it was pointless to do it the way we were. It doesn’t do anything for him if I’m always the one saying no to sex. Or at least that’s how I feel.  I want sex too, but he’s making it be me that says no every time and I’m not the one with the issue. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just feel that if it’s me that’s constantly saying now and him pushing and pushing and pushing for sex, that he will not learn to distract himself when he gets those thoughts. He might not be jerking off or going to porn but he’s not learning to control those impulses. To me that just says it’s only a matter of time for him to give into the urges if I’m not around.

From his point of view he is going to me not porn so it’s a non issue. And yes this is a change but I don’t think it’s a full fix.

I keep telling him that it needs to be him that does it, not me.

I just don’t want to be looking at this negatively or seem unsupportive.

At the same time I partway feel like he’s willing to do the bare minimum and that’s it .

Emerald Blue

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Re: Are we permanently broken??!!
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2018, 06:29:05 AM »
Whatdoido, you’re talking a lot about his porn and masturbation, and your sexual relationship, but is this relationship working in other ways? From what I can tell, your guy hasn’t developed a healthy sexuality. If he wants sex he wants it now, regardless of mutuality. That isn’t going to work in any relationship, not with you, not with anybody. Healthy sexuality, in most relationships, is about connection, not about one person gratifying themselves at the expense of the other. You say this started out as a FWB relationship. If your relationship was based around sex, and the sex has gone a bit “off”, has it run its course or is there anything more in this relationship that’s worth staying together for?

Quitting porn is no guarantee of a healthy sexual relationship, especially if one partner (or both) hasn’t developed his (or her) own sexuality in a healthy way. For young guys who’ve grown up with porn, their idea of female sexuality is to be permanently available and compliant. There is also the old fashioned and outmoded idea that sex is something a woman “gives” to a man, even a duty, and sadly this idea is becoming more prevalent through the normalisation of porn culture. Whether or not this is relevant in your situation, I cannot say, but it’s important to question where the idea of instant availability and one-sided instant gratification has come from. If you feel that it’s relevant.

I would say for most female partners of male porn addicts, they often have to redefine their own sexuality because it almost always takes a hit. It’s part of a partners healing process. Recovery from porn addiction isn’t only about quitting porn. It’s a lot more than that. It’s about recovering the relationship, developing emotional as well as physical intimacy, it’s about developing a healthy sexual relationship and also recovering your own sexuality in a healthy way, and many other issues that might be relevant in your relationship — because every relationship is different, just as people are.

A relationship can’t survive on sex and not much else. Sex is a good indicator of the health of the relationship and probably an even better indicator of how healthy your communication is. But even when sex is good, it’s only a (relatively) small part of a good relationship — I’m talking more of a longer term relationship. Short term relationships are OK but if it’s based on sex with no investment in a future together, it will either end when the newness of the sexual relationship ends, or if life moves on, like you get a job abroad for example. I think you need to think beyond sex and ask yourselves what is the relationship you want to have. Take away the sex and what do you have? Add in the sex (as it actually is) and is the relationship better or worse? Can you continue with things as they are? Only you know if this situation is good for you.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it