Author Topic: Rich's 90 Days  (Read 2101 times)

bob

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #75 on: November 14, 2018, 07:33:16 PM »
SAA as a 12 step program defines different “circles “ of behavior. The circles help define sexual sobriety. The inner circle are the things/behaviors that are completely off limits. Like wise, the outer circle includes all behaviors that represent a life of sobriety. The middle circle includes things that may not be completely off limits (poor choice of words) but that can draw you into the inner circle.

I would describe those items of the middle circle as p-subs. For me it’s sexy pictures, scantily clad females, provocative stories... anything that starts a downward trend.   

Most think they are no big deal. What is a bit of cleavage images going to hurt. Checking out those yoga pants, she looks hot.

Reality, they are the Sirens that call the sailors to the rocks and their death. The start is small but it always leads down hill.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2018, 08:13:12 PM by bob »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #76 on: November 15, 2018, 08:32:05 AM »
Thanks for explaining that, Bob.  Good day.  No middle circle behaviors.  Woke up early to meditate for thirty minutes this morning.  It was AMAZING.  I will be doing it for the next week and then going for 45.  Everything is going great.

Day 1/90 complete.

Rich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #77 on: November 15, 2018, 10:25:03 PM »
Just relapsed.  I am going to take some extra time this weekend to figure out what has been going wrong.  Time to get back on that horse, though.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #78 on: November 17, 2018, 01:17:50 AM »
Checking in at 3:00 pm Korean time, on day 1/90.  I took the day off from meditating, as I usually do on the weekends.  I meditate weekdays, upon waking up at 5:30 am (don’t worry, I go to bed at 10:30, so I get a good seven hours) and meditate thirty minutes.  I am currently working my way through Jon Kabat- Zinn’s book Full Catastrophe Living, which is the text for his MSBR program.  Though he recommends 45 minute meditation sessions, I can already feel a big difference from 30 minute sessions.  It is a big upgrade from the 10 minute sessions I was doing.  It is a challenge, but the results of less stress and more focus are very rewarding.  I look forward to 45 minute sessions. 

In other news, nothing much is going on.  My wife and I are going to see Fantastic Beasts 2 tonight.  That should be fun.  I also have my usual AA meeting tonight. 

Oh, and my obsession with my ex is still there.  I did try to Google her just now, but couldn’t pull up anything.  My decision to get rid of all social media has done wonders in helping me focus and getting rid of anxiety, and in the case of this obsession with my ex, the positive is I am absolutely unable to find anything on her.  That was, of course, one of the main points and the positive.  It doesn’t stop me from trying to find stuff on her though.

And It is largely seeing pictures that I am trying to accomplish.  I am definitely objectifying my ex in  my mind.  For the life of me I can’t figure out why?  Is it because of my recent long period of PMO sobriety that forced my brain to look for other ways to get its fix? 

Is it that my relationship with my ex had much more sex in it (of course it did, it was a college romance) and so there is more to feed off of?  This doesn’t make much sense to me, as I can say the same thing about my relationship with my wife.  When she and I met in grad school we were having so much more sex than we do now as a married couple.  Why doesn’t my unconscious brain objectify memories of my wife and I?

For the life of me I can’t pin my finger on where this obsession comes from.  I don’t love my ex.  I have no feelings for her and only have a passing curiosity about what she is up to these days.  Is there unfinished business in my unconscious?  Stuff left to be said?  Not really.  The way I broke up with her, so coldly when she and I went our separate ways upon graduating, I regret.  But I have since apologized and made peace with.  She has forgiven me and als moved on.

So, what is it?  I wish I knew so I could solve the problem.  At the present moment I just shrug my shoulders when I dream about my ex (yes, often times the dreams are sexual) and go on with my day.  At the moment it feels that analyzing the dreams would only dig me deeper.  So I din’t.

And that is probably what I should do with this.  And I should definitely stop trying to google her.  For crying out loud! 

Anyway.  That is my day 1/90.  Going prett well so far.  I hope Fantastic Beasts is good!

Thanks for listening.

Rich
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 12:51:49 AM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #79 on: November 17, 2018, 01:20:02 AM »
Oh, and I finally deleted my Quora account when I realized I was abusing it the way I used to abuse Facebook, that it was bad for me, was useless drama, just pissed me off, and also led to several of these slips and my eventual relapse.  So Quora is gone, and I am back to being truly off of all forms of social media.

There.  Everything is updated now.

Thanks

Rich
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 12:52:22 AM by HumbleRich »

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #80 on: November 18, 2018, 08:38:38 AM »
I slipped today.  Tomorrow will be day 1.  Headed to bed.  Gonna be up.early meditating tomorrow morning.  Good night.

Rich

bob

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #81 on: November 18, 2018, 04:05:44 PM »
Hope tomorrow shines bright and you can learn what happened so it doesn’t create a repeat performance. No shame, just learn and move on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #82 on: November 20, 2018, 05:10:46 PM »
Thanks, Bob.

Checking in on the morning of 3/90.  Doing alright.  I got up to do my meditation at 5:30 on Monday and had a great day.  But yesterday and today I was more disorganized.  I only got to do 15 minutes, rather than 30 minutes yesterday and I didn’t get to meditate upon waking up this morning.  Maybe I will find a few spare minutes to meditate this morning.  This stuff is important as how I start the day always matters to how well Imdi with my habits.  30 to 40 minutes of meditation in the morning keeps me present the whole day, keeps me away from alcohol and PMO, it keeps me from over eating.  I am more likely to exercise.  Basically, everything is better when I meditate.  What has been the problem?  I have been going to bed too late.  I always plan to go to bed at 10:30, but then I distract myself.  Tonight I really will go to bed at 10:30. 

Anyway.  Clean and sober, 3/90.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #83 on: November 21, 2018, 09:04:41 AM »
Unfortunately, I slipped today.  It was right after, I stupidly got back on Quora.  I missed the more interesting conversations, but I quickly got pulled into the more perverted ones, jumped back over to Reddit and that was all she wrote. 

I will see if I can control myself on Quora for the rest of this week or not, but I will probably end up deleting it again.  Anyway.  It is time for bed.

Good night.
« Last Edit: November 21, 2018, 04:35:55 PM by HumbleRich »

malando

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #84 on: November 22, 2018, 09:18:10 AM »
Just delete it, Rich - it's reeling you in time and time again. It's unrealistic to think that something you associate with relapse can be moderated. Time to let it go. It's a small price to pay for your recovery.

bob

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #85 on: November 23, 2018, 03:49:04 PM »
Just delete it, Rich

Sounds like wisdom to me Rich.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #86 on: November 26, 2018, 08:49:56 AM »
Checking out.  Day 1/90 complete.  Deleted Quora this past weekend.  No social media.  This week has gotten off to a good start.  Going to bed now.  Good night.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #87 on: November 28, 2018, 06:20:15 PM »
Checking in fresh and early on the morning of day 4/90.  (I will, of course, do my usual check out tonight.  I am trying to get more consistent with my check ins.  Since  it is the most convenient way to keep track of my days and share my progress.  How is everything going.  Well, good.  The days  are going by as theh do.  No middle circle behavior I am aware of.  I am stressed at the moment.  Work is blamd as usual (I wasn't expecting teaching EFL to be anything but).  That is a little unfair.  Every once in a while, a few days a week, I get kids who are really into learning English.  But it is pretty rare these days.  Or that is how it feels.  I am finally finkshed studying math for the FTCEs.  Now on to the  three other exams I will be taking.  I really, really hope I pass, otherwise it will habe been a lot kf money and time slent for nothing.   I am also thinking of starting a blog.  This will be a low priority pastime, but I feel it is important to collate and manage my professional interests on my side, and perhaps a get to know  you for networking.  I am worried I might be getting to much in my own head.  It js always a constant micromanaging of how much time I am spending  with my wife  versus these projects.  On the  other hand I feel that these projects build me up, give me a purpose, and of course keep me away of porn and alcoholl.  But stress is also a trigger fir me.  It is that balance.

Anyway.  I will check in tonight.

Peace and love on this journey,

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #88 on: November 30, 2018, 09:27:08 PM »
Hey guys,

I’m checking in on the morning of day (7/90).  I have a headache because I did drink three beers last night.  I talked to my wife about it and she set up the rules for drinking.  I listened.  The thing is, I don’t think I am a problem drinker anymore.  I had been sober for approaching six months this last sobriety period, prior to that, I was sober for three before a one day bender.  This latest decision to start drinking *ocassionally* again was because I had half a bottle of wine last weekend and went seven days and didn’t need to drink at all.  The neurons were fine.  I had a beer because I wanted to relax.  Then the neurons were like, “eh, you can take it or leave it.”  I felt like a changed man.  I won’t drink next weekend.  I am taking my weight loss and health very seriously at this point in my life.  I know I have this under control.

Why?  Because quitting PMO has given me the power to control urges.  I feel like porn and masturbation addiction was always my original addiction.  It was there before anything else.  It did the most damage to my career, my social, and emotional lives.  It stopped me from growing.  It was the primary cause, along with the drinking, of the end of my educational career.  It was bad. 

Combined with mindfulness and meditation, this reboot has really given me wings.  And I need to do more.  I need to be more selfless.  I need to put my wife first more.

I have dedicated myself to committing to commitment in my marriage.  I no longer throw the D word around like I did.  These days we still have arguments, vicious sometimes, still.  But I don’t threaten to leave.  The security is implicit. We will work through our problems. 

And it is all because of this space where I have worked on my transformation.

I am leaving the PMO behind.  Now and forever.

I’ll check in later. 

Thanks.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #89 on: December 03, 2018, 06:33:27 PM »
Checking in on the morning of day 11/90!  It feels great.  I have not had anything to drink since this last  weekend.  I will not be drinking this coming weekend.  I have stopped going to AA and I actually feel much better.  I didn’t stop because I wanted to drink (the two decisions were entirely independent of each other), but because my cult alarm went off again.  I am learning to trust my intuition more and more. 

Anyway.  I am practicing occasional drinking, but will not be for the next week or two.

As far as PMO and this reboot, I feel great!  I feel like something must be changing upstairs. 

Have a great day, guys. I will check in again tonight.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #90 on: December 04, 2018, 08:54:52 AM »
I slipped today.  Back at 0.  Let’s see if I can keep clean for the rest of the week. 

Rich

Andyshealthyself

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #91 on: December 04, 2018, 11:40:51 AM »
Hey Rich,
        Keep looking up man. Stay positive and on top of it. We all slipped. No one here hasn’t at least once. It’s important to stay positive and learn from why you slipped up. See if you can analyze the events leading up to what happened and then look at what changes you can make to avoid those triggers. I hope I don’t sound like I’m preaching. We have all been there. I’m currently on day 8 after a 20 day run. The best we can do is get back up and try again.

I believe in you.

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #92 on: December 04, 2018, 04:20:08 PM »
Something needs to change though, doesn't it? I know that you're making the effort but the method isn't working. You'll probably come back with a hundred things that you're going to do, and religiously stick to, and this is the way by effort and striving etc etc. I don't think I can just say "hey man, everyone slips up". You're in a cycle.

But what is *actually* going to make you stop?

I know this sounds really harsh but I do want you to get clean and stay clean.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #93 on: December 06, 2018, 09:01:44 AM »
Had a good day today for day 1/90.  Hitting the sack now for an early morning of meditating and reading the sutras.  Good night.

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #94 on: December 07, 2018, 03:25:57 AM »
Checking in at 5:24 pm on day 2/90.  Friday!  Will check in again tonight. 

Rich

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #95 on: December 07, 2018, 10:39:51 AM »
Checking out at 12:40 am Friday night.  Clean and sober.  Day  2/90 complete.  Good night everyone.

Rich
« Last Edit: December 08, 2018, 12:46:57 AM by HumbleRich »

malando

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #96 on: December 07, 2018, 11:58:23 PM »
Hi Rich, it was noticeable to me that you gave PE30's post a wide berth. Is there a reason why you don't want to discuss what he raised? Is it because you just want to do things your own way and use your journal for your own purposes? Or did you find the questions objectionable in some way?

For the record, I think PE30 was sincerely wanting to help you by challenging you. You have had a lot of relapses so maybe it's not a bad thing to reevaluate how you are going about things. We are all rooting for you and your success.

PE30

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #97 on: December 08, 2018, 03:27:02 AM »
Not sure who said it but "the definition of folly/madness is doing the same thing again and expecting a different result". I went a good 15 years stuck in a cycle of repentance and relapse, so I've been there. I'm sorry Rich if I came across too strongly. But it comes from a sincere place of wanting you to succeed and being concerned that your current methods aren't working.
Porn free since 2 February 2018.
Chat room and M/MO free since 28 July 2018.
Fighting on.

bob

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #98 on: December 08, 2018, 07:47:00 AM »
We are all rooting for you and your success.

We root for your reboot...  On a more serious note Rich, it's because we care.

Can identify what has occurred in the past that allowed the relapse? Can you determine a pattern? Are their things/situations/places to avoid? What have you learned?

Again, we care.

Peace

HumbleRich

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Re: Rich's 90 Days
« Reply #99 on: December 08, 2018, 11:33:58 AM »
Hi guys, yeah I am thinking over things and trying to find patterns.  Working on keeping up good habits.  For right now, it’s late.  Good night everyone.

Checking out 3/90.

Rich