Author Topic: Rich's 90 Days  (Read 2918 times)

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #125 on: January 07, 2019, 08:57:48 PM »
Hi guys,

Thanks for your comments and for keeping me accountable.  I do have remorse for hurting my wife.  She is okay, and I have resolved to never let that happen again.  The truth is we have been in a repeated cycle of letting it get physical for way too long (I just haven’t fessed up about it before), although it never went beyond pushing before).  We love each other dearly, and I am determined to end any and all violence.  It wasn’t a kick as much as me trying to push her away to keep her from slapping me.  It did end up bruising her though.

Like I said, this needs to end.  I am determined to follow the rules set above.  If I get angry I will leave the room.  If my wife and I cannot find common ground on something, I will let it go.  Our relationship is what is most important.  And so is her feeling safe.

I don’t like the language of abuser, abuse, and cycle of abuse, not because they don’t apply or are not true, but because they focus on an us vs. them mentality, and do not help the perpetrator at all.  They are not conducive to saving a marriage, but breaking it up.  They may be useful in some situations, but I choose not to use them in ours.

I follow a more Buddhist (Eastern) view that our human minds are more complicated than just good and evil.  In the East they teach that our minds are made up of different pieces that all fit together, none of them being any more or any less us than any of the rest of the pieces.  What I need to do is to get rid of the piece that says I need to be in control all the time and fix the piece that is my self esteem, which I have started to do.

My plan is to follow the rules outlined above to prevent any recurrence in the future while I simultaneously work on myself.

Thanks.  More later.

35/90

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #126 on: January 07, 2019, 09:08:45 PM »
The past two days have gone fairly well, as usual, with my wife and I talking.  This weekend will be more challenging though, but I will follow through.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #127 on: January 11, 2019, 02:14:20 AM »
Day 39/90.  Home from work.  The week has gone by peacefully, with me giving my wife massages.  She is healing on the outside amd I have  been helping her.  But I understand that healing on the  inside will take much longer.  I never want what happened last week to happen again.  I follow those rules for wjen i get angry.  It got tested last night when my wife and I got in an argument.  I walked away.  It was me over reacting.  I apologized and we let it go.  I habe to get better at doing that.  I am on edge for some reason.  Maybe it is just anxiety over geting angry again.  I don't  know what it is.  I have been reading a book on self esteem and working to fix mine.  I habe been meditating as well.  I am going to put everything i've got into fixing our marriage.  I have been having urges recently.  I had the urge to drink just now.  I am allowed to drink, I am no longer abstaining from alcohol, but the rule for myself is only socially.  Never alone.  So I am not allowed to just get a beer.  I have also had several urges to head  on over to Reddit and act out.  I am proud of my new found cleaness and my count.  I do feel better.  Minus my unrelated self esteem issues l, I do feel more socially competent and secure.  I am dealing with the scaffolding now, finishing the details.  But there are always those nagging thoughts.  What  is the point?  It's just porn?  It is natural to look at naked women.  Wjat are you accomplishing?  Now, more than ever, I have to do the work of reminding myself what I've gained through this process.  The clarity.  The security.  The cleanness.  The integrity of character.  The ability to look people in the eues.  The knowledge that I am an adult man.  There is  also the paradox I wanted to write about, maybe in the main board.  The longer you abstain from porn, the better looking all women become, not only your significant other.  But other women too.  A little unfair, I think. 

Anyway.

More later.  Clean and free,

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #128 on: January 11, 2019, 09:22:19 AM »
Checking out for bed on the night of39/90.  Good night folks.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #129 on: January 11, 2019, 09:59:58 PM »
Checking in on Saturday morning, day 40/90.  Average Saturday.  No fighting with the wife.  No intensity.  We are both just relaxing before work on Monday.  I have planned to arrange for our move back to America, starting with an Airbnb to stay in for two months while we look for a permanentish place to stay (for at least the next two or three years).  I am looking forward to Florida, and FINALLY being back in the States.  I am about to email my mother for help in receiving us at the airport and getting us to our destination in Florida.  You see, my driver’s license expired, so I am going to have to go through the process of getting that again.  Moving is a big deal.  And I am looking forward to moving back to the States, closer to family.  So why the depression I sense coming in?  I know that both my wife and I would much rather live in England.  That is a multi step process though.  Starting with getting teaching experience, making a change in my career so that I can apply for jobs in England (I am a dual citizen, and then going through the process of getting my wife a visa.  (This will be years down the road). And I suppose I am starting to see flaws in the plan, even before it has started.  Will there be jobs in what I want to do in England?  Would they be willing to hire a guy who has spent most of his life in the US?  The British can be very proud people and may be disinterested in a perceived foreigner, even one with a valid British passport.  Will it all work out?  The mindful person in me tells me to make peace with reality. 

Anyway, now that I have babbled on.  I still have those urges.  And often when I am feeling 5e numbness of depression I have the strongest urges to act out.  Anything to “feel something”.  The irony is now, forty days clean, I feel things more exquisitely than ever.  It is one of the many contradictions of being clean. 

I will be back to write more.  I am here (even if I am talking to myself) and clean.  Working to pay for my mistakes, make up for everything, and trying to build the best life and marriage I can.  None of this, I am reminded, could I do if I was rapping every day. 

Thanks,

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #130 on: January 12, 2019, 03:38:48 AM »
I just want to brag that I took a practice test from my ftce general knowledge textbook from cliffotes and I passed all subtests.  And found out my essay was way too short.  But I kind of knew that already.  I tend to write very concisely.  I feel quite good about this result.  Tomorrow I am going to go over the official study guide from the Department of Ed website.  See how I do there. 

I am out of the house and my wife wants space for the rest of the evening.  It doesn't relate (completely) to what happened last weekend, but because she and I work at the same place she likes alone time sometimes.  I understand.  So far, so good this weekend.  I am going to go give myself a pass on having a beer on my own now, since I can't think of anything else to do with myself.

Clean and feeling good.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #131 on: January 15, 2019, 07:14:57 AM »
Day 44/90.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #132 on: January 16, 2019, 08:44:28 AM »
Day 45/90.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #133 on: January 16, 2019, 09:50:18 PM »
Day 46/90.  Sick with some kind of  cold.  This has  happened twice a year since I moved to South Korea.  I think it  is pollution.  Wife is well.  Marriage is well.  Busy preparing to move.  We habe taken several steps toward tbat direction.  Busy, busy, busy.  Love is all.around.  just need to open your eyes.

Peace, guys.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #134 on: January 17, 2019, 07:36:25 AM »
Day 47/90.  Going strong.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #135 on: January 18, 2019, 04:50:42 AM »
Day 48/90.  Friday night.  I took some packages to the post office and sent them off after work.  Then I grabbed a couple of beers, came back home.  I cleaned the bathroom and am waiting for it to dry before I put everything back on the counters and go on to something else.  I am still feeling sick.

And to be completely honest.  I feel like I am sliding off of the edge of the cliff, guys.  I already looked at some bikini pictures.  Whether you call it middle circle, or whatever, it isn't a complete ritual, but it is definitely not good.  I won't be surprised if I act out tonight. 

That is the reason I got on my laptop to write this.  It isn't perfect, but it is much harder for me to access stuff inconspicuously on this.  Also, I can write in this journal.

My wife is healing and our marriage is slowly rebuilding.  She has set up boundaries about how much time she gets to herself and stuff.  We do spend some time together.  I know this is what is best and I know this is her healing and giving herself what she needs.  But I can't help feeling lonely.  And we all know what that leads to...

All I can do is remind myself that those people: the models on Reddit, the porn stars, they don't care about me.  They don't know me.  There is nothing real there.

My marriage.  That is real.  I am grateful for my wife.  I am grateful for our relationship and marriage.  I am grateful for it all.

It is probably just stress, all of this.  And I need to take it in its stride.

Just taking it one day at a time and enjoying the journey.

If I fall from the horse tonight, I'm sorry.  But if I manage to stay strong, it is all worth it in the end.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #136 on: January 18, 2019, 06:54:18 AM »
Not that anyone cares, but I did get through this night by giving my wife a massage.  Now I am about to go out for some medicine.  I wish I didn't look at those bikini pics, but I ended up not following through on the pmo ritual, by going on to more explicit images and masturbating.  I consider this a victory.

Day 48/90 almost complete.  Going to finish the day clean.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #137 on: January 18, 2019, 08:18:24 AM »
I apologize for lashing out.  I appreciate that everyone else here is on their own journey, just like me.  I will  stop posting elsewhere and focus exclusively on my own reboot for the next few weeks.  Thanks for the support, guys.  I appreciate it.

Rich
« Last Edit: January 18, 2019, 07:24:08 PM by HumbleRich »

Mediadude20

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #138 on: January 18, 2019, 09:37:21 AM »
Rich I have just caught up on your thread. I was a long and enjoyable read. I felt like I was with you on all those ups & downs. But you are doing fantastic!

Stay focused. Stay strong.

CB

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #139 on: January 18, 2019, 10:55:19 AM »
Just keep at it Rich, I guess feelings of anger, frustration and loneliness is all part of recovery from an addiction that we have used to get the edge off these feelings or numb them.
I have had a pretty shitty day, tired and feeling angry and stressed.
Thanks for for your post in my journal.

Take Care

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #140 on: January 18, 2019, 01:55:22 PM »
Keep going, Rich. If you get back on the right path you'll achieve something I've never managed to achieve: that is, a properly successful recovery from middle circle behaviours. Put that dopamine hit behind you, crack on, don't let your brain convince you that you need any more of that.

I'm glad that things are progressing well with your wife.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #141 on: January 18, 2019, 07:31:20 PM »
Thanks, guys!

Day 49/90!!!  I can't wait to announce 50/90 tomorrow, but let's not count our chickens before they hatch.  Yep, those middle circle behaviors yesterday were a mistake.  I tend to define middle circle as looking for images to look at.  Especially when those images are not erotic, but close.  I don't even allow myself to look up pictures of actresses at all.  It is just too easy to go down the downward spiral.  Things I do not consider middle circle are three second glances at women in real life.  I feel that it is healthy to appreciate beauty and it can even help the brain to rewire to natural and real sexuality.  I always come home with my wife, and I have no urge to pursue women I find attractive.  It is more just a thought of "wow, she is good looking" and then I move on with my life.  I think these thoughts are natural and healthy.  And I never compare my wife to any other women.  My attraction and love to my wife is beyond comparison. 

Today I have to get some emails done, finish the chores.  Have a good one, guys.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #142 on: January 18, 2019, 10:12:58 PM »
I just wrote a really long post, but then my computer crasjed on me.  Oh well, it was probably for the best as I was doing a lot of overanalysing.  I just feel overwhelmed by a lot of stuff right now.  Especially feelings.  The good  thing is I am not throwing it all on my wife , but finding other ways to deal with stress.

Memories of porn videos I watched keep popping up in my head.  I just need to stand my ground and ignore them.

Keep on trucking.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #143 on: Today at 11:30:52 AM »
Drunk.  Back at the dorms.  And I slipped.  Back to 0/90. 

Rich

changemylife

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #144 on: Today at 12:02:52 PM »
Did you relapse because of drinking or did you drink after the relapse?
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.

Pete McVries

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #145 on: Today at 02:29:11 PM »
If you're serious about your reboot and you really wanna make it, quit all drugs that lead you to relapses. In my case this is alcohol. Seems like alcohol is a trigger for you, too!

Oh, and don't binge, get back on the horse!

changemylife

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #146 on: Today at 02:30:34 PM »
If you're serious about your reboot and you really wanna make it, quit all drugs that lead you to relapses. In my case this is alcohol. Seems like alcohol is a trigger for you, too!

Oh, and don't binge, get back on the horse!

In my case, alcohol created anxiety and it led me to relapse. In 2 days it will be 3 weeks without alcohol and I don't regret it. I don't feel any superhuman powers or anything like that but alcohol was another problem and I don't need it.
Loneliness separates me, like a dimension on its own. I cannot leave it, I hit an invisible all. I walk invisible between you all.