Author Topic: I must crush this vice. I need to  (Read 1386 times)

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #50 on: October 03, 2018, 04:50:24 AM »
Journal Entry:

I don't know what's gotten into me these past couple of days. I have just been craving sex, PMO, and MO much much more than usual. I haven't given into PMO though there were multiple times I was very very close to failing again. The rationalizations are coming more often, in more cunning ways, and are harder and harder to resist. I'm getting triggered by things that haven't triggered me before. I'm hanging in there but I'm doing my absolute best just to keep it barely in control. It's all honestly starting to really stress me out. It's becoming increasingly difficult to handle and focus. I'd like to call this withdrawals but there is a side to it that isn't porn focused. I want sex and in the past when I didn't have a situation accommodating to it (like right now), I always used porn to mitigate the urges. MO on its own has never been satisfying in that respect because of the lack of more fulfilling stimuli of sex or the hyper-intense fake stimuli of porn is absent with just MO. It's just nothing scratches that itch anymore except the shit I'm trying to get away from or the stuff I can't have right now and it's driving me fucking crazy. Maybe the years of near constant porn use has dulled the satisfaction of more simplistic things like straight forward MO. Or maybe this is just normal and now that porn isn't there to fill the gap I just don't know what the fuck to do until I get in a situation that is more accommodating to actually meeting women, talking to them, and having a situation were sex can more readily happen.

PMO free: 5/90

mousemat1

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #51 on: October 03, 2018, 11:07:47 AM »
It's probably not the comment you want to hear right now, but you've just got to weather the storm. The feelings you describe are all to familiar to me. They invariably led to a relapse, which is why I have struggled for so many years to defeat this addiction.

Try to keep yourself busy, but the reality is that sometimes these craving just burn away like sulphuric acid and I have sometimes felt like I'm crawling out of my skin. My brain has rationalised why I should just have one more look so many times, but if you look then you've just extended your sentence in this self made prison. We just have to accept the sentence and do our time.

In my experience, the cravings come in waves. If you can wait this one out, then it will get a little easier. The problem is you just have to prepare yourself for another wave at some point in the future.

You can only do your best but take this as an opportunity to really see this as the life destroying addiction it really is and use that as a weapon against it!

Good luck! You can, and will beat this addiction!!!!

Reformed Fapper

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #52 on: October 03, 2018, 07:05:00 PM »
Quote
Maybe the years of near constant porn use has dulled the satisfaction of more simplistic things like straight forward MO

Theres no maybe about it. Thats a big, fat stinking YES!
As you said you have conditioned yourself to mitigate those urges through fapping. Over the years of abuse your brain now thinks that the normal thing to do. Gone are the good ole days when you could just treat yourself to a `classic` masturbation without the use of any external stimuli.
But those days will return if you stick this out just a little more.
Besides youre only up to day 5, the first week or so , as you may know, are the toughest and easiest to relapse in. Your addiction is screaming at you to feed it, do evrything you can to ignore it until it goes away.
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #53 on: October 04, 2018, 09:41:14 AM »
Quote
Maybe the years of near constant porn use has dulled the satisfaction of more simplistic things like straight forward MO

Theres no maybe about it. Thats a big, fat stinking YES!
As you said you have conditioned yourself to mitigate those urges through fapping. Over the years of abuse your brain now thinks that the normal thing to do. Gone are the good ole days when you could just treat yourself to a `classic` masturbation without the use of any external stimuli.
But those days will return if you stick this out just a little more.
Besides youre only up to day 5, the first week or so , as you may know, are the toughest and easiest to relapse in. Your addiction is screaming at you to feed it, do evrything you can to ignore it until it goes away.

I totally agree.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #54 on: October 04, 2018, 10:05:45 AM »
Journal Entry:

I did a lot of thinking about this addiction and where I'm at and I want to do a restart for myself. While I didn't really fail this time, rationalizations have been giving me all kinds of hell and I've been in this weird grey area of things that aren't really going against my goal but things that aren't really helping me either. Like I've gotten triggered and switched to regular MO within the confines of what I consider okay. While for someone who has made more progress wouldn't see the harm in that, I feel like I'm less apt to avoid the triggers this early in the game because of that practice. There have been times where I have seen triggers, let it rile me up, and then finished the job with normal MO. To be honest, I think that is pretty much the same motivations as just PMO.

I really think the rationalizations have gotten themselves dug in and are trying to get that dopamine rush anyway they can. So while I don't like it, I'm gonna do a complete reset today and bring myself back to square one so I can reground myself and adapt to this new change. The last thing I want is to replace porn addiction with a trigger and MO addiction. That really defeats the purpose of all of this. I want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet without any crutches. I just feel like I can be doing better than this. I kinda fell into half-assed efforts and those only give you half the results and the progress is only half as strong. I feel like if I half-ass this it would make it all the more easier to relapse in the future or just replace this problem with another. I just think it is in my best interest to get back to basics so I can kick this habit the right way. Right now I feel like I have just as little control as when I was in the thick of the addiction. So starting today, I'm resetting my counter to 0 and starting over because this just isn't the way I want to go about it.

Days PMO free: 0

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #55 on: October 04, 2018, 10:13:08 AM »
It's probably not the comment you want to hear right now, but you've just got to weather the storm. The feelings you describe are all to familiar to me. They invariably led to a relapse, which is why I have struggled for so many years to defeat this addiction.

Try to keep yourself busy, but the reality is that sometimes these craving just burn away like sulphuric acid and I have sometimes felt like I'm crawling out of my skin. My brain has rationalised why I should just have one more look so many times, but if you look then you've just extended your sentence in this self made prison. We just have to accept the sentence and do our time.

In my experience, the cravings come in waves. If you can wait this one out, then it will get a little easier. The problem is you just have to prepare yourself for another wave at some point in the future.

You can only do your best but take this as an opportunity to really see this as the life destroying addiction it really is and use that as a weapon against it!

Good luck! You can, and will beat this addiction!!!!

I'm starting to see where you are coming from with that and I see the wisdom in your words. I decided to do a reset and get back to square one. I wanted to reground myself and readapt to this change because it's ended up allowing me to go about this half-assed. There are things I've done recently that have the same motivations behind just PMO. I gotta keep myself accountable on honest about that. I don't want to cheat myself out of good solid progress in beating this addiction. So while it sucks, I think it is in my best interest to make this call.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2018, 10:15:30 AM by TheGreenWizard »

Reformed Fapper

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #56 on: October 04, 2018, 07:16:17 PM »
ok then good idea. With this type of thing its important to be honest with oneself. Make your tactical retreat, regroup, then get back into it!
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #57 on: October 05, 2018, 04:32:51 AM »
ok then good idea. With this type of thing its important to be honest with oneself. Make your tactical retreat, regroup, then get back into it!

That's what I'm looking to do. I did really well on my initial one. I got pretty lax since then. I am going to readopt that same discipline again. I shouldn't have dropped it in the first place, but here I am. So moving forward.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #58 on: October 05, 2018, 05:21:07 AM »
Journal Entry:

Today would officially be day 1 so I'm still at 0 on the streak of this reboot. My first original attempt at the reboot still remains my record of just shy of 14 days. Somewhere between then and now I lost that initial discipline. I'm looking to readopt that going forward. There are somethings I did right that I need to put back into practice. I really limited my time on social media where I found myself triggered to most (iFunny and instagram). I have since been fucking around on those sites more. Time to reign that back in to avoid those triggers. I might even consider dropping iFunny completely. It's fun looking at memes and entertaining videos, but they aren't worth it if users want to post lewd pics of pornstars, internet "models", and "art" too. Instagram isn't so bad so long as I limit my time on it's discovery board. Most of it is just vain fitness people fishing for likes so I remain untroubled but every now and then I catch an image that triggers me. I'm less apt to drop instagram because it's one of the methods I keep in touch with friends across the world. 

Those are the two main sources I identify that contain probably 98% of my triggers, the most being iFunny. The rest of it is just saying no when I get the urge to PMO or its sister rationalization of "just taking one quick look" on an image search of some sort of porn or some erotic images. I identify the weakness in my methods to block that stuff because I've since found ways around them too. The thing is though, I don't think getting someone else to make a password or restrict content in some undisclosed way will help me. I'm a very resourceful guy with IT matters. When I was growing up things like parental blocks, passwords, and content filters were things I just laughed at because none of those methods ever accomplished stopping me from doing anything, ever. Instead I've employed them on my own to keep stuff out of sight to prevent triggers and absentminded access while I uproot the desire for PMO. In a moment of weakness, they slow me down to give me a chance to regain my sense and control. Sometimes it doesn't work but short of just trashing all my computers and going to live in the woods, this is the extent of what can be done for me.

I can depend on these content filters and website blockers to a degree as just simple tools but nothing more than that. This isn't about just building crutches for myself to depend on or treating myself like a child. This is about regaining control of myself and my life. To me that means when I know the weaknesses that I should have the good sense to just not exploit them whenever I get the craving. This is all about saying no to the addiction and it's many forms when I just want to say yes. The only thing that will do that is self-control.

Days PMO free: 0
« Last Edit: October 05, 2018, 05:23:17 AM by TheGreenWizard »

Reformed Fapper

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #59 on: October 05, 2018, 07:57:36 AM »
Good.
Keep doing what you gotta do, mate.
Any weapon to defeat it
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #60 on: October 06, 2018, 09:47:08 AM »
Journal Entry:

Day one down. This time is was a little more challenging because I'm not really coming off of a porn bender. I'm not drained but I'm hanging in there. Been having the "one quick look" rationalization pestering me today. Been resisting though as well as staying away from my triggers and places where triggers can happen. I really want to make this reset count so I'm doubling down on keeping possible exposure to a minimum. I don't really have much on my mind so I guess this will be it for today.

days PMO free: 1

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #61 on: October 07, 2018, 02:30:57 AM »
Journal Entry:

Day 2 was a little challenging. MO'd but that's whatever. The really tough thing was that I needed to add some more porn sites to my list of blocked websites on my content blocker. Which means I had to add them and test to see if it worked. Usually it works, but I had to test to see if those sites were even still functioning, which meant exposure. I'm not going to lie, I looked around more than I should have. But I put a stop to things before anything got out of hand and just added the sites to the list to block it and moved on. Had to do that for a lot of sites because I didn't remember them during my first initial round of blocking. But that's done for now until I remember more or discover some by accident. I'm not going to go looking for new ones but sometimes you just find them. I won't reset my counter because there was a productive reason I was doing all of this despite giving into the rationalization of "one quick look." I think given the just reason deserves some leniency of the goal of avoiding porn since this was sort of a messy job and I was doing this to avoid looking at porn in the future if I am feeling weak. It's not like this type of work is a common occurrence that would put me in a position to indulge or relapse either. I really try to be as exhaustive as I can on these blocking rounds.

Days PMO free: 2

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #62 on: October 07, 2018, 09:56:10 PM »
Journal Entry:

Another quick journal entry because I'm bored. I think I'm going to official start this reset I talked about before tomorrow. I've had to do a few things this weekend to help me in my efforts going forward, which resulted in some exposure out of necessity. Been triggered and stuff because of it. So I think it would be cleaner to just official do this tactical reset at the start of the new week when it's pretty much a clean slate. So I'm going to reset my counter again tomorrow morning and just go from there. I'm confident these new precautions will definitely play a positive role in really beating this issue, even though I kinda had to break a few eggs to get it done.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #63 on: October 08, 2018, 11:33:48 AM »
Journal Entry:

So today we start a new. I got everything done to help me going forward and break the spell of this addiction. I'm going to approach this on a clean slate from square one again. I was going to do this earlier in the weekend but honestly it just felt easier to just go into the new efforts at the start of the week having used the weekend to lay a better foundation for avoidance. I also decided to delete iFunny as it supplies most of my triggers. Memes are fun but they aren't worth the risk. I want to try and build my situation into almost completely self-control based so minimizing accidental exposure to triggers or porn itself as much as possible is very important. I really want to make this reset the one that goes the distance.

Days PMO free: 0

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #64 on: October 09, 2018, 04:26:50 PM »
Journal Entry:

Another day down. Don't really have much on my mind so that's about it.

Days PMO free: 1

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #65 on: October 10, 2018, 04:36:36 AM »
Journal Entry:

I've been depressed the past few days and it really hit hard yesterday. So habitually I wanted to PMO. I almost lost too but I managed to stop myself. I don't know why I'm drawn to PMO when depressed. It's not like it helps anything. I supposed because it gets me a hit of dopamine to level out for a few minutes. But that's all I feel like writing.

Days PMO free: 2

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #66 on: October 10, 2018, 03:19:15 PM »
Journal Entry:

Depression got the better of me today and I failed again. This time it was from the same rationalizations as I highlighted in an earlier post. I also wasn't keeping myself busy like I should have been. This is definitely not an easy task and it's really starting to humble me regarding the confidence I had going into this. Gonna do the restart again and see if I can do better this time around. I got triggered this time from instagram and then one thing led to another. I'm wondering if I should drop that application too. Looking at these 2 and 3 day streaks, shit honestly seems laughable. But I gotta keep trying. But kicking this addiction is no joke.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2018, 03:22:20 PM by TheGreenWizard »

Reformed Fapper

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #67 on: October 10, 2018, 07:39:05 PM »
Chaser effect. These 2 or 3 day streaks then it gets the better of you. Youll have to avoid devices which can access porn as much as possible for the first week or so after relapsing. That seems to be your dangerzone
Un-fuck your life, quit porn now! Today!

Tempted

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #68 on: October 11, 2018, 03:52:37 AM »
Hey tgw, I can sing you many songs about my personal experience with the chaser effect. We are in this together, for two months now I never managed to get past 3 days, for me personally my biggest risk is my phone, I hope I will be able to stay away from it because I really need to. Stay strong brother!

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #69 on: October 11, 2018, 09:31:19 AM »
Chaser effect. These 2 or 3 day streaks then it gets the better of you. Youll have to avoid devices which can access porn as much as possible for the first week or so after relapsing. That seems to be your dangerzone

I think you are right. I deleted a lot of the social media stuff from my phone as that is usually where the triggers are found and the downward spiral starts. It's a two birds with one stone scenario anyway because I've felt like I've been spending too much time on my phone anyway. Let's how this helps.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #70 on: October 11, 2018, 09:34:41 AM »
Hey tgw, I can sing you many songs about my personal experience with the chaser effect. We are in this together, for two months now I never managed to get past 3 days, for me personally my biggest risk is my phone, I hope I will be able to stay away from it because I really need to. Stay strong brother!

I feel the same. Most of triggers are found while messing around on my phone with social media apps. I've deleted those. Plus I've kinda felt I'm been on my phone way too much these days too. I'm thinking about clearing everything off except apps I use for important functions (sms, calling, checking finances, organizing goals and plans.) While putzing around on social media and looking at memes is entertaining, the fun of that is outweighed by the risk of getting triggered by something on these apps.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #71 on: October 11, 2018, 09:43:47 AM »
Journal Entry:

So we start again today. I'm noticed and it has been pointed out to me of a pattern of 2-3 days as the most difficult to get through for myself. It's definitely the chaser effect and rationalizations that hit me really hard during this timeframe. I'm going to try and really focus on keeping myself busy today. Perhaps maybe it is better to not focus on the long term but rather on the day to day and as urges arise. I'm going to give that a shot today. There was already a small victory this morning. I had the craving while I was laying in bed texting some people. I just shut off my phone and took a shower. I'm going to try and be just as proactive any other time it happens today.

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #72 on: October 15, 2018, 02:53:42 PM »
Journal Entry:

So it's been like 2 or 3 days. I don't know. I haven't really been keeping track. I'm gonna just assume it's been 2. I'm hanging in there. This is my danger zone and the craving for that dopamine hit is really challenging me. I almost failed a few times. Looked a porn but I stopped myself before things got anywhere. It's dumb how you can say to your self "no I'm not going to look at that" while your hands are on the mouse and keyboard, navigating to it like it's not up to you or something. But so far I've maintained control despite how much I want to consume it. I deleted the apps on my phone that where the source of my triggers too. Now it's just the web browsers. If I can just make it past this first week or two, that's when things start tapering off. I really want to be my 13 day record. I was so disappointed that I couldn't come on here and be happy that I was 2 weeks free. I kinda owe that victory to myself, so I really want to get there.

Days PMO free: 2

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #73 on: October 16, 2018, 05:52:06 AM »
Journal Entry:

It's really starting to sink in that this reboot thing is more of a process than it is just a switch you flip and just start doing. Some of us here can probably just decided to do it and boom, they are killing it on the streak. But for me, unless I get stuck in a cycle (which I am in now) I think its going to be a "do a little better each time" type situation. I'm definitely humbled by all of this because it isn't easy. It's been tougher this time around than it was the first time because I get depression in waves and I'm just getting over probably the most intense one yet. In the past when I was hit with a wave of depression, I'd drown my sorrows in dopamine. I'm trying to withhold myself from PMO and it's just been a nightmare. I got caught in a chaser effect cycle which I still consider myself in because it is still bothering me a lot due to depression weakening my resolve.

It also doesn't help that I'm not really in a position to be social with anybody. I've moved to my current residence and been here for about a year and change officially and there aren't really people my age around. It's either high school teens, who I avoid like the plague or old retired people. People my age are working 2-3 jobs just to survive and be adults so they have no time for anything. It's meant there are monumentally less fulfilling things I am able to do (meeting friends at a bar, partying, doing social stuff, etc.) The situation also means nearly no interaction with the opposite sex. Things are still kinda getting rebuilt because my last relationship was a long-term relationship that was abusive, so I had decided I just wanted to be alone for a bit. Problem is, that fed a porn habit and I also gained some social anxiety.

I feel like I've lost my ability to interact with people. In my late teens to early 20s I was very social especially with romantic interests. I don't mean to blow my own horn but I did okay for myself, save for a few instances of not picking up signals or capitalizing on getting a date or more when I could have. I'm just afraid that my time getting my identity manipulated and fucked up in my last relationship and my long stent of solitude and poor habits has robbed me of the positivity I used to have and my ability to connect with others like I used to. I mean we all grow as the years go by, but I feel like I changed in a regressive and detrimental way. It's hard for me to find happiness these days. Everything I'm doing regarding hobbies, plans, and goals just feels like a distraction from being unhappy rather than anything I honestly really care about. That was never the case in the past. Maybe I'm just jaded.

There is a bright side. I'll be in a situation in 3 months time where I will be able to be with people my age and be social. So there is a potential situation of things getting better. I just hope I'm not too rusty when it comes to social interaction. I suspect I am but I just hope it shakes off quickly enough. One of the main reasons I got this addiction was because I was not sexually and emotionally satisfied in that last relationship and ultimately unhappy. I turned to dopamine and porn to create something fun for me because any other time I was being chastised for something or another (I'd get yelled at for 3 hours about something or another at least 5 days out of the week). I honestly feel like if I was in a position to have meaningful interactions with potential partners whether it led to sex or not, porn would fall by the wayside. But we will see. It's easy to think something will happen but it actually happening is a different story as this reboot process has so effectively taught me.

Days PMO free: 3

TheGreenWizard

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Re: I must crush this vice. I need to
« Reply #74 on: October 18, 2018, 03:42:42 AM »
Journal Entry:

I'm not really keeping track of days anymore save for the time stamp on these blog posts. I don't really have much to talk about today so I'll just leave it here.

Days PMO free: 4