Author Topic: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition  (Read 282 times)

Dj Rascasse

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Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« on: September 13, 2018, 11:17:19 AM »
Hi all,

I guess my story is similar to a lot of what other people have written here, but it feels good to write it.

I am 36 years old, father of two wonderful kids below ten years old, and husband to my wife that I met 15 years ago while student. We have had and still have a family life that is often brought as example to others: our couple is never quarrelling and our kids are angels. I have been a successful neuroscience researcher for the past 12 years. I am also a very sporty person, lately finding a lot of happiness in ultra-trail running (long distance running in mountains).
So in one sentence: no problem, or at least no apparent problem.

Because for 23 years, I have been addicted to internet porn. All started when I found my dad's magazines, and then very fast discovered online porn when I started building static HMTL website in the mid-90s. It was the time when you had to wait for the image to load line by line  :D. Then came, student life, Kazaa, uTorrent and all the rest you all have in mind.

The addiction didn't disappear when I met the love of my life, neither it faded when I got kids. No amplification either, just the need to connect to porn sites as soon as I had some time on my own with kids/wife around. Three / four times a week, in addition to a normal sex life. As this dependency was not accompanied by any erectile dysfunction, nothing to worry I said to myself. There was no evolution to more dirty porn, but to more voyeurism both online and in real life.

In a sense, this situation could have stayed like this. But I suspect the incapacity to share this addiction with anybody is provoking physical trauma, specially ulcers and stomach issues. In addition, I do love my wife and kids so much that I want to anticipate a possible side effect of this addiction on our family. I have managed to hide it until now.

Now I am just taking the step forward and I am, as we say in French (and maybe in English), ready to take the bull by the horn. I visited my GP on the 11 Sept, and at the end of a discussion about another subject, I asked him if he had any recommendation for a psychologist. I explained what it was about and he directed me to a centre for addicted person close to our place. And then, going out from the GP, it just clicked: he is the first person that I shared this with, now you have no choice but to stop. How could you look at him (and more importantly look at me) and justify that you have tried nothing?

One thing I have learned from ultra-trail running is this : you and your body are capable of much more than what your brain tries to tell you. When you have been running for 8h in mountains, the brain naturally asks you to stop and rest. But I don't do it, I continue. I fight. I push the limit. And I finish the bloody race. SO if I manage in trail running, why not trying against my addiction?
This is going to be a long fight, I know it, I feel it. I know my temper. But I am ready, now.

This journal is going to the only place where I will share this transition. I hope to have a cyber party here when I will consider myself cured.

Si

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2018, 02:13:08 AM »
Wow. A 23 year addiction but no PIED. That's impressive. Ironic that you work in neuroscience too :). Uh yea, Kazaa and uTorrent (argh). You're doing the right thing for you and family. Wish you all the best with it.

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2018, 10:57:08 AM »
Thanks Si for your answer.
Indeed, I have been very lucky with having no changes in my capacity to have sexual activity. I think I have the chance to be excited very easily, with no changes (yet) since my adolescence. And more I read this forum, more I think my addiction, even if very present, could be more mild compared to what I could read around here.
Yes ironical indeed. And even more ironical, I have worked actively for a couple of years ago in brain imaging, where my colleague was studying... the effect of porn on the brain using MRI. When he asked around for "healthy" (not addicted) subjects, I had to find all sorts of excuse not to go under the scanner :)

Four days off now. My hidden folder with porn movies (in case internet is down) is deleted as well. Always have to start somewhere.

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2018, 10:07:28 AM »
Week 1 update

this was not the hardest week. I am prepared for much harder weeks to come. First 3 days were as usual. Started to have some unusual headaches on Sunday (+5), I went for a run but couldn't complete due to quite heavy headache. My stomach is even worse than usual, but I was expecting that. I have always internalised a lot of stress and life situations a bit difficult, and my body decides to fight back by stomach pain and gases. Always been like this, but even more now.
My strategy in this first week was to try to get myself occupied and surrounded by people at all time to avoid any temptations. Mood is rather normal, had one quite unusual moment with a more than usual high tone with my kids. Apologised to them immediately, but they (and I also) were a bit surprised.

As my wife is not aware of the situation, I do want to pay attention to her and her sexual needs. We had sex yesterday, and I did notice that it was slightly slower than usual, which is a good thing. I still have problems to focus during the act on what is here and now, and have tendencies to extrapolate to what I have seen on the screen. A lot of work ahead on this one.

I have a very important running race in four weeks, training is terrible because of the rebooting. But you have to set priorities in life, I have set mine for the next year.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2018, 08:33:00 PM »
23 years of porn use and no PIED?! Sweet zombie Jesus, Batman!
Your reboot may come along very nicely then since it doesnt seem to have manifested in any sexual dysfunction. Also you have the best motivation to stamp out porn from your life: family! Im sure theyll see an imporvement as well as you progress in your reboot.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2018, 02:55:03 PM »
Week 2 update

More reading your messages and stories, more I feel that I have been so lucky not to get any dysfunction, both sexually and in my family. This second week has been super hectic at work, and I took that very positively as I had no time for relaxing and thinking about anything else than family, training and work. I had two days of home office, where in the past I masturbated EVERY time during the home office. A bit hard to restrain myself these two times, but I managed. Again, it helps a lot to get the mind busy with others things. I guess little by little these other thing will give the dopamine kick that we previously got with porn. I feel that I miss these kicks. But after reading some much content about porn addiction, I also in a sense feel that these "dopamine kicks" were a bit too easy to get. And the fact that I know that I have to struggle to find new GOOD sources of dopamine kicks, it makes me a bit more motivated.

All is going the right way, for now.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2018, 09:04:42 PM »
Congrats on the self restraint in the home office! Thats a deadly environment, but you didnt let it get to you.
Porn gives you such a massive dopamine kick its hard to find things other than meth or heroin that can match that kick. You do get dopamine hits from things you enjoy, but given how porn use has fucked around with your dopamine control center you probably dont notice it. Once dopamime production returns to normal youll be able to enjoy all sorts of things again
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2018, 05:10:33 AM »
@Reformed Fapper : Thanks for your encouragement. The strenght of the dopamine kick from porn is indeed super strong. Does it mean tha tif one is super addicted to porn (everyday with several hours exposure), getting out can imply vomiting and hallucination as we see in heroine addicts ?
I start to be very interested in all the underlying biology of addiction (also due to my professional activity as well), and it is on one hand super scary and on the other hand full of hope. Brain plasticity is the real saving process that will re-wire our brain, but this process seems to be loooong if one wants it to be permanent. And as you said, with the strength of the connection we (well I) have in our fuck up porn addicted brain, this process will be even longer. So patience...

Week 3 update : good news is that I am holding on. This week was MUCH harder than previous two... My hand has been very close to my genitals way too often... And the temptation to say "just jerk one time, nobody will see it" was massive. Three days of home office in a row was torture. As I am trying not to masturbate during my reboot, it is super hard. My wife and I have not had sex the last 15 days, not sure if it is my lack of libido, autumn mood or what, but it might the first time since I am 13 years old that I have not ejaculated in 15 days. Feels weird. Mood has been really up and down, but as always I am keeping everything inside me and my intestines/stomach are just not happy. But hey, better farting than jerking :)
Holding on fast, 1/4th of the path to the horrible 90 days is done. Holidays soon to change routine and run a lot.

Reformed Fapper

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2018, 07:56:19 AM »
I'm not sure about the vomiting due to withdrawal, but it certainly has all the hallmarks of a heroin addiction. Instead of a needle and junk you use a mouse and a screen.
Everyone has different withdrawal symptoms so I'm not sure about the vomiting.
Hahahaha yeah ! Farting is brilliant. I love a good fart. Better to be expelling putrid air out your arse than expelling, well, you know...
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2018, 02:22:11 AM »
Week 4 update
It has been  a month (and a day) !! Waouw super happy with this.
This fourth week has been the most difficult. Two days ago, I was really close to breaking, starting searching for "massage" pictures on Twitter, then "erotic massage"... I felt the surge, I felt the heart beating faster, everything was getting towards breaking. First time I saw images of naked women in a month. I stopped right away, took away the phone, and did not wank. But men it was so a hard to take such an easy decision !! Really feels weird : it seems that my conscious reflected me is fighting against my wild, raw, animal me. And there is so much similarity with long distance running where your body says to stop but your mind decides to continue.
Mood is a bit up and down, other external factors (massive lay out at work) makes that life is not very bright just now when I would need it. Family is fantastic, even if they are not aware of the transformation I am trying to operate now. I might share with my wife after Christmas (almost 4 months in), but I am not sure about this yet.

Mblanc92

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2018, 09:11:31 AM »
Hello, Thanks for sharing. We live in a very sexualized society, you will find triggers everywhere, specially on the internet. You should talk to your wife, that will commit you even more to the cause, and she will help you in the hard days. Congratulations, one month is remarkable.

Dj Rascasse

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Re: Let's start the fight after 23 years of addicition
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2018, 10:37:28 AM »
Thanks @Mblanc92 for your message. I have been really thinking a lot into when I should share this with my wife, but I find it so difficult. The main reason stopping me from doing it is the treason she might feel when I will announce it. We know each other for 15 years now, and she quite naturally thinks she knows me well. I think this will break her heart and the immense confidence we have between each other.  :-\

Week 5, 6 and 7 updates
This three last weeks have passed pretty fast. Holidays, heavy running training have filled most of the days. It has now been 49 days that I have not masturbated in front of porn, or even masturbated at all. I am super proud about this.
On the other hand, within the last 20 days, I have deliberately looked at erotic pictures on the internet. And really not happy about that. Even if there was no act of masturbation, the only fact that I searched for erotic content really annoys me. The good news is that I did that only twice, and I did that always in the bed, late at night, after reading and before sleeping. This is a good news because there is a very simple thing to do: put the phone away, in another room, and buy and old school alarm clock. I am certain that this will at least remove the easy access to content.
The sexual life in the couple is similar as before. Mood is OK but I see that I am getting a bit more naughty, thinking more about the sexual act / women that I did in the first month of rebooting. My guess is that the coming 3/4 months will be harder as outside activities are now finish (i livein a place that is already with minus temperatures outside) and I will stay more inside. Just have to be smart and fill my alone time with no screen type activities. Maybe the time to learn how to do diy projects  :D