Author Topic: Rich's 90 Days  (Read 10592 times)

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #250 on: May 25, 2019, 10:55:38 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of:
PMO: 14/90
Alcohol: 14

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #251 on: May 27, 2019, 07:01:47 PM »
Tension is building, so I am going to make myself write.  I had a good AA meeting this evening.  I have little or no interest in drinking tonight, but the urge to PMO is oh so strong.  I am just so irritated with everything.  To start with the positive, my wife and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary at Disney World.  I didn’t spend too much money, and we both enjoyed a good time at the parks.  I am dedicated to improving as a husband, becoming ever more selfless and supportive of my wife.  Now for the negative: there is something wrong with my car.  The passenger airbag off light is on and something is leaking at the front of the car.  Always great when that happens.  My driving definitely needs improvement, and that is likely the cause.  The soonest I can take the car in is Thursday, so I set up an appointment for then.  Of course this has set off anxiety and my selfishness in not being able to get the car looked at right away.  So, I am going to have to drive the car as little as possible (still need to go to AA meetings) as I CAN.  And I obviously can’t have my wife in the car.

I am so, so, so frustrated, and want more than ever to be hedonistic and to get pleasure from PMO.

Now I am going to try to pray it away.

Hope others are doing well

Rich

Abstinent of:
PMO: 16/90
Alcohol: 16

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #252 on: May 29, 2019, 05:35:36 PM »
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

That is how I feel at the moment.  I am about to get off the internet because I feel so close to acting out and know that when this happens I need to get away.  I just cannot get rid of the desire to see erotica.  It is day 18 now, and the thrill and images in my head continue to drive me.  Beyond that, I just can’t get rid of lust in the real world.  Living here in Florida there are beautiful, sexy women everywhere I look.  I do consider my wife beautiful and attractive, but the obsession with other women is a deeply kept secret that I don’t know what to do with.  My obsession with breasts has returned, even though I have not acted out online or masturbated to porn (I have masturbated once this week).  I don’t know why my obsession with breasts has returned or stayed, but it is here with a vengeance and I have little control over checking out women IRL.  I feel like I am regressing here.  This journal is my only outlet as I feel that I definitely cannot tell my wife any of this stuff without hurting her or making her feel like I will break her trust.

That is everything.  So, still technically sober of PMO, but having more trouble with lust than ever.

I will pray over this.

Rich

Abstinent of
PMO: 18/90
Alcohol: 18

malando

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #253 on: May 29, 2019, 05:50:32 PM »
Rich, I can see things are very tough for you at the moment. I think it might help if you keep very mindful about your life situation. Whenever your lust is raging and your desire to stare at breasts comes to the fore, remind yourself of this very simple fact:
"These breasts, these hot women, don't give a flying fuck about me. They don't want me, they have no feelings for me, they don't care what happens to my life. The only woman who does actually care about me, is my wife"

Give it a try. Sometimes it can help to bring things back to a very simple truth and remind yourself of it regularly, or when you feel the noise starting to build in your mind.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #254 on: June 01, 2019, 09:37:04 PM »
Been busy folks

Checking to in
Abstinent of
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #255 on: June 03, 2019, 10:37:24 AM »
Checking in

Feeling a lot better

According to my AA counter I miscounted.  Up till now I have been counting by the day I was on.  From here on out I will count days successfully sober.

Abstinent of:
PMO: 22/90
Alcohol: 22

Rich

« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 10:51:09 AM by HumbleRich »

CB

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #256 on: June 03, 2019, 10:45:33 AM »
Stick to it, it will get easier with time but it will always lure in the shadows and always try to strike when we are down. You got this!

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #257 on: June 07, 2019, 01:40:36 PM »
Checking in.  I know my day counts have been infrequent and my posts have been on a hiatus.  I Blame busy-ness and the fact that I quit caffeine this week, so I am dealing with the enormous withdrawals from that.  I hope to get back to more elaborate posts next week.

So, my counts are
Abstinent of:
PMO: 26/90
Alcohol: 26 days
Caffeine: 3 days

Rich





HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #258 on: June 07, 2019, 11:33:09 PM »
Update:

I did end up caving in today on day 3 without caffeine, by eating a Cliff bar brownie that I stupidly left in the house.  So, tomorrow is day 1 again on sobriety from caffeine, the most difficult addiction I have ever had to beat.  Wish me luck.

Rich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #259 on: June 08, 2019, 01:42:49 AM »
Seems like you've been making some good progress on the PMO side since we last talked - well done.

Caffeine withdrawal is horrible - am planning to quit caffeine as we're travelling Europe in August and I'm not expecting a good cup of tea anywhere!
Porn free since 2 February 2018.

Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #260 on: June 17, 2019, 02:52:00 PM »
Checking in.  I have been very busy moving into our new apartment.

Counts: Abstinent of
PMO: 37/90
Alcohol: 37
Caffeine: 8/30

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #261 on: June 23, 2019, 11:00:46 PM »
Checking in

Abstinent of
Alcohol: 43 days
PMO: 43/90
Caffeine 15/30

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #262 on: June 25, 2019, 10:14:50 AM »
Feeling crabby and sexually frustrated today.  Wife and I have had a dry spell for about four months.  She says she needs to see real change in how I act and treat her before we engage sexually again.  I understand and appreciate where she is coming from, but it still sucks.  At first it helped me concentrate on this journey.  But now I feel myself getting impatient.  I need to ask my higher power for patience and focus on improving as a husband.

Count seems to have gotten muddled somewhat.  But the numbers based on my digital counter for AA are thus

Abstinent of:
Alcohol: 44 days
PMO: 44/90

Rich

jixu

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #263 on: July 02, 2019, 07:08:20 AM »
Hang in there, it is just a temporary rough spot!  Take solace in this: at least the whole ordeal proves that you married a good and smart lady!  Congratulations on that; that is not an easy thing to do these days. 

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #264 on: July 05, 2019, 10:18:51 AM »
Count update:
Abstinence from alcohol: 54 days
PMO: 54/90

Almost done with my 30 day break from caffeine.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #265 on: July 08, 2019, 02:00:08 PM »
I just acted out, so I am back to 0 for PMO.  My wife want’s to go out to do an errand, but I will make sure to make an AA meeting tonight to prevent me from relapsing with alcohol too. 

This relapse has hit me like a brick wall.  Part of me wants to give in to this wretched habit and let it tear me apart.  Today was supposed to be day 57, but I am back to 0. 

But right now I want to talk about something else.  I think this is my bottom for PMO.  I think this because acting out today was a joyless, automatic experience.  I must have been getting serotonin hits otherwise I wouldn’t have been doing it, but I didn’t feel good acting out.  I got no pleasure from it. 

And also, I couldn’t get an erection, even from the images I used to jack off to.  This scares me to death.  I have heard of flatline, and thought that I must have been in flatline because of my lack of interest in sex and limp ness.

But I thought that I would still be able to get erect to porn.  And I couldn’t get it up to that either.

What the heck is going on?  Has rebooting broken me neurologically?  Is it still flatline, even when I tried to cheat with porn?

Now for what I am doing now.  I am leaving no stone unturned.

I have reset my IPad and put up content restrictions with a password that I have to put in.  Unfortunately I can’t use a faux password or one I will forget because I need it if I ever need to change my Ipad’s Settings.  That royally sucks because it means I have to use a password I remember.

But I have done this before and it worked pretty well.  Just the few seconds provided by the hassle of putting in a password was deterrent enough.

But that can’t be all of it.  REAL CHANGE has to happen.

Just like in AA I have accepted that I am powerless against PMO and have found my bottom.  Or at least my latest one.  I am going to involve my higher power from here on out through prayer.

That is all from me at the moment. 

Rich

Count:
Abstinent of alcohol: 57 days
PMO: 0

« Last Edit: July 08, 2019, 02:02:22 PM by HumbleRich »

Lero

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #266 on: July 08, 2019, 03:02:05 PM »
I have reset my IPad and put up content restrictions with a password that I have to put in.  Unfortunately I can’t use a faux password or one I will forget because I need it if I ever need to change my Ipad’s Settings.  That royally sucks because it means I have to use a password I remember.

I don't know, maybe ask someone to choose a password and hide it from you.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #267 on: July 09, 2019, 01:52:34 PM »
Checking in on day 1.  I read an article about flatlining and am feeling better.  I must have just been still in the flatline stage.  One thing I do know is I want erotica, porn, and sex culture out of my life, forever.

Checking in half a day clean, by the grace and guidance of the Dharma, the Buddha, and the Sangha.

Namaste.

Rich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #268 on: July 09, 2019, 05:04:53 PM »
Sorry to hear about the relapse, but relapsing is part of recovery.. As long as we manage to not relapse again or fall down.

You’re doing great, just think about the progress from where you were to where you’re now. Small step at a time!

Read this, it makes me feel better about beating addiction time wise. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2014/09/why-sex-addiction-recovery-takes-a-long-time-and-one-possible-exception/

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #269 on: July 10, 2019, 03:47:20 AM »
Checking in.  Had too much coffee today on my first day back on caffeine and I can’t sleep well (from now on no caffeine in the afternoon).  Back to 0.  I fought and resisted the content restrictions until I found some topless images.  So back to 0.  What did I learn.

This journey is not only about what we remove from our lives, but also what we put in.

I am going to start reading more.  I am going to try to read a book a week.  Except for one week a month I will devote to Scentific American.  I have been unsatisfied with not getting anywhere on my reading list for a long time now.

I am going to workout every morning and every evening.  I am in pitiful shape at the moment.  The best I can do atm is two sets of ten push ups, about 30 crunches, and 30 bike crunches.  But we all know the old saying, you gotta start somewhere.  Once I master this workout I can move on to more elaborate ones.

Time to get in shape, mentally and physically.

Day one again tomorrow.

Day 59 sober from alcohol.

Rich

Lero

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #270 on: July 10, 2019, 04:36:42 AM »
You could invest your energy in PMO or invest it in doing something else. At the end of the day, it's about which one is more beneficial to you.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #271 on: July 10, 2019, 07:13:16 AM »
I continued my binge this morning, PMOing from 3 till 7 am.  I have not binged like this in years and this reminds me 1.  That I am still a porn addict and 2.  I can never safely use porn.

I accept that I am powerless without a “God of my understanding”. 

I have picked myself up though.  I did as much of my workout as I could at 8 am, when I was scheduled to wake up.  I guess I can be grateful that I don’t have a job to destroy with this acting out yet.  I do need to study, however.

I have done my work out.  Next to meditate and pray.  Boy do I need it.  Having content restrictions only helps so much.  I need to remain constantly vigilant and humble.

Let’s see if I can pull together a whole 12 hours.  This time no caffeine after noon.

Rich

Humiliated but not beaten.

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #272 on: July 10, 2019, 07:25:04 AM »
Hey Rich,

Don't discourage your self and don't test your D*** in flatline . In my first relapse I did the same mistake and i am on flatline till than but believe me after 60-70 days your mind will be stable and you will not think about P any more yes you will get some P flashes here and there but you will easily pass that.

Doing my best to get rid of PMO and hoping best for you also.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #273 on: July 15, 2019, 12:17:17 PM »
So pissed at myself. I have been finding ways to relapse last week and this weekend.  I even opened up a Quora account to ostensibly ask professional questions, but ended up spending most of the time searching NSFW questions.  Sick and tired of this.  I have deleted my Quora account, hopefully for the last time, and have blocked the Quora website.

But it needs to be more than that!  Content blocking is great as a way to prevent me from starting the process.

But I need a tighter schedule, more praying and meditating. 

Here is for better luck tomorrow.

Day 0 again.

Rich

Still abstinent of alcohol.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #274 on: July 17, 2019, 08:13:51 AM »
Checking in

Day 2 free of PMO
66 days sober of alcohol

Rich