Author Topic: Rich's 90 Days  (Read 4855 times)

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #175 on: February 10, 2019, 02:24:20 AM »
Yep it seems like a 'middle circle' behaviour if you ask me.

There's a proverb which states "delight yourself in the wife of your youth" - basically, I find that thinking about my wife helps melt away the desire for the other. I know things aren't easy for you and her so it might be worth talking these issues through with someone?

Glad you're persevering.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #176 on: February 13, 2019, 12:24:01 AM »
Hey all, checking in clean and free on break.  Day 12/90, free of pmo.  Thanks as always for the input.  Will check in later.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #177 on: February 22, 2019, 08:21:21 PM »
Hey everyone,

Day 22/90.  Longer posts to come. 

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #178 on: February 23, 2019, 03:11:43 AM »
I just pmoed.  There goes my 2019.  Two months have been screwed so far.  I am going to do my best now to prevent a further relapse and get myself back together.  I am getting fed up with this, though.  I habe to remember why I am doing this.  The last time my wife and I had sex was this month, on Valentine's Day.  It did not go well.  But that does not necessarily relate to porn.  I did have trouble getting hard, even beginning intercourse half hard (and then hardening during intercourse) but a lot had to do with  how disconnected my wife and I have become sexually.  Sex has basically become a chore which she tolerates, rather than an enjoyable bonding activity.  There are many factors  here , and my bad behavior and lack of support of her is partly responsible.  Also, since we hadn't had sex in two months, the sex was a bit painful for her, regardless of how gentle I tried to be.  I forsee lots of lube in the future. 

My primary gial after all of this is to fix our marriage, and by that I mean fix myself.  We are now two months away from our move back to the states.  We have a lot going on.  I will get into that later.

Basically, I hope that our marriage will survive all of this, but I am starting to doubt wether our union will survive.  There are just so many things I need to change.  So many factors .  So many balls to juggle. 

Ultimately it is up to her.  I know my wife does not belong to me.  My job is to create a life in which she truly wants to be with me.  I see this now. 

I know, I knkw, you guys are siggesting counseling.  I do not know, however, whether we can afford that, and I don't put much stock in counseling, to be honest.

All of these problems are things I need to fix.  Behaviors I need to change.  And there is a lot, yes.  But it ks just a little at a time. 

I am going to focus on taking our marriage and relationship much more seriously.  Part of that, of course, is not acting out here. 

All of the above has  been  very stream lf thought.  I habe just been writing my thoughts as they come to me.  I will be back later to shape my thoughts more clearly and bring it all together.

As always, I hope you guys are doing well and kicking butt,

Rich 

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #179 on: February 24, 2019, 08:11:37 AM »
Pmoed again today.  Full relapse.  It is time to stop being stubborn and restart my spiritual journey.  I can’t do this by thinking through it.  I need ancient wisdom here.  Will check in tomorrow.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #180 on: February 26, 2019, 04:41:08 AM »
Sorry for not posting over the past few days.  It is  just as well, though as I just pmoed on the 2nd day, after one day clean.  I am.definitely in a rough patch.  I need to get out of it.  I know I can do it.  Looking forward to March and finally getting 90 days.  I just have  to remind myself that all of the sexualization is NOT normal.  It may be the new usual, but it is not normal.

More meditating, more reading of the sutras, and more focus.

Will be back to check in tomorrow.

Rich

Georgos

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #181 on: February 26, 2019, 09:41:43 AM »
Hey Rich, so you're already reading, that's great, how about keeping a counter with me?

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #182 on: February 27, 2019, 08:41:06 AM »
checking out on day 1/90.  Good night, folks.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #183 on: February 28, 2019, 12:58:05 AM »
Extremely triggered at the moment, by an argument with my wife.  I am recognizing reactive tendencies as a transition or motivation for porn use.  Definitely something useful.  For now, I need to get offline and study.  Will be back later.

I WILL finish today pmo free.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #184 on: March 02, 2019, 09:48:17 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 5/90 on the 3rd of March.  Feeling triggered and irritable, so I am getting iff the internet.  Hope everyone is doing well.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #185 on: March 05, 2019, 03:51:38 AM »
Checking in on day 8/90.  Meditated today and ready my sutras.  Going well so far.  Let's make it to 90!

Actually, while I am.here.  I had a trigger today .  I looked up my sutra book to.see what was being said.  There was only one negative review, but still it was enough to get me riled up.  A feminist  (or more like straw man feminist) condemned  Buddhism as sexist, declaring that it needed to be "improved for the 21st century."  That comment really got by blood pumping.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, sure.  But everything has to be so political these days.  They can't let anyone enjoy anything.  Everything has to be the "patruarchy".  Little do they know how many addicts have been spared misery through new found spirituality. 

But I ignored the impulse to punish through using porn.  I actually utilized a technique from Buddhism to relax and move on.  To "let go".  Let's do much more of that. 

Gotta go.  Bye folks.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #186 on: March 07, 2019, 01:53:43 AM »
Checking in on day 10/90.  Feeling pretty good.  Interestingly enough, I listened to a podcast today that was talking about the three poisons in Buddhism: ignorance, hate, and greed.  We all fall into habits of pushing toward something (greed) or pushing against something (hate).  I feel that the other day I was hatefully acting against that one commentor and my temptation to act out revenge was definitely a hateful thought.  I need to work harder to integrate Buddhist practice into my life and really avoid all of that other stuff when it pops up. 

I habe come to recognize that ugly face of pmo as revenge against women.  That is something I continue to reflect on in this reboot and in my practice. 

Much more of that and other things later.

Keep on pushing folks.  10/90

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #187 on: March 11, 2019, 08:38:52 AM »
Checking in.  I pmoed earlier today, setting me back to zero.  I won't go into it now, but I will have time to talk about it tomorrow.  What is needed?  More meditating, more reading the sutras, and more focus.  I feel bad about this one.  Uneccesary fall out of the saddle.  I will explain more tomorrow.

0/90

Rich

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #188 on: March 11, 2019, 12:22:49 PM »
What is needed?

A total rethink.

I can see that you are trying to beat this addiction but it's consistently not working. I don't think 'trying harder' is the answer. Not sure what the answer is.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #189 on: March 11, 2019, 09:18:42 PM »
I just acted out again today, turning this into a full relapse.  I said I was going to elaborate on everything today.  I will do that now.  I can’t promise to remember and cover everything, but I will try.

My situation now: Last week was my last “teaching week” (the program did not have any kids) of my contract, since technically the end of this week is the end of my contract, but I am taking it off for vacation, meaning that I am effectively done here.  I am basically waiting for my wife’s contract to end.  My goal this week is to finish cleaning my dorm room, and to study for the third of the exams I am studying for (I will take these in April,when we move to Florida).  We move back to the US in about a month.

All of this to say I am now up in my dorm room during the day, all day.  Not great for abstaining from porn.   But I have some ideas.

Porn addiction symptoms are back in this relapse and remaining from my last about two weeks ago: loss of motivation to pursue hobbies and important tasks, I get less enjoyment from my interests, irritable, distractible (more so than usual).

Why did I slip?  Well, I think it was the ultimate combination of boredom, accessibility, and stress. 

I have mostly continued to not consume news media, except for technology and science news from non-partisan sources, and this has made a tremendous difference to my psychological health. 

Marriage is slowly getting better as I accept and take responsibility for negative behaviors and fix them.

As for our sex life, I have decided to be patient.  While we are working to fix our marriage, I will expect to have sex maybe once a month. If that.  I understand that she feels entitled to better behavior from me and I need to put forward my part of the deal. 

My ultimate goal is not to consume erotic material of any kind or to masturbate compulsively.  For all intents and purposes, that means no masturbation at all for me, until such a time as I no longer have a problem with porn.

Now that has all of that is taken care of, what am I going to do now?

The first thing I am going to do is make it so that I can’t access porn on this IPad.  I wanted to see if I could avoid doing that by controlling myself, but I see that isn’t the case.  I am going to avoid toxic people that trigger me into eventually falling into the ritual.  I am going to reinforce the habit of meditating and reading the sutras daily.  I already decided to add to my practice by reading books by Buddhist teachers as well.

Ultimately, it comes down to a decision on my part to not consume sexually exploitive media and not participate in that culture. 

So, there’s the plan.  I am adding restrictions to this IPad as I speak and will post when that is done.

I hope you guys are doing much better than I am at the moment.

0/90

Rich
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 09:49:37 PM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #190 on: March 11, 2019, 09:42:07 PM »
Posting to say that I have set internet content restrictions on my IPad and blocked Reddit completely.  It took a while, because it lookes like Apple put restrictions under ScreenTime.

Let’s hope that this makes rebooting a bit easier.

Rich
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 07:35:36 AM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #191 on: March 13, 2019, 07:37:28 AM »
Checking out on day 2/90.  It has been pretty easy so far.  Knowing  the restrictions are there on my IPad seems to help.  Good night, folks.

Rich
2/90


HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #192 on: March 13, 2019, 08:03:35 PM »
Checking in the morning of day 3/90.  I had a long, vivid sexual dream about me and my exgirlfriend last night.  It came out of nowhere and took me by surprise.  Typically, I only think about my ex on days that I am pmoing, during or after.  Not during reboots.  Perhaps this is just a late response to my binge three days ago.  Maybe it is just the Coolidge effect trying to peek its head in to get me to go down the rabbit hole.

I did masturbate to thoughts related to the dream.  I am not sure what to call that.  I will think about whether I should, or need to restart my count.

I do feel cravings to view porn.  Which does point to the Coolidge effect.

Either way, masturbation is not productive for rebuilding a sex life.  A lot to think about.  But for now, it is time to study.

Will be back later,

Rich
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 08:33:50 PM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #193 on: March 13, 2019, 08:15:52 PM »
Change of plan from the original, of cracking on with studying this morning after wasting an hour watching videos on YouTube.  My subconscious is beating me up for that and wants me to retaliate by going to porn to make me feel better.  I feel a strong pull to go to porn.  This definitely relates to the dream I had, too.

I feel it is far too early in my reboot to disqualify these three days over masturbating over a dream.  I know many of you may disagree and frown about continuing on from here in spite of the blotch that is my masturbation session, but I feel the alternative of starting over tomorrow is just my subconscious wanting to binge on porn, and I feel that will be the result.

So, I am changing plans.  I will continue this reboot counting these three days.  I will spend the two remaining hours until lunch cleaning, allowing me to get off my IPad (I use it for studying) in this trying time of disappointment over time wasted on YouTube.  Instead I will clean ne until lunch, and study this afternoon, which will give me a full three hours.

This is actually quite unnatural for me.  I tend to doggedly stick to my guns, feeling that my want for discipline pushes me to stick to the schedule in my head.  But I feel that lack of flexibility is part of the problem.

Anyway.  That is the plan.  Now, I am going to turn on a podcast and get cleaning.  I will be back later to update this blog with whether this worked or not.

Rich

3/90
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 08:35:22 PM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #194 on: March 14, 2019, 03:13:51 AM »
Almost finished three whole days, but nope, I just pmoed.  The good news is putting restrictions on my Ipad worked.  I couldn't access porn  on it and knowing that got me through three whole days. 

What went wrong?  I haven't  been looking after anxiety.  There were several annoyances today, as well.  With things going wrong, like difficulty with the study guide I was using, and the proceastination I brought up earlier today.

I habe to come up with better ways  of dealing with these annoyances, or I will neber get any satisfactory time under my belt.

What am I going to do? 

I am going to put my phone out of reach (I pmoed using my phone) during the day, only using my porn-proofed Ipad.  I am going to start doing workouts in the afternoon to use up some energy and get rid of built up tension.  And I am going to make sure I meditate every day.

Tomorrow's day 1.

Rich


malando

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #195 on: March 14, 2019, 03:34:32 AM »
Are you not able to block your phone in the same way you blocked your iPad, Rich? Is it because you have an Android phone? If so, maybe you should change to an iPhone and use the same method you're using on your iPad.

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #196 on: March 14, 2019, 07:21:16 AM »
Who are you accountable to, Rich?
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #197 on: March 15, 2019, 08:52:04 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 2/90.  When I woke up I felt a sensation of euphoria.  I don’t know what that is about.  But it felt good.  I just knew everything was going to be okay.  I knew I was going to achieve this ethical, pure life because it is what I want.  Needless to say, this reboot will take a lot of work, but it felt good to be positive for a change.. 

More later.

Rich

2/90
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 08:58:51 PM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #198 on: March 16, 2019, 09:05:48 AM »
Completely fell off the wagon, tonight.  Got in an argument with my wife, got drunk, then I got back home and acted out with porn and got in a sex chat room.  Luckily sex chat rooms suck these days and there are no real people these days, just cam girls.  I don’t feel good about any of the, but honestly I need to figure myself out.  My wife and I are moving back to the US in less than a month , so this reboot is going to happen whether an am ready or not.  Time to go to bed. 

Rich

0/90

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #199 on: March 17, 2019, 07:40:18 AM »
Checking out on day 1/90.  Good so far.

Rich

1/90