Author Topic: Quitting for good  (Read 930 times)

mpj86

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Quitting for good
« on: September 16, 2018, 04:01:14 PM »
Day 8

I'm intending to make this my last reboot and quit forever so I thought it would be useful to record my progress. I've previously done a 120 day reboot and another 85 day one but never recovered to the point of having spontaneous erections or morning wood. My brain in its weak moments used that fact to push me back towards PMO, on the basis that I must be a lost cause if I can't recover after 120 days, so what harm will it do?

A bit about me for context - I'm in my early 30s and started PMOing at the age of 12. I did this on a regular enough basis, around 2 or 3 times a week for an hour or so throughout my teens and early 20s. This led to me having zero involvement with girls and I first found myself in a situation where sex could happen when I was 23 but I wasn't anywhere near able to perform due to a combination of alcohol, performance anxiety and PIED. I first discovered the science behind PIED when I was 25 and since then have been in a continuous cycle of reboot and relapse but at least I've been aware of the damage that porn does since that time, rather than being ignorant.

A series of similar (generally alcohol fuelled) sexual encounters followed where nothing happened, due to the same combination that I mentioned above. I can't remember when I stopped getting morning wood, it used to happen every day in my teens but is now a notable event when it happens. I would love to get this back, what a great way to start the day!

I met my ex girlfriend when I was 28 and we had an OK sex life but erection problems were a frequent issue and sex with a condom invariably failed (either before or during). It's got to the point where I dread going to bed with someone for the first time and having to tell them, as I've faced the same situation so many times and it just gets soul destroying after a while.

I'm also bisexual and about 2 years ago had one sexual encounter with a guy, who basically had a constant 100% erection throughout which wouldn't even go down after orgasm - this was both eye-opening (I had no idea how different to 'normal' I was until then) and depressing in equal measure. I still find it hard to believe, and think he must have been on Viagra or something, it's that alien to me.

Over the years I've tried a litany of herbal medicines, none of which have made any difference, and also tried kegels from time to time (but I'm proposing to avoid these for the first 150 days of the reboot). I seem to have a constant drive for self-improvement and my current one is getting my teeth straightened, so I have clear braces on for the next year or so, this means I feel way too self-conscious to meet girls at this time so I figure that it's the perfect time for an extra long reboot process.

So I'll be documenting my progress here - in around 4 months time I'll be in unchartered territory (beyond 120 days) which will be especially interesting.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2018, 08:45:02 PM »
Hi mate, welcome to the Nation.
Thats an impressive streak you had there! No reason why you cant do that again.
Youve exhibited all of the classic symptoms of PIED; including the dreaded condom-hate.
But rest assured that all these are curable and will disappear for good once youve rebooted! You do realize that right? Ask youself this question: what in the fuck has porn given me that has been of any conceivable benefit to my life?
The answer is quite obvious I would assume.
Its destroyed your social and sexual confidence and turned you into a floppy-cocked loser who cant even manage a morning wood! Thats about as straight as I can put it.
How did you manage to get that far into your previous reboots? What techniques or strategies did you use? and what were the triggers that caused you to break those excellent streaks?
Keep documenting your progress as often as you need to on here! 
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2018, 02:00:27 PM »
Thanks for the reply :) To answer your question in bold, I'm not sure I even believe right now that it is curable, or that the symptoms will go away, but I'm certainly willing to find out! I regard myself as a pretty bad case, having discovered porn simultaneously to starting puberty, and PMOing for many years after that. But maybe I just need a longer reboot.

As for how I managed the 120 and 85 day streaks, it never felt like a battle and I was never resisting any urges, at the time I believed I'd left PMO behind for good, and got such a buzz out of the fact that the streak was getting longer and longer. It was almost as if I'd replaced being addicted to PMO with being addicted to not PMOing! Unfortunately when I do get urges I seem to have zero resistance to them and the relapse becomes inevitable - when my brain has decided that it's happening, there's no stopping it, despite all of my rational consciousness knowing that it's a terrible idea.

As far as I can recall, both reboots were ended by wet dreams, my mind in its warped way telling me that there was somehow less to lose now that I'd had a wet dream (since I started my reboots I've always been a sucker for the chaser effect). I will be more vigilant this time. Another (familiar) trigger is being hungover, but before my current relapse it almost became a self-fulfilling prophecy (I'm hungover, this is a trigger and my brain will probably get me to PMO - oh look what happened). I'm aware of this now.

I've been taking a lot of wisdom from the thread in the Success Stories forum translated from Chinese - it's pretty fascinating, and it's also helpful to see mentions of super long reboots being needed to cure the effects of PIED, as this helps reinforce the fact that I may not be a lost cause.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2018, 09:13:59 PM »
Oh you can rest assured the symptoms will disappear! They did before right?
Now that you know your triggers you can work around them. If having a rat shit hangover made you want to have a fap, then be extra vigilant when you have a hangover.
If it's a self control issue then it might be a good idea to record a list of all the many ways porn has fucked with your life. Make it as long as possible, in point form. Upon reading the list you'll feel so much disgust that the urge will dissipate. Reflecting on what will happen if you go back to PMO again should be motivation enough to leave it
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #4 on: September 23, 2018, 02:09:01 PM »
I'm not sure if the symptoms did go away before, no - I may have got occasional night/morning wood during the 120 day reboot but only very occasionally. Either I'm a lost cause or I need a much longer reboot!

I've already done the list of the reasons why I shouldn't PMO (and it's quite a convincing list) but the problem is when the urge happens, all rationality goes out of the window. I can already tell that this is going to be a really long reboot and with that in mind I know the urges will be minimal, it's just a question of whether this will be the 'forever' reboot (let's hope so).

Day 15 today and no real progress to report, possibly entering the flatline.

Sentimental_geek

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2018, 03:37:04 PM »
Either I'm a lost cause or I need a much longer reboot!

You are never a lost cause! Even if you relapse. You have done really well to have such long streaks before and you would have gained a lot from it. Urges are the things that can fuck you up but. Try and use your previous experience as best as you can when the crop up. Identify where they may be triggered and how they effect you.

Good luck!

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2018, 04:50:33 AM »
Day 45

So a month and a half in and I have not succumbed to PMO. There was even an urge a couple of weeks ago that I managed to resist. There hasn't been any morning wood so far but there have been one or two occasions of night wood upon waking during the night, and an occasional semi while walking during the day. So some slight progress perhaps. The only thing is that I have MO'd a few times since around day 30 (not to fantasy) and am unsure if this is going to help or hinder the reboot, so I'm intending to lay off this for a while.

Overall though a good start, and half way to day 90.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2018, 08:14:56 PM »
Thats a good streak!
I dont think theres anything wrong with a good ole masturbation session as long as its not to any artificial stimulation (or outside in a public space). The thing to consider is how do you feel after you masturbate? If you dont feel good or feel that youve done something wrong, then it might not be a good idea
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2018, 12:46:09 PM »
Day 64 no P / day 3 no MO

I've decided to stop masturbating and return to hard mode. Basically I've read a lot of stuff about semen retention and whilst I'm a bit skeptical about it's benefits, I do like the idea of transmuting sexual energy into other pursuits. I feel this is especially relevant to the quitting of a porn habit, as it's vital to replace the porn with healthier habits. So masturbation is off limits once more.

So 2/3rds of the way to the 90 day mark, I don't see many benefits yet but my voice is noticeably deeper. I don't know whether this is linked or not, and I didn't notice it in any previous reboots. But it's a pretty thrilling benefit to have (as long as it stays around!) as it makes me feel a lot more masculine.

I'm also considering supplementing with zinc as this may also help with deepening the voice, and skin issues also (I have minor dermatitis in seemingly random parts of my body) although zinc has never shown up low on any tests. I would take ZMA but Vitamin B6 gives me insomnia.

Nothing to report in terms of morning wood/night wood/random erections - minimal activity here.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2018, 05:17:26 PM »
Day 81 no P / day 3 no MO

Had a few wobbles with the no masturbation plan but I'm now fully back on board so expecting to see this streak increase now. I feel in such a position of power to be 81 days since my last relapse, it's probably in my top 3 or 4 longest streaks of all time (by mid-January it will be my longest ever streak - uncharted territory).

A couple of things that I've been thinking about recently -
Dating apps and other sources of dopamine hits - giving up porn is only half the battle in terms of dopamine, I feel. I have used online dating sites for a long time, I have only actually been on a date with one woman that I didn't meet online (I've been on over 30 dates overall). I've grown very disillusioned with these apps, where people present an idealised image of themselves. I also wonder what it does to someone's self-esteem to get rejected every day (e.g. sending a message and not getting a reply). Lots of people use these apps (1 in 5 relationships start on them) but it's still only a minority of people overall. Do I want to restrict myself when "the one" is more likely than not to not be on these apps? I also see it as taking the easy way out, and avoiding the courage that it takes to strike up a connection with people in real life and ask them out on a date. It's a sign of my (and increasingly wider society's) reluctance to forge real world connections. It's also, and perhaps more importantly, a substitute for porn - whilst the levels of dopamine being released are probably small by comparison, it is still a hit of dopamine caused by what I'm seeing on a screen. And I think it's time to move away from that. So I've uninstalled all of the apps.

The fact that porn gave me a hyper-sexualised world view - one thing that often gets levelled at people who use porn heavily is that they see women as sex objects. I always thought I was immune to this. But when walking down the street I would check out pretty much every young woman (and man, since I'm bi) that I walked past. This isn't normal, I shouldn't be looking at people in this way. Porn is probably only part of the issue here and society in general is ever more hyper-sexualised I guess.

I feel that giving up porn but continuing to access other sources of electronic-driven dopamine highs is only fighting half the battle. I've long talked about giving up my smartphone and just getting a basic phone - maybe it's time to put this into practice. Giving up porn results in loads of free time that I need to do something productive with, not just replace it with more minor sources of dopamine.

In terms of the reboot - some intermittent cases of night wood which disappears if I stand up, no morning wood as such (an occasional semi but nothing more). Hoping that cutting out MO along with an already long no-P streak will see improvements here but I'm aware it could take a long time. Absolutely no urges to relapse currently - I'm in fully committed "porn is not an option" mode.

Tried supplementing with magnesium and zinc to keep my voice low but something in that combination caused me insomnia, so that's on hold for now.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 05:20:01 PM by mpj86 »

ddmmyyyy

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2018, 06:10:59 PM »
Good move! Tinder and okcupid were definitely a porn substitute for me so I deleted them. Mostly I just swiped and fantasized and that led to relapse - or at least MO. Even if thats not the case for you, I think it's shallowness clouds your original taste in women.
The dates I had were interesting, but not worth the time I wasted on these apps in general. Whatever these apps do to people - mostly being rejected as a man, mostly being liked for possible sex as a women - I don't think it's positive. I always preferred to get to know women in real life. I just got to lazy and scared for a while...
« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 06:12:40 PM by ddmmyyyy »
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mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #11 on: December 20, 2018, 02:10:52 PM »
Day 103 no P / day 5 no MO

Just checking in. It's good to have made it to 100 days without porn for only the second time since I started using it twenty years ago. Have still been MO-ing but have decided that days 100-200 will be in hard mode.

Not really any progress to report, I did have a morning wood about a week ago which was the strongest I'd had in years. Absolutely nothing since though! I guess progress is not linear.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2018, 01:48:12 PM »
Day 113 no P / day 3 no MO

I can't seem to stop myself MOing, I got to 12 days this time. I don't even know if I should or shouldn't be doing it - if I abstain from MO then I seem to go into a flatline every single time which worries me, then causes me to test it, which leads to MO.

The main thing is that the No P streak continues to increase. I'm still very cautious about it as I've been in this situation before and relapsed. There is absolutely no desire to relapse again but it's like I can't trust my brain because it happened before. I'm still not on any dating apps. I would love to use the internet a lot less though, I do wonder if this is needed to help with the healing of dopamine receptor levels.

I always write a list of new year's resolutions and I have plenty for 2019:
1. Zero porn use - this would take me to around 480 days and I'd be pretty confident that I'd entered 'forever' territory at that point.
2. My smartphone contract ends in September and I would love to get rid of it and get a basic phone. I'm not as addicted as most (the sight of a train/bus full of people staring at their devices is so depressing) but I still hate how distracted it makes me. I've put this on the list but it will need some serious thought as to whether it's practically viable.
3. Meditate regularly.
4. Drastically reduce internet use - this will need some work to define the parameters, and I've tried and failed in the past, but I do feel this needs to happen - if anyone has any ideas I'd be grateful.
5. I've joined a local walking group so will aim to go on around 1 walk per month.
6. Start a social sporty hobby - I currently go running which I enjoy but is solitary, so want to do something like a running club, Boxercise etc.

I also read on another journal about someone being recommended a daily dose of cialis/viagra (can't remember which) to treat ED. I did some research this and here in the UK we can now order ED meds without needing to see a doctor first. So I was considering doing this to see what happens - basically it is a small daily dose of cialis (either 2.5mg or 5mg) which has the obvious advantage of just being a regular medication rather than something I'd need to take before sex. It's not cheap but would be an acceptable expense if it gave me a normal sex life. I'm just not convinced that it's realistic to expect to go from severe case PIED (PMOing throughout my teens, wiring my developing brain to porn) to full recovery and I might need to look at other ways to get there.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2019, 02:08:21 PM »
Day 138 no P / day 12 no MO

Not much to report recently, I entered a bit of a flatline recently (hence the nearly 2 weeks with no MO) and any trace of morning/night wood had disappeared.

So I started a Kegels routine that I read here:
https://uk.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_60/67_love_tip.html

Nothing much happened at first but I did have a night wood when I woke up during the night last night.

I do wonder if pelvic floor could be a contributing factor on the basis that, for a long time, I've had "post-micturition dribble", i.e. pee coming out after I've put my trousers back on after going to the toilet, and this is a sign of pelvic floor weakness. One thing that can cause this is straining due to constipation, and I did previously suffer from this. I had to have an inguinal hernia repaired a few years back which I always felt was probably caused by straining, so the picture kind of fits together (especially as the muscle that makes an erection 'lock in' is the same one that squeezes the last of the pee out).

Maybe I'm completely wide of the mark and it is PIED pure and simple, but it has made me wonder. I'm considering seeing a physiotherapist about this as it would be good to get some professional advice rather than just going off what I've read online, but I will stick with the kegel routine for now.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2019, 03:16:13 AM »
Day 164 no P / day 14 no MO

I'm currently going through a bout of early waking insomnia - this is something I've had sporadically in the past and I thought it was improving, but it's now the worst it's ever been. Today I woke up at 5am, over 2 hours before my alarm, and was wide awake and unable to get back to sleep. I don't know why this is happening - I used to sleep until my alarm every single day without fail.

My libido is non-existent, probably due to the sleep issues, hence the 2 week no MO streak, with zero night wood or morning wood - I would probably be unable to get an erection even if I tried right now.

I've ordered myself some high strength ashwagandha, in the hope that these issues are caused by a cortisol imbalance. I need to try something as life is kind of unbearable when I feel this tired.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 02:51:59 PM »
Day 179 no P, day 6 no MO

Insomnia seems to be abating - it seems to come in waves, but that was the worst wave that's hit me so far. I've gone from waking up after 7am only 4 times in 18 days, to 5 times in the last 6 days. What causes these changes I have no idea.

I've started supplementing with Maca (2,500mg) but it's early days, I'm only 6 doses in and I can't see any changes so far - I've read that it needs to be taken for 12 weeks at least before any improvements start to show.

I did wake up with a MW this morning - the first one since I started measuring things on 10th February. Unfortunately it didn't linger but how nice it is to wake up with a MW!

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #16 on: March 10, 2019, 10:51:12 AM »
Day 183 no P, day 1 no MO

I have a worrying lack of libido and my dick feels completely dead. I M'd yesterday and have probably done so about 20 times since I started the reboot, but I think I do this to 'test' myself to see if things are improving. So I'm going to aim for another hard-mode no PMO reboot, and focus on things other than libido - on the basis that my focus on this is leading to worry about erectile performance which is probably a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It's great that it's been 6 months since I gave up P for good, I want results but I need to be patient.

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2019, 06:08:48 AM »
Day 190 no P, day 8 no MO

Still completely lacking in libido. I have no idea what is causing this. It's as if my dick is dead, or like it's an inanimate object attached to my body. Whilst I've never (in my adult life) got random erections, there are times when I feel horny and I know that I'll be able to get an erection through light touch only - this is not happening currently.

I used to think flatline was just the body's reaction to not PMOing for a long period of time and that I wouldn't get this due to fairly regular M during the reboot, but perhaps I am in a flatline caused by 6 months of no P and also no online dating sites.

I am currently taking a daily multivitamin along with maca, ashwagandha and melatonin before bed. I can't see that any of those would be causing this.

Also don't know if the kegels routine I was doing would have made this worse, but I haven't done this with any regularity for a while.

I think I probably just need to ride this out and go on a long no-MO streak.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 06:10:37 AM by mpj86 »

DGF_AU086

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2019, 03:02:02 PM »
Well done on 190 days!

I wanted to just touch on the melatonin. There is no real need to take this nightly. Melatonin is a good supplement to use when your circadian rhythm is out of whack but if you have a regular sleep pattern ie; nights, then it really isn't doing much. It's best left for use when shift working or after jet lag.

Are you having trouble sleeping? 

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2019, 04:32:56 PM »
I'm taking melatonin as for a long time I've been having trouble sleeping through the night. I don't have trouble getting off to sleep however. Lately I had a bout of early waking insomnia where I would be wide awake at 5am and be unable to get back to sleep, and feel horrendous the whole day. I think I found one research study that said that melatonin may help with maintaining sleep through the night, and the tablets were cheap, so I thought it was worth a try.

I may have discovered something last night - I awoke at around 4.45am and couldn't get back to sleep due to a ringing in my ears. I've been wearing foam earplugs pretty much every night for the last 4 years. I'd noticed this ringing in my ears a few times before but it never occurred to me that it was an internal noise (tinnitus) rather than external. Looking back it's kind of obvious as an external low level hum wouldn't be audible through ear plugs. I took the earplugs out, the ringing stopped and I went straight back to sleep until my alarm at 7.15am. So I'm wondering if it's the wearing of earplugs and consequent tinnitus which develops through the night which has been causing me to wake early.

So I'll be throwing out the foam earplugs and trying to sleep without and seeing what happens. I've bought myself some silicone ones for emergencies that just go over the ear without being inserted into the ear canal (I'm thinking this is maybe what's caused the tinnitus with the foam ones).

DGF_AU086

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2019, 10:58:51 PM »
I'm not familiar with the study you mention. The primary role of melatonin secretion is in preparing the body for sleep. It's part of the circadian rhythm system. There are some things you can do to help naturally produce it. I'd recommend the book Sleep smarter by Shaun Stevenson for some practical advise. If your also interested in a more scientific explanation, Why we sleep by Matthew Walker is great too.

That's for sure an interesting discovery. Do you live in a noisy environment? Is it possible to sound proof your room a bit better to avoid the plugs altogether?

mpj86

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Re: Quitting for good
« Reply #21 on: April 23, 2019, 03:38:57 PM »
Day 227 no P, day 11 no MO

Yeah, I guess I thought there were issues with my circadian rhythm in that I was waking too early and was fully alert, despite not having had enough sleep and spending the day feeling terrible. This has been much less of an issue lately and I'm sleeping lots better and generally sleeping in until my alarm. I've also moved to a new place and there's a lot more background noise (white noise rather than anything troublesome) as it's nearer the centre of town. I'm sleeping without earplugs for the first time in years, it's great!

A couple of sleep books I found helpful were The Sleep Book by Guy Meadows and also The Effortless Sleep Method by Sasha Stephens.

Nothing much to report on the reboot - it won't be too long before I reach my 1 year anniversary since turning my back on porn. In a bit of a flatline at the moment.